I've lost my soulmate. :(

[BrandonBP]

Hi all,

 

I really appreciate these forums. I've had a HORRIBLE time this week and these forums have helped me try to get my thoughts straight.

 

I'm 32 and my EX-girlfriend (it still doesn't sound right) is 29. I waited 31 years for the right girl and when I found her, I knew immediately that I was madly in love with her. After just 3 weeks of dating, we both decided that we would get married and spend our lives together. We've both known for the last 17 months of our relationship that we wanted nothing more in life than to be married to one another and to live out our days together.

 

A week ago we got into a fight and she broke up with me. She gives me the whole "I don't know if this is working out. I need some space for a while" deal. She starts doing the thing where she lists off all the reasons why we shouldn't be together and what I've done wrong as if to convince herself that she's doing the right thing by leaving me. She promises that she's not breaking up with me because she wants to date anyone else. She says, "I'm not even thinking about that. That's nowhere near my mind." Well, call me a sucker...

 

This Friday, I left her a message at 5 o'clock, about the time she gets off work. She doesn't call. I call again at 7:00 and again at 9:00. I'm going absolutely apes*** because it's Friday night and she's not returning my calls. Every guy knows what that means. I finally call her house at 3:30 AM and she's just gotten home. She says she went to a formal event with "a friend from law school" and then went out drinking. She tells me she's lost her cellphone (right). Which "friend" exactly I ask. She tells me she went with Bill, her co-worker. They prosecute cases together in the same office. They were in the same class in law school. Well, "friends" don't drop off the other friend at the house at 3:30 AM. She would normally have taken her SUV instead of him picking her up. It was a date.

 

They've been best friends for years. I should've known that he would be the very first one to ask her out after she made the decree at the office that she was single. She had told me when we were dating that she and Bill had gone out a few years ago for just a week and both decided they didn't think they were compatible in a romantic relationship. I guess they changed their minds because she stayed at his house last night (I live right down the street from him, so yes I'm crazy right now and I drove by his house).

 

I have been so devastated. I'm a grown man. I'm a law enforcement agent and I have bawled and squawled over her like a 10 year old girl. I never had any doubts in my mind that we would both get married and spend the rest of our lives together. She is my ENTIRE world. She is the one person in the world who was made just for me. She is my soulmate. The last year and a half have been so wonderful and now I feel like my chest is twisted in a knot.

 

I asked her the last time we spoke the other night if she wanted me to move on. I said I needed honesty and needed closure if that's what she wanted. She wouldn't tell me that she was done with me. She said that she wasn't going to say "never" because she didn't know what's going to happen six months from now. By the way, just to head it off, she's not a girl that's into playing head games. I know EVERYONE plays at least SOME games occasionally, but she's never played games before.

 

I'm hoping that she's just unsure of what she wants and is trying to take one last look around to see if there's anything better. The good news is that they dated before for that one week and decided they didn't belong together. The other good thing is that he's a playboy-type. He's a pretty boy and usually has a different date every week. I'm hoping that he's just a new and exciting relationship and it'll fizzle quickly after they've been together a while. Maybe he'll want some new booty in a month. I really hope I don't see her in three months wearing a big rock on her finger. I hope maybe she'll look around a bit and decide that I was her soulmate and she'll come back to me.

 

I'm not going to call her again. The ball is in her court now to decide what she wants. It's no use in calling her and whining and begging if she's curled up next to her lawyer buddy. I'm in so much despair that I really need to go out with some girls and get my mind off of her a bit. No girl will ever come close to her; she's so damn beautiful and fun, but a new fling would be something new and exciting for me to have while she's getting her head straight (and screwing Bill). It'll maybe have the added benefit of making her realize that I'm not waiting around for her to experiment while I sit on the couch staring at the floor crying my eyes out. I just can't stand the thought of some other man living with MY wife and having MY fairy tale happy life (or what was supposed to be mine).

 

I don't know that I'm looking for answers as much as I just needed to type the whole thing out and have someone else read my story. I would, though, really appreciate any outside advice. It's always easier to look at a situation from the outside and offer sane logic than it is to figure out what's going on while your heart is smushed and your head is full of images of your girlfriend in the shower with another man.

