Getting Seperated...totally lost

[Gunny376]

I'm being a good Gunny today!!

 

Aren't you proud of me?

[ilmw]

Hi,

 

Thankyou for your thoughts...

I wish it were as easy as that.. just reaching out and touching her... softly..

 

Afraid of rejection...it is more than that.... any time I show her anything to do with our relationship... she becomes uptight and distant... my Dw is not ready or has not been ready... for any kind of reconcilation... She has made up her mind and will do what she wants... I have finally comes to terms with this... (I don't want her running for the hills.. because she is being pressured by me)

 

I have read enough about this and listened to the folks on her long enough to have an idea what my DW is experiencing... she is a classic cass of "walk away wife" she even used the classic line of "I love you, but am not in love with you"...

 

I would love to hold her in my arms and tell her I love you as I look into her eyes... but I know at this moment in time... that would have the opposite effect than what my heart tells me.. my brain has taken over...

 

I will always love her... and will not give up on (us) until it is obvious that it is wasting my life...

 

As for telling her how I feel... been there done that.. she knows... I have told her enoug times...all it did was upset her..and made her distant. She is going through something right now.. and I guess I will have to let it take its course...

 

My Dw knows I am there to help if she needs it.. I only just told her this last night.. she said thankyou in a quiet voice.. Is she coming around... I don't know.. but she does seem different than she has been in the past few months... Only time will tell.

 

I too am an animal lover.. when I had to destroy my first deer..(hit by a truck) I actually cried on the side of the road... My Sgt bought my a coffee and told me how it had to be done... I have a diploma in Wildlife & Forestry Management.. I know about wildlife....sheessh

 

It is sad that your husband is like this about your loves... I personally am not that fond of hourses..( I once was in the Household Cavalry) the horses were treated better than we were... so I have a reason.. but I can't see how anyone who says they love you would be so against your passion... that I am sad for you... I know if my DW wanted a horse.. I would figure away on how it could be done...but that never was the case...pheeew.. cause they

are expensive..

 

Once again thankyou for giving me your thoughts

*******************************************

 

Gunny....you being good....

 

ilmw

[ilmw]

Well last night I came home from work...

 

Found the book shelves in the front room empty and all the stuff in boxes in the dinning room.. Would not normally be a big deal... but I felt gutted... My mood was so low.. it was.. felt well not normal.. I have managed to keep a positive attitude for a while now.. but this was/is killing me.. I spoke with my DW a short while later.. She called to see if I got home ok..

 

I am feeling very conflicted.. she is packing our lives away..seperatly.. but she calls to see if I got home ok?

 

Now I know.. I should not read into anything.. and I am not.. just venting... cause.. I need to at this point in time... jezz... I woke up early.. could not sleep.. this is realy bugging me... I need to shake this off...

 

Better go.. have wake the little guy up and get him ready for day care..

 

Thx..

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Her moving all at once ~ or a little bit at a time, day by day.

 

It wouldn't be any easier if you were to go on your road trip, and she did "it" while you away, and came back.

 

Your going to have to "shore yourself up" for the day when you come "home" and have one of those George Jones moments, (I sincerley hope your not listening to his music! )

 

I would really recommend you keep a journal. I went back through some of mine this morning ~ mind you they go back sixteen years ~ it'll make you laugh at some of the things you thought were important, you'll be amazed looking back at just where you head was. You'll set stunned at some of the things you were thinking?? I look back at some of the things that I wrote, and I'm very much like WTF was I thinking? Its a very good way to vent your emotions.

 

Of course its very personal and you don't want anyone reading it until your dead and gone ~ perhaps not even then.

 

When I was going through it, I wished I had one of those Star Trek computers to talk to, LOL. "Computer, Play Geoge Jones Greatest Hits, materialize a fifth of anything, and open my personal log: Stardate:________________________" LOL!

[ilmw]

 

When I was going through it, I wished I had one of those Star Trek computers to talk to, LOL. "Computer, Play Geoge Jones Greatest Hits, materialize a fifth of anything, and open my personal log: Stardate:________________________" LOL!

 

HAhah..good one guns... Yeah that would be nice...

 

Thanks for the advise on the journal... others have mentioned it on LS too... Im using my post for now.. when I go on my road trip.. I'm, actually going to write in a hard covered kind (Log book).. No computer or WWW in the Echo:laugh:

 

Take the guitar I have not got yet... and play it when I don't know how... hows t that for a plan.. on those lonely nights on the road.. I'll pluck away at the strings.. and hope I don't drive myself nuts:laugh:... I'll get one of those lesson books.. guitars for dummies....hahahahahah:laugh:

 

Today is a strong day....

 

Goals...for myself

A. Get and learn to play guitar

B. Go sky diving

C. Go on road trip to west coast of USA.

 

Done pretty much everything else I ever wanted to do and more...already.. did more before I turned 18 than most people get to do all there lives...

 

BTW...found out today..after the next 2 afternoon shifts.. I don't have to see my office till October 5th... how is that for getting away;) Nice...it all fell into place.. my summer vaction backing onto a 2 week course...then taking a bunch of owed time....(road trip)

 

I should come back in October.. refreshed...but smelly and with a Forrest Gump Beard...

 

Take care

ilmw

[CryingCanuck]

Glad to hear you're taking the bull by the horns and getting away, I've got 11weeks of built up vacation time and only using one week to get away from this crap. Going to get some golf in on PEI.

 

Read you post about the firearm issue and yeah us Customs guys really frown upon someone coming in with one....

 

Last year it was so sad but hillarious, a cop from the other side was asked if he was carrying ( we give them special treatment in that we allow them to store them here and they can pick it up on the way out) decides to not declare it hides it under his seat. He gets sent to secondary for inspection, the dummy reaches under the seat and tries to hide it in his pants, and blew a whole right next to where the jewels are, took a big chunk of skin off his thigh but kept the rest intact..That's his only lucky break, he got fired by his local force since he was charged with a federal offence on our side and was an embarassment to his local force....Then his wife finds out he was coming into Canada with a female (obviously not her).. and leaves him.

 

You sure are taking this stuff well in so many ways, I wish I had your patience bud.....

 

Hey Gun........... I've been reading a lot of your posts recently and for a (redneck) which you;re not ........... you're mellowing ........

 

CC

[Gunny376]

Glad to here from you CC. Hope your doing well.

 

I work in a lab, and people come in for tours, and they whooo and ahhh at all the equipment and the millions of dollars worth of anayltical equipment in a small rural Alabama town. We tell them we're "High-tech Rednecks!" LOL!

[ilmw]

Glad to hear you're taking the bull by the horns and getting away, I've got 11weeks of built up vacation time and only using one week to get away from this crap. Going to get some golf in on PEI.

 

Read you post about the firearm issue and yeah us Customs guys really frown upon someone coming in with one....

 

Last year it was so sad but hillarious, a cop from the other side was asked if he was carrying ( we give them special treatment in that we allow them to store them here and they can pick it up on the way out) decides to not declare it hides it under his seat. He gets sent to secondary for inspection, the dummy reaches under the seat and tries to hide it in his pants, and blew a whole right next to where the jewels are, took a big chunk of skin off his thigh but kept the rest intact..That's his only lucky break, he got fired by his local force since he was charged with a federal offence on our side and was an embarassment to his local force....Then his wife finds out he was coming into Canada with a female (obviously not her).. and leaves him.

 

You sure are taking this stuff well in so many ways, I wish I had your patience bud.....

 

Hey Gun........... I've been reading a lot of your posts recently and for a (redneck) which you;re not ........... you're mellowing ........

 

CC

 

Hhahaha:laugh:

 

CC...thought you might be customs.. Fed on the Border..

 

Good story about the gun.. hahahah... Some people should do a little research about other countries when they visit.. hahha

 

I once had dealings with a guy from the US Navy... he was up hear hanging out.. picks up some local "chick" gets a little stoned and intoxicated is found at a "Golden Arches" a sleep in the toilet.. One of our guys checked his vehcile for veh documents... to find out who owned the vehicle.. he finds a loaded hand gun. Oooops!

 

Needles to say that fella got in twuble... spent the night with us... and was then transported to the border by immigration.. to be picked up by is station XO... hmmmm. His ship was sunk I think:p

 

Thanks for the comment about my patience... I feel I have no choice but to be this way... I don't intent to just lie over and die like so may others do... hence the 50% divorce rate. Thank heaven I found LS.. or I would probably be in shi$ state right now... already moved out and heading for sure for the Big D. Not saying that is not going to happen... but hay.. the way things are going.. my DW might reconsider her position. Who knows.. not worrying about it so much anymore... Just thinking about me and the boys... (I still think about her.. but you know what I mean)

 

Heading to PEI... that should be nice... to get away from all the reminders..of what your life has become... Thats why I am doing the trip to the South... totally different surrondings.. maybe get a little more insight into who I have become, where I am going.. and where I have been...

