Getting Seperated...totally lost

[Dad_of_3]

Thats great to hear ilmw.

 

Yeah little things like that now, that happen and you when you think it over, you realise 'oh yeah'

to be honest, I never lebieved in the whole things happen for a reason either. But the more and more time moves on, it comes clear.

Another theory from friends has been that I've become more aware of whats going on. being in the 'moment'

 

Just hearing your words of 'positiveness' ( Is that even a word ? LOL ) is really awesome !

 

Keep the chin up champ !

[PWSX3]

Thanks for the info, I'll have to check out the library and if not it's on line I will go.......

 

Like Gunny says; it never hurts to educate yourself just a little more

 

I told the W today that I plan on reading at least two books a year on some subject that will make me a better person, that can include managing money, marriage type books, etc.

[Gunny376]

to be honest, I never lebieved in the whole things happen for a reason either. But the more and more time moves on, it comes clear!

 

I went through this "Bam! Upside the head out of no-where, like a freight train hitting me! Sixteen years ago back before there was a LS and the internet, and the mega-bookstores.

 

There's a common thread that runs through each of our stories about our wives. Our stories are a paradox, their all the same, yet their all different.

 

Good move there Perry!

 

If you read just fifteen minutes a day, each day of your life from the time that you've graduated from HS throughout your 40 year work carrer you would have read enough material to equal the equivalent of five four year college degrees.

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

Another little update... on my odyssy..

 

Today I picked up the little guy.. I took my night shifts off as I had much owed time... and DW was still sheduled to work...

 

I picked s5 up around 11am... as DW was taking s/son to a arcade/party place for his Bday... I headed over there and brought a pointcetta?(think that is how you spell it)...

 

I arrived (once again all dressed nice and smelling pretty;) .. I was let in by son... who was jumping for joy..

 

I had a short chat with DW... told her I liked her top... and asked if she had her hair cut... as it looked nice.. (said in a sincer voice.. )

 

She also seemed very happy to have to plant... apparently no one has gotten her one this season... so I did good... (btw... she loves them)

 

I then gave s/son his birthday card... (it was a funny one... and he laughed out loud).. Dw then read it.. as she was curious as to why it was so funny... she to laughed out loud... and she smile broadly... said it was a good card...(did good again)

 

She then put her shoes on and carried out all of s5's stuff to my car.. I said to her that she did not have to do this... but she said she did not mind..

 

Once outside... she started to speak with her neighbour (long time friend) who had just brought her son over.. he was going with s/son for his bday..

 

I made sure I said hi to her before I left.. and got a big smile from her and DW.. and when I started to drive off.. Dw made fun of my driving... ( i was kinda goofing off.. but not to much).. I beeped my horn slightly... as I drive a Toyota Echo... the horn is not very manly sounding so the way I beeped it... was funny... (dw and her friend both laughed)... and as I drove off... I could see both DW and her friend watching me drive down the road.. in my rear view mirror...??

 

A few hours later.. I received a text message from DW saying thankyou for the xmas plant.. and have a fun time with the little man (one of our nicknames for s5:) )

 

Im still nuts about this woman.. but she is driving me nuts.... ...

 

Had a great day with... my little guy... went to the mall again.. ..cause he loves to show me around... he got a map of the mall and we had to search for a secret place... .. .. (quite the imagination for a 5 yr old)... We also went to a new "hip" restruant in the mall. A lot of the guys at work have been raving about it... had lunch there.. and the food was great... but I see why the guys are raving about it... It is like a upscale hooters.. with much more class... .. :lmao: Wall to wall babes.. in tight black dresses and hooker boots... .. but very classy too..(chic)!! Surprisingly it was not that expensive... and I will definalty go back... cause the food was awsome...

 

Get this..I was hit on in Walmart today... ... :laugh: !

 

I'm no where near ready for that ... but it was blatant... ...good thing my son was only 5 cause that would realy have freak me out to try and explain that one...

 

Been a great day... Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend... or altleast trying..

 

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Sounds like you had a good time, and it also sounds like you have her interest. She might show you she isn't checking things out, but it kind of sounds like she might be.

 

It's just good to see you are having fun with your kids, I do have a question, did you do things as much with your kids before your split with the DW??????

 

It just seems to me that you are so much happier with life and yourself, you are enjoying the little things and you are noticing a lot more of what is going on around you.

 

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK MY FRIEND!!!