 

Thanks for any help you can offer.

 

Brandon

[Love Hurts]

Ouch......... that hurts... the loss of a soul mate.

 

Brandon you are on the right track.. You vented and in doing so ... you said so many positive things. The good move on your part is to not call her. If she knows you are devastated... while she is enjoying the company of another man..

You will show your weakness, love has a way of making us look like fools.

 

Refrain from contact and yes do date. The sooner you are out and about the better. Mind you .. no female at this time will measure up in your eyes to your xgf.

 

~Enjoy the female in your company~

Your date can make you laugh and feel more light hearted at a time you need it most.

If you want a second date with the female you take out..

difficult as it is ...

 

Try not to spend the entire evening talking about your x.

This way you both have a better time out.

Not talking about your x will give you a break from thinking of her,

allow yourself time out.

We can't predict what the future holds.

 

Work with the now and focus on self. You are possitive... thats plus for you.

 

Take one day at a time......... keep your chin up.

[Fun2BMe]

It's always easier to look at a situation from the outside and offer sane logic than it is to figure out what's going on while your heart is smushed and your head is full of images of your girlfriend in the shower with another man.

Get any sexual images of her and the other guy she is now with out of your head. Stop saying that she is your soulmate. That will keep you from finding another so called soulmate. She is no longer in love with you at the time being. You seem to know what to do as far as keeping yourself occupied, not callilng her and moving on. That's pretty much what you have to do. People fall out of love all the time even while their former SO is still in love with them.

[BrandonBP]

Love Hurts,

 

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. It helps to see someone on the outside telling me that I'm doing the right thing. I feel so nutty right now trying to cope with her sleeping with another guy.

 

I've never said this about any of the many other girls I've dated, but with her, if she sleeps with 5 guys I'll get over it and take her back. Any other girlfriend could have slept with one guy and she'd be history. It's different with this girl. She means the world to me. It's easy to go insane thinking about your soulmate running around the house naked with another man, but I'm mostly worried that she'll fall for him and I'll never get her back. I love her so much, I'll take her back no matter what. I suppose I just have ACT like that's not the case, which is so very hard to do when your heart aches for someone.

 

Thanks again.

 

Brandon

[BrandonBP]

Stop saying that she is your soulmate. That will keep you from finding another so called soulmate.

Hehe. I think that each of us is only allowed one soulmate.

[Fun2BMe]

Hehe. I think that each of us is only allowed one soulmate.

I've had many! There's no rule that there is only 1. In your case, she's yours but you are not her soulmate. Wouldn't you rather be wtih someone who you are their soulmate too? One-sided relationships are never fun to be in.

[jefeco99]

Brandon buddy,

 

I know exactly what you are going through. My gf broke up with me 3 months ago and I went through and still am going through the same feelings that you are going through. I've cried myself to sleep so many times, pictured her with her new bf at his place in my head every weekend, and even went to her school with flowers debating if I should catch her on her way out (I didn't do it).

 

All I can tell you is that it will get better. I know you feel like you are never going to meet someone like her ever again, but do you really want someone who picked another guy over you? From reading your post, and from my own experience, it sounds like you would be happy being the consolation prize.

 

I know you are probably tired of hearing "time heals all wounds". But its true, and in a few months you are going to be able to live a normal life again. If its really that bad right now, see a doctor and ask for some medication to help get you through this rough time. I had a hard time convincing myself to do that, but it really does help to ease the pain.

 

Stick in there. There was a life before you met her and meeting new people is the greatest thing you can do for yourself right now.

[Guest]

Brandon,

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've been in both sides (I'm a female) I did to my husband what she's done to you. Let start by saying that my former husband and I were supposedly soulmates. Something I never had, never thought saw with me or any other couples. About 1yr after we met we got engaged... he broke up with me over a silly fight. He wasn't good at handling pressure. COMPLETELY devastated, I go crazy, wind up at his sisters house b/c she called me. He didn't know what he had done, he realized he made a mistake. That took such toll on me, I never thought that he would be capable of disregarding my feelings and throwing away the best things we've ever come to see.. so as I arrived at his sisters house.. he was in the phone with her.. but I was so emotionally drained I couldn't talk to him. He couldn't believe "I" didn't want to talk to him.. so he just showed up at his sisters house.. and I said to him to NEVER do that to me again.

