stillafool Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I am a woman who doesn't have children and never wanted to have children. My H feels the same way. Why is it if you feel this way people think you don't like children or are a selfish individual? I love children and am very giving to any one I can help. I just was never that maternal. I was talking to my H's co-workers wife (they just got married) and she said they don't want children but are afraid to tell anyone because they don't want to be judged. I think that's terrible. I'm always so happy for anyone who is pregnant and happy. Why can't people accept the way I am too? Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I am a woman who doesn't have children and never wanted to have children. My H feels the same way. Why is it if you feel this way people think you don't like children or are a selfish individual? I love children and am very giving to any one I can help. I just was never that maternal. I was talking to my H's co-workers wife (they just got married) and she said they don't want children but are afraid to tell anyone because they don't want to be judged. I think that's terrible. I'm always so happy for anyone who is pregnant and happy. Why can't people accept the way I am too? I know how you feel... like I said, when my xMM's W asked if I had children, he said no and that I don't intend to have any, she said in that case I'm must lack maternal instincts. I am very protective of my nieces and nephews and I my choice was made based on my own life experiences. For someone to make that kind of judgement towards me was quite hurtful. I just felt that she said that because she didn't want their kids around me. I personally only wanted to be around their kids when my xMM and the children were ready for it and were open to it. I didn't want to be forced onto them. But its neither here nor there now. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I never understood that either. It is just a choice. Plus at least your planning and looking into the furture. It is far better to make the chocie to not have kids than to accidently have one and than realize you don't want kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Everyone expects you to have kids. In society, people look at it like you meet someone, fall in love, get married, and start a family. People consider that the norm and if you go against the norm, people will look at you weird. As it stands right now, I don't want kids either, and there is nothing wrong with that for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I think it's their inability to see outside the cookie cutter lifestyle they've been programed to desire. I have never wanted children. I went through a brief period recently when I realized I was going to be too old to have them and I wanted them. I then realized that I only wanted them because others were telling me I couldn't have them. So now I'm back on track and don't want kids, it's not the right lifestyle for me and I do actually have a problem with bringing children into this world myself. If people can't respect your choices then the problem is with them not you, you just have to do your best not to let them get you down. Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Its a choice. Neither right or wrong. I will stick my neck out here and say that unless you have a VERY strong relationship to begin with, children will only add to the stress and be a factor in the disintegration of the relationship. Not just children--but all the side effects--money, time devoted to them and not the spouse, etc. I have three kids and I love them to death and would never change what I did. But, I do believe that had I not had children, that my ex and I would more likely still be together. A good friend of mine was in love with his high school sweetie and as soon as they graduated high school, they got married. When they returned from the honeymoon they got him fixed. They both knew (at 18) that they did not want kids. He is an electician and she is a hospital administrator. They have a wonderful life--lots of travel, nice homes, cars, etc. They are probably one of the happiest couples I have EVER met. But they do love my kids almost as their own as well as their blood relatives. It is a choice and don't let the idiots that confront you get you down. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie61 Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 OMG!!! I thought I was the only one who felt like this... And I'm NOT!!! What a relief...!!! I have never wanted kids of my own. When I was younger kids would sometimes annoy me - such as kids running wild in a restaurant - but as I have got older and as my friends have had their own kids, I actually quite like their company. But as for having my own...? No way! And now that my biological clock should be ticking like mad and I still don't have those maternal feelings, then I think it is safe to say that I will never have them. I also feel that people would look at you like you have 2 heads if you say you don't want kids, so I usually keep it to myself unless asked a straight question. And even when asked, it is not an issue that I would be too forceful about for the very same reason.... Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 For those who hate to address the question. You simply say (with a serious face please), I am sorry, but I cannot have children, my sister died several years back and she was not able to have children and her dying wish was to have one. I was able to donate my uterous which was given to my sister to realize her dream before she died." That will shut them up quick! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 What really counts is what you feel and what your husband feels. If you don't want to have kids, that's OK. Don't need to justify it to ANYBODY. I do understand how you feel though, I'm 35 and no kids yet. I'm not sure if I want them but I'm not ready to ask my husband to get a snip incase I change my mind. He is fine with what I decide. I honestly feel that if I do choose not to have kids, I won't regret it. I have 2 nieces that I'm very close to, 5 years old and 7 years old, 3 nephews, 15, 12, and 9. As well as my friend's children, neighbours kids I feel I'm lucky to be part of their lives and (ha!) not have the FULL responsibilty 24/7 of them all. Does that make sense?? If I do decide to have kids, I know my whole life will change - For the better, ofcourse, but I am happy as things are now. Hubby and I have a saying "Having kids are great but even better when they go home at night!" LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 For those who hate to address the question. You simply say (with a serious face please), I am sorry, but I cannot have children, my sister died several years back and she was not able to have children and her dying wish was to have one. I was able to donate my uterous which was given to my sister to realize her dream before she died." That will shut them up quick! No s*** eh? I had a friend who kept on pressuring me to have kids. Everytime we saw got together with her and their kids, she would say, "Tick tick, come on! I've got 2 already - When are you two having a baby?" No joke, EVERYTIME she'd say that. Finally I got pissed off and told her calmly, "I"m not sure if I can have children, so please stop asking me, k." She hasn't brought it up in well over a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie61 Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 No s*** eh? I had a friend who kept on pressuring me to have kids. Everytime we saw got together with her and their kids, she would say, "Tick tick, come on! I've got 2 already - When are you two having a baby?" No joke, EVERYTIME she'd say that. Finally I got pissed off and told her calmly, "I"m not sure if I can have children, so please stop asking me, k." She hasn't brought it up in well over a year. Yes, that would "shut her up"..... :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Oh and it did. The look on her face was priceless too. I almost laughed, but didn't. Actually I'm abit superstious too, so I quickly went to the bathroom, and knocked on wood. I didn't like lying to her, but it kinda popped out of my mouth. That wasn't planned, I thought it and out it came! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 my best friend kept want me to have kids at the same time she was... We were married around the same time too. She said that maybe our kids will grow up to be as close as we are. Since she's had hers and now understands how much time it takes (and she loves her baby to death and doesn't regret it), she tells me only have them if I really really really want them. Not that's something I've said I've wanted. Duh! I've been saying that for the last decade we've been friends! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillafool Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 No s*** eh? I had a friend who kept on pressuring me to have kids. Everytime we saw got together with her and their kids, she would say, "Tick tick, come on! I've got 2 already - When are you two having a baby?" No joke, EVERYTIME she'd say that. Finally I got pissed off and told her calmly, "I"m not sure if I can have children, so please stop asking me, k." She hasn't brought it up in well over a year. It's true though, how do they even know you can have children??? How insensitive. There are some women who want children more than anything in this world and have spent mega time and money trying to have them. Can you imagine how a question like that hurts them? I love my 2 nephews to death and my cousins kids. I love it too when they come and leave. My mother-in-law especially can't stand it I didn't want to have children. She practically called me a lesbian. I think she feels my life is too easy without them. Her 2 daughters each have 3 and are always exhausted but they love their kids and are great mothers. They have always wanted children. My MIL refuses to believe that her son, my H, didn't want them of course she blames me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 They have always wanted children. My MIL refuses to believe that her son, my H, didn't want them of course she blames me. That is your MIL's problem, not yours. She is putting all those thoughts into her own head. Don't you love it when they try to make you feel guilty? I've stopped that and won't let ANYBODY make me feel bad for my choices. If I decide to have them, they'll be one of the first to know! And if I don't, well, tough s***, deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillafool Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 For those who hate to address the question. You simply say (with a serious face please), I am sorry, but I cannot have children, my sister died several years back and she was not able to have children and her dying wish was to have one. I was able to donate my uterous which was given to my sister to realize her dream before she died." That will shut them up quick! No doubt!!!! That one's priceless. I wish I had heard this a long time ago so I could have told it to my MIL. It's funny, but I think a woman knows at an early age she doesn't want children. I remember as a little girl loving dolls and wanting to be a mommy. After puberty I never had that feeling again. In my 20's and 30's either. Then when I hit 40 I almost wanted one but it was because of pressure from others. I have no regrets about not having children. I made the right choice for me and am glad I have a mate who feels the same. I wonder how many women out there really don't want children but are afraid to say. Even women who want to marry like me, I always knew I wanted to be married one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillafool Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 That is your MIL's problem, not yours. She is putting all those thoughts into her own head. Don't you love it when they try to make you feel guilty? I've stopped that and won't let ANYBODY make me feel bad for my choices. If I decide to have them, they'll be one of the first to know! And if I don't, well, tough s***, deal with it. My MIL to this day is still dropping hints about me not having kids and what she thinks of women like me. She even had the nerve to say she didn't blame Tom Cruise for leaving Nicole Kidman and going with Katie Holmes who gave him a baby. I explained to her stupid a$$ that Nicole has 2 adopted children and she says that's not the same. That she just didn't want to mess up her figure. Luckily I have an answering machine to pick up her calls and try not to ever talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Why is it if you feel this way people think you don't like children or are a selfish individual? for the same reason people think a man's a bum or loser if he does not work....its expected. I'm always so happy for anyone who is pregnant and happy. Why can't people accept the way I am too? just play the sympathy card....lie and tell them you can't have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 for the same reason people think a man's a bum or loser if he does not work....its expected. That's not the same alpha. Sorry, but that's too different situations. PEOPLE have to work to survive...Having kids is a choice, work isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 That's not the same alpha. Sorry, but that's too different situations. PEOPLE have to work to survive...Having kids is a choice, work isn't. bull-oney WWIU...they are both expected of people by society. Men are expected to hold down a job and make money and women are expected to get married and reproduce. Don't gimme your bulls*** Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 bull-oney WWIU...they are both expected of people by society. Men are expected to hold down a job and make money and women are expected to get married and reproduce. Don't gimme your bulls*** What is this like 1952? We know you're old Alpha but really, it's expected that PEOPLE can support themselves and hold down a job. Unless you want to live in a box in the woods and eat grass then you have to have a job and make money. You don't have to have kids to survive. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 bull-oney WWIU...they are both expected of people by society. Men are expected to hold down a job and make money and women are expected to get married and reproduce. Don't gimme your bulls*** You're old fashioned, man. Times are changing. Women have babies, then go to work while the man stays home to look after the little one's. They also can cook, clean and DO dishes! I see your point though. And hey! I don't give bulls***! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 You're old fashioned, man. Times are changing. times have not changed as much as you think... What is this like 1952? a million years of evolution and genetic develpment will not be changed in 54 short years KC.... Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 times have not changed as much as you think... a million years of evolution and genetic develpment will not be changed in 54 short years KC.... Can you back that up with some statistics? Usually you're pretty good at making those up to "prove" your point. Link to post Share on other sites
Chump64 Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Today, about 70 percent of married mothers are employed. Can't find stats on married mothers for 1952, but only 30 percent of women worked at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
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