Geezz.. I'm getting deep theses days...

 

What else have you been up to to GAL.. any new hobbies?? How are you doing at home... any changes or same old same old...

 

Golf...thats something I want to start.. only been once.. It was kinda like that scene from the movie (Navy Seals).. where they are getting drunk out on the course... doing stupit stunts in the carts... I managed to show up this airline pilot..by doings a couple of 360's... um.. thats 720' hahahahah "If I was good a math I would be a Doctor" ... Anyway...it was a good laugh and I would like to do it again.. I mean play golf... I can take or leave the drinking...

 

Oh... one last thing... although we share the same pain of loss.. are situations are different.. I feel for you bud and don't envy what you have and are going through... makes my thread ...look easy.. just my take.

 

Take care and keep in touch

 

PS... I might be heading through Windsor on the 16 Sept.. you working.. if so.. can you speed me through........

 

Take care....

ilmw

[CryingCanuck]

Yeah I'm doing what you thought, but not as an inspector, those days of "anything to declare" are way past me, most of my work consists of travelling out of the country mostly US, and preparing paperwork for the Crown office and Sol Gen and playing with CPICS.

 

Are you with a local service or our guys wearing the brown funny hats on Ontario's roads and villages?

 

As far as taking up hobbies goes, not many, still in healing mode right now but in September will be bowling in a league, just to get out on Friday nights.

 

Hey Guns, scheech I make a redneck comment one time and you won't let me off the hook, sure glad I didn't insult the crops eh?

 

You guys take care, I'm on the island now and if th erain stops maybe I'll get to chase some balls around their beautiful courses

 

TTYL when I get back

[ilmw]

Im municipal... was Toronto..

Thought it would be quieter in a smaller community.. was I wrong... we have to do everything ourselves.. less resources.. but you learn every aspect of the job.. from standard duties.. Traffic to Bail Hearings.. and warrants.. You are.. it seems at times a stand alone service or a Force of One.. it has its good points and then again some negative ones:p

 

Sounds like you have an interesting gig.. Shame you are not sitting at the fence..(I guess I will have to declare my stuff now)

 

Its nice any sunny in Ontario.. you should have headed to Niagra area.. lots of golf there;)

 

Take care..

ilmw

[Becoming]

Just got back from some R&R. Highly recommend.

 

You're handling things well, ilmw, though I know it must hurt like crazy. Agree about home decorating mode. That'll end. In the meantime, do what you need to do to get through her moving her things out--that's a rough one.

I think she's being nice to you out of genuine care and guilt that she's hurting you.

 

My experience of rest stops is that they are safe for the most part. I travel alone as a woman and am too vigilant to sleep in my car at one. I am leery of them late at night when not too many folks are around, but that's true of every place when I'm traveling alone.

 

It's really good to get away from it all to reflect upon who you are, what your life is, and what you want it to be from here on out.

 

All the best!

[ilmw]

Nice to hear from you again:)

 

Yeah you are right.. the packing thing is realy rough. Today my DW was packing up more stuff for the move. I came into the kitchen and asked if I could help. She asked if I could start the living room.. so I did. Being strong infront of her is becoming easier. It is kinda like astral projection:rolleyes: I see myself doing things as if everything is OK (outward appearance) I see myself doing it...but inside it is killing me.

 

We had a talk in the garage and she mentioned her oldest friend is having a real rough time with her ex.. he is screwing her finacially and she may have to go bankrupt. My DW then send quietly that she was glad we were not going through this. (That I am not trying to screw her over) It could so easily be done. I guess I am just being a big boy and walking with grace.

 

For the past little while I hav been laying out my DW's bed cloths and pulling back the sheets to her side of the bed so when she comes off night shift she can just slid into bed without worrying about doing it... She asked me today if I would stop doing it... as I never did before. I said to her that I did'nt do alot of things before but... if she wanted me to not do it.. that I would stop.

 

We then had a convrsation about transferring utilities etc etc... I am still able to joke with her and we had a couple of chuckles...

 

It drives me crazy when we have converstations like this as it is like old(good)times.. we always spoke to each other so easily... Oh well..