 

We got back together and he gave me back the ring. A few months later we moved away and there was so many complications.. so many turbulances.. I guess it was a test to see if we really loved each other. Having moved away with him to another state it was though, neither one of us had a job but we thought that the love we had for one one another would suffice. After a 6mths of living there we things were had but I remained optimistic that things would work out. I was working several jobs while he was being picky about where to work. One day I come home to find him soaking and then he tells me that we have to talk... I couldn't believe he was going to do this again but he did. He broke up our engagement with our wedding only 9months away. OMG, I didn't show him any emotion (but inside I had died instantly). I told him ok, but you have to leave here now. He did. Devasted, I dropped and quit everything to come back to our home state. I didn't want to let go. I hurt to much. How can something so inexplicably wonderful end? It just didnt' make any, any sense. As we arrived at our home state, he dropped me off and that was the worst b/c I thought I would never see him again.

 

I never called him waiting for him to call me. I wouldn't. Why should I? I'm the one that was broken. I'm the one who needed mending but couldn't mend myself. A few weeks later he called, he called b/c the ck of from my job was automatically deposited into his account. So he was honest enough to call me to give me my check. He told me that he would mail but I told him that I would like to see him. When we met at a coffee shop, I told him that I needed him back.. that we had such a wonderful thing and how could he do that AGAIN. (I was crazy to have wanted him back after the 1st time but I thought that that was the only LOVE I would ever have or find)

 

Anyway, after a lot of begging we get back together. We did get married about 6-7mths later. Everything was a disaster. It was like a sign. We forced for it to work.

 

*THE TWIST*

 

During our marriage, we continued going through many struggles, financial, overbearing family, etc.. I started to notice things in him that started not to please me... He was more about pleasing others than pleasing us... Going through tough times again, I started to push away... All of the sudden, this wonderful blissful, relationship, where we were each other soulmates all of the sudden didn't feel that way anymore... I started to feel different for him and in a repugnant way... I started to slowly push away... and at first I just wanted space.. I didn't want to be near him.. I would ask him to give me space.. He couldn't comprehend... WHY? Why was I being so cold? I couldn't either. I was lost. How could this be? Did I really shut the switch? I had but hadn't known yet. I just wanted him to give me space but he kept begging for me to tell him what had happened.. but nothing had. I completely had lost my feelings for him... I think that at the end my understanding of it all was that, during out marriage things still continued to be tough. Nothing really got better, though we had conversations and kept expressing to each other that it would. It never did. I think that before he could shut himself off from me and break my heart one more time... I SHUT down. I gave up and no longer wanted to feel the hurt again. At the end he felt the pain he made me feel both times he hurt me... and sadly, I didn't care! I really didn't. How could I not care for something I would've gave my life to? I don't know. But it happened! It can happen.

 

This is the first time since 4years since I talked about this failed marriage. It feels good to share my experience with someone who needs it. I wish you all the best Brandon but be good to yourself because unless you care for yourself FIRST and FOREMOST.. no one ever will.. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND... It is easier said than done but you need to leave her alone... otherwise you will just make her want to be further from me. You need to appear more interesting. Get involved.. meet people.. join some sports... meet some girls (doesn't have to be sexual) keep it platonic.. have your phone ring several times when she calls.. NEVER, EVER CALL HER! Try to ignore her some... sooner or later things will turn. Even if they don't.. do this for yourself... BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND!!!

 

All the best to you!

[BrandonBP]

Jefeco,

 

That was the nicest post. Thanks so much for your understanding and encouraging words.

 

I know that I'll eventually be fine, but I hate the thought of what the next few months are going to be like knowing that she's gone.

 

Maybe she'll dump the fella and come crawling back to me (right).

 

Brandon

[BrandonBP]

One-sided relationships are never fun to be in.

It wasn't one-sided until a week ago. Dang, if I'd had asked her to mary me last month she would have been all over it.

 

I talked to my mom today and she said she thought it sounded like the "biological clock ticking" thing that women get. I think mom's right. My girlfriend wanted so badly to get married to me and I thought we had all the time in the world. I'm a dummy.

[Brittanyjean06]

If she was your soulmate, she woulden't be telling you she needs space and time to see if your the her " soul mate " , she would know on the spot.

 

You don't want to be with her any more. She slept over another mans house! that is a major red flag, that the guy and her are involved together. I know your devestating feeling by that...trust me. Don't give her the privlage to have to choose to be with you, she doesn't desearve you! Yeah right now your feeling all sad, and down and like she is the one, but time will put a good amount of things in to perspective for you!

 

She's already seen you at your worst, she knows she can have you any time she wants, or when her " head is clear". Start Nc now, start feeling like a man again and being strong, because you will get through this tough time. She isn't playing head games with you, this is real, and your going to have to face the fact of this.

 

After things get reconciled, do you want to stay with her? why would you after this?... shes not your soul mate! she was at the time being, but not any more...you will realize that, and you can find someone who isn't going to sleep at another mans house.

 

Stay strong!

[Fun2BMe]

It wasn't one-sided until a week ago. Dang, if I'd had asked her to mary me last month she would have been all over it.

 

I talked to my mom today and she said she thought it sounded like the "biological clock ticking" thing that women get. I think mom's right. My girlfriend wanted so badly to get married to me and I thought we had all the time in the world. I'm a dummy.

You and your mom are making excuses for her. If it was her clock ticking, it would not make sense to start the clock all over again with a new man. It's not like they are going to get hitched this week. You were closer than he is right now unless you had told her you wanted to wait a few more years. I don't know what time period if any you had provided for her.

[BrandonBP]

I wish you all the best Brandon but be good to yourself because unless you care for yourself FIRST and FOREMOST.. no one ever will.. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND... It is easier said than done but you need to leave her alone... otherwise you will just make her want to be further from me. You need to appear more interesting. Get involved.. meet people.. join some sports... meet some girls (doesn't have to be sexual) keep it platonic.. have your phone ring several times when she calls.. NEVER, EVER CALL HER! Try to ignore her some... sooner or later things will turn. Even if they don't.. do this for yourself... BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND!!!

 

All the best to you!

Thanks so much for your story, even though it was depressing . Also thanks for the advice coming from a girl.

 

I know I know I KNOW that the best thing is not to contact her and let her do her thing and that pestering her will only make her have even more disdain for me. It's SOOOOO damn hard though to not have answers and just say, "To hell with it. She can kiss my butt while she's off on her joyride." I mean DANGIT if I had given her a ring last month she would've pooped herself from being so overjoyed with us being engaged. Flash forward one month and she won't even call to see how I am. She gives not one rip about me. What the hell happened? How can you go from wanting someone with all of your heart to not giving a crap about them enough to even acknowledge their existence in just a month?!

 

My head is just full of all of these questions about things. How can you love someone with all of your heart for a year and a half and then just say "Screw it." She's not a typical girl. She's the most down-to-earth woman I've ever met, period. She's super intelligent and a professional young woman. She's not flighty like that. That's what makes the whole thing even tougher for me to figure out.

 

Anyways, thanks so much for your input. I'll take in all the angles I can get. Every situation is different for every person and every relationship, though, and I know that if I know her better than anyone and I can't figure out what the hell is going on then it's gotta be hard for anyone else to crack the mystery.

 

Brandon

[BrandonBP]

You and your mom are making excuses for her. If it was her clock ticking, it would not make sense to start the clock all over again with a new man. It's not like they are going to get hitched this week. You were closer than he is right now unless you had told her you wanted to wait a few more years. I don't know what time period if any you had provided for her.

Stop using logic on me!

 

What you say is very true. I wondered this very thing myself about the whole engagement ring thing. Maybe she just made up her mind that I needed to either "s*** or get off the pot" as mom used to say.

 

I also have no idea what she and the guy have discussed when they were out after work having drinks. Maybe he flirted with her and gave her hints as to what he wanted in the future and she liked what she heard. He has ambitions of being a U.S. congressman and he has a very good chance of getting there one day. Maybe she likes the thought of being a congressman's wife. Crap, I don't know. I just hope and pray that he's not given up his playboy ways. I'm hoping so bad that he'll get tired of this fling and want to move along to something else.