[ilmw]

Went over to DW's house.. to drop off s/son.. after taking him out for lunch... started to have a conversation with DW.. and s5 starts playing with a santa hat... DW tells him to leave it alone.. and he says .."but Trent gave it to me"... I hear this.. and my back gets up right away... I try to fight it... but ... did not do so good... we go outside... and I say:( ..." I know I'm gonna regret this but... "s5 keeps mentioning Trent" Dw then just looks at me and says..."I'm not dating him... I'm not dating anyone.. "blank" comes over too... and I do have guy friends.. who come over for coffee.. " (she has had these friends for years... and is friends with thier wives aswell... ..

 

I then left... feeling mad at myself... and stupid..

 

I get home... and I'm just stewing at myself for the loss of control.. I tried to call a little while later to apologise... but DW was asleep (she is on night shift)

 

I call her just a little while ago... and catch her on the way to work..

 

Start having a conversation... to apologise.. she then asked if she has done anything to lead me on..? She then stated that she had mentioned to me I think about a month ago... something about legal seperation.. (for tax purposes... She now stated that her postion on us has not changed...and she has not procrastinated on this matter...due to any other reason than she has not found the time...to look into it...

 

I then asked her if she is looking at divorce... she said .... well kinda danced around the question... I actually don't know it I got a straight answer..but I think she said yes...

 

She also said with a sad voice that... she thought this should not be done over the phone... and so close to xmas...

 

I was gutted... I tried to maintain a straight voice... but know it started to quiver... I told her that before she came along.. I did not want to be with anyone.. but she got her hooks into me.. and that she showed me a world I had never known.. that I was sorry I shut her out and her world... and I would always be thankful for that... that I will and have always loved her.. (she sounded chocked up... and became very quite.. she said she knew I would always love her... ) She was sad... but it seems she is done with me...

 

There was talk about how she has seen changes in me.. and just wanted to make sure the changes were for the right reasons... I told her they were for me... I mentioned that I realised I did not like me... and wanted to change that... ( I guess it is not enough for her)

 

I do believe she is not seeing anyone.... but the mention of anothe mans name.... just hurts... and causes confusion... Like being side swiped by surprise from a MacTruck....

 

This day turned so great... now... I am doing my best to show strength infront of my little guy... as I still have him until tommorow.. So I'm typing this to vent... cause I feel like exploding....

 

I felt things were turning around... but it seems.... I was wrong...

 

On the same note... I will not give up this fight.. until the day my divorce papers are signed.... I will not give up on the greatest thing that has happened in my life... I owe it to me... my boys... and DW.. to see this through to the bitter end.

 

BTW... I am screaming in my head..!!

 

ilmw...

[PWSX3]

I guess when you get hit in the face with reality it kind of hurts sometimes but read your post again, you might have been slapped in the face but you are still standing, your going to fight until the end and I really feel that is because you want to not because you feel you supposes to.

It's pretty hard to understand how the other person is thinking and why. You have to remember you & I have been reading books and are starting to understand just a little about how a relationship can work but with both our W's they aren't working on getting back together but distancing themselves from us. I feel they might not realize it until it's to late but I know you will be a better person no matter what happens, look how far you have come, look how much you have learned. Until they count to 10 and you are laying on the mat, you are still a fighter and they can't take away all the hard work you have put in so far.

 

I just got off the phone with the W and we were talking about our son and then I told her I had to go because we were headed down to the BIG city and she said; tonight in this weather?

I should have left it at that but I told her we were going to our 4x4 club's Christmas party and she really got quite and then I could hear her crying and she said to tell her friends hi for her.

 

That really hurts me when I hear her cry and so I called her back and left a message and told her I had said something earlier about her going but never heard back. I asked in my voice message if she wanted to go but I haven't heard back on that either.

[Antha]

Ooh, ilmw! I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't help, but I am. **hugs**

 

At the very least, you know that the changes you made were real, and that DW saw them too. Maybe if you thought of it as even though she says she is looking into divorce, you still have a lifetime to figure out yourself and make more positive changes. If she doesn't see what a great guy you are, then it's her loss...but even if you do get divorced, you are still in each other's lives forever. You have a lifetime for her to notice what she lost...or for the two of you to grieve for the relationship and move on.

 

I'll be thinking of you and hoping for you. I know you are crestfallen, but you are a good and decent man and the happiness you deserve will come in many forms.

