Problems about having kids

[victoriaviolet]

I had thought my partner's issues about having kids together were about when, but in fact it now seems that the issue is not when, but if. This became clear a few days ago and I am trying to take it in. It feels like a real kick in the guts.

 

We've been together on and off for 10 years - together for 4 years, then we broke up. Been back together now for 3 and a half years. Since we've been back together things have been up and down. I guess that is to be expected. For me also there has been a readjustment to living back at home, as after we broke up I went to live overseas for a couple of years. Nonetheless we have stuck at it, and last year bought a place together. Also I thought that this year we had turned a corner and things were going pretty well.

 

Whenever the topic of kids has come up we have never really agreed about it. But I always understood his issues to be about when to do it. He wanted to leave it a few years, do it when he was better set financially / career-wise. He wasn't ready for such a big change etc etc. Of course, when things were not so good, it didn't seem like a great time to decide to have a baby. Fine.

 

But a few days ago we had an argument (about something completely different!), but I couldn't have imagined that we would end up talking about whether we would have kids. He said he wants things to be right between us, and only then would he even think about it. I can understand that he wants things to be right with us, but I thought we had moved on somewhat. I thought there was a 'bigger picture' and this was now about smoothing things out along the way. He sees it in reverse - if we can't sort out the petty niggles and squabbles, maybe there will be no long-term.

 

I don't know what to do. I am 31 now, and don't want to leave having kids for too much longer (in my ideal world, I would have started by now!). How long am I supposed to wait for him to decide? How is it possible to put a time frame on this? If things are good in 6 mths / a year's time (and have been more good than bad in the time leading up to that) we'll go for it? If not, it's all over? But without a timeframe I can imagine me being in the same position in two or three years' time. If it all falls apart then, I'll be in my mid-thirties, looking for someone new to have a future with. Perhaps it is just time to call it a day and move on? (though I don't want to and he insists that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me). I am scared that I won't find anyone else - or not for a long time. On the other hand, someone new might be just around the corner - someone who, as our relationship progresses, will know that they want to have children with me.

 

Your thoughts please!

[Outcast]

He sees it in reverse - if we can't sort out the petty niggles and squabbles, maybe there will be no long-term.

 

Well, this depends on how petty they are and their effect on your lives. Do you fight daily? About the same things over and over? If so, I agree with him - kids need a happy home and constant 'niggles and squabbles' make for a less-than-ideal home. If after 10 years you still haven't managed to sort them out, then perhaps it's time to enlist the help of a marriage therapist and see if you can't engineer a more peaceful environment in which to bring up kids.

 

And for pete's sakes, if you actually get to the point of discussing having children, have lengthy discussions about how you plan to manage discipline issues, etc. before you have them or doubtless you'll end up in niggles & squabbles over child-rearing.

[Touche]

Wow, Victoria. I really feel for you. I was in such a similar situation in my first marriage. I ended up leaving him and met my husband just DAYS after I left my ex. I was 33. After 8 months we got married and I got pregnant on our honeymoon. I was very lucky.

 

Now, to you. Basically he's going back on his word. And he may have a good case for it. It's not a good thing to bring a child into a troubled marriage. But to me, this would be (and was in part) a deal-breaker. I would give it SIX MONTHS and then cut your losses. And tell him this. If you can't fix your problems and get along, then you wouldn't want to be married to him anyway..let alone have a baby with him.

 

It's not too late for you. I was 34 when I had our son. Don't waste years on him though. Six months should be enough time to see if you can fix your issues and get along.

 

You can love each other all you want but that still doesn't mean it will work. My ex and I loved each other very much but we were like oil and water. It just didn't work.

 

Good luck, dear. Let us know how it goes. And I think you're very smart and brave to start thinking ahead before it's too late.

[Guest]

Well, this depends on how petty they are and their effect on your lives. Do you fight daily? About the same things over and over? QUOTE]

 

Actually, we don't really argue that often - that's almost part of the problem, as things build up. When we do argue, it's a much bigger deal and all those things that have been simmering away under the surface come out. We have tried to agree that we should tell one another when things are getting to us, but I guess neither of us likes to rock the boat, so we don't really do it. Maybe we do need the intervention of someone else..........

 

I have always thought we were thinking along the same lines re bringing up kids - that's part of the reason I want to have kids with him. But maybe being good parents doesn't necessarily mean you are a good couple....... I don't know.

[victoriaviolet]

I would give it SIX MONTHS and then cut your losses. And tell him this. If you can't fix your problems and get along, then you wouldn't want to be married to him anyway..let alone have a baby with him.

 

I know this is what I can do - but it's scary! But to me the comments about if we have a family are the same as questioing whether we have a future together. Am I supposed to wait for him to make the decision? It feels unfair to have the future of a relationship in one person's hands. Giving a 'deadline' would certainly give me some control of the situation.

 

Btw - your experience gives me hope! Thanks!