 

Brandon

[BrandonBP]

After things get reconciled, do you want to stay with her? why would you after this?... shes not your soul mate! she was at the time being, but not any more...you will realize that, and you can find someone who isn't going to sleep at another mans house.

I would take her back because I truly love her. I would have never considered ever taking back any of the other girlfriends I've had if they ever slept with someone else, but this girl is different. I truly love her and want to spend my life with her. She means the world to me.

[blue636]

Well, Brandon, it seems you're doing the right thing by letting her know how you feel and that the ball is in her court. For the time being, you might have to just leave her alone. I know it's hard, but it's like a sales pitch: Once you've made your closing statement, you just keep your mouth shut and wait for a response. No sense in complicating things any further.

 

The worst part is that it's probably just a waiting game now to see what happens. But I would advise you to make no contact with her whatsoever so that she can consider her options without being coerced or annoyed.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

Hi all,

 

I really appreciate these forums. I've had a HORRIBLE time this week and these forums have helped me try to get my thoughts straight.

 

I'm 32 and my EX-girlfriend (it still doesn't sound right) is 29. I waited 31 years for the right girl and when I found her, I knew immediately that I was madly in love with her. After just 3 weeks of dating, we both decided that we would get married and spend our lives together. We've both known for the last 17 months of our relationship that we wanted nothing more in life than to be married to one another and to live out our days together.

 

A week ago we got into a fight and she broke up with me. She gives me the whole "I don't know if this is working out. I need some space for a while" deal. She starts doing the thing where she lists off all the reasons why we shouldn't be together and what I've done wrong as if to convince herself that she's doing the right thing by leaving me. She promises that she's not breaking up with me because she wants to date anyone else. She says, "I'm not even thinking about that. That's nowhere near my mind." Well, call me a sucker...

 

This Friday, I left her a message at 5 o'clock, about the time she gets off work. She doesn't call. I call again at 7:00 and again at 9:00. I'm going absolutely apes*** because it's Friday night and she's not returning my calls. Every guy knows what that means. I finally call her house at 3:30 AM and she's just gotten home. She says she went to a formal event with "a friend from law school" and then went out drinking. She tells me she's lost her cellphone (right). Which "friend" exactly I ask. She tells me she went with Bill, her co-worker. They prosecute cases together in the same office. They were in the same class in law school. Well, "friends" don't drop off the other friend at the house at 3:30 AM. She would normally have taken her SUV instead of him picking her up. It was a date.

 

They've been best friends for years. I should've known that he would be the very first one to ask her out after she made the decree at the office that she was single. She had told me when we were dating that she and Bill had gone out a few years ago for just a week and both decided they didn't think they were compatible in a romantic relationship. I guess they changed their minds because she stayed at his house last night (I live right down the street from him, so yes I'm crazy right now and I drove by his house).

 

I have been so devastated. I'm a grown man. I'm a law enforcement agent and I have bawled and squawled over her like a 10 year old girl. I never had any doubts in my mind that we would both get married and spend the rest of our lives together. She is my ENTIRE world. She is the one person in the world who was made just for me. She is my soulmate. The last year and a half have been so wonderful and now I feel like my chest is twisted in a knot.

 

I asked her the last time we spoke the other night if she wanted me to move on. I said I needed honesty and needed closure if that's what she wanted. She wouldn't tell me that she was done with me. She said that she wasn't going to say "never" because she didn't know what's going to happen six months from now. By the way, just to head it off, she's not a girl that's into playing head games. I know EVERYONE plays at least SOME games occasionally, but she's never played games before.

 

I'm hoping that she's just unsure of what she wants and is trying to take one last look around to see if there's anything better. The good news is that they dated before for that one week and decided they didn't belong together. The other good thing is that he's a playboy-type. He's a pretty boy and usually has a different date every week. I'm hoping that he's just a new and exciting relationship and it'll fizzle quickly after they've been together a while. Maybe he'll want some new booty in a month. I really hope I don't see her in three months wearing a big rock on her finger. I hope maybe she'll look around a bit and decide that I was her soulmate and she'll come back to me.