[dgiirl]

ilmw, i'm so sorry you are feeling hurt. But you know you are doing amazingly well and you are not letting this defeat you. You are making positive changes and your wife saw that. You dont really know what's going on in her head. She's probably just as confused as you are. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves that it's hard for us to notice their struggle. But if she's a decent woman, which I believe she was, then this isnt easy for her either. I dont know if she's made up her mind 100% yet or not. She's probably having her own internal conflict with herself, hence her asking you if she's given you mixed signals. She's enjoying the time you two are together and now she feals guilty for it.

 

During my recovery, sometimes I needed to hold onto the false hope, even if it wasnt realistic. The pain hurt too much that I would take comfort in knowing that I really DONT know what tomorrow will bring. It might have brought my ex back to me or it might bring someone new. What I didnt fully comprehend was it brought important changes to my life that is starting to change my life significantly. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. And I like myself. It's a mixture of who I was b4 the ex, a little of who i was during my marriage, and a completely new person trying new things. You are going to see these changes too. You are a fighter and you are not one to let such an experience go to waste. You are improving your life for you. You are learning and becoming more compassionate and empathetic. All of these things will benefit you and all of your loved ones, friends, family, etc Remember, you dont know what tomorrow will bring, so dont worry too much about it right now. With everything on your plate, just focus on today and how you'll make it a good one.

[Dad_of_3]

I'm sorry to hear ilmw.

 

Buddy, you hang in there.

You've been a pillar of strength, its ok to fall.

I think everyone who has posted so far offer you that hand up for what is worth.

 

Its not the best news, but you know what, it is tough, i make no drama of that. I'm sure I will be there come time for me as well. I hear ya buddy.

 

The strange thing is that no one knows what is around the corner. You've said it to me, so have a lot of people.

You've got the right attitude, and I'm sure you'll ride this out as every other time. Weather is pretty messed up, but it will clear again.

If anything I know it will.

 

Hell, when I get my stuff sorted out and I move into my own place early next year.

I offer to you the lodging of a humble Sydney sider. Come see how the other side of the world lives !

 

Its not much, but I offer my hand to brace yourself up.

 

Take care mate ...

[Guest]

i refuse to let drama back in my life - part of recovery is a calm confidence that needs no words. i was walking with my ex wife the other day, and she put her arm around me and said u are doing an amazing thing g and i felt good that she had noticed - i felt strong and walked like someone that was. and i can say part of this was for my ex, to give her the best of me, what she deserved, that is not saying i am not doing if for myself because u do that first and i actually thought 'what a shame -

 

she doesn't get the good stuff - but it is not given anymore, handed, it is earned and must be wanted and if she doesn't that's kewl - i am going to focus on a partner that does and what better time to start sating than christmas time and having that be the start - i am a romance and this christmas eve i will be on a date walking thru snow with someone - sigh

[ilmw]

Thankyou all of you... all of you helped..

 

I had a realy hard day dealing with the anguish... but I'm getting my head back in the game... got rattaled by the side swipe... things went a little foggy...now my vision is clearing...

 

Each one of you said atleast one thing I needed to hear:o ..

 

Also hearing from the female perspective.... is also reassuring... like a mothers words.."everthing is gonna be ok"...

 

I logically know this... I also have been preparing for the day I would hear this... but... emotion... got a hold of me... (apparently.. I have emotions again... )...

 

The insight into how DW is confused... was a blessing... I feel this too.. but hearing someone else say it... just makes it sound possible...

 

I was told by here she just has not found the time to look into getting properly seperated...(she managed to arrange the sale of the house , find a new one.. change all her bills etc to the new house... when we lived together.... but now.... apparently does not have the time... (BS).. It took me less than 5 mins using google to learn the steps to take... and that it can all be done out of court... just have to file paperwork... (same with divorce.... ) ..

 

So that sounded kinda week coming from her.... so... at this juncture... I am taking my sales... and going to weather this little Typhoon... ride it out ... and then Host the main sale up the mizzen mast... and..... (i don't actually have a clue about saling... just seen lots of pirate movies... )

 

She has text me a couple of times....over the last 2 days... and I have not replied for several hours..... back... text today was saying don't be peeking at my presents from the boys... ( )... and did I know when my parents would be down on Thurs to give the grandkids their presents...

 

I text her back once I got confirmation from my mother...the time they would be down.. a short while later... DW called me... on the phone... and the first thing she said was "have you been peeking at your presents".. in a humourous tone... I made a couple of jokes with her... and then she asked me if I was busy tonight... I carefuly asked why... she then told me she has been called up for a 12 hr overtime shift... and could/would I take the little guy over=night.... or he would have to goto the neighbours house.... as s/son would be out all evening with his birth father... who is finally showing up after god knows how many months to take him to the movies. only 4 days after the fact .... ...(anyway )

 

I told the DW I would have to call her back about tonight.... and that I needed to make a phone call and that I would call her back... she said she was almost home.. so to call her there...

 

(I don't actually have plans tonight... well nothing concrete... ) so this call was just to get her thinking... (yeah game playing... something I have not done through out all this...) but I think the steaks just got a little higher... so I'm going to adjust my stragedy... instead of the right flank... we are heading in from the left now... and see if that makes a difference.... while at all times maintaining and improving... (me)

 

I guess I call her in a few minutes... its been almost half and hour... since I said I would call her back...

 

Not being a "dick"... just not being so available... (and of course I'll take my son... for that I would drop anything... )

 

My Dw...wow... (shakes head confused )

 

Thankyou all again... you all helped me...

[Gunny376]

No its not playing games, its pysch-ops, its making yourself interesting, etc.

 

She's flirting with you, stay the course. I don't think she's ready for the big D.

 

Read the e-book I PM'd you. I believe it will give you insight. Be fun, lighthearted, smiling, enjoyable, carefree. Don't concentrate on the end, concentrate on the means to the end. Leave no stone un-turned.

[ilmw]

No its not playing games, its pysch-ops, its making yourself interesting, etc.

 

She's flirting with you, stay the course. I don't think she's ready for the big D.

 

Read the e-book I PM'd you. I believe it will give you insight. Be fun, lighthearted, smiling, enjoyable, carefree. Don't concentrate on the end, concentrate on the means to the end. Leave no stone un-turned.

 

Hoorah...!!

 

Thx gunny... I actually just pm'd you back... and to give credit where credit it is due... its your advise I am following from... several posts back... as I said in my last post... the steaks just got a little higher... time to change up... and readjust....

 

Like my old singnature used to say "Never give up, never give up... never give up!!... this old soldier... don't lay down for know one... and I sure as hell don't give up on what I want!...

 

Never have... never will.... (patience or tanacious...or just plan stubourn...??) ...you take your pick... cause I just got a fire lit under my arse... and i am up for this fight.... ( )...

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

time to change up... and readjust....

 

That's the ticket. Adapt, adjust, and overcome. Be "fluid", be liquid.

 

If she was Hell-bent for leather toward getting a divorce, she'd find the time. Trust me on that one.

 

She's testing you. Its going to take time. Look at some of Lady Jane's latest post about her stich with her DH. If she had listened to what her DH, he and her wouldn't be together today!

[ilmw]

That's the ticket. Adapt, adjust, and overcome. Be "fluid", be liquid.

 

If she was Hell-bent for leather toward getting a divorce, she'd find the time. Trust me on that one.

 

Thanks gunny

 

She's testing you. Its going to take time. Look at some of Lady Jane's latest post about her stich with her DH. If she had listened to what her DH, he and her wouldn't be together today!

 

Thanks again..., I normally read all of LJ's posts... must have missed some.. could you give me a link... please:) ????

 

muchos gracies munchacho...?

 

( i can barley speak the queens english... so my spanish is gonna be worse)

[ilmw]

Wow... I finally got the multiquote right... :lmao:

[ilmw]

i refuse to let drama back in my life - part of recovery is a calm confidence that needs no words. i was walking with my ex wife the other day, and she put her arm around me and said u are doing an amazing thing g and i felt good that she had noticed - i felt strong and walked like someone that was. and i can say part of this was for my ex, to give her the best of me, what she deserved, that is not saying i am not doing if for myself because u do that first and i actually thought 'what a shame -

 

Sounds like you know what and where you are going...

 

she doesn't get the good stuff - but it is not given anymore, handed, it is earned and must be wanted and if she doesn't that's kewl - i am going to focus on a partner that does and what better time to start sating than christmas time and having that be the start - i am a romance and this christmas eve i will be on a date walking thru snow with someone - sigh

 

Sounds also that you might have more to share... why don't get a name on LS... and come join our gang...

[ilmw]

Ooh, ilmw! I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't help, but I am. **hugs**

 

At the very least, you know that the changes you made were real, and that DW saw them too. Maybe if you thought of it as even though she says she is looking into divorce, you still have a lifetime to figure out yourself and make more positive changes. If she doesn't see what a great guy you are, then it's her loss...but even if you do get divorced, you are still in each other's lives forever. You have a lifetime for her to notice what she lost...or for the two of you to grieve for the relationship and move on.

