my case

[iron_m]

Hi there:

After reading through the forum I'd like to present my case and get some input from you.

 

We are 33 y.o. and have 1 daughter (7). We live temporarily in the US as students, but our idea was to follow all steps to reach permanent resident status in the long term. We are from a latin american country.

 

After a 10 mo. long depression my wife appears to be comming out. She is still on medication and attending therapy. Things has been very very tough during the last months.

 

She has been spending hours at the msn talking to 4 friends she met over the internet. They are from a european country. At first I was OK, I even talked to them to. But as time passed I grew angry and jealous and was not comfortable with that. Our discussions about her spending time with them started about a year ago, and that's when the depression started. The final point was when she decided to visit 2 of them (march). I was pissed off and she couldn't understand why I would try to control her and not let her visit her friends. It is only friendship she said.

 

She went... 10 days appart let us think and I came to the idea that I was being terribly unfair, she has the right to have these friends. No matter the way she met them (long story behind that). So I got ready to tell all this to her and act consequently...

 

...she also had time to think. upon her return she stopped wearing the wedding ring and a few days later told me she wanted divorce. It was friday, 10 days ago. I couldn't believe it... the next morning I took a walk to think and think. When I was leaving she connected to msn... saturday we talked alot, nothing new: "she loved me but she was not in love any more". Divorce, Divorce or Divorce are the choices.

 

I told her, OK, let's go for it. How will we do it? We don't earn enough to have to homes? she said:

I'll stay here for a while, then I am leaving to europe (where her friend lives). She said that saturday morning talked to "peter" and he told her that he wanted an opportunity now that she "IS" free.

 

WTF??? so she is telling me: "we where only friends, he supported me all this time with true frienship and now that I have told you and him that our marriage will be over, he has declared his love and I am accepting it "

 

In the following days she has been better. She is applying to an university in that country and she is figuring out the details of her move. She is planning 6-12 month in advance and plans to stay at home meanwhile. We agree on a couple of basic things:

1) our kid should stay here with me, she'll miss her mom terribly, but my wife move's is gambling to much to involve a kid

2) convivence should be as short as possible (but it doesn't depend entirely on us)

 

 

Now how I feel:

confused to say the least. I love her and I am in love with her. I think of our kid every minute also. I am pissed off thinking that with one of these friends she was nurturing this romance that now is comming to surface.

 

I can not stand her talked to him any more while we are living on the same house. (the other guys, it is ok, but this "peter"... I just cant help it). I suffer when she cryies saying she will miss the kid and asks for my consolations. I feel like saying "I'm sorry this is your choice" but I also feel lie saying "don't worry, I am going to help you to be in contact with each other". I am acting more on the lines of the second options, but still something inside me tells me to do the other thing.

 

I cry, I get angry, I do not talk to her or talk to her all day. I can't sleep or can't get up. Fear, Anger, Anguish, (all with capitals ) are my "random modes"

 

I don't know how to act in this situation. I'd like to be at least consistent in that.

 

I'll listed to you from here on and comment is needed

 

thanks!

[tiff2006]

I am glad that I have read your story, it gives me a better understanding of what my husband is going through... My husband and I are in our thirties, and got married young, married 13yrs now... I have filed for divorce over neglect. He had not shown me any atention at all, and would sabotoge anything good, by fighting with me, or whatever.. Finally 2yrs. ago, I told him that I wanted out, and was going to file! He broke down and bawled in front of me! I was in shock!!! I thought for sure he'd just tell me to leave.. Anyway, we did the marriage counseling thing for over 2yrs... and he really tried to change, but started changing back to his old ways!! So over this winter, just like your wife, I too went into a deep depression, went on line, made new friends, message boards, chat rooms, ect... I met a man on there only 2yrs older then me, he had been divorced 2 years before... He was very nice polite and respectfull that I was married... Never came onto me at all!! We would just talk about the weather, ect... Anyway, as time went by, I started acting more goofy, from my depression, I would make up stories, and flirt with him... He took it all in stride, and still just tried to be nice.. meanwhile I was no longer eating, drinking, sleeping, cleaning, or being there fo the kids!!

My husband never even noticed!!!

I don't know when it happened, but I too fell in love with this man! I never believed that this was possible! I always thought that there would have to be physical attraction, and interaction, but I guess not! I know in my case I was neglected the whole marriage, and not respected as his wife, and looked down at always, like as if nothing I would ever do would be good enough!

I also know that when he left the house, nothing felt any different to me.. Because he was never really here anyway.. quite sad..

 

As for you, I hope the insight helps you a little too... I know I am kinda the enemy, but if you can see from the other side, it does help you mend... I am a real good person, and NEVER cheated on my husband!! But I do need more out of life! So yes, my divorce is still going through, and I am still in contact with this other man, and now that I am legally seperated, we are planning to meet..