 

I'm not going to call her again. The ball is in her court now to decide what she wants. It's no use in calling her and whining and begging if she's curled up next to her lawyer buddy. I'm in so much despair that I really need to go out with some girls and get my mind off of her a bit. No girl will ever come close to her; she's so damn beautiful and fun, but a new fling would be something new and exciting for me to have while she's getting her head straight (and screwing Bill). It'll maybe have the added benefit of making her realize that I'm not waiting around for her to experiment while I sit on the couch staring at the floor crying my eyes out. I just can't stand the thought of some other man living with MY wife and having MY fairy tale happy life (or what was supposed to be mine).

 

I don't know that I'm looking for answers as much as I just needed to type the whole thing out and have someone else read my story. I would, though, really appreciate any outside advice. It's always easier to look at a situation from the outside and offer sane logic than it is to figure out what's going on while your heart is smushed and your head is full of images of your girlfriend in the shower with another man.

 

Thanks for any help you can offer.

 

Brandon

 

That sucks man. I feel for you, I really do. It's hard enough having family for those of us in Law Enforcement, but that's an entirely different can of worms all together.

 

Glad you came here and typed your heart out. That in itself is one way to cope. Just be careful with the stalking (I know it's a rough term, but you said yourself you're in L.E., so you know what I'm talking about).

 

3 weeks, though - honestly...seems too fast to get into a talk about marriage. I'm kind of shaky on that prospect of your situation. There are a variety of reasons as to why these kinds of things occur and you'll go into loops and spirals going crazy trying to figure this sh-t out.

 

And if this helps, women generally have an easier time meeting guys. Whether they meet any guys that are up to ->their<- standards is an entirely different topic altogether.

 

I'd say take some time off and take a vacation if you've got some time coming up. It's hard enough doing this job without some other bullsh-t eating away at you from the inside out.

 

Hang in there, brother. You'll make it.

[Fun2BMe]

Stop using logic on me!

 

What you say is very true. I wondered this very thing myself about the whole engagement ring thing. Maybe she just made up her mind that I needed to either "s*** or get off the pot" as mom used to say.

 

I also have no idea what she and the guy have discussed when they were out after work having drinks. Maybe he flirted with her and gave her hints as to what he wanted in the future and she liked what she heard. He has ambitions of being a U.S. congressman and he has a very good chance of getting there one day. Maybe she likes the thought of being a congressman's wife. Crap, I don't know. I just hope and pray that he's not given up his playboy ways. I'm hoping so bad that he'll get tired of this fling and want to move along to something else.

 

Brandon

Unless he is worth millions of dollars and has a lot of high profile connections, his ambitions of becoming a congressman are dreams with a slim (I'm not saying zero chance) possibility of coming true. That said, snap out of it. I don't think your girlfriend is dreaming of being a congressman's wife or any other excuses you are thinking of.

 

It's hard to come to grips with something like this when she has not provided you with an explanation. It could be that her heart is feeling for him now with no explanation possible to provide. All you can do is wait to see if she will get over him and come back to you unless you can think of a smear campaign against him lol. Or you can blackmail that if he ever runs for office you will make public his character of how he stole your girlfriend and potential wife away from you.

 

On a serious note, at the very least she owes you an explanation. I don't know if you are on talking terms or if she has been contacting you but it would help for you to ask her so that you don't pick your head and imagine a dozen different hurtful reasons why she has gone to him. On the other hand, the truth could be hard to stomach. Better wait and see what happens.

[BrandonBP]

But I would advise you to make no contact with her whatsoever so that she can consider her options without being coerced or annoyed.

Yeah, you're right. I remember a few months ago that she told me that she didn't like confrontation and would usually just rather say nothing than have a conflict with someone. I hope and pray that that's why she wouldn't answer my e-mails or calls is because she just didn't want to deal with the stress rather than her just not caring whatsoever about my feelings.

[BrandonBP]

And if this helps, women generally have an easier time meeting guys. Whether they meet any guys that are up to ->their<- standards is an entirely different topic altogether.

