Getting Seperated...totally lost

[ilmw]

You are doing an execellent job ilmw! It's knowing when to ask and knowing not to push. It does sound like she's softening a little.

 

Thx dgiirl...

 

In regards to DW.. I still am not sure with her ??

 

I realy have to take it slow... but we shall see...?

[ilmw]

Well..

 

DW picked up the boys a little after 11am... She said yesterday she would come by and pick them up... as she wanted to go shopping...

 

I invited her in..(good manners) To be honest.. it seemed she expected it... not strange... but also... it felt comfortable.

 

She is in my apartment .. and I tell the boys to get ready... (before that I offered her a cup of tea... She declined as she wanted to get going...

 

We had a short conversation... about Christmas shopping.. she is going down to Buffalo to do some shopping for the kids... etc.. and is having trouble finding anyone to watch the dog... She hymed and hawed.... It realy seemed like she was waiting for me to say something..... I then offered to watch the boys at her place for the weekend... so the issue of our dog would be taken care off and the boys are watched too...

 

To my surprise.. she said..."if your ok with that...." I never imagined she would say that... Her level of comfort seems to be rising...

 

But ONCE AGAIN... not getting my hopes up...

 

During the conversation she told me also... that the our dog.. which she gave away to a work mate... just got killed ... hit by a car... "Damn"!!.. that hurt... I realy loved that dog.... she was the sweetest thing.. loved me to pieces... and always did as she was told... I then told her that my parents had just recently put down there sheppard they have had for 12 yrs... she was aging badly... and was in a lot of pain with her hips... etc.. Gezzz been a bad month for dogs in my family.... We kinda looked into each others eyes.. sad... very sad.

 

When I was talking to DW.. I caught myself touching her arm.... She did not react negatively...

 

I have to say.. we are interacting in a much more comfortable way... and we can smile when we talk to each other...

 

Geesh.... she even waved to me when she left with the boys...

 

As for the visit.... it went great... we had fun... we ate ... hung out... had some laughs...

 

I played with the little guys for nearly 3 hours SAt... play fighting... and other interactive stuff... I was friggen tired.... and that little monster... would not stop.... I had to get him to stop by "baking cookies"

 

S/son and I realy hit it off this weekend... no real "talking back issues" No poor me attitude... He did as he was told... we hung out after little guy went to bed.... It was awsome... and I still feel happy from it....

 

BTW... had on tight fitting T-shirt and jeans.... 60 push ups ever morning realy shows... Hair cut and Geled .. shaved... and smelling Gooood!

 

Ok... I'm on a High right now... so I'll stop writing... or I'll write a novel...

 

Take care all...

 

ilmw.

[PWSX3]

Hey bro pat yourself on the back you deserve it 100%!!!!!! (where is my thumbs up smilie?)

 

you know why you are noticing these things that are changing, because you are working on making yourself a better person and it's starting to show. It has nothing to do with your X or your kids, but you are feeling better about yourself so you are able to show that love to others.

 

Why do you think you are having fun with your kids that you didn't have before????? It's all because of how you are seeing things change in yourself.

 

I always wondered why woman/men after a separation finally get in shape, or start worrying about what they look like & until you go thru this you don't understand but now I do. You do it for yourself, to make yourself a better person it's not to make the other person see what they could have had or anything like that it's just for "YOU".

I am very proud of you and I hope I'll get to that place someday!

[ilmw]

Hey bro pat yourself on the back you deserve it 100%!!!!!! (where is my thumbs up smilie?)

 

you know why you are noticing these things that are changing, because you are working on making yourself a better person and it's starting to show. It has nothing to do with your X or your kids, but you are feeling better about yourself so you are able to show that love to others.

 

Why do you think you are having fun with your kids that you didn't have before????? It's all because of how you are seeing things change in yourself.

 

I always wondered why woman/men after a separation finally get in shape, or start worrying about what they look like & until you go thru this you don't understand but now I do. You do it for yourself, to make yourself a better person it's not to make the other person see what they could have had or anything like that it's just for "YOU".

I am very proud of you and I hope I'll get to that place someday!

 

Thx PW...

 

You made some good points there..

 

Its true... I find myself so much more laid back... in literally everything... Stuff happens around me.. and I just smile (not to idiotically)

 

I also find myself in a good mood most of the time... and if I am not... it does not take me long to get back into one... (or I can just come on here...

 

I mentioned in an earlier post... regarding dealing with an emotionally disturbed person... This poor fella was bipolar and manic depressive... angry then sad... bangging his beer bottle down... then crying... then apologising.. then repeated the cycle.. minus the beer bottle ... kinda got him to put it down... I took it in my stride.... no worries (except the necessary ones) The thing is... now that you mention it ... my attitude must be different.... because you should have seen the this fellas family members look at me.... when I was leaving and telling them he would be going to the hospital with no more fuss.... I guess it was a little bit of awe... and relief.. that I had talked to him the way I did.... and that he was gone for the night and getting some help... I just remembered this when I read your post and thought about things... and it made me smile...

 

I realy am a better person all around... and I realy get to feel it especially at work now ... that I am back in the public eye all the time...

 

As for the looking good stuff... (bonus marks there bud) Your so right... I truly believe that if you look good you feel good and that is real GOOD..

 

But it does not hurt to look like a million bucks when she is around... She has to notice... well actually she does notice as she has made nice comments in the past..

 

Anyway... I'm starting to blaber on again.... so I'll shut up..

[Antha]

Way to go, ilmw! In the last few days, I have read your thread from page 1 to 19. It's so encouraging to others (me) to see the enormous progress you've made already. I kept thinking while reading 'why can't my husband be like him?' You've seen in yourself what you need to change, and instead of disregarding them or blameshifting your issues as reactionary to someone else, you've really put the effort into YOU and becoming a better person for YOU.

 

I think your W is definitely seeing the changes you've made and that as long as you continue on this path, you have a very good chance to make her a very happy wife again.

 

Keep it up! You are an inspiration to others! (me)

[Gunny376]

Way to go, ilmw! In the last few days, I have read your thread from page 1 to 19. It's so encouraging to others (me) to see the enormous progress you've made already. I kept thinking while reading 'why can't my husband be like him?' You've seen in yourself what you need to change, and instead of disregarding them or blameshifting your issues as reactionary to someone else, you've really put the effort into YOU and becoming a better person for YOU.

 

I think your W is definitely seeing the changes you've made and that as long as you continue on this path, you have a very good chance to make her a very happy wife again.

 

Keep it up! You are an inspiration to others! (me)

 

Yep! He was a mess when he first came here and we first found him! A wino laying in the ditch, snorting coke!

 

But, seriously ilmw is a freaking walking ~ living poster child about attitude and how important it is in all of this process! How you can take a negative and turn it into a positive. About how the choice is in our hands as to one's destiny. About perspective and choosing how to perceive things and ones situation! About choosing how to respond and react. About turning a negative and a potentially life alternating event into a postive. That there is life after all of this and that most of what happens to you lies in the choices that you make and in the decisions that you make. About realizing that we're each a work in progress. About taking the pain and turning it into a gain! Growing, learning from the experince! Chossing to learn and to grow from the expeirence, rather than wallow in self defeating thinking. Its crossing that razor thin line between self pity and doubt ~ and saying "No!" I'm bigger than that! I'm better than that! I'm a better person and will become a bigger and better person for it, and because of it!

[Gunny376]

"You believe a man can shape his own destiny?!"

 

"I believe a man must do what he can until his destiny is revealed to him!"

 

ilmw chose the "high road" the hard road of wait and see, of riding this "white knuckled" steel mare bitch of a ride to the end. Its hard! Its all day hard! Its like a hard candy Christmas! (For those that don't understand, during the Great Depression in the South ~ all kids got was a hard rock candy cane for XMAS or an orange or a apple! Thus ~ hard times)

 

Keep the faith Brother! Keep the faith!

[Lor]

I always wondered why woman/men after a separation finally get in shape, or start worrying about what they look like & until you go thru this you don't understand but now I do.

 

One of the questions here is why not do it before the s/d? cuz we all think that our SO is happy with us no matter how many pounds we put on, that we don't bother to do our hair, wear ratty old sweatsuits around the house, that we haven't showered in 2 days....you wouldn't do that dating someone but its perfectly acceptable to do it once your M? Nope....gotta keep "dating" all thru M.

 

Ilmw, good call on the dinner date and everything else....slow and easy, no hurry and no harm, no foul.

[ilmw]

This past few posts made my head swell just a little bit..

 

Its great to have affirmation from those who you would seek advice from..

 

This has got to be the hardest time of my life... but the calmness i feel... sometimes feels unreal... Its not always that way.... I crumble here or there... but I tend to recover.. much faster.

 

One of the biggest relisations that I found that helps me cope... is this... you can't do anything about it realy... so stop worrying about them... and worry about what you can do.... This also leaks into other aspects of my life.. like work... etc... It has made a big impact on my attitude and work habits... It realy has unburdened allot of stress... and I do feel 10lbs lighter for it... (that chip on my shoulder was giving me a back strain) :lmao:

 

Last Night I called to say good night to the boys.. Little guy had already fallen asleep.. was up again early... S/son was not very responsive... I find he is like this... if he has friends over... Just notices that trend last night... He then "tells me that he needs to be droppd back off at his mom's place Satuday.. as he is having a sleep over. I said to him... as far as I knew... he was spending the entire weekend...at my place.... I got a little ticked off... as this has happened before... He then said "Mom said so"... I then asked to speak with DW.. as I know that was a bunch of $^%. DW gets back on the phone... and we discussed what s/son had been saying... She advised me... that she had not said that (I know she didn't) S/son is only hearing what he wants to hear.... and changing things in his mind... With that boy... you say maybe to something... and all of a sudden it is a promise...

 

So... DW tells me she will talk to s/son... and she also apologised for not discussing it with me before she said anything with s/son.

 

I got off the phone.... and thought to myself... did I sound angry.. Because I wasn't realy.. just disappointed... as I got tied up with calls I could not phone back.... Later... much later... I tried to text message DW so she would have the message when she woke up... I told her that I was sorry if I came across as angry.. because I was not and that I was just disappointed... (360') In the past... I would get angry over the phone.. (more frustrated than anything) and stew over it. I thought it would be best to clear the air.. incase there was any miscommunication regading feelings... I was not very good at that before.. although I did tell my DW in the past that I hatted talking on the phone... because it is so easy to miscommunicate... as you can't see each other.. etc..

 

Well I could not text her... friggen message would not go through... I though oh well... At least the message would not be taken the wrong way if she does not get it..

 

At about 620am this morning she calls me and let me know that she had spoken with s/son... and he promised that next time I had them for the weekend he would not make other plans... (I said good enough) I then told her that I had tried to T/M her last night... etc.. and that I did not want her to feel that I was angry at her.... and not to pressure s/son into coming.... (prior to this ... her first words were... Oh what are you doing awake... :lmao: .. I was at work... and she knew it..

 

This recent rash of communication has been quite positive... I have found she has become much more comfortable with speaking with me... she even told me what her schedule was for her trip down to Buffalo NY. Before she would have just said she was going and she would be back at (whenever).

 

THe other day she was stuck at work... she tried to call the neighbours and local friends to pick up the little guy... from daycare. Noone was available... she was stuck.... she then called her "partner" from work. He was off duty.. She asked him if he could pick up the little guy. He did and dropped him off at DW's house.. so s/son could watch him... She told me this so that I did not "freak out" if s/son or S5 told me that some guy dropped him off... I told her I would not have freak out... and that I was fine with that... she asked if I was ok,,, and I said yes... She then said.. no your not... I can tell that this buggs you... I know you to well... (I guess my voice must have changed) Yes my hackles did raise a little when she told me this.. but.. I put it down to the male protective instinct..

 

The point of this... well there is a point and a question.

 

You darn women and all your sutle communication skills... How she could read me from a slight change in my voice is simply amazing.. When she said this.. I chuckled and that slight feeling of (protectionism) washed away...

 

The question... why would she be conserned about what I thought... if this was truly over....? In past relationships I have had.... The ex's did not give 2 rats arses if what ever they were doing ... ripped my heart out...

 

Oh well.. "not going to worry about it".. Just a curious...

 

Once again.... thx for the posts.... they made me laugh and smile... and think I'm pretty "s*it hot" :lmao: Keep it coming.. I can lap it up all day long..

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Sorry, but all I see here, (sitting here in Alabama ~ and with the scene of the crime happening in Canukville) is the parenting structure and relationship evolving. Its entierly possible that the DW is starting to coming around ~and I'm not discounting that at all! Not only does it now lay within the realm of possibility ~ but the realm of probability. Thing is that with the DW also being in law enforcement ~ I believe she's very much from the "Show Me" State of Missouri.

 

Having been in law enforcement, and having been married to you all of these years, her BS detector is better than NORAD's radar.

 

I'm throwing this out as a consideration for you, not telling you to do it. Just something to add to your "skill set" Become un--predicatable.

(But under NO circumstances when it comes to the children ~ but with her)

 

The best way I can describe this concept is as if you were dating a woman. For instance ~ if she does something nice ~ spank her! If she does something bad ~ kiss her. If you go to a resturant, and she says "Do you want to sit here?" Tell her "No, let sit over here." For everytime you've said yes the last two times to anything, as a general rule say no! If she tells you to come over ~ tell her "No, I'm busy! You come over to my place!"

 

This isn't some Mickey Mouse mind-game you're playing, its actually a very strategic and tactical move of keeping the oppossing force un-balanced. They do "A" and expect you to react using "B" but you pull "X" "Y" and "Z" out of the box on their azz!

[dgiirl]

The question... why would she be conserned about what I thought... if this was truly over....? In past relationships I have had.... The ex's did not give 2 rats arses if what ever they were doing ... ripped my heart out...

 

In these circumstances, I think she's just trying to keep good communication for the sake of the kids. When you two are on civil terms, looking out for one another, making sure noone's upset, then it makes things easier to manage. If she didnt care about your feelings towards her new partner in respect of your kids, you can easily build up a lot of resentment and anger, and communication can go out the window. It's in her advantage to keep you as happy as possible so that she can get as much as she wants too.

 

As for ex's going crazy. Not all women are like that I was always completely civil towards my exh. Many times people told me to throw his stuff out onto the front lawn and do other crazy things. But that takes away my own self respect. You married this woman as opposed to your other ex's for a reason, right? Probably because she does have some class.

 

 

Once again.... thx for the posts.... they made me laugh and smile... and think I'm pretty "s*it hot" :lmao: Keep it coming.. I can lap it up all day long..

 

Hot? hell ya!... but "**** hot"? what's that? lol

[ilmw]

In these circumstances, I think she's just trying to keep good communication for the sake of the kids. When you two are on civil terms, looking out for one another, making sure noone's upset, then it makes things easier to manage. If she didnt care about your feelings towards her new partner in respect of your kids, you can easily build up a lot of resentment and anger, and communication can go out the window. It's in her advantage to keep you as happy as possible so that she can get as much as she wants too.

 

The partner.. (as in 2 cops in the same car)

 

Not the other kind of partner... I still got my hackles up for a second:o

 

As for her getting more... unlikly... she could have realy screwed me for childcare.. but kept it out of court... and asked for way less than she could get.... because of my income... She said that would not be fair.. and she did not need that much from me... thought it was rediculous. Besides she makes the same as I do...

 

When we sold the house it went 50/50 so... she can't go for more.... cause its already done...

 

I know it may seem that I am building myself up for a fall here... and I can see this too... It is impossible to explain the subtle differences I am noticing.. It is in her tone of voice... they way she stands when she is near me.. (not so stand offish) I see this.... because of how she was before... months ago...

 

Another difference is this... just recently ... I'd say this past month... she has been taking jabes at me... poking fun. Ie: calling me a dumb arse.. when I do something silly... (last night i called to say good night to the boys... ) she asked if she could call me back in 5 mins... I waited and about 40 mins later I called her back again and said "that was a long 5 mins" "haha" she said she did call back and was waiting for me to call back so she could go to bed.... after I got of the phone I noticed I had a voice mail waiting on my phone.. which I had not noticed... it was her message which was exactly 5 mins after I had originally called her... oops.

 

This morning on my way home from work.... I called to say hi to little guy as he was asleep last night... and I have not been able to talk to him... for several days... after I spoke with him... I talk briefly with DW.... i apologised for making the comment last night... because I had actually received her voicemail... she laughed and called me a dumb arse... (with humor in her voice)

 

Stuff like this is what is differnent... She used to talk like this before the split.... after the split.. I was lucky to get much out of her... and when I did it was very "professional" and little humor...

 

I do not get my hopes up.... but I do pray everynight for her to open up her heart to me...

 

I have ....from the day I got my head around this situation.. and realised I could not change her mind.. and should prepare myself emmotionaly for a divorce, but, still to this day... about 8 months on.... the "D" word has not been mentioned...

 

Hope that clearend that up...

ilmw

[dgiirl]

oops, my bad... misunderstood when you said partner... (eek she's a woman in blue?? she must be hot too

 

But I still think it's in her advantage to keep you both on good terms. Not just financially regarding towards a divorce. But also after the divorce. Meetings with kids, exchanging days without much of a hassle, doing favours for one another. Everyone wins when people act as civil and caring as possible. The altnerative is to keep score who does what and have a pissing contest over trivial things.

 

It took you guys a while to get to where you were, so 8 months is a piece of cake. It does sound like things are going well for you tho.

[ilmw]

oops, my bad... misunderstood when you said partner... (eek she's a woman in blue?? she must be hot too

 

But I still think it's in her advantage to keep you both on good terms. Not just financially regarding towards a divorce. But also after the divorce. Meetings with kids, exchanging days without much of a hassle, doing favours for one another. Everyone wins when people act as civil and caring as possible. The altnerative is to keep score who does what and have a pissing contest over trivial things.

 

It took you guys a while to get to where you were, so 8 months is a piece of cake. It does sound like things are going well for you tho.

 

Yeah she is hot... I have a thing for ladies in uniform... probably goes back to my army days... when sometimes that only woman I saw were in uniform... ahahahahah:lmao: :lmao:

 

I totally agree on the other points you made about getting along for the kids sake..

 

What do they say.. it takes how long for every month of marriage... it takes x (amount of time) for forgivness... or am I imagining things.. Like I said in another post I just did... I need more sleep:lmao: ... ..

ilmw

[ilmw]

Now.. I realy don't want to read into this...but??

 

My DW went to Buffalo for the weekend.. to do some Christmas shopping... and I guess to have a weekend away from the kids... probably the first real one she has had since I moved out in August..

 

Here is the thing... she called on her cell phone a couple of times... Normally she would txt message.. asking questions... etc... but today she called asking about s/sons shoe size... as she had found some realy good shoes at a bargain price... Umm she purchases all his cloths... and shoes... and has done for years... she only just bought him the ones he is wearing a nonth or so ago. She did not ask to speak with the kids..??

 

No real big deal... just strange...that she would call from the states...

 

Oh well... must be gettin tired.. if I am posting about this stuff.... :lmao:

 

Had along day with the boys...

 

Good night all

ilmw

[Antha]

Damn, ilmw. I don't want to feed your expectations or get your hopes up but...well, that is really odd. Even before you pointed out that she should know the sizes, I was thinking "Don't the kids live with her? Doesn't she know these things?"

 

It does sound like an excuse to talk to you and hear your voice. Maybe she is just missing you. Who knows? I really hope it is more and I'll let me get my hopes up FOR YOU. You just keep playing it how you have been.

 

Antha

[ilmw]

Damn, ilmw. I don't want to feed your expectations or get your hopes up but...well, that is really odd. Even before you pointed out that she should know the sizes, I was thinking "Don't the kids live with her? Doesn't she know these things?"

 

It does sound like an excuse to talk to you and hear your voice. Maybe she is just missing you. Who knows? I really hope it is more and I'll let me get my hopes up FOR YOU. You just keep playing it how you have been.

 

Antha

 

Thx Antha...

 

I do not want to get my hopes up... but things that are a "marked departure from the norm".. realy get my attention.. It is hard not to start reading into things.. but I force myself not to... ( )

 

Tonight, I droped off my little guy.. On the way over DW called my on my cell and asked if I could pick up some milk... as she was already home and changed into her PJ's.. I told her no problem...

 

When I got over there she told me all about the great deals she had found.. and had spent so much less than she expected as it was US Thanksgiving and the sales were everywhere....

 

While she was telling me she hit my arms lightly atleast twice... (no real big deal).. but it was the first physical contact she has made since August... (another marked departure from the norm)

 

We talked for over 20mins... and it was mainly smiles and eye contact... I then left. I always expect to stay less time.. and seem to stay longer. I guess it is the opposite of getting your hopes up..

 

Had a great time with the boys.. although s/son was rather rude on Saturday... S5 was sick... I took them to the store.. to get some medicine.. while going to the pharmacy section of the store.. S5 tells me "dad I'm gonna be sick"... I took him to the bathroom.. and he threw up twice... Before going into the bathroom... I told s/son to stay put with the cart... and we would be right back.... I get back out..carrying s5.. and s/son is no where to be seen... So I carried s5 to the pharmacy... get the meds for his chest cough.. and tummy problems.. and chap lips.. I then went back to where I had left s/son. Still no sign of him... So I go looking for him.... Walked maybe half through the store... carrying s5.. Then out of no where... s/son appears.. walking with the cart down some eisle. I asked him where he had been. He tells me waiting for me. I told him I had looked for him where I had left him more than 3 times... etc.. He said he was there. This got me upset... as he was not telling the truth. Normally I would let something like this slide.. but today... he knew his little brother was sick... and had to throw up. I needed the cart to put him in so we could go grab some stuff for supper. He started to pull attitude on me... and when I said something like you expect me to get you things (he had asked prior if I would get him a new pencil case) He replied with a serious face "Yes"... I almost lost it.... I was furious... soon as we left the store... I cut the visit with him short and took him home. If I had him any longer... I would have said something that I would have regreted.. I was just so angry.. for that and his disregard for his little brother...

 

Now here is my problem... I think I should let my DW know what had happened... but am not sure how to go about it... she thinks everything is great between s/son and I... (well they normally are .. but he went to far this time)(There was more to the story but I just gave the real pissers!!)

 

I have not told her some of the things he has pulled in the past... as I did not think she needed to hear about it... and I did not need her to think I had to run to her every/any time I had a problem with s/son.

 

But she should here about this... I guess I will tell her tommorow.. give her a call or something...

 

I guess my worry is... that any problems that might arrise between s/son and I could go against a reconcilation... (sounds silly... but it has crossed my mind) but I will not be taken for a sucker from s/son either.. He must see he can't get away with this kind of behaviour... or attitude. It seems lately.. as there is 2 households.. that he thinks there are 2 different sets of rules.. (nooo)

 

I guess the more I am writing... the more I see I am giving myself the answer.. and reminding myself.. of what DW and I have said about the boys... All through this... mess... we have had pretty good communication about the kids... (I guess it seems I have been letting my side of the equation down.. )

 

Well thats settled... I let her know tommorow... No worries.. I'll do it in the style of the new calm me...

 

Geezz.. this place is great eh... I don't even need a responce to this post... and I have my answer... :lmao:

 

Take care all..

 

Ilmw

[PWSX3]

 

Now here is my problem... I think I should let my DW know what had happened... but am not sure how to go about it... she thinks everything is great between s/son and I... (well they normally are .. but he went to far this time)(There was more to the story but I just gave the real pissers!!)

 

I have not told her some of the things he has pulled in the past... as I did not think she needed to hear about it... and I did not need her to think I had to run to her every/any time I had a problem with s/son.

 

But she should here about this... I guess I will tell her tommorow.. give her a call or something...

 

I guess my worry is... that any problems that might arrise between s/son and I could go against a reconcilation... (sounds silly... but it has crossed my mind) but I will not be taken for a sucker from s/son either.. He must see he can't get away with this kind of behaviour... or attitude. It seems lately.. as there is 2 households.. that he thinks there are 2 different sets of rules.. (nooo)

 

I guess the more I am writing... the more I see I am giving myself the answer.. and reminding myself.. of what DW and I have said about the boys... All through this... mess... we have had pretty good communication about the kids... (I guess it seems I have been letting my side of the equation down.. )

 

Well thats settled... I let her know tommorow... No worries.. I'll do it in the style of the new calm me...

 

Geezz.. this place is great eh... I don't even need a responce to this post... and I have my answer... :lmao:

 

Take care all..

 

Ilmw

I have ran into something that was kind of like this with my son. I got mad at him over the phone and said something I shouldn't have said.

What I did was set down and just talk to him at the table later that evening when I had a clearer head.

Maybe just setting down with him and talking to him and letting him know how you felt and why you got so mad might help I don't know.

In my reading today it talked about us as adults don't take into consideration what maybe the child is thinking and we need to aske them there side of the story.

 

Is there a chance maybe he was just down another isle and you didn't notice him? If you are like me I would have yelled his name a couple times so if he was down another isle he would have heard me. LOL

 

I have faith in you and that you will be able to work things out in such a way that you won't say something you will regret later. Don't feel bad about getting angery with your S/son, getting angery is O.K. Now that you have thought about it you already know what you need to do and what you will say.

 

GOOD LUCK!!

[ilmw]

I have ran into something that was kind of like this with my son. I got mad at him over the phone and said something I shouldn't have said.

What I did was set down and just talk to him at the table later that evening when I had a clearer head.

Maybe just setting down with him and talking to him and letting him know how you felt and why you got so mad might help I don't know.

In my reading today it talked about us as adults don't take into consideration what maybe the child is thinking and we need to aske them there side of the story.

 

Is there a chance maybe he was just down another isle and you didn't notice him? If you are like me I would have yelled his name a couple times so if he was down another isle he would have heard me. LOL

 

I have faith in you and that you will be able to work things out in such a way that you won't say something you will regret later. Don't feel bad about getting angery with your S/son, getting angery is O.K. Now that you have thought about it you already know what you need to do and what you will say.

 

GOOD LUCK!!

 

Hi PW..

 

Thx for the pointers.... tried it ... sometimes works... s/son is at times very non responsive. I realise he is going through hard times emotionally and he is at that age 12 - 13 in Dec... so he is dealing with all those changes...

 

As for being down another eisle... no... he wondered off... after being told to stay put... as I needed the cart to push his little brother around... he knew his brother was ill... but seemed not to care... (that bothers me)

 

I need to express this to DW today

 

Take care

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Hi PW..

 

Thx for the pointers.... tried it ... sometimes works... s/son is at times very non responsive. I realise he is going through hard times emotionally and he is at that age 12 - 13 in Dec... so he is dealing with all those changes...

 

Take care

ilmw

Just thought I would ask because you never know, something that seems easy for one person can be harder for someone else to see, I'm learning that part now myself so I figured it didn't hurt to ask.

 

I think it's awsome that she is starting to at least show a little interest. Sure it's hard to not to think little things might change what is happening but if you don't have hope or look forward to something good to come out of this then there is no reason to try I don't think. You always have to hold onto that hope of things will change or get better or she will see the new you.

 

I know you have pointed out to me that I need to work on my patience and you have been a great example of what that will bring you.

 

I wish you the best and she doesn't know it yet, but she will be so happy to be with the new ilmw!!!!!

[ilmw]

Just thought I would ask because you never know, something that seems easy for one person can be harder for someone else to see, I'm learning that part now myself so I figured it didn't hurt to ask.

 

I think it's awsome that she is starting to at least show a little interest. Sure it's hard to not to think little things might change what is happening but if you don't have hope or look forward to something good to come out of this then there is no reason to try I don't think. You always have to hold onto that hope of things will change or get better or she will see the new you.

 

I know you have pointed out to me that I need to work on my patience and you have been a great example of what that will bring you.

 

I wish you the best and she doesn't know it yet, but she will be so happy to be with the new ilmw!!!!!

 

Thx PW..

 

Well I called the DW and let her know what had happened with s/son. She told me she had hurd s/son's version already. She was glad to hear an "adult version". She then went onto to say she could and would not get in the middle and be a referee. She stated she had done this for years during the relationship... I replied that it should never have been him, me and her in the middle.. should have been us...together.

 

She then was about to say something... and stopped... i asked her to go ahead and say what she was going to say. She would not continue.. (I think it was relationship related).... The conversation stareted to get a little weird so I tried to back out of that... not wanting to push the issue.

 

I tried to explain the reason I was calling now and not before was that I did not want to burden her with this stuff when she was out of town... and could not do anything about it anyway.. plus I did not want to put a damper on her "getting away".

 

I think she got the message... but am not 100% sure..

 

Any time a conversation hovers around our relationship she does not want to go there. This is fine.. but sometimes it can't be helped as it is relavant to what is going on with s/son.

 

At the end of it.. we agreed that we were on the same page...

 

I then pulled a dumb one and invited her and the kids out to dinner... she replied that she had pulled stuff out for meatloaf.... but if I wanted to I could take the kids out.. she did not want to go... I quickly responded that if she was already going to do meatloaf... not to worry about it.... I then pulled another dumb one... and said "you make the best meatloaf" "arn't you going to invite me over for some"... She said "No"

 

Ahhh... I knew better than that... but ... still did it... Well atleast I laughed and said ok... I think I got off the phone with 99.9% of my dignity.. still intact....

 

Don't think I'll pull that crap again for awhile... Gotta give her some breathing space... so I am not perceived as pursuing her again....

 

Geeeez this is hard.... but Its worth the effort.

 

Thx again all for the affirmations and good wishes.... right back at you all.

 

ilmw

[ilmw]

Well...more news from "marked departure from the norm"

 

This morning I was woken at 7:30am by a txt message from DW. She told me she had a small pocket calander from her work.. and said as she knew I like them would I like it. I did not respond until about 10am

 

I said yes I would like it... as they are very handy for work and shedules.

 

She is going to drop it off when she drops of our little guy on Sunday afternoon. She is driving to go pick up her mother.. who I guess will be staying with her for a little while.

 

I know this is such a petty little thing.. and even reading over what I have writen I sounds very grade schoolish...but it realy surprised me..

 

I still shake my head and think WTF....??

 

BTW how is everyone doing...

[PWSX3]

BTW how is everyone doing...

Doing great here, just trying to stay warm it was 1 degree this morning

Suppose to warm up to a big 15 degrees today!!!!!:laugh:

[ilmw]

Just got an email from my brother...

 

My father has just left my step mother out in BC.. for some woman apparently down in Washingtion state...

 

This will be his 3rd marriage...gone down the tubes...

 

I actually have negative respect for the (person) cause he is NO man....

 

I emailed my step mother... (whom I barely know) and offered my sympathy... and knocked my dad a little to try and make her feel a little better... (must come as a shock to her... her step sons siding with her.. )

 

Wow... he is a real piece of work...

 

On a side note..

 

I have my little guy for the next couple of nights...DW went to her moms yesterday... dropping off son otw... She looked amazing..(sigh) I commented that I liked her shirt... she mentioned she picked it up in Buffalo.. she then told me she liked my shirt too...

 

She then carried in my sons bags.. I of course grabbed the biggest one from her...

 

It was a short visit... but a very nice one... (I still don't know where her mind is at.... but.. as stated before.... not going to push her)

 

She called me on my cell this morning to see if I got our son off to school ok.. .. Once again calling long distance..

 

Nothing makes much sence in all of this.... but... she has to figure things out.... I know I was distant emotionally for some time... but... I am so not like that anymore.... I am hoping she does see this... and will eventually open her self up again... (time will tell)

 

When I was driving back from dropping my son off at school... I had a deep though....

 

When my DW told me she wanted out... and the thought of losing her and my boys... I actually thought my soul was torn apart... It was the most emmotionally painful thing that I have ever experienced...

 

I felt that hooks had dug into my soul and ripped it apart.... I am after several months feeling hole again... but I am not the same person that I once was.... (the bad ilmw) or the guy DW feel in love with.. I feel the difference.... I guess it is a new found strength... and outlook on life... I realy feel good/great about me... The little things that used to bug me... and fester... are like small flys that I can just wave my hands and they are gone... and soon forgotten....

 

I only takes a few deep breaths... and I am better.. Even when I get down.. cause a memory or whatever sideswipes me.... I just start praying... and I calm down... and feel warm inside.... If anyone has been following this saga... or even knew me before... that is (totaly amazing.. )

 

Tommorow.. I have to get together with DW and drop off sons bag... from his stay with me... I could have dropped it off today or later... but she suggested she come by or I go over there... to do it... (she asked my plans for Tuesday)

 

Can you folks see why I might read into some of this stuff???? ( I fight the urge.... and just calmly wait and see what comes of it... ) I find this keeps expectation down... and lessons the chance of getting hurt...

 

Well thats enough of that...

 

Take care all

ilmw

[Antha]

Patience is a virtue, isn't it, ilmw? You are still doing good, and although nobody on this board knows you personally (I assume), I believe I speak for anyone following this thread: very proud of you.

 

I just keep hoping one of these days to read that your W is seeing all the good changes, and that you truly are different now (see, I'm allowed to hope for you ). Just keep doing what you are doing and be proud of yourself for your positive changes. If she sees them, great (and I can do a happy dance for you). If she doesn't, then you can still be proud of yourself for seeing changes that ought to be made and making them.

 

Typing can often be misinterpreted, but not in your case. It's pretty easy to read and see that you are growing...and these are just words on a screen, so I imagine she HAS to see the changes. Be consistent and continue on your path. I know good things are in store for you.

 

Antha