Gunny376 Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 While I sincerly hope you and the DW get back together ~ that in and of itself doesn't matter. What matters (I know I just PYO), is that you've learned, grown, matured, from the expeirence! You're not the same man, same person, same individual all these many months ago! No offense meant! None intended! The "change" is "forever"! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 5, 2006 Author Share Posted December 5, 2006 Patience is a virtue, isn't it, ilmw? You are still doing good, and although nobody on this board knows you personally (I assume), I believe I speak for anyone following this thread: very proud of you. I just keep hoping one of these days to read that your W is seeing all the good changes, and that you truly are different now (see, I'm allowed to hope for you ). Just keep doing what you are doing and be proud of yourself for your positive changes. If she sees them, great (and I can do a happy dance for you). If she doesn't, then you can still be proud of yourself for seeing changes that ought to be made and making them. Typing can often be misinterpreted, but not in your case. It's pretty easy to read and see that you are growing...and these are just words on a screen, so I imagine she HAS to see the changes. Be consistent and continue on your path. I know good things are in store for you. Antha Thx Antha... thx for the well wishes... Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 In the beginning, I kept saying to myself that this is the most painful experience in my life, and if I have to go through this, it's not going to be in vain. I will take something positive in this experience and learn something, anything, to improve my life. It looks like you are doing the same thing ilmw and you should be proud of yourself. I think the most tragic thing a person can do is go through a horrible experience and let it beat them by not learning anything. To me, I think when people do that, they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again until they finally learn the lessons. It sounds like you're not like that. You will rather take every opportunity and learn something from the experience. You turn every bad situation into a positive. It's hard to do that. It's a lot easier to just say "it's their fault, not mine, I wont change". You have strength and courage and that will take you far Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 5, 2006 Author Share Posted December 5, 2006 While I sincerly hope you and the DW get back together ~ that in and of itself doesn't matter. What matters (I know I just PYO), is that you've learned, grown, matured, from the expeirence! You're not the same man, same person, same individual all these many months ago! No offense meant! None intended! The "change" is "forever"! No Gunns... you didn't PMO.. ... its just a cold hard fact... that I can't expect her to want to work on this relationship.... I may wish for it... want it.... dream about it on a daily basis... to have her in my arms again.. to allow me to show her the depth of my love.... but I don't ever expect it. Of all the things I have learned... that is one thing i have to accept... Yes I have grown... learned... and definatly matured... particularily... in the field of relationships.... I know more now... than I have ever known before... Saying that... I want my DW back.... and to me that says allot about her.... Yes I am more of a man than I have ever been... well the kind of man I have always wanted to be... I know this and feel this about myself.... Do I walk with pride... hell yes... and I am in a position I have always considered by me as a failure.. and that is how I did feel... Am I too proud... no.. I have learned humilty... I, for the first time in my life have some form of actual balance.... I find I can walk with grace... lose the attitude... and be myself... without putting on airs... or a mask that is misinturpred as "in your face.. or arrogant.. or angry" All that crap was washed away... when I lost my family... woke me up! Thx... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 5, 2006 Author Share Posted December 5, 2006 In the beginning, I kept saying to myself that this is the most painful experience in my life, and if I have to go through this, it's not going to be in vain. I will take something positive in this experience and learn something, anything, to improve my life. It looks like you are doing the same thing ilmw and you should be proud of yourself. I think the most tragic thing a person can do is go through a horrible experience and let it beat them by not learning anything. To me, I think when people do that, they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again until they finally learn the lessons. It sounds like you're not like that. You will rather take every opportunity and learn something from the experience. You turn every bad situation into a positive. It's hard to do that. It's a lot easier to just say "it's their fault, not mine, I wont change". You have strength and courage and that will take you far Nice to hear from you dgiirl.. Thanks to you too... you are so right... if you don't learn from your mistakes or take the time to figure yourself out... then.. like you said... you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes again I guess that is why the divorce rate is so high for second marriages.. ?? ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 My therapist told me the divorce rate is high for second marriages because people dont take the time to stop and think of why their first marriage failed. They dont learn from their mistakes and just rush to get married within 2 years after being divorced. I dont know if she was just bsing me or it's true, but it did give me some peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 5, 2006 Author Share Posted December 5, 2006 My therapist told me the divorce rate is high for second marriages because people dont take the time to stop and think of why their first marriage failed. They dont learn from their mistakes and just rush to get married within 2 years after being divorced. I dont know if she was just bsing me or it's true, but it did give me some peace of mind. I don't think you were being Bs'd.. I have read countless times that the rate for divorce for second marriages it something like 60%... But like you said... a lot of people don't figure why the hell it happended the first time.... and just run to the next relationship... working with best intentions... but no knowlege ... and unintentionally repeating the cycle... I'll be damned if I ever go through this again...! Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 haven't been around much these days. Wow this Christmas should be different. Anyway ILMW and DG, I agree with you two about learning something through all this, but what? Am I a different person? I maybe am a bit bitter but NO dot much different, I do knwoone thing though, if I ever get involved with someone on a serious basis I thinkk it would be wise to get a psycological assesment done on the person just to be sure I don;t get involved with another troubled soul... Really in all seriousness, I guess my sense of humor got a bit better, and I'm much more patient with people, -- so that is good I guess? But what a price to pay eh? DG your cousellor is bang on from everything I have read, most people who get into another serious relationship soonafter they end their previous one are much more likely to have that relationship fail. Has somethingtodowith not learning fromthe previous BUT ALSO apparently since they have been through one failure the second one comes easier and it's easier still to simply pull the plug. Well my cents worth. ILMW you really have to look at yourself in teh mirror and pat yourself on the back, you are so strong...You grow, barely show any resentment and are hanging in and doing eveything that is right, Iwish your troubles had began before mine so I could have learned form YOU... CC Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 ILMW you really have to look at yourself in teh mirror and pat yourself on the back, you are so strong...You grow, barely show any resentment and are hanging in and doing eveything that is right, Iwish your troubles had began before mine so I could have learned form YOU... CC Thankyou... that is a real compliment coming from you.. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I maybe am a bit bitter but NO dot much different CC, you cant fall into the trap of bitterness! What's the point in that? You only punish yourself! Think about all the time you waste away while bitter towards your ex, and do you think they even realize all the anger and time we waste thinking about them? No, they're clueless. You gotta change that bitterness into stuborness and be stuborn enough to say screw them and you're going to make your life BETTER than it's ever been before. And dont kid yourself. You've changed. You've learned quite a bit. And you need to be proud of yourself. You have to look at your situation from a third perspective. If your friend was going through your situation, what would you tell them? I do knwoone thing though, if I ever get involved with someone on a serious basis I thinkk it would be wise to get a psycological assesment done on the person just to be sure I don;t get involved with another troubled soul... Really in all seriousness, I guess my sense of humor got a bit better, and I'm much more patient with people, -- so that is good I guess? But what a price to pay eh? That's the thing cc. This is probably the worse thing I had to experience, and I'll be damned if I dont learn anything or improve from the situation. You have too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 Hi everyone, Strangest thing happened this morning... I woke up out of a sound sleep.. looked around... realised where I was.... out of the blue.... broke down and started crying like a baby... I cried like it was only a week ago my wife told me she wanted to seperate.... I realised ... I am lonely... my heart is breaking...still.... It was raw emotion.. that just bubbled up to the top... I have not cried like this for many many months.... my face hurt from the experience.... I don't like this feeling of having a barren soul... (this how it felt) I don't understand why this came about.. I had a great day at work yestersday... had a relaxing time at home after.. had a good chat with a long time friend on the phone... who knows both DW and myself... It just came out of no where... I have never felt so sad....... a part of me feels like it is dying... my garden( my marriage) is dying... and I feel I can't get to it and try and water it...nuture it... A wall has been built around my garden... and I am still trying to figure out how to get through it... patience... patience.. patience.... I know huffing and puffing won't blow the wall down... only make it stronger and taller... I don't know if I was having a bad dream... or what... I don't normally remember them... so I have no clue.... Maybe it was just my brain... flushing alot of frustration... and pent up emotion.... (makes sence) I do feel much better now... although... I woke up way to early...5:30am:( ... I have to work over night... so... blaaah I'll try and go for a nap later... On another note... yesterday.. DW..called me at work... I was in the middle of investigating an accident....