Rooster_DAR Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 I hate the feeling of waking up from a nap, or a good nights sleep and you are feeling so separated from what you used to know. I get where I seem lost and wandering around in an unfamiliar place. Weird and lonely feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 15, 2006 Author Share Posted September 15, 2006 Hi all, Been out of town for the past week on a course for work... Heading down to the states tommorow in the early am... so be gone for a couple of weeks. Tell you all about it when I get back.... BTW... DW has been acting very friendly recently... nothing to write home about... but she does seem to have (maybe) different attitude?? I think as Gunny so clearly put... Mr R has started to visit... Not going to worry about it... just going on my trip;) Take care of yourselves.. ilmw PS dgiirl... stand by your window at around 6am tommorow... i'll wave... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Have a good and safe trip! Be careful out there! Check back in with us when you get back! I'm interested in how this trip is going to affect the DW? Especially in light of your latest post? Mr. R is visiting you as well, in case you're not aware of it? She'd best wake up and smell the Java, before some old gal comes along and recognizes a good catch then she see's one and starts working her mojo on you! Link to post Share on other sites
umbo Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 You should change jobs you have a hard time of letting of work or join the Army they will train you better mentally to do deal with do or die situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 You should change jobs you have a hard time of letting of work or join the Army they will train you better mentally to do deal with do or die situations. ????????????????? :confused: :confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 24, 2006 Author Share Posted September 24, 2006 Hi all, Well I am back.... spent 6 days solid driving....Ontario to California and back again... I travelled 10600kms... in 6 days... It was not the fun filled vacation one would dream about... it was more a test of indurance... and if I had the guts to drive the distance on my own and to be totally alone with my thoughts... I can honestly say.. the guy who left early that saturday morn was not the same guy who came back.... I do not know many people who live out or act out the dreams.... this is a journey I have wanted to do since... well as far back as I can remember. I have experienced sights that I had/have only seen in movies and on TV. I travelled from San Diego to LA (Hell A) hahhhahah... got caught in 4 hour traffic jam... nice:D A dream come true (LOL) Drove the coastal highway.. #1 Wow... that was amazing... Got lost in San Francisco... cool.. did the hills down to the bottom road then finally worked my way back to 19 Ave before I figured that was the road I was meant to be on.. crossed the Golden Gate Bridge (a highlight).. got to the other side.. and guess who I tried to call first... (yup DW) but there was no reception for my cell?? Near Solvang California I went out for a steak dinner.. and couple of glasses of red wine... very nice... left the restaurant and found out someone had hit my car with theirs... smashed my drivers side mirror and put a great big dent in the side... Welcome to California. Went to the grand canyon... now that was a spiritual moment... stood for quite some time just staring... and thinking... came away from there... feeling uplifted.. then headed down to Sadona.. intended to stay the night there... but after taking many photos of the red rock formations I had a Forrest Gump moment.. ( in the film Forrest was running back and forth across the US.. he suddenly stops and says I'm tires I want to go home...) This happend to me... I suddenly said to myself.. the same thing. I then headed back to Canada... second last day of my drive home I probably drove close to 19 hours solid except to stop for gas food and bathroom breaks... by the time I got home.. I was completely exhausted.... Mentally physically and emotionally.... I thought I could some how forget about my DW... but all I seemed to do is wish she was with me...... I did not drive me nuts or make me sad... I just wished she was there... of all the people I have known in my life... she above all else would have appreciated what she has seen as much as I did..... oh well... While in California.. I bought some trinkets for the boys.... but my eye caught this statue of 2 killer whales carved out of drift wood.... a few days prior.. I had let my DW know I was heading to California... she sounded very surprised... she asked why I was going there... and I joked... "to get you some drift wood".... I saw this statue and had to get it for her.... not second thoughts... just did it... it felt right..? Well tonight I went over to the DWs to pick up the boys to take them out to dinner and give them their gifts. I then gave DW the statue... she had such an interesting look on her face.... and she did love it... espeacially the fact it was made from drift wood. Also she looked at my trip pictures on the Digi camera... at some parts her eyes appeared to water... she knew I wanted to take her there when we retired.... she had said this trip was for you (nicely).. I then added.. but I wished you could have been there too.... (oopps... I slipped) After I came back from supper... I had a moment alone with her... at the front door... the boys had gone down stairs.... and I made the mistake...yup.. I did it... I told her I loved her.... her face became pained... and she told me "not now".. I took that as my que to leave... Its amazing you can convince yourself to be strong... and keep your mouth shut... but when you look at the person you love so much... you can forget yourself.... ( i did not blubber I just came out and told her).. I then left with a smile.... which of course left my face once I was driving down the road... Well back to the trip... It was the smartist and crazyist thing I have ever done for myself.... It may not seem like anything speacial to some who are reading this... but for me... it was one of the bravest things I have ever done.... the distance I covered on my own in the time I covered was inspiring to myself... and I will forever feel changed by it.... I was doing good before... but now.... I feel over the moon.... I feel f$*king great... It was the best therapy...... I realy had the time to reflect on what I want in my life... and are there certain things I will and will not put up with... can I be patieant... is it worth it.... The answer is a resounding...YES... I have not changed my mind about my DW... I will give her time to figure things out... If we never reconcile... I know I will always love her... but I know now.... I can be happy without her... I can do it on my own..... That is what this trip taught me... It may never be as happy as when we were together... but I know it can be achieved. There you go... the coles notes version of my odyessy;) Take care all ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 ilmw, I am SO envious It sounds like such an awesome trip and it will be something you will remember for the rest of your life. And the lesson you learned is invaluable. Yes, you might not have choosen a life w/o your wife, but if that's what is meant to happen, you know right now things will be ok and might even be better than before. I'm very happy for you Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 I had hoped the wife might have had a change of heart. Guess not. Glad you had a good trip. Sounds awesome. Time to drift away from the wife ~( not the children) and to get more involved in moving forward with your life, accentuating the positive. Focusing on yourself, your wants, your needs, you life. You've done the best you can do, you've done all you can ~ all that anyone can do. If its going to take your moving ahead, and moving forward, and losing you to someone else for her to wake up then that's her mis-fortune. I'm not saying that you should run down and file for divorce, but I'd be "inching" my way in that direction, mentally, emotionally, pyschologically, and eventually one day ~ ................................ It took me a long time to come to the realization that all work and not enough play cost me a wife. I've got funds saved and set aside, that I will always keep and maintain at a certain level ~ for specific things. I call them Freedom Accounts, that I can tap into for certain things rather than using the credit cards. Such as auto registration and tags, auto maintenance, (Tires, preventive maintenance, etc), etc. One of those is the "Love Fund" (LOL!) ~ and that's right its for when I've gotten myself to where I want to be, and I find someone worthy of my investment of time, effort, energy, and money ~ I'll have the money to go places, and do things. Once a draw out, a certain percentage of my income will be designated to "fill her back up!" As I've stated now is the time to get yourself where you need to be mentally, emotionally, physcholigically, and financially. Get a "Oh S**T, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW!" fund (initially equal to one month's living expenses ~ eventually one year) and then get your FA accounts funded, and cut your dependence on CC's and other such loans. (People that want to loan you money are not your friends). If things go as planned, I will be completly out of debt, have my car payed for (03 with 17,000 miles ~ bought it new.) and will have my house paid for and furnished within the next three years. There won't be a women nor divorce lawyer or judge that will be able to take it from me. Because if and when I ever do get married again, what I owned before we got married will be mine, and will stay mine. But, like Lor I have a hard time seeing myself getting married again. Maybe when I'm 86, to have someone around to dial 911. Ref: Mary Hunt's "Debt Proof Living" and Dave Ramesy, "Complete Money Makeover" Additioinally I would recommend that you read at least one book on inter-relationships and personal finance at least once a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 I'm not sure... what is going on with the DW.. she was quite friendly... until she found out I was in the States... She did not become rude or anything like that.. just quiet. On my last visit to her place... she was not feeling well.. and had just finished a 7 day stretch of 12 hr shifts... she looked exhausted.. and did not look well. She looked very stressed aswell... I monday I headed up to my mothers place to get out of town before I have to go back to work... Just cant face sitting around in that room.. On the way up I stopped into see my DW Uncle.. he just had some major surgery... and I wanted to see if he needed anything. While I was there.. he told me some more things in confidence... That he had called her after my little visit when I went out with some of the folks on my course... I had on all new cloths... and leather jacket. He mentioned this to her... and she had stated that I was realy looking good these days... He mentioned that when he mentioned that I had been there... her voice went up a few notes... as if excited?? There was other stuff but it is pretty much the same stuff. Dw's Uncle holds onto the belief that she is working out some things for her self... but believes she will come around??? I told him that that is what I wish for.. but I can not hold onto (basically) 3rd party information.. that I need to see things for myself.... Hearing these things and that from a prior visit gave me a glimmer of hope... on the other hand... I started to have some expectation creep into my mind... When the DW was a little aloof with my on my last visit... it upset me... because of the expectation that she would be openly happy to see me. Once I had left her home... I was able to see the big picture... (I think) She was tired and not feeling well.. she saw pictures of a place I had dreamed of taking her.. and we had talked about in the past. Looking back on it now... she was probably upset? I think right now I am just going to take it easy... keep on doing things to get a life... Get my Sh*t together a little more... and see what life has to bring. I'm in no rush right now... that trip energized my batteries.... and helped me realign my head.. I feel kinda like a returning hero (hjahahahhahha) With stories to tell... having done something not many others have done (in my circle of influence:) ) Well enough for now... gotta go out and by some steak.. having a BBQ tonight with mom and dad.. PS... my mother is coming around.... she sent DW a funny email today. Can only be a good thing... makes DW less defensive... knowing she is not hated by the family. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 ilmw, I am SO envious It sounds like such an awesome trip and it will be something you will remember for the rest of your life. And the lesson you learned is invaluable. Yes, you might not have choosen a life w/o your wife, but if that's what is meant to happen, you know right now things will be ok and might even be better than before. I'm very happy for you You got it dgiirl... right on the head... btw.. I did not see you waving when I headed through TO:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 You should change jobs you have a hard time of letting of work or join the Army they will train you better mentally to do deal with do or die situations. Hi... and what are you talking about? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 Hi... and what are you talking about? Just good weed, man! Just some good weed! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 Just good weed, man! Just some good weed! Hahahahahhah.... I never minded people giving me their candid opinion... ......but read my posts first eh?! Geez. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 30, 2006 Author Share Posted September 30, 2006 Well.. not much new has happened in my stich... still on vacation... visiting family...etc since I have been back.... My mother seems to have a better attitude... in think in part to how I have handled this and not complained to her.... My DW recently posted a email joke and its topic was on the perfect couple... marriage etc... I saw it (the title originally pissed me off) but I know her well enough to know she would not send me something that was meant to be cruel.. so I opened it. It was actually very funny... so I was ok with it... but... my sister in law was not and took it upon her self to be the self appointed spokes person for the entire family... and blast my DW.. She was all concerned about why if the joke was so funny... why was it not sent to me... long story short.. my DW has to mailing lists... family/friends and work friends... (second list has more work related emails.. which I am on... sister in law is on the other list aswell as mom. Anyway...this started and short lived email war between them.... with the possible fall out being... well quite negative... Well the DW called me and let me know what was going on (this is all before I went on my trip... just forgot to post this before:p ) She was concerned of what I thought... I told her I thought the joke was funny... and did not see what the fuss was all about.. Later I called my mom and smoothed things over with her... she was ok...now.. because I was Ok... she was concerned the joke may have been a dig at me... I then called my sister in law to give her my thoughs... she was a little rude... and short with me... so I later emailed her... and asked a few questions... mainly.... why did you not call me if you were so concerned about what I thought.... She repled later that she basically did not consider my thoughts... This is after I asked her specifically to stay friendly and positive... and not interfer.... just give me their support... well... she ignored that... cause at 25 she knows best.... Damn I'm pissed at her... just can't bring myself to talk to her right now... it seems that how she felt was worth more than.... well my feelings and my marriage.... as long as she could get her 2 cents in... Well that feels better... this has been bugging me for a while... almost 2 weeks I guess. I emailed my brother.. her husband.... (just making sure everone can follow this soap opera:laugh: ) I explained in the nicest way how I felt about her interfering.... and did thank them both... for their original support... but... well he has not replied... so I guess he is being a good husband.. and supporting her postition.... won't blame him for that...? Anyway.... Taking my little guy up to see grandparents tommorow overnight... S/son already had plans he realy wanted to keep... so next time I'll try to not make it so last minute.... Talked to DW on the phone couple of times in the past few days... just making arrangements... she seemed a little more upbeat.... (not reading into it... just when I got back from my trip.... she seemed realy negative... and cold... which I can now put down to being ill.... god I can be a dumb ass some times.... Oh well.... steady as she goes... really looking forward to spending the time with my little guy... and he is over the moon.... he could almost explode... gonna carve a pumpkin with him... so he can take it home... Plus we are gonna.. pig out on chips and BBQ and have a bondfire..and and.. and... I sound like I'm 6yrs old....hahahh:laugh: Just excited.... anyhooo... take care all.... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted October 2, 2006 Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 Hi all, Had a great weekend with my little guy... we had lots of fun together.. took out to brunch on Sunday.. then walked around a local mall.. Then we went back to grandmas and carved a pumkin for practice for halloween.. He had a great time... but did not like the pumkin "guts":laugh: We played hide and seek in the woods around my mom's property.... and I helped him do his homework...( he is in senior kindergarden and has home work:confused: ) But he wrote his letters very well. Had supper with the folks then took little guy home to mom... On the way home.. DW called to see where I was... and when I got to her house I went in... I actually stayed for maybe half/hour... which is strange... I have felt rushed to get going... last night... she showed me some painting she had done in the upstairs hall.. and I fixed the DVD player.. No relationshop talk... I was just friendly and relaxed... It went well. I actually went back to my place feeling pretty good. Today I have been on the apartment hunt... found out the lady next door to where I am staying is renting her completed basement out. Went over there and had a look. It was perfect... large too... and not a bad price considering it is all inclusive. Also she is having a washer and dryer installed soon. I told her I'd like to take it. Lots of room for the little guy to play and it is 2 bedrooms. I sure hope I get it... I think I could actually call that place a home. Going over to a buddies place tonight for dinner.. going to show pics of my trip... and have a couple glasses of wine with hime and his wife:) Doing pretty good these days:) ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
flowerpot Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 ilmw, sounds like your doing O.K., I just got back from my fishing trip Saturday. My divorce became final while I was gone,feels kind of strange knowing that it's finally over. I get this empty feeling now & then. Hope you get settled in your new pad & everything works out for you. Best of luck, FP Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 ilmw, sounds like your doing O.K., I just got back from my fishing trip Saturday. My divorce became final while I was gone,feels kind of strange knowing that it's finally over. I get this empty feeling now & then. Hope you get settled in your new pad & everything works out for you. Best of luck, FP Thanks FP... sucks to hear about your divorce... I really hate the word! How was the fishing trip... catch anything other than a cold:lmao: ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
flowerpot Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Thanks FP... sucks to hear about your divorce... I really hate the word! How was the fishing trip... catch anything other than a cold:lmao: ilmw Hey ilmw, I have grown to hate the D word myself. I take that are divorced,I'm I correct? It seems you get along with your X fairly well from what I have read I wish you the best of luck. I was at my X's house today to pick up our daughter, as I entered the house I saw that the whole downstairs had new subfloor down and that it will be covered with new wood floors. My one daughter commented about all the money that she has spent since the divorce settelment.More than $50,000 in 6 months!! I know I can't dwell on it but it took me 15yrs to save it for our retirement & the kids college if they chose to do. It is what it is. Anyway you asked if we caught ahy fish. Well the weather was very windy, cold, windy,rainy, & some icy rain.As you can imagin, the fishing was slow but we managed to catch enough to eat. Take care of yourself. FP Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 Hi FP.. I think you asked if I was divorced..? No I'm not... separated physically for 1 month.. lived together emmotionally seperated.. over 5 months. Sold the house up... and split the difference 50/50.. She actually walked away with more... as the boys were going with her.. and I wanted their environment to be as settled as possible... ie.. furniture.. electronics.. etc.. That was my choice... DW wanted to be fair with the division... but I told her I could do without allot of things... I did not expect my boys to. The DW and I do get along pretty well... Seems even more so than before.... but I do not get my hopes up... It just is not worth it... each time I have faltered in that respect... I have come away hurt... not from what the DW has done.. but letting my imagination get away from me... I called DW's place last night to say goodnight to the kids... try to do that as much as possible.. to let them know I love them... if I have a conversation with DW... it is usually about the kids... Well last night she answered the phone... and sounded like a dying frog.... she was sick as anything.. and had come home sick from work.... I asked if she was ok... and she talked with me for a few minutes about how she was doing... I then spoke with S/son and he was doing fine... he sounded happy to speak with me... and was realy happy to hear I may have a new apartment. My little guy had passed out and was in bed... as he had been up since 5:30 cause he had to go to daycare. I then spoke again with DW and I asked how my little guy was doing.. as he had been quite under the weather when I had dropped him off on Sunday... She said he was fine and was pleased I had asked... you could tell by the tone of her voice... All in all it was a good conversation.... and she seemed allot more relaxed than she has been in the past... As for your fishing trip... thats great.... nice to get away.... eh? Kinda recharge the batteries... It sucks that all your savings are being sucked up like that.... but what can you do.... maybe if things worked out..... down the road..... you could enjoy those renovations yourself..... Don't know if that is on the books for you.... or would even consider that? Who knows... eh? I have not gone through the ringer like you yet... so my postive outlook could/might change.... Luckly I have not been screwed over by my DW... and I have not noticed anything except her softening of her attitude.... Some might say she may be softening me up for the Divorce blow.... That I don't know... but the way I fell right now... yes it would hurt... but I am emotionally prepared for the worst.... and am finding my new feet.... a better stronger man... What ever way my stitch pans out.... I'll walk away from this experience a changed person in every aspect of my life.... work... emotional... friends.. and family... I have gained a totally new perspective on everything... It turns out.. I am a more positive person than I ever thought.... and that is a good thing... Take care of yourself.. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
flowerpot Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Hi limw, I did ask if you wers divorced but my typing is'nt the best. The kids were over last night, we had a fish fry. It was really great to see them and to have them back at the house, they really miss our home! My daughters girlfriend Kept commenting on how nice of a guy I am and that someday my wife will really regret her desisions, I don't think she was hitting on me though ha ha... I guess I'm not divorced yet afterall! Mt lawyer called today to tell me that there was still something that needed to be signed.I told him it would have to wait untill next week because I'm leaving for Vermont tomorrow A.M. Who knows maybe something could happen between now & then. Maybe someday I might enjoy some of those reovations. Thats funny, a friend of mine came in the shop today & said the same exact thing. But I know I must always be prepared for the worst & never let my guard down. I do believe God has a plan, hopefuly it will have a happy ending. It sounds like your a great father, keep up the good work. Good things will happen to thise who believe so take care & fight the good fight! FP Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 Hi FP... Wow...what a screw up with the 'D'.... I am one to believe that ...you never give up on anything until... well there is no point anymore.... (relationship.. in this example)... It appears you may be the same.... I have read examples that with patience.... things can turn around.... The thing is... how long do you have to be patient... I guess the anwer to this is... how important is the finaly result to you?? Some people do give up to easily... Others....and there are on here (LS) many examples...of.... they had no choice.... Im sure you too have read some of the horror stories on here... and for those folks... my heart goes out to. I guess in the end... each relationship is different..and only you... know the full extent... of what is hopeful...and hopeless... Make sense? Good to here about your visist with your girls... you too sound like a good father... There are so many men... who when they go through this... just seem to walk away... I know this cause I deal so much with domestic assaults and the like... family disputes etc... It is a pretty nasty world out there some times.... and it is good to see... that there are plenty of good people out there too... that is what I have learned from coming on here My view of the world was getting pretty screwed up! But it is better now.. along with allot of other things:p Anyway... better get back to work... gotta catch a bad guy:cool: ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 "Bad boys, bad boys! Whatcha' gonna do Whatcha' gone do when ilmw comes for you" Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted October 7, 2006 Author Share Posted October 7, 2006 "Bad boys, bad boys! Whatcha' gonna do Whatcha' gone do when ilmw comes for you" hahaha:lmao: :lmao: ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Duhhhh! (me) ilmw = I love my wife Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 Duhhhh! (me) ilmw = I love my wife Your smarter the the average bear....do you do crosswords too:lmao: You should work for the CIA.... Geeezzzz Gunny... my secret is out.... Its gotten out at work... about my seperation..... managed to keep it underaps for over 6 months... getting all the "how you doing" with the knowing... head shakes... its like a Seinfeild episode... It surprisingly does not bother me that much... I guess I am getting used to the idea... amazing how we can adapt... "#8)^" ... try and decode that smarty pants... bye for now... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
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