 

Looks like moving in with my buddy from work is a bust.. his tenant is not moving..now.. But he gave me a lead that anothe fella from work might be renting his basement out... Need to call him a set something up.. as the move date is creeping ever so closer.. Its like being in school.. when ever you wanted to the day to end.. it lasted forever.. but when there was a test coming up.. it raced towards you like there was no tommorow!

 

Well thats enough for today.. On vaction now and don't go back to the office until October. Nice long break from that.. get my head in gear and re-boot.

 

Thanks for the further insight on the home decoration thing.. gives a possible glimmer of hope.. but not expecting anything. We will be parting on good terms.. and have not fought over anything.. seems to be the friendliest seperation ever?? I am not burning any bridges.. but on the same note.. I am not being walked all over.. which I would not let happen. Keeping my self respect is paramount! And I have done so...

 

Thx again

ilmw

[Becoming]

Why not find a place you'd really like instead of just taking something?

 

Maybe this is a girl-thing, but making a home is really symbolic and helpful for healing. It says to yourself that you are caring enough about you to find what's good for you and how you want to live. Of course, if that's a buddy's friend's basement . . .

 

My sister did well with the whole divorce moving (x2) until it came time to split the Christmas decorations. Beware of the strange little things that are triggers, as Gunny aptly says.

 

Astral projection is also apt. So sorry for this pain. It's all just so sad because it really seems like it doesn't have to be this way. But she won't let it be otherwise.

 

You, however, seem like a real gem in all this. Keep on shining.

[ilmw]

Why not find a place you'd really like instead of just taking something?

 

Maybe this is a girl-thing, but making a home is really symbolic and helpful for healing. It says to yourself that you are caring enough about you to find what's good for you and how you want to live. Of course, if that's a buddy's friend's basement . . .

 

My sister did well with the whole divorce moving (x2) until it came time to split the Christmas decorations. Beware of the strange little things that are triggers, as Gunny aptly says.

 

Astral projection is also apt. So sorry for this pain. It's all just so sad because it really seems like it doesn't have to be this way. But she won't let it be otherwise.

 

You, however, seem like a real gem in all this. Keep on shining.

 

Thanks Becoming...you made me smile...

 

I have learned to be patient............very patient.

 

She is worth waiting for... to see if she will come around.. but I will not be sitting by the phone or hiding in the dark... blubbering with a half empty bottle of what ever I have in stock... I will get on with what ever my life has in store for me... and it is going to be great.. what ever she decides to do... I will be great.

 

I was a husband and a father... now I am or very soon to be a part time DAD... but my part will be 100% more. I have learned so much over these past several months.. and I am not going to let life slip past me anymore.. and this is what I am going to show my boys... WE are going to live our lives (when together) to the fullest! I want them to see me as a role model... and not some broken down... or serial relationship... arse (like my father) Oooohhh...do I have a father issue??! No not realy.. he is just the 180 of me... and a frame of reference of who not to be. At least he gave me that:p

 

I just got finished packing all my spare cloths.. I think I am done for now... It is exhausting keeping a light hearted exterior... when you are crying inside.... Sometimes I actually look forward to the move.. just so I don't live in limbo.. and my life can start its new chapter

 

bye for now

ilmw

[ilmw]

Well last night.. after supper my DW and I sat our 5yr old down and told him that daddy would not be moving with them in the new house. It had to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.. We made sure that we both told him we loved him.. and that he would see daddy as much as possible.. we ensured he knew we both loved him.. we did as softly as possible.. The look on his little face was almost more than I could bare. I had to look away several times.. when my DW spoke to him.. It was a team effort and I realy did appreciate how my DW handled herself. Seeing my son cry is one of the worst things in my world. He does not fully understand what is going on and that was to be expected.. it will sink in slowly. After I read him his bedtime story and kissed him goodnight.. he said .. daddy I want you to move with us.. I told him that I did to..

 

This morning I came across a (today) sent email from my DW to and old girlfriend of hers. In it she talked about how she was scared that the boys were going to hate her and that she was excited about the move but was trying to hide it because she did not want to hurt me.. She further said that "I" thought she had a lover on the side. She stated she did not and did not want anyone.. or have anyone share her bed. She needed to be on her own... there was more but.. I can't be bothered to repeat it. The tone of the email was bitter sweet... she was exited about the move.. but sad and afraid of what is happing. I did get a flicker of hope regarding the no lover thing... if only a tiny one. Atleast it seems she is going to reflect on her life... and hopefully see that we did not have it all that bad... No abuse, or alcohol problems.. no real dangerous problems.. just two people who did realy love each other.. but because of ignorance... let life get in the way. When it was great it was great.. when it wasn't it was still great.

 

Oh well... time will tell. The pressure is off.. The fact of telling my little guy has been playing on my mind for along time... kinda making it hard to be happy.. Did my best.. but my DW knows me too well.. and can read me like a book.. Now I can be all positive.. the cat is out of the bag.. so I can finally be myself... Wow.. it sucks.. but it is a relief. Gonna be there for both boys now.. going to be the best dad I can be... Maybe one day.. my DW will let me be the best husband I can be.... But I know if that is ever to be... it is far down the road. Gives me time to become the person I want to be... and surprise her even more...

 

Take care all...

PS.. if you have kids... take care of your marriage Now! because... telling your kids is heart breaking.

[ilmw]

I'm heading out of town for a few days with the boys..

 

Going to brothers.... for few days.

 

Nice change of scenary....

ilmw

[Becoming]

Godspeed, ilmw.

 

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry. It seems like life is one eternal salvage project, trying to make art of broken pieces. For what it's worth, you're quite the artist.

 

Enjoy the weekend!

[Gunny376]

is always recommended for the battle weary.

 

Have a great weekend.

[dgiirl]

Have a safe trip!! And try to have some fun

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

Had a great weekend and my Bro's. Swimming and playing with the boys.. they got spoiled by bro and wife.

 

Needed that...

 

Now back for packing and moving:(

gonna be busy for the next few days...

take care

ilmw

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

Well I am now officially seperated from my DW.

 

The past few days I was resodding my backyard for the closing of the house. My father in law came up with some landscaping tools/machinery and I was busy rotavating the old grass. Then humping it out of the backyard to the front. On top of that I helped pack up DW moving truck and drive it to her new house. Once there I helped her move in.

 

I thought I was going to be out of the house Thursday night.. but ended up sleeping on my dW's bed with the boys.

 

Around lunchtime Friday I noticed my DW sweeping the floor just in side the front door of are house. Her face was very sad.. I know enough to know she was close to tears..

 

A little while later she came up to tell me she was going off to get some burgers for the kids and some coffees for the adults.... She then halfway through saying this put her arms around me and held me.... I hugged her back and kissed her forhead.. and softly told her I loved her... she still held me for a few more seconds.. She then went off to get the grubb.

 

After the move and dropping of the moving truck... I ended back at her house.. I was invited to have some pizza she had ordered. I was invited to have a shower too, as I was covered almost head to toe with mud and dirt...

 

Once I finished some pizza... I said goodbye to everyone... My mother in law hugged me and thanked me for helping move her daughter.. she told me she loved me and not to forget where she lived. I said I wouldn't. My little guy was really over tired.. and also mad at me for not taking him with me to drop off the moving truck.... He realy likes big machines... When I went to say goodbye... he said he did not want to and that he did not like me or love me... when I kissed his forhead... he wiped it away and said.. I am wiping it away... I am not ever coming to your place... ( he has been acting like no off this is going on.. always saying "when we move to the new house"... he proved at that point that he had been gettin it all along)

 

My DW had through out the day been thanking me for helping her move... She kept saying I know you don't have to help, but thank you... When I left she came to the front door and gave me another hug.. I then left.. with the intention to go to me new diggs. I check my cell phone and found I had missed a call from my brother... He had called to see how i was.. I called him and he then invited me down to his place... It was after 10pm.. but he said he would be up awile... so I drove the almost 2 hrs to his place...just I would not be alone....

 

Being alone is what I think is realy scarring me right now... I have never live alone.... I was in the Army at age 16... lived with other guys for over 7 years.. got out of the Army and lived with a woman for 6 yrs.. then lived with my brother until my DW and I hooked up 8 yrs ago... I have always had someone around... Now there is no one.... Having had such a busy home (DW, 2 boys, 2 dogs and 3 cats... to nothing.... it realy bothers me.

 

The one emotion I fell right now is..... sadness... I am not angry or pissed off.. and alot of people would be or are... I just feel the deepest sadness I have ever felt... It is not dispear... or depression... Just a simple feeling of loss...

 

Now is the time for me to trully test my character.... The past 5 months have not broken me living with my family still.. Now am not with them... I shall see if I have realy learned from my own experiences....