 

I'll be thinking of you and hoping for you. I know you are crestfallen, but you are a good and decent man and the happiness you deserve will come in many forms.

 

Thanks Antha... your cyber hugs.. was needed:o ... you are sweet..and insightful....

[ilmw]

ilmw, i'm so sorry you are feeling hurt. But you know you are doing amazingly well and you are not letting this defeat you. You are making positive changes and your wife saw that. You dont really know what's going on in her head. She's probably just as confused as you are. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves that it's hard for us to notice their struggle. But if she's a decent woman, which I believe she was, then this isnt easy for her either. I dont know if she's made up her mind 100% yet or not. She's probably having her own internal conflict with herself, hence her asking you if she's given you mixed signals. She's enjoying the time you two are together and now she feals guilty for it.

 

Hmmmm... thankyou... (shakes head in understanding... as he ponders the changes in his life....)

 

During my recovery, sometimes I needed to hold onto the false hope, even if it wasnt realistic. The pain hurt too much that I would take comfort in knowing that I really DONT know what tomorrow will bring. It might have brought my ex back to me or it might bring someone new. What I didnt fully comprehend was it brought important changes to my life that is starting to change my life significantly. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. And I like myself. It's a mixture of who I was b4 the ex, a little of who i was during my marriage, and a completely new person trying new things. You are going to see these changes too. You are a fighter and you are not one to let such an experience go to waste. You are improving your life for you. You are learning and becoming more compassionate and empathetic. All of these things will benefit you and all of your loved ones, friends, family, etc Remember, you dont know what tomorrow will bring, so dont worry too much about it right now. With everything on your plate, just focus on today and how you'll make it a good one.

 

Once again my dear Dgiirl... you make sence out of my confusion... always a pleasure to read your posts...

 

BTW.. your avatar scares the crap out of me.... :lmao:

 

Thankyou too

[ilmw]

It's pretty hard to understand how the other person is thinking and why. You have to remember you & I have been reading books and are starting to understand just a little about how a relationship can work but with both our W's they aren't working on getting back together but distancing themselves from us. I feel they might not realize it until it's to late but I know you will be a better person no matter what happens, look how far you have come, look how much you have learned. Until they count to 10 and you are laying on the mat, you are still a fighter and they can't take away all the hard work you have put in so far.

 

 

PW.. at truer statement could not have been said...

 

You and all the awsome people who have bothered to take time away from themselves to help ... well (me) in my time of need... is truly heart felt..

 

You are doing great BTW... and your insight and wisdom... is becoming impressive....

 

Thx PW

[ilmw]

I'm sorry to hear ilmw.

 

Buddy, you hang in there.

You've been a pillar of strength, its ok to fall.

I think everyone who has posted so far offer you that hand up for what is worth.

 

Thx Do3...

 

Its not the best news, but you know what, it is tough, i make no drama of that. I'm sure I will be there come time for me as well. I hear ya buddy.

 

The strange thing is that no one knows what is around the corner. You've said it to me, so have a lot of people.

You've got the right attitude, and I'm sure you'll ride this out as every other time. Weather is pretty messed up, but it will clear again.

If anything I know it will.

 

I hear yeah...thanks for reminding me...

 

Hell, when I get my stuff sorted out and I move into my own place early next year.

I offer to you the lodging of a humble Sydney sider. Come see how the other side of the world lives !

 

Its not much, but I offer my hand to brace yourself up.

 

Take care mate ...

 

Cool... thank you again:D

[Gunny376]

Thanks gunny

 

 

 

Thanks again..., I normally read all of LJ's posts... must have missed some.. could you give me a link... please:) ????

 

muchos gracies munchacho...?

 

( i can barley speak the queens english... so my spanish is gonna be worse)

 

In my own marriage, my husband has said damn near every word to me that Mum's has said to her..."I'm done. There's no hope. There's no point in going to counseling. I love you but I'm not in love with you. I'm not attracted to you anymore. There's too much water under the bridge.... etc.etc.etc."

 

There's a scene in The Santa Clause where the little boy says to his step-father, "Have you ever seen a million dollars?" "No." "Well, just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist"

 

 

This is what I was referring to:

[ilmw]

This is what I was referring to:

Ahhh... gotcha...

 

Thx.

ilmw

[dgiirl]

BTW.. your avatar scares the crap out of me.... :lmao:

 

:lmao: you didnt watch The Nightmare before Christmas?? It's an awesome movie!