Getting Seperated...totally lost

January 4, 2007

Bud, I'm so sorry the Holidays were such a bust in some ways, guess that goes with the season and where you are right now.

LJ really makes some very good points there, and I think that she and Gunny might be bang on. You know my story and in many ways they are so similar with yours ( aside from having a nutcase as a wife who is also totally irresponsible) your X does sound much more level headed bud. But she also sounds convinced regarding her actions.

Now that being said, I have learned from this, much to my discomfort that as LJ says sometimes when a woman makes her decision, she also doesn't often want the trouble/drama that goes with the decision and hopes it just simply fades away (almost never happens) and WE us guys, sometimes can't see the forest bewteen the sleeze (err trees)...

Maybe, bud, just maybe, you're reading what you want to read and not wanting to hear what is being said, that happens, hell I'm living proof of that one, we as the ones trying to "fix" things ignore the signs that it's over and go on wagging our tails and grasping at any little straw of hope ignoring the big picture.

If I'm sounding negative bud, I'm sorry I really am, you have not had the drama I have had to deal with, but you have made such major changes in yourself and your parenting skills you have so much to take with you knowing you did/tried your best.

Maybe it's time to slowly pull back and move on, not give up all hope but prepare yourself for the possibility that it's really over and that your marriage is not to be. I just hope you don't wait until such a time as you find out she is with another guy before you make that move, because IF/when it happens it's like a 2X4 across the face and hurts so much more.

So ILMY not to sound totally like a jerk, you know we all wish you the very best, man if anyone has worked at trying to resolve this , it's you but sometimes it's just not to be. Good luck pal, keep your mind on work ( when working) keep safe and I for one know you will make out just fine.

C.C.

January 5, 2007

Bud, I'm so sorry the Holidays were such a bust in some ways, guess that goes with the season and where you are right now.

LJ really makes some very good points there, and I think that she and Gunny might be bang on. You know my story and in many ways they are so similar with yours ( aside from having a nutcase as a wife who is also totally irresponsible) your X does sound much more level headed bud. But she also sounds convinced regarding her actions.

Now that being said, I have learned from this, much to my discomfort that as LJ says sometimes when a woman makes her decision, she also doesn't often want the trouble/drama that goes with the decision and hopes it just simply fades away (almost never happens) and WE us guys, sometimes can't see the forest bewteen the sleeze (err trees)...

Maybe, bud, just maybe, you're reading what you want to read and not wanting to hear what is being said, that happens, hell I'm living proof of that one, we as the ones trying to "fix" things ignore the signs that it's over and go on wagging our tails and grasping at any little straw of hope ignoring the big picture.

If I'm sounding negative bud, I'm sorry I really am, you have not had the drama I have had to deal with, but you have made such major changes in yourself and your parenting skills you have so much to take with you knowing you did/tried your best.

Maybe it's time to slowly pull back and move on, not give up all hope but prepare yourself for the possibility that it's really over and that your marriage is not to be. I just hope you don't wait until such a time as you find out she is with another guy before you make that move, because IF/when it happens it's like a 2X4 across the face and hurts so much more.

So ILMY not to sound totally like a jerk, you know we all wish you the very best, man if anyone has worked at trying to resolve this , it's you but sometimes it's just not to be. Good luck pal, keep your mind on work ( when working) keep safe and I for one know you will make out just fine.

C.C.

Thx CC..

I know what you are saying.. and what everyone else has been saying... Its kinda why I have always said "expect the worst.. hope for the best"...

If I did not live by this... I would probably lost it some time ago...

Pulling back is what I am going to do.... reading into things.. well... that I think just comes with the territory... but... screw this .. i'm not doing it anymore... Don't get me wrong.. I will still be nice.... that can't/won't change... still love the girl... but i can't do this anymore.. like the way it is/has played out...

DW is not the kind to play head games... but... the crossed messages I have been getting are... well the F*ucked with my head... I think I posted most of the conversations of "marked importance"

Things did seem quite positive for awhile... but... I was given an inch and took a mile...

I'll mention one last thing that makes no sence to me..(mixed message) then I will shut up about it...