We have been talking now for 4 months, and I am on meds for my depression that has lifted so much since I told my (soon-ex) that I was divorcing him...

 

Best wishes for you! The best advise I can give is to don't settle! Not even for your kids!! This is just not good!! You are doing the right thing by not fighting her on her decision...Just back away, let her go! If she is the one for you, you'll know it if she returns!

I do hope that you can find some happiness for you! You deserve and need it!! well, I guess, don't we all

[Ladyjane14]

First and foremost, your child needs a stable parent.... and your wife isn't capable of being one. You'll need to step up to the plate and provide a safe and loving home for your daughter, even if that means legal intervention to protect your child.

 

You wife has very likely been carrying on an EA (emotional affair) with the internet guy, and it's possible that the affair has become physical since she's gone off to visit him. People don't usually carry on for months on end in 'innocent' cyber friendships, meet in-person, and then ask for a divorce out of the blue. That just doesn't make any sense.

 

If she's cheating, she will NOT see reason while she's embroiled in the affair. There's no point in engaging her with logic. The infatuation she's experiencing has addictive qualities, and she's not going to want to let go of it.

 

Your best bet is to read a copy of Surviving an Affair by Harley, and/or Not Just Friends by Glass. That should help you to understand the dynamics of what you're dealing with.

 

In the meantime, you can be pleasant and attractive with your wife.... but it's not incumbent that you help her to leave you. "Mr. Reality don't play" (according to Gunny ). So, you can open up her cage door, but you don't have to support her in her adultery. The idea is to show her that HERE is love and support, but OVER THERE is chaos and uncertainty.

[Ladyjane14]

He took it all in stride, and still just tried to be nice.. meanwhile I was no longer eating, drinking, sleeping, cleaning, or being there fo the kids!!

 

I hope that when you read post #2 from Tiff2006, you can see a bit more of what you're up against.

 

It is imperative that you protect you child. Right now, your wife could theoretically whisk your daughter off to Europe, and then you'd be faced with an uphill battle to get her back. Your lack of citizenship is going to complicate your situation.

 

I think if I were you, I would definitely see an attorney and make certain that temporary orders of custody are arranged in your favor. If your daughter has a passport, you'll want to secure it immediately.

[iron_m]

1) tiff:

you are not enemy bu association by any means. Thanks for the "other side perspective".

 

There are simmilarities and differences in our cases. But yes, she "fell in love" with this extranger by talking her marriage problems over the internet.

 

I have been a caring father. Remember: I am a latino. So a latino man who cooks, takes care of the kid, etc it is already way beyond the average of its class hahahaha! But yes, I have nor been the best husband at all. yet I feel desapointed I didn't have an opportunity to know what was really going on. And the way she is justifying why she wants divorce is so hurting that I can't accept all as true and still keep my mind sane.

 

Would I "forgive" her if she changes her mind? who knows! but my safe card here is that she'll never change her mind (thanks God!) even after an eventual breaking with this new "friend", she would never say "I was wrong". those words are not know to her in any of the languages she speaks.

 

She has been a very good mother (outstanting sometimes) and for some time a very good parter and wife. But that's over. She could still be a responsible mother, but not a good wife to me, not as she is right now.

 

Lady:

She is not thinking of taking the kid with her. Only way she could consider it is if she thinks that I could "poison" the girls mind or I could take steps to isolate the kid from her mom... I'd never do that to my little girl! and I am trying to reasure that to the mother.

 

She has been having an affair? SURE! physical/sexual contact: NO. they met in person along the same lines they met over the msn. But the meeting triggered the final urge to "do whatever it takes to have an opportunity with him". And here we are: she is planning, I am grieving.

 

Is there love there? who knows? there is a great deal of obsession, you bet! a lot of frustration that is re-directed into "expectations" (and they believe it is hope!). So time will tell them.

 

Is there love here? maybe. But I have to turn the "in love" switch off. I can not allow myself to be in the same situation again. I want to be happy and in a good mode for myself and my daugther. She will benefit from this? I don't care as long as I benefit from it.

 

But my dylema right now is more of a practical sort:

How to deal with her living with me and making plans to go there and chatting over the msn every evening and those things. It is hard for me to deal with that. I already tall her: that is anoying to me, please consider the situation. And she appears to be complying but for how long?

 

The other thing is sex: if she wants to have sex with me. How to react?

I like the sex with her. she knows how to please me and she is hot. But I am not droolling over her. I am not even longing for sex. And I am commited to not to do that (and it is working). But if she proposes it? I'd say I'd go for it. I have that clear: She is not in love and if she wants sex it is not to please me in any way, but to please herself. But I please my self would it be bad for me?

 

what to do? the two are two stupid issues for some people, but are the two things to which I do not know how to react. The rest, I have a clearer understanding of the dos and donts.

 

 

any comment?

thanks!