(I let her know what I was doing and said I could talk to her for a minute or two.. ) she know the drill on these things... She called to asked when I wanted the boys over the holidays.. i told her.. I was not sure... and would get back to her... did not have my calender on me.. etc.. she was ok with that... I then spoke to her about s/son.. and how he does not seem to want to come over anymore... we discussed it for a minute... I then with out thinking.. said "I feel like he is cutting me out of his life aswell"... DW..instantly said.. "What do you mean by that"... I paused.. and said... "Umm... that did not come out they way it was meant to be said"... I then said.. "Sorry"... she sounded better then after I apologised... she then asked me to call her later and let me know... about the dates for the boys... Well.. I have not called her back yet.. I don't wan't to talk to her for a couple of days... not espeacially after the little episode this morning...need to make sure... I have my strength back... cause.. that stuff.. just shocked the hell out of me....(crying in bed in the dark)... sounds like an over dramtic scene from a movie.. but sadly it is my reality... I am picking the kids up Saturday.. I said I would take them... as DW has a work Xmas party she is going to... I told her I would pick them up early so she could get ready in peace...and not have the boys hounding her... Boy.. do I feel better.. now.... Amazing how getting things off your chest.. does that for you... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
silentalways Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 just a quick post before workies any bitterness or anger i have ever express during the entire period where my ex and broke up was never truly from the heart - sometimes being hurt just makes u say stupid things it funny because i have never wondered if my ex thinks about me at all and that is just because of NC so i assume because i really haven't had much contact that she is fine and is in relationship with someone - that's the only way i was able to believe [trick] myself into that. she's not hang around waiting for me - i know for a fact, read it in court records, that she avoids me at all cost and never wants to ever see me - so that's pretty clear stuff one reason i have struggled for so long is because there are so many flipping issues and side issues i've had to deal with at the same time. get these: 1. lawyers - court 2. doctors - addiction and therapist and ROH 3. police - see friends and addiction 4. hospitals - see paranooooooooooooia 5. selling house - buying house 6. work 7. really main issue - fall out from past ex treatment 8. what happened during marriage 9. cognitive behaviour / anger management 10. normal flipping life 11. etc. that's a ton to handle in a short period of time. but i really do see many, many changes. like my reaction to my last dating experience - no probs. being honest, stomping on bad behaviours, more understanding about her hurt and everything i did, etc. i have told people for the last 6 months, this has changed me forever and people look at that statement as something to be concerned about! pllllllllllllleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase! its the opposite. i have all the old good stuff from the past and now the skills set to bust 2007. its been a long time coming but i am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and am excited about the future, proud of myself, and gonna get me a good woman [we never 'get them' - destiny sends them] and grow old and travel and love her like she's never been loved before. meerrry christmas all Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 ilmw, those darn emotions sneak up on you when you least expect them. When I first moved, I cried like it was the beginning. It was really hard. But you just let them come out and then focus on something else when you cry too much. I also find myself slip into little depression episodes after having a really great day/time. I dont quite know why. Maybe after the highs, i feel the lows a lot more which reminds me of the worst low I ever had. But realizing there is a pattern helps. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 ilmw, I don't have any answers but maybe since you are doing so well the old devil has to pick on you when you are not aware of it because he knows you are strong enough to handle it when you are aware of what you are doing.... I'm glad you came here and let everyone know because just doing that helps a lot, you and I both know everyone here cares about your situtation and we understand to some point. Why these things happen we may never know but you will learn to deal with them and maybe that is just another way to make yourself a better person, maybe you are learning to handle things when they sneak up on you where before that was something hard I don't know, but I know it has to be all in the plan of becoming a better person, which you have been doing very well may I add..... Just make sure and make today a great day, it's your choice and you know you can do it and want to do it. Once in a while just driving down the road I'll hear something on the radio and I'll start getting tears in my eyes and you just wonder why??? Good luck my friend and keep the chin up, be strong today and if you are out and about say hi to a stranger and see how they respond, they will show you the happeness you have on your face by there response. I don't know how to explain it but when you are happy and say "HI" to someone you don't know they can tell your a good person.. ((((((HUG))))))) One big hug from just one of your many friends!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 The 'lows" sneak around the corner and hit you right between the eyes after "having had a great day at work" and "a relaxing evening at home" because....................................... You realize you don't have the Ex to share the "high's" with like you once did. That's a big part of being in a LTR relationship! Just like sharing the lows with them. You didn't recognize this ~ and so it hit you between the eyes at 5:30 in the morning after you deleuxe brain housing group had time to process it during your sleep cycle as in: "Wait a minute!!!! WTF! I miss that! I miss having my DW to tell about my great day, and sharing a low stress ~ no stress releaxing evening with my DW!?" And, DG and the others are right ~ there's no gain ~ without the pain! And pain is nothing more than "weakness" leaving the mind and body! It is through the pain that you will gain, that you will learn, that you will grow ~ IF you allow yourself to learn the lessons to be learned. For those that avoid the pain ~ they're doomed to repeat the lessons over and over like some sad Greek tragety! Link to post Share on other sites