I received 3 presents for xmas from the "boys":

A very nice sweater...

3 x white t-shirts (go nicely with the sweater.. and she always liked me in them)

1 x Novel.. of a movie she knew I wanted to see.. but never made it to see.

The question is... Why would she bother to be so thoughtful... if she is completly done with me... If someone could give me an answer to that... i would think I could start to move on faster.. but... IT DON'T MAKE SENCE"

If I was done with her... I know the presents would not have much thought put into them... the would be generic... ones (these would be presents from the kids of course) BTW.. when I picked up my little guy from her place... she was wearing the bath robe she got from them (me) .. she told me she loved it and it was so warm...(not reading into it... it was just a conversation which I kept short...

She called tonight ... I knew it was her so i let little guy answer the phone... i did not asked to speak with her.. so she asked my son to give me the phone... we talked about how s5 was behaving.. I let her know he had been great.. and we were having lots of fun.. Then it went into what time I thought I would have him back tommorow.. she said any time as she had no plans... (yes she was very friendly and sounded relaxed)

Just to let everyone know... I think the tone of my posts will changed in the near future... I do maintain some hope she may come around... the reality it will not happen... seems clearer... and I am preparing myself.... for the worse...

I'm also going to try and get myself even busier... thinking of taking up hockey again... and it looks like I'm gonna be learning to play golf in the spring... ... That should be interesting... Played once in my life... and got completly smashed... playing bumper cars in the carts... (every see the movie Navy Seals.... they all get smashed and act like idiots on the golf course) been there done that... (but just the once... )

Well CC... hope all is going great for you... and hopefully the other matter you discussed in your last PM will only be the minority and not the majority... stuff like that.. kinda is a problem in our field.. ...

Take care bud... and thanks for popping in once and awhile..

ilmw

January 5, 2007

About making sence, not one thing My DW has said have been consistant with her actions and vice versa......Your wife as well as mine do not want to hate us nor do they want to stop being freindly or kind, for the sake of the kids and Like J-margel said to ease their own minds........Do I whole heartedly Believe this? I'm starting too!! And at this point in our Stich if we don't start dredging forward and find some female friends as companions or maybe more we will de devistated if/when the DW's do move on.......But then we could be sunk that way too!!

Problem is what we say and tell our DW's does not hold true to our actions we are there just about whenever they want, because we don't want to upset them!! (we will think it will ruin our chances) When was the last Time your told your DW NO? I cannot think of a time myself, But I have noticed in my stich the past few weeks if she says or does something I don't like I'll give her additude too let her know I'm no doormat, so instead of me saying "sorry I didn't mean that" It is her!! They do want us to stand up for ourselves, I mean if we can't stand for ourselve's how could they believe we could stand up for them!!

My wife had me walking on eggshells for about a year before she moved out, once she has me were I was bending over backwards for her, She was no longer interested, I was being a pushover, and still am a little bit!!

My DW wanted me badly when I was constentlt telling her I didn't want to be married, I wasn't ready!! Once I decided I was ready and married her, Well the challenge was gone!! She wanted what she felt I wouldn't give her!!

Just because we are not bringing up R talk with our wives, our actions tell them we are waiting (we are persisting) You Persist They Resist (RIGHT??)!!

If it comes up again with My DW and she tell me she does not have the same feelings for me that she used to. I'll tell her "thats okay I'll find someone who will love me for Who You helped me become" and thank her fot the lesson!! I'll find myself and the I'll find a woman who I will trust around my Son!!

I know I talked about me alot in your thread, Just trying to give you my opinions based on my journey that you have helped me threw!!

THE MONKEY IN NOT ON OUR BACKS, LET THE DW'S HAVE EM!!!

January 5, 2007

Really, not much more to say, the truth at times does hurt and yes sometimes we need the pain.

Only thing I would want to add to this latest post is that as much as you say that you will find someone who will love you for who your DW made you to be, where is your responsibility?

Not looking to make an issue of this but you are who you are because of YOU not your X.