 

Have to reinvent myself... learn to be me again.... with no one around.. to see... So infact it will be truly for me and no subconscious attempt to get my DW to notice changes...

 

I have managed not to burn my bridges with my DW... at the same time mantaining my dignity... I do feel pround of myself for the way I have handled this... and how I kept it together to ensure my DW and boys were safely into their new home....(patting myself on the back)

 

Now I shall see... if this separation will be forever or just the time my DW needs to sort out how she is feeling.... Who knows? Patience is all I will have... and I have become just that... patient.

 

Well I guess that is enough.. I know if to much is posted... it gets realy tought to read.... so..

 

Take care all....

if you are new... welcome to the (club).. if your have been here for awhile... "later":)

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Embrassing that which you fear, makes you stronger.

 

Less is more.

 

You see the lesson is not just about others, but about yourself. You have found the enemy and it is yourself.

 

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." -- Siddhartha Buddha Roo on the "I Don't Thread"

 

The demon lies within you.

 

You have learned much ~ but there is still much to learn.

[scrybe74]

Hi all,

 

Well I am now officially seperated from my DW.

 

The past few days I was resodding my backyard for the closing of the house. My father in law came up with some landscaping tools/machinery and I was busy rotavating the old grass. Then humping it out of the backyard to the front. On top of that I helped pack up DW moving truck and drive it to her new house. Once there I helped her move in.

 

I thought I was going to be out of the house Thursday night.. but ended up sleeping on my dW's bed with the boys.

 

Around lunchtime Friday I noticed my DW sweeping the floor just in side the front door of are house. Her face was very sad.. I know enough to know she was close to tears..

 

A little while later she came up to tell me she was going off to get some burgers for the kids and some coffees for the adults.... She then halfway through saying this put her arms around me and held me.... I hugged her back and kissed her forhead.. and softly told her I loved her... she still held me for a few more seconds.. She then went off to get the grubb.

 

After the move and dropping of the moving truck... I ended back at her house.. I was invited to have some pizza she had ordered. I was invited to have a shower too, as I was covered almost head to toe with mud and dirt...

 

Once I finished some pizza... I said goodbye to everyone... My mother in law hugged me and thanked me for helping move her daughter.. she told me she loved me and not to forget where she lived. I said I wouldn't. My little guy was really over tired.. and also mad at me for not taking him with me to drop off the moving truck.... He realy likes big machines... When I went to say goodbye... he said he did not want to and that he did not like me or love me... when I kissed his forhead... he wiped it away and said.. I am wiping it away... I am not ever coming to your place... ( he has been acting like no off this is going on.. always saying "when we move to the new house"... he proved at that point that he had been gettin it all along)

 

My DW had through out the day been thanking me for helping her move... She kept saying I know you don't have to help, but thank you... When I left she came to the front door and gave me another hug.. I then left.. with the intention to go to me new diggs. I check my cell phone and found I had missed a call from my brother... He had called to see how i was.. I called him and he then invited me down to his place... It was after 10pm.. but he said he would be up awile... so I drove the almost 2 hrs to his place...just I would not be alone....

 

Being alone is what I think is realy scarring me right now... I have never live alone.... I was in the Army at age 16... lived with other guys for over 7 years.. got out of the Army and lived with a woman for 6 yrs.. then lived with my brother until my DW and I hooked up 8 yrs ago... I have always had someone around... Now there is no one.... Having had such a busy home (DW, 2 boys, 2 dogs and 3 cats... to nothing.... it realy bothers me.

 

The one emotion I fell right now is..... sadness... I am not angry or pissed off.. and alot of people would be or are... I just feel the deepest sadness I have ever felt... It is not dispear... or depression... Just a simple feeling of loss...

 

Now is the time for me to trully test my character.... The past 5 months have not broken me living with my family still.. Now am not with them... I shall see if I have realy learned from my own experiences....

 

Have to reinvent myself... learn to be me again.... with no one around.. to see... So infact it will be truly for me and no subconscious attempt to get my DW to notice changes...

 

I have managed not to burn my bridges with my DW... at the same time mantaining my dignity... I do feel pround of myself for the way I have handled this... and how I kept it together to ensure my DW and boys were safely into their new home....(patting myself on the back)

 

Now I shall see... if this separation will be forever or just the time my DW needs to sort out how she is feeling.... Who knows? Patience is all I will have... and I have become just that... patient.

 

Well I guess that is enough.. I know if to much is posted... it gets realy tought to read.... so..

 

Take care all....

if you are new... welcome to the (club).. if your have been here for awhile... "later":)

 

ilmw

 

Hey Buddy,

 

Just checkin' in with you. Sounds like things have been up and down but you seem to be getting stronger and better with each passing day. I've been going through a bit of my own drama so haven't had a lot of time. Unfortunately my live in GF for the past 2.5 years and I are separating. I'm the bad guy in this one though (sort of) It's a long story but I decided to call it quits.....we basically fought everyday....then everday..several times a day. I had enough. Sadly I have a 6 y/o from a previous marriage that has gotten close to her and we have a baby girl together. It's been rough on both of us.

 

But anyway....about your trip to the states...I'd advise against the pistol. You really don't need that sort of thing for protection here. It can get crazy but it's not as bad as people think. The only reason the average person would need a gun around here (California) is if they are doing something that they shouldn't be doing to begin with. I'm from LA and live in Ventura now so send me a message if you need any information or are passing through.

[Becoming]

You made me cry again! I could see what you were describing; it was well-written.

 

Sometimes I think fear of being alone is what keeps folks in bad marriages. It's not easy being alone--a real test of character. There will be plenty of time for that, so if you need to stay with your bro, do.

 

Be kind to yourself, ilmw. This is a really hard time. Feel the sadness, but don't let yourself fall into the pit of despair. Do what you need to take care of you.

 

Blessings and prayers.

[ilmw]

You made me cry again! I could see what you were describing; it was well-written.

 

Sometimes I think fear of being alone is what keeps folks in bad marriages. It's not easy being alone--a real test of character. There will be plenty of time for that, so if you need to stay with your bro, do.

 

Be kind to yourself, ilmw. This is a really hard time. Feel the sadness, but don't let yourself fall into the pit of despair. Do what you need to take care of you.

 

Blessings and prayers.

 

Thx Becoming

 

Despair is not an option.... I still have the boys to care for... if DW wants nothing to do with me.. I still have my boys... My step son thinks of me as his dad.. told me the other night... and my little mini-me S5... loves me to bits.... if anything..... I will show those boys how to be a man.... I have something to prove to them... and myself! I dearly love my DW... but at this point I can't... won't let her affect me to the point that I would let my boys down... I am a father and will set the best example that I can...

 

I called the DW home tonight to say goodnight to my boys... Spoke with S-son. First thing out of his mouth is he missed me.. I told him... dito. Mini-me was already asleep.... Dw told me this morning when she called me about some finacial stuff... that the boys were realy upset when I left last night.... No sh$t!! Anyway.... (if my tone seems off-strange.... I have had a few margaritas (SC) ?? One to many:laugh: At this moment in time that is:o

 

I would have liked to speak with my little man... but alas.. he was pooped. I am going to leave it for a couple of days... then I think I will take the boys up to my mothers place.. for a day or 2. My mother is all freaked out that she will never see her grandson ever again... so she has been very negative about this intiter situation.... My brother had a child many years ago... and my mom only saw her grand daughter abour 2 years.. then nothing... that was 11 years ago... now she is basing my stitch to that... my DW is not a evil Bit@h... and would never do this... so I think a little visit would help her... and the boys...

 

Scrybe... So sorry for your stich... it is awful to hear a relationship breakdown... espeaicaly ?? See.... I'm 'HBD' (has been drinking)

when the kids are involved.... Send me a PM bud... calling it quits is big...why???? Up to you to let me know...K

 

Life can be so messed up... but I am seeing it as a life mission to sort it the hell up:)...

 

About the gun thing... I hate the dame things... although I have handled the damn things since I was 14.. and have to wear one for the job... I still dislike them.. and respect them for the same reasons.... the damage they can do... seen it first hand! Plus being a Canuck...I am sure are custom boys..(CC:laugh:) would take offence to me carrying... plus various state troopers and state police...and the (Chips)!!! Yeah I remember the 70's TV show....HAHAHAHAHAH:laugh:

 

If you have info on Cal please let me know... I am mainly doing the cost between San Diego and San Fransico... then up to Carson City back to las Vegas then.. Grand Canyon and down to Sadona..... gonna collect alot of sand....hahahaa

 

Take care all...

 

PS... as always.. Gunny thanks for your words... you truly have been a load stone through this all... as we share a kindred spirit.. (warrior code) etc...

 

Cheers all../god bless this mess:)

ilmw