I know that's the truth, Partner. That's what I was so worried about when she said she needed her "space." As soon as men find out that a pretty woman is single, they'll surround her like a pack of wild dogs. That's what friggin' sucks so damn bad is that she's got someone new to be excited about and not have to worry or reflect upon me or start to miss me while I get to sit in my apartment and stare at the walls and twist my brain trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

 

I'd take a damn date in a heartbeat to get my mind off of her and just enjoy hanging out with someone new, but guys don't have it like women. We have to work at getting dates. Women don't find out that you're single and then suddenly shower you with complements and ask you out for dinner.

[BrandonBP]

On a serious note, at the very least she owes you an explanation. I don't know if you are on talking terms or if she has been contacting you but it would help for you to ask her so that you don't pick your head and imagine a dozen different hurtful reasons why she has gone to him.

That's the biggest problem that's driving me nutso. I have a baznillion questions about what the hell happened and what's going on, but she has refused to answer the phone, return my calls, or respond to the super long email I sent her on Saturday bearing my soul to her.

 

That's so hurtful to think that she has no consideration for me or my feelings at all that she can't take 30 seconds to respond to an e-mail and just say, "I got your e-mail. I'm glad you told me your thoughts." It's so horribly painful more than anything that I don't mean enough to her to even give me a response when she knows I'm miserable.

 

I told her the last time we spoke and also in my e-mail the other day that I just needed to know the truth from her if she had no intentions of being with me again so I could move ahead with my life. She doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me, the person she wanted to be her husband as little as a month ago, whether or not she wants me to scram or if she still has feelings for me. It seems like she would tell me to beat it if she really didn't want to have any dealings with me ever again.

 

Like I said, she doesn't play mind games. She's straight forward and wouldn't drag me along for the purpose of intentionally hurting me. She maybe just doesn't want to tell me to get away and she does still have feelings for me, but she doesn't want to talk to me and have the stress right now either. I think that if she had made up her mind that she didn't want anything to do with me then she'd have said so by now to get me out of her life.

 

I sure am glad you guys are here to talk with, though. This is the loneliest I've ever felt in 32 years. If I ever needed to talk about anything and get it off my chest, I would tell her. Now that the problem IS her, I don't have anyone to console me. She was my best friend. You guys taking the time to read about and respond to my problems is at least a way for me to confide in someone and have people encourage me and offer advice and solutions.

 

Thanks so much guys,

 

Brandon

[Fun2BMe]

I don't know if it was the best thing to send her the long email spilling your guts about your undying love for her. She has done something that naturally should hurt and anger you. I know you love her so much that you are willing to overlook that she has left for another guy and you will take her back in an instant.

 

This does not give her room to feel bad or guilty for what she has done. Whenever she might think about contacting you, she gets a reeassurance either a call or now a long email from you that everything she is doing is ok, that you are there waiting for her. Think about it. Don't you think she will lose respect for you? If I was in a loving relationship with a boyfriend and took off with a coworker, no less one who lived down the street from him, I can't think of any past boyfriend I have had who would be chasing me. If I did, I would think he must be desperate, spineless or not have morals and standards. I wouldn't think oh geez he loves me so much that he doesn't care I am screwing another guy.

 

I remember yesterday responding to a thread where the guy said his girlfriend is mad at him for posting a comment "nice boobs" to a girl on myspace. He ended up terminating his account because he felt bad and upset his girlfriend. At the same time, his girlfriend not only emails with another guy but has given her number to him and they flirt via email and phone yet SHE is the one getting mad at him and he feels guilty. Do you see how messed up that is? You should be upset at least a little bit, instead of only heartbroken that she is gone. I don't know if you have yelled at her or spoken your mind to her, or are you only "oh honey I love you and forgive you as soon as you come back to me, I will be sitting here waiting til hell freezes over for you" type of conversations and emails to her? You have to grow some spine and set some standards so not only you but others can have respect for you.

 

I can relate to what you are going through. I was recently dating a guy who I was tolerating him being with other girls because I was so in love with him. It didn't take long for other people here to open my eyes and for me to put an end to it. If you do send her an email, the tone should be that she only has until x day to get back to you otherwise you take it that she no longer gives a s*** about you. How long are you willing to let someone keep you in limbo like this? How selfish can she be knowing how you are feeling? That is not love or confusion. It is evil and selfish.

 

Demand answers or else you are really wasting your time. Is it going to take six months of silence from her? Until you find out she is engaged? Why let her decide when you will be able to start getting over her? You tell her what YOU want, not that she really cares judging from her actions, sorry to say.

[BrandonBP]

This does not give her room to feel bad or guilty for what she has done. Whenever she might think about contacting you, she gets a reeassurance either a call or now a long email from you that everything she is doing is ok, that you are there waiting for her. Think about it. Don't you think she will lose respect for you?

I know exactly what you're saying; however, it's like this... If she had second thoughts as to whether I was really meant for her, then if she broke up with me and I merely said to hell with her and never tried to tell her how I really felt, then she'd think, "Well, I guess I was right. He really didn't give a damn about me. He didn't even care enough to try to and get me back. I suppose I made the right decision to get away from him since I wasn't worth it for him to make the effort."

 

I'm not going to hound her to death. I only needed to show her that I truly love her and care about her, so while she's struggling with her head to sort out what she wants in life, she'll know that I sincerely want to have her in my life and that I made every attempt to make things right.

 

I'm persistent, but I'm no fool. I've done everything I can to show her that I dearly love her, but I'm not going to follow her around like a puppy. I made a sincere effort to show her that she means everything to me. If she's figuring out what she wants then she'll have my thoughts in the e-mail to look back on later. If from now on she decides not to have me in her life, then it's her decision.

 

I couldn't, though, have her thinking that she meant crap to me and that I wouldn't make the effort to get her back. She's not a highschool girl that loves the man who rejects her and plays games by ignoring her.

 

She has her own thing going now, and I hope the hell it goes south and she has to then decide if I was right for her all along. She'll have the e-mail to review to see that she really means everything to me.

 

What you say is true, but with this girl, she needs to at least know that I'm willing to commit to her and not abandon her whenever there's trouble. Especially since her biggest trouble with me is that I didn't give her a damn ring over the last year and a half and didn't show her that I was truly willing to commit.

 

Brandon

[garnet]

I understand where you're coming from Brandon, but I have to say that from the woman's perspective I agree with the above poster.

 

Just because you weren't ready to give her a ring does not justify her actions. It is not a good enough reason to walk out of a long relationship in which she was treated well and turn her back on you. She deserves at least a little of your anger, I would say. She will respect you more for standing up for that, I guarantee it.

[BrandonBP]

I understand where you're coming from Brandon, but I have to say that from the woman's perspective I agree with the above poster.

Yes, I agree that Fun2BMe is correct, but I felt like I needed to explain why I needed to tell my ex exactly how I feel about her before going NC.

 

Just because you weren't ready to give her a ring does not justify her actions. It is not a good enough reason to walk out of a long relationship in which she was treated well and turn her back on you. She deserves at least a little of your anger, I would say. She will respect you more for standing up for that, I guarantee it.

Dang, I want so badly to get to the anger stage so it'll help my emotions. I had the first taste of it today after I got back from lunch and I knew damn well she should've seen my e-mail from Saturday by then and still hasn't replied. I got pissed that she would love me with all her heart a couple of weeks ago and want to bear my children, and then all of a sudden not give a damn enough about me to even send a courtesy reply.

 

I suddenly felt better at being pissed off at her instead of only feeling guilt towards myself. I had planned to take off work a couple of hours early to go to a doctor to see if they couldn't give me some sort of happy pills to help cope with my emotions and stress. I've never been a fan of people taking psychological drugs but I'm hurting so bad right now that I'll take any help I can get just to be able to focus on my work.

 

Anyway, when I got pissed off, the pain from my chest subsided for a couple of hours and I felt so much better. I thought I'd found the Holy Grail to getting through this: Just be mad at her for treating me this way. I didn't feel the need to go to the doctor.

 

When I got home, the pain of losing her hit me all over again. I started crying so hard that I thought I was going to choke. You know, your face contorts so hard it's painful and you start gagging and coughing with slobber running down your chin. I was beating my fist into my pillow begging for God to let me have her back.

 

I think I need to go get some happy pills tomorrow...