January 5, 2007

About making sence, not one thing My DW has said have been consistant with her actions and vice versa......Your wife as well as mine do not want to hate us nor do they want to stop being freindly or kind, for the sake of the kids and Like J-margel said to ease their own minds........Do I whole heartedly Believe this? I'm starting too!! And at this point in our Stich if we don't start dredging forward and find some female friends as companions or maybe more we will de devistated if/when the DW's do move on.......But then we could be sunk that way too!!

Problem is what we say and tell our DW's does not hold true to our actions we are there just about whenever they want, because we don't want to upset them!! (we will think it will ruin our chances) When was the last Time your told your DW NO? I cannot think of a time myself, But I have noticed in my stich the past few weeks if she says or does something I don't like I'll give her additude too let her know I'm no doormat, so instead of me saying "sorry I didn't mean that" It is her!! They do want us to stand up for ourselves, I mean if we can't stand for ourselve's how could they believe we could stand up for them!!

My wife had me walking on eggshells for about a year before she moved out, once she has me were I was bending over backwards for her, She was no longer interested, I was being a pushover, and still am a little bit!!
My DW wanted me badly when I was constentlt telling her I didn't want to be married, I wasn't ready!! Once I decided I was ready and married her, Well the challenge was gone!! She wanted what she felt I wouldn't give her!!

Just because we are not bringing up R talk with our wives, our actions tell them we are waiting (we are persisting) You Persist They Resist (RIGHT??)!!

If it comes up again with My DW and she tell me she does not have the same feelings for me that she used to. I'll tell her "thats okay I'll find someone who will love me for Who You helped me become" and thank her fot the lesson!! I'll find myself and the I'll find a woman who I will trust around my Son!!

I know I talked about me alot in your thread, Just trying to give you my opinions based on my journey that you have helped me threw!!

THE MONKEY IN NOT ON OUR BACKS, LET THE DW'S HAVE EM!!!

Chad..very good post:)

I agree with u 100%.. pulling back.. and being a (mystery) got them in the first place... it might get them.. 2 think twice in their actions... but that is a big (might)!

You also raised a lot of things that have gone through my mind.. the dating/making friends with other woman..topic for one... I have never look at another woman in that way for the past 8 years... and the idea of (dating) still feels like cheating:confused: ????

I still have to get my head around things like that... while continuing to expand my horizons...

Had the little guy for the past 2 days... took him back at lunch time... I was all dressed up like I was going out... I got him home.. and as usual DW was very nice... and we joked around a little with s5.. he said I was his king... DW was his queen.. and he was the prince.. I was a frog and the queen should kiss the king so he would not be a frog anymore.. DW had a good laugh at this as did I..

I was cool.. and friendly... but kept it short.. and left not long after... I'm pulling back..

I will maintain this stance.. and continue to do things for myself... to grow... and get through this...time..

BTW... I had another awsome time with s5.. He realy has helped me.. keep it together... the love he shows me.. and the joy he brings... is a god send...

Stay strong brother.. and we will all get through this.. together..

ilmw

January 5, 2007

Really, not much more to say, the truth at times does hurt and yes sometimes we need the pain.

Only thing I would want to add to this latest post is that as much as you say that you will find someone who will love you for who your DW made you to be, where is your responsibility?

Not looking to make an issue of this but you are who you are because of YOU not your X.

I am, who I was!

but am better Now because!!

January 5, 2007

Chad..very good post:)

You also raised a lot of things that have gone through my mind.. the dating/making friends with other woman..topic for one... I have never look at another woman in that way for the past 8 years... and the idea of (dating) still feels like cheating:confused: ????

Stay strong brother.. and we will all get through this.. together..
ilmw

In her words "I do have guy friends" At this point it is not cheating to have a female friend for yourself, if it turns to more so be it!!

But I do have the same feeling your talking about

January 5, 2007

You also raised a lot of things that have gone through my mind.. the dating/making friends with other woman..topic for one... I have never look at another woman in that way for the past 8 years... and the idea of (dating) still feels like cheating:confused: ????

ilmw, I'm so sorry to hear what happened over the holidays. There are so many possible reasons for her actions, and all of them might give you false hope or give you no hope at all. You really dont know what's going on through her head, so dont try to make sense of it.

I strongly discourage you from dating right now. You are not ready, and the fact that it still feels like "cheating" confirms it. Dont date!

However, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with making new friends. For me, making new friends helped tremendously. It gave me some new found confidence. New, preferably single, friends will help you realize that people enjoy YOUR company. They dont know you as the husband of so and so. They're getting to know ONLY you, the new single you and that gave me a lot of confidence that people liked me. Meet as many new people as you can. The more people you meet, the more you are exposed to a variety of people with different perspectives on life, and for me, at this point in my life, is absolutely refreshing. I was with my ex for 11 years. After 11 years, you start to get stuck in certain opinions. Some of those opinions are things I got from my ex that I never 100% agreed with. Meeting new people allowed me to explore those opinions and helped me realize that maybe my ex wasnt always right, and in some other areas, maybe he was.

Embrace the people around you and start building a new life. Learn to live as a happy single person. Remember, your exw is just someone who entered into your life. You were ok before she came, you will be ok after. Focus on your own life. Once you have the rest of your life back in order, to the days you use to be before you even met your exw, a happy single person, then you can focus on dating. To have a successful relationship, you need to be a well-round person. Start working on things you can offer for any future relationship, irregardless of who it will be with. And let the dating work itself out. But do get out there and meet people just for the pleasure of meeting new people.

January 5, 2007

In her words "I do have guy friends" At this point it is not cheating to have a female friend for yourself, if it turns to more so be it!!

But I do have the same feeling your talking about

True...and good point

January 5, 2007

ilmw, I'm so sorry to hear what happened over the holidays. There are so many possible reasons for her actions, and all of them might give you false hope or give you no hope at all. You really dont know what's going on through her head, so dont try to make sense of it.

I strongly discourage you from dating right now. You are not ready, and the fact that it still feels like "cheating" confirms it. Dont date!

However, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with making new friends. For me, making new friends helped tremendously. It gave me some new found confidence. New, preferably single, friends will help you realize that people enjoy YOUR company. They dont know you as the husband of so and so. They're getting to know ONLY you, the new single you and that gave me a lot of confidence that people liked me. Meet as many new people as you can. The more people you meet, the more you are exposed to a variety of people with different perspectives on life, and for me, at this point in my life, is absolutely refreshing. I was with my ex for 11 years. After 11 years, you start to get stuck in certain opinions. Some of those opinions are things I got from my ex that I never 100% agreed with. Meeting new people allowed me to explore those opinions and helped me realize that maybe my ex wasnt always right, and in some other areas, maybe he was.

Embrace the people around you and start building a new life. Learn to live as a happy single person. Remember, your exw is just someone who entered into your life. You were ok before she came, you will be ok after. Focus on your own life. Once you have the rest of your life back in order, to the days you use to be before you even met your exw, a happy single person, then you can focus on dating. To have a successful relationship, you need to be a well-round person. Start working on things you can offer for any future relationship, irregardless of who it will be with. And let the dating work itself out. But do get out there and meet people just for the pleasure of meeting new people.

Hi there giirl... hope you had a great xmas/NYE

Thx for the post.

Thank you for your comments they are appreciated..too.

You are so right.. I do not know what is going on in her head.. and sometimes I think the same for her...

But.. the reading into things has to stop...

Also.. dating is out of the question.... and you are right... Im no way near ready for this... even though several people have tried to set me up...

Once again dgiirl... I thank you for your kind words..

ilmw

January 5, 2007

with Dgirl, ILMW, you're not anywhere hear ready to try the dating scene, I did try it ( WAS too early and messed myself up because of it) and took a good 4-6 month breather. I'm ready to date now, no doubt about it but also I know that I still have baggage that I need to get rid of before I contemplate a real serious relationship.

For now it's just going out, having dinner, and maybe take in a movie or some pool, nothing that you would think of as being overly romantic.

I forgot to add in my post to you earlier ILMW, but I saw my councellor this past week and he told me not to come no more, he said that I've shown that I'm no longer moving on, but that I HAVE MOVED ON, and now is just the adjustment to learning the skills at dating lost over those 23 years, and maybe a few now tricks to make up for not being as eager to jump in the sack as I was in my 20's.........

This past Christmas when I listened to my X rant about certain things, then her accusing me of things that were definitely true and MY TELLING HER TO LEAVE knowing full well she had a 3 hour drive at 1:00 in the morning and not caring showed me that I have indeed moved on since I would have been usually worried that if I did that I might lose her for good, but now I don't care since SHE HAS LOST ME FOR GOOD.

D, I sure hopw you had a wonderful Christmas and hey tell us what's been happening to you, haven't heard in a long time from you.

CC

January 5, 2007

Hey you two I had a fantastic holiday. Thanks for asking

This was probably the very first Christmas at my parents where I had a good time. There was absolutely no stress this year which was awesome

New years was also good. Spent the evening with friends. I took two weeks off work which zoomed so quickly and I definitely do not look forward to going back next week.

But all in all, it was a good holiday.

January 6, 2007

Hey you two I had a fantastic holiday. Thanks for asking

This was probably the very first Christmas at my parents where I had a good time. There was absolutely no stress this year which was awesome

New years was also good. Spent the evening with friends. I took two weeks off work which zoomed so quickly and I definitely do not look forward to going back next week.

But all in all, it was a good holiday.

Thats great... glad to hear it.. Bet you took lots of pics

January 6, 2007

Going to a party tonight.. apparently a mixed crowd...

Time to let my hair down... (oh yeah just got it cut short again) ...

Gonna have a few... and have a good time with some friends and some strangers....

This can be my belated NYE party..

January 7, 2007

Going to a party tonight.. apparently a mixed crowd...

Time to let my hair down... (oh yeah just got it cut short again) ...

Gonna have a few... and have a good time with some friends and some strangers....

This can be my belated NYE party..

Have a Great Time Tonight!! You deserve it!!!

January 7, 2007

Have a Great Time Tonight!! You deserve it!!!

Thx Chad

The party was ok.. Not many people actually showed... and it turned out to be pretty lame... but oh well... It got me out of the house..

I did have some laughts though... and that is what it is all about.

January 9, 2007

Hi all,

Well I finally took the xmas tree down... It made my apartment look so empty... so.. I pulled my finger out:laugh: and put up some of my pictures. The place actually looks more like a home compared to what it did.

Before.. I could not bring myself to put them up.. I guess it was because i so badly did not want to be here.. and wanted to be with my family. So I guess this is a form of truly coming to terms with... what is happing.

I saw DW yesterday wile at work... She was in court... and has to travel through one of the little towns I patrol... I was on the side of the road talking to some one asking for directions. She pulled up when I was done... and we had a chat about taking s5 for a couple of days... She was all smiles... and very friendly... but she had a funny look in her eyes.. can't peg that one... and not going to worry about it... it was just (nice to see her,,, and a nice surprise) I was very casual... and we had a couple of laughs...

I then went on about my business...

I'm looking forward to getting s5 for a few days... as DW has to go out of town for work...

Also... today... something dawned on me.... Something I knew... but still to this day..well yesterday... could not truely get my head around...

Time to do more for me.... time to get a little selfish... and spoil myself.. just a little... (never been good at that)

Just gotta keep my head screwed on right... not do anything stupid.. and have more fun... cause I like smiling... it is so much better than a frown..

Hope you all have a great day...

ilmw

January 10, 2007

Also... today... something dawned on me.... Something I knew... but still to this day..well yesterday... could not truely get my head around...

Time to do more for me.... time to get a little selfish... and spoil myself.. just a little... (never been good at that)

Hey ilmw,

Its good to hear you in such high spirits!

Laugh and enjoy it all. There's no harm in it.

As for the selfish bit. No its not selfish what you may think. There is a defining line in that. Selfish, everyone knows and has experienced in their life.

Doing something for yourself is self-care. Keeping you happy and sane is nothing but self-care !

Now dont get me wrong, if you go out and buy a ferrai, start loading up on the bling, etc etc .... well there's the line.

You know it in yourself, dont put the label on it. Just enjoy it for what it is.

You know whats right in your heart.

Take care champ

Do3

January 10, 2007

You mentioned something more important than most others!

Time to do more for me.... time to get a little selfish... and spoil myself.. just a little... (never been good at that)

Well start working at it buddy, I know you treasure the times you have with your boys, I do too, but BUD to move on you have to move on.... They are your guys and you are taking the responsibility of fatherhood to the highest level but what about YOU? Glad you recognize you have to think of yourself a bit now too.

In the moving on part, my X has kept all kinds of her stuff/junk/nick-knacks/hobbies whatever at the house, I have constant reminders of her and of our failure.. This week I asked, then demanded that she come and take them away as I don't need those reminders, and for you to put up those pictures is a good step forward in your accepting things and moving on.

Hey lookit me, giving advice, well it took a while ILMW but I have started the final moving on portion of this story, and you will too, and if DW decided that she wants things back, well you will be in a stronger position to decide IF you really want it after you have let go.

CC

January 10, 2007

Hey lookit me, giving advice, well it took a while ILMW but I have started the final moving on portion of this story, and you will too, and if DW decided that she wants things back, well you will be in a stronger position to decide IF you really want it after you have let go.

CC

CC this is so true, THANKS!!! it doesn't just apply to ilmw but all of us.

Ilmw, I think it's awesome that you want to do something for yourself and sometimes it doesn't have to cost anything.

You have worked very hard to better yourself and you do deserve to spoil yourself.

January 10, 2007

ilmw, CC, Perry,.......................me?

We all have to daily remind ourselves, that happines is a choice, and is not dependent upon any other one person.

"Most people are about as happy, as they make their minds up to be!"

Abe Lincoln

January 10, 2007

ilmw, CC, Perry,.......................me?

We all have to daily remind ourselves, that happines is a choice, and is not dependent upon any other one person.

Oh hell guys... I'm first! This is one thing I keep reminding myself over and over and over again.

CC, i'm glad to see you are doing so well. Especially with the good grades from the therapist! Keep on moving!

January 10, 2007

Hi Do3, CC, PW, Gunns and Dgiirl.. any anyone I did not mention..

Thanks for all the kind words... It is realy a like a shot of vitamin C

Doing ok ... thoughts are staying strainght.... the lows are getting higher... the dread is getting slighter... (the mind is starting to control the heart)

A lot of the things I have said in the past i am starting to realy get my head around... I guess reality is coming crashing down on top of me... but because I guess I have been preparing for the worst... I am managing to side step allot of the fallout...

Things between DW and I are friendly... no issue there... if for anything it is for the boys..

Still don't know if there is anyone else... but I know it is possible... on the other hand... she is so busy between work.. and the boys.... I can't see how any guy would put up with it... plus her having a gun carrying estranged husband( ...kidding!)

I getting to the point of shrugging my shoulders and saying F*ck it... I'm tired of feeling lonely... tired of (0) effection..(well I do get it from s5) which is a god send.. but you know what I mean..

Do I still love my Dw... yes without question... do I won't marriage to work... yes more than anything... but I am realy starting to open my eyes to the fact it does not look very good..

Do I have hope.... yes... but it is fading... My problem is... I do not give up easily... so this hope may drag on for along time...

I look at it this way.... I married her because she was speacial to me... I have been with many women... had lots of girlfriends... been engaged twcie before (I was much younger...stupid and lucky at the same time)

Please don't get me wrong... I will move on ...when... It is obvious.. I can not do this anymore... but will i stop loving her??.... I doubt it.. she was to good to me for so long... it is just know... (cut off from that ) Serious withdrawl symtems...

Keeping busy is the name of the game.. getting out and doing things... gotta keep it up to keep up the sanity...

Change of subject... I was working last night... It snowed so heavily... we went back to the station... and sat there... White outs everywhere... and it was safer to sit in the station.. than drive of the road... at some points... there was no road... .. (LOTS OF SNOW)

Well I gotta jet... have to get little guy from school... have him with me for the next couple of days...

See yah later..

ilmw

January 10, 2007