Antha Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Awww, ilmw...***hugs***. Did you know that we only remember 10% of our dreams? Perhaps you were dreaming of DW. I can picture your barren wasteland, as I'm sure many of us can. At least you are walking out of your wasteland step by step. You are getting there, even if you might trip or stumble sometimes. The other day, my sister left a cd in the car and I pushed play...and started bawling immediately as I heard my wedding song coming out of the speakers (I had picked a sweet, violin-only song to walk down the aisle to). Like a ton of bricks in the face, isn't it? But hey, you are still alive, you are still fighting the good fight...and making progress, to boot! Antha Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Buddy I hear you, Hey I'm what 6 months further along than you but in some ways I'm way behind, best thing is go with it, let out the emotion, especially in our line of work we need to or the bottle might get to us first. The past few weeks have been pretty tought here too, my IC said that those periods occur for maybe a few years after a long term marriage, so I guess we have to just roll with the punches and get up, wipe our knees off and move on until the next time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 Buddy I hear you, Hey I'm what 6 months further along than you but in some ways I'm way behind, best thing is go with it, let out the emotion, especially in our line of work we need to or the bottle might get to us first. The past few weeks have been pretty tought here too, my IC said that those periods occur for maybe a few years after a long term marriage, so I guess we have to just roll with the punches and get up, wipe our knees off and move on until the next time. Vets know Vets! For guys like us? Its like? The women we choose to love? Why do you want to hurt me? All gave some, some gave all they had! Their lives! Never FORET~! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 Thanks everyone for the pep talk:) That experience was just so weird and out of the blue... Well ...had the boys over Sat night... DW droped them off early as she had her hair appointment pushed up..No prob.. She was in a rush when she got her with the boys.. so did not come in... She also was going to her work xmas party...in the evening. She text me later and thanked me for taking the boys early... I called several hours later... I knew she was getting picked up by her work mate (female.. ) around 530pm... so I called around 500pm.. I spoke with her and initially asked if she was in a rush and did she have time to talk( I imagined her getting into her dress... and fussing) She was cool and we had a short chat... I asked her to tell me how her hair was and she described it exactly how I imagined it..( ) ... I know her pretty good... She wears it up (love it like that... ...) ... I also asked about her dress... She told me she had gotten her self a new black cocktail dress... I asked her if it was knee high.. she let me know it was just below the knees... i asked her if she had gotten new shoes... she said 'yes'... ... I kept saying she must look wonderful... and I was honest.. in my tone.. and friendly... I told her I hoped she had a good time at the party... I then asked her if I could drop the boys off the next day.. around noon.. She said she would pick them up if I liked... I said that would be fine... I mentioned I was going to a party Sunday afternoon.. she asked if it was a xmas party... I kinda changed the subject.. and started talking about something else... she then asked me again if I was going to a xmas party... I said.. yeah.. kind of.. (I thought it was interesting she asked twice about the party...(hmmm) It is actually my platoon party... and It is all the folks I work with on my shift... .. but I did not tell her that... (ooohh...mysterious). I then got the boys to say good night to her... Had a great time with the boys .. went to the mall had lunch... walk around and hung out... I think my s/son may have some social anxiety... because he was acting all self conscious.. and started not feeling well... but once we left the mall... he felt better.... I remeber when I was about his age... I to used to get all weirded out in large crowds... (hmmm) Well today... I took the boys out for brunch.... I called DW... around 930.. I figured I would let her sleep in... and she did say she would not be staying out late... I spoke with her.. and let her know I was taking the boys to breakfast... and that I could drop them off at her place... she offered to pick them up again.... but I let her know... I had to go out and get some shopping done so I would drop them off... We had a great breakfast.... and I then took them home a little earlier than I had intended... normally I want to do something.. I am always an hour behind schedule.. with the boys... but today... they got ready.. to go out... ate in the restaurant... (well everything went like clockwork) even traffic was good... So I brought then home an hour early... I went in with the boys and there she was... all cute in some flannel PJs... ...damn... She was not feeling well... she sounded like she had what I had a few days ago.. .... She told me she did not realy dance much at the party... as she started to feel it last night... (she is a dancing freak... loves to any chance she can get)... so hmmm... She then told me she got a ride home early... as her ride there wanted to make a night of it... She did look under the weather... and chesty.. and so (nevermind.. ) I then left.. after offering to go out for her and get her some meds or orange juice etc.. she told me she had already done so.. and thanked me anyway... That was it... Gonna have a good time tonight/afternoon... I actually am going to 2 parties today... one work.. and one at a buddies house.. later... Don't work Monday.. so... going to indulge a little... and NOT DRIVE later... .. let what hair I have down..(keep it short in my gig) Take care all... PS.... this life is when hell of a journey... and I think I finally am learning to read the map... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 Everytime I read your latest post I go "hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' and think WTF? Remind me again why the two of you are seperated? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 Everytime I read your latest post I go "hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' and think WTF? Remind me again why the two of you are seperated? F.I.I.K ... .... Link to post Share on other sites
Antha Posted December 11, 2006 Share Posted December 11, 2006 I think it's so nice that you asked about her dress and stuff. Did it come off (do you think?) as genuinely interested or "wondering what she's wearing to go out clothes"? Things seem to be going along nicely. You are both considerate of each other, and with every new post, she seems to be more friendly and open. Don't pressure her, but don't let her forget about you, and keep living your life. Jaclyn Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 12, 2006 Author Share Posted December 12, 2006 I think it's so nice that you asked about her dress and stuff. Did it come off (do you think?) as genuinely interested or "wondering what she's wearing to go out clothes"? Things seem to be going along nicely. You are both considerate of each other, and with every new post, she seems to be more friendly and open. Don't pressure her, but don't let her forget about you, and keep living your life. Jaclyn Thanks Jaclyn... To answer your question.. ... I asked genuinely... as in wonder.. and excited for her.. (i think... but I know I was friendly...) I was not priing... but asked her "interested questions..." Dw text me today asking if I had a tree.... for xmas... I text her back and asked her "how come"... she text back... because she had gotten the presents for me from the boys... and was wrapping them... and said I could put them under my tree.. Yes thoughtful... I was out today getting presents for family and DW from the boys... got her a terry cloth bathrobe... hers is looking old... and 2 different female sales clerks.. said I made a good choice... and I should be getting extra points...for it..(it is pretty... i guess.... ) DW is also a huge (24) fan so I'm getting her season 1 for her....(from the boys) I also got mucho xmas cards for lots of people... I don't do that... .. felt good.. Had lots of fun today,.. Oh yeah,... got me a chin up bar... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted December 13, 2006 Author Share Posted December 13, 2006 Hi all, I went to the book store yesterday... was xmas shopping.. I kinda knew what I wanted to get... and also a book on relationships for me... I went to the relationship/self help section of the store... and could not find the title.. I was looking for.. I was about to walk away and go get my boys some books... I just happened to glance down onto one shelf.... and saw this book (it was the last one sat there all by itself) I picked it up because the title was ..well very relivant.. "Winning your wife back.... before it is to late" By:Gary Smally ISBN 0-7852-6028-5 I glanced through it... and thought ... oh well I'll get it.... can't hurt... I then went off and got some other books as gifts... When I got home... I sat down with a cup of tea.. ... and started to read.. It took only a few pages to realise.. that I had read the preview for this very same book many months ago... on amazon.com... and thought I should get it... but could never find it... Thought is was kinda weird... that it was right there infront of me... when for so long... I had never seen it... and trust me... the title of the book would have gotten my attention... I was never one to realy believe in fate and destiny... but small things like this... are making me see things a little different.... The book has religious overtones... and does mention section of the bible.. which is no problem for me.. as it is all good positive information... and if it did bother you... you can ignore it an take it for the positive message and information if provided. The information in the book is nothing realy new to me... but... it is a different view point on what and what not to do... and helped me see some different things.. such as a wife's closed spirit... among other things.. The book is very positive.. and easy to read... hay... got it yesterday... and over half way through it... (it also feels like a just got a vitamin C shot... because I feel realy good).. Positive positive...positive. The book also help booster up my hope... (wether DW and I get back together) I will have hope... All in all.. a awsome day for renewl..of energy..and hope ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Antha Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 Glad you liked the book. Can't believe your already halfway through it. Wait, yes I can. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts