EnigmaXOXO Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Now I have a question for you all.......... I recently ended a relationship that may have had a future... The reason was that my friend told me she was uncomfortable with my not being divorced, that I had not filed yet and had no intention at this time to do it. I told her that she knows my feelings regarding divorce and that I have been honest , up front and told her I also have no intention of ever taking my X back... What are you views on the subject? .... Sorry for rambling.... You certainly can't fault her considering all the mixed signals you're sending. A lot of people would have done the same. On one hand you tell her you have no intentions of ever taking your wife back … but than say you have no intentions to file for a divorce at this time. So which is it??? You still seem rather indecisive about where you see the rest of your life going. You have one foot in the marriage and one foot out and are afraid to get off the fence. Sorry to say … so long as you're content to remain in Limbo Land you won't find many quality women who'll be willing to put all their options on hold to wait you out. Until you're finally at the place where you're willing to let go of the relationship/marriage you're already in … and learn to become a whole and happy person on your own … you really don't have much of value to bring to someone else's table. You're simply not ready for another relationship yet, and your friend is keen enough to know it. The kindest and most humane thing you can do for your friend is allow her to cut herself loose from your marriage (even if you can't) so that she can find the kind of relationship partner and/or equal she truly deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 CC, I agree with EnigmaXOXO's answer. I wouldn't be able to take a man seriously in a relationship if the divorce papers weren't signed (or at least in the making). And I would never put up with his ex staying at his place for any reason. Let this gal go find someone who is ready to have a serious committed relationship. ilmw, How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Yeah you're right and I have done the honorable thing, I have left the relationship. Just that at this time in my life, I have, I thought, very good reasons for not filling and maybe in a way I'm still holding onto something that is dead, I didn't think so but maybe I am. I'm not anywhere near ready for a serious committment, I'd like to be with someone exclusively but as far as picking china or moving in, that's not in my plans and I have made that perfectly clear all along so it's not as if I'm leading anyone on. Maybe it's simply an easy way out for someone by using that excuse, or maybe an easy way for me to leave something if I have the " I'm still married" sign.... Who knows..... Confusion confusion confusion...... CC Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 I'm not anywhere near ready for a serious committment, I'd like to be with someone exclusively but as far as picking china or moving in, that's not in my plans and I have made that perfectly clear all along so it's not as if I'm leading anyone on. And I'm sure she appreciates your honesty by being upfront about that. No matter how disappointed she might feel in retrospect. But you also have to remember that you are (by all intensive purposes) unavailable. It will affect even your casual dating relationships. It's not just about moving in with someone and picking out china. You can't be "exclusive" with anyone so long as your marriage and wife remain inclusive. BTW … You also can't continue to refer to your wife as an "ex" so long as she still remains your "wife." That one won't wash with gals who have half a brain. Maybe it's simply an easy way out for someone by using that excuse, or maybe an easy way for me to leave something if I have the " I'm still married" sign.... Who knows..... You don't need to wear any "sign" … You ARE "still married." Nope. It's not a bad dream or just a figment of your imagination. :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 I agree with Enigma actually I recently met a man who seemed very interesting. However, as I got to know him more, I found out he's been separated from his wife for 12 years now and has yet to file for divorce. He also has a girlfriend. He kept refering to his wife since he is still friends with her (no kids) and his girlfriend and it was very confusing. CC, if you are not ready to file for divorce, then I dont think you're ready to date. I respect the fact that you've been totally upfront, but like Enigma said, I dont think you'll find very much quality women who will put up with that situation. Why dont you just go out and socialize with people in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 ILMW, I know the holding pattern you are in, I undertand it I was there remember.... I was forced to move on, not willingly originally but was forced to all the same, You hang in for as long as you feel comfortable, you are doing such a great job with the boys and there is nothing wrong with that , let me tell you I KNOW ! ! ! CC. Thx CC... I know it seems I am hung up on DW... and in some ways I still am... I don't hang onto her words like I used to... or have any expectations. The thing that I believe is getting to me is.... The mixed signals.... Back in early January... she became quite cold... negative towards me... (kinda because I fell of the wagon... and started questioning her) Back then the D word was brought up.... her filling for separation etc... Very negative things... Well it is now March.... still not been served papers... Are interaction has been much more positive... She started sending me emails (funny ones) again.... For over a month.... there was nothing.... When we talk on the phone.... she sounds happy to hear me... When she initially answers the phone... she sounds grumpy.. once she realises it is me... She sounds instantly happy... you can hear the smile...??? Also.... her call to me... apologising.. the raw emotion in her voice... it was the truth... (she also... told me without me even thinking or asking .. that her "friend" was just a friend..... like (she named to other male friends.. who I have known for several years... who help her out time to time) It was convincing.... and to be told by others... who know her... to be told the same thing... ("just friends").... also confuses me. DW's uncle met the friend on New Years Eve... Dw had lots of people over... he told me on the sly... that he did not have any indication the were remotely together... saw no signs... (he stated "like the one he saw when DW and I were together") I understand the concept of believing nothing what you hear, and 50% of what you see.... Well... I'm not sure at all what to believe...??? It is not holding me back... I'm not curled up in a tight little ball... balling on me bed... No...Nope.. Also...the concept of "Moving On".. although contemplated.... does not seem to be on the Books..... There is no way... I could even remotely be available for another relationship... not for along while... I still go out with friends from work... and none work friends.... I do keep myself busy... I also believe... that woman .... can "smell" when a man is hung up on another woman.... (it was made apparent in the past few posts to you) Yeah.... I'll totally admit it... who am I fooling... I'm still nuts about DW... I'm screwed.... It takes all the strength I can muster.. not to crumble when I see her.... I know all the does and don'ts.... I rehears what to say and ask before I see her... just so... I don't screw up... Its not walking on eggshells by any means.... I actually feel good... a little nervious but that is a good thing to...keeps you awake... I rehears what to say... because in the past...(when we were together)... I always thought "how nice she looked" and other things like that... or if she did something well... to say something. Well I often did not do this... would get distracted.... and then it would be to late... I now do this not just for DW but for the boys... and others... I think it is one of my positive changes.... I find it helps me express myself positively...makes others smile... and intern makes me feel good to. Anyhooo.... I still work at this daily.... most days are good..... some not so good... But.. the rate I recover now .... is amazingly fast. I am surviving... living... growing... and yes... I don't think I am going to give up... until it is truly done... As I said before... I am very VERY patient..... and I also still love her... So... once again... I'm screwed ... BTW.... CC... It must be brutal being in the same residence with xwife... feeling the way you do.. But it take a real gentalman to offer her a place to stay.... Well... I better shut up now... gotta hop in the shower.. and get ready... going to pick up s5 from Dw's after school. Byeeeeeeeeee ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 3, 2007 Author Share Posted March 3, 2007 Well here is what has been going on... I had the little guy Weds night... kept him home all day thurs from daycare... .. and Fri was a snow day... so I got to keep him all day again... DW had gone down to the city with her dad to help him out... he snow plows down there during the winter,... and she helps, to pay him back... for all the work he has done around her house. She called me Thurs night to let me know... and that she may not be home... in the morning when i was to drop off s5's things... She told me that it was storming pretty harsh down there. I then went out side about 15 mins later... and it was blowing hard... very nasty... mix of snow... rain.. terrible weather... So.. I called her... and told her to drive safe... she was just going into Walmart... to get some decent winter boots... I apologised for calling...but told her... I was concerned...she thanked...me and said she did not mind. The next morning she called...around 7am... letting me know that she was on her way back up. I heard her Dad talking in the background... and I asked her to say hi from me... she did ... and I heard him yell hi back.. Dw said that all of the school buses were cancelled in our area... so keep s5 home from school.... .... and could I bring him home for around 3:30pm... as she had been up for around 24hrs... I said "No problem" Anyway... around 3:30pm I dropped off s5. He got all moody and quite... half way to DW's house. He would not talk... anymore... he then said as soon as we arrived at the house... he wanted to live with me... and DW's house was "stupid" ... I said to him... that if mommy heard that ... she would be sad... because she loves him very, very much. So... I'm walking up the drive way...with s5's bags.. and out walks DW... she said "hello" with a big smile... She then said just put s5's things in the van... as she and s5 are going to her mom and dads overnight. She is going to help plan their renewal of vows in the summer. Her Uncle (the one who is my good friend is going to be there too) Anyway.... I go back to my car...and am about to pull away... when I see DW try to pull out of her driveway... but the plow had come by... and put a pile at the end... well... she got stuck. I got out of my car (i'm all dressed up...nice shoes...pants... leather jacket) I said to her... I'll push if you'd like.. she said please. I then pushed and guided her out... as soon as she broke lose... all kinds of slush shot up all over me... she laughed... but at the same time leaned out her window... and apologised... All I did...was smile and laugh... and tell her.. "you got out" .. She thanked me again.. As I followed her down the road.. she came to a stop sign... she stopped.. then leaned out her window...leaned around..and faced me, and waved back to me...with a smile. She then went her way... I went mine. Later on... I went over to my buddies place and we then went out for dinner with his 2 yr old daughter... it was nice... different... Again ... I went back around 8:30pm... and we shot the breeze over a couple of beers... We discussed some things... about how the job gets to you... and he thanked... me for letting him know he is not alone... I recommended he get a book I had read back in the summer... and he said he would... he mentioned allot of the things I went through... and i let him know... it can be.... changed... I did not pry... but I guessed that things may be... starting to change in his marriage.. and he is lucky enough to get a heads up. We have training every year.. one of the topics is Emotional Survival... It has greatly improved...and now is very direct and to the point. I wish.... we had this information the way it is delivered .. years ago... but ... thems tha breaks. All in all... an interesting day... ..... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 What the heck happened to John Wayne, looks like he ate to many pickles? ilmw, isn't good to be able to see more clearly? You were able to listen to your buddy & help him look at a situation differently & hopefully you got him working on something he needs to before it gets to bad. I can't say what will happen between you & the W, but I feel she is noticing a difference & that is all you can ask for right now. I hope you feel good every time you show that growth that you have been doing these last few months. After reading different situations here on LS it doesn't matter if it is the man or the woman but there are a LOT of people out there that just don't get it & some that will never get it & that's to bad. Good to hear you are doing so well & enjoying your time with s5 & showing him what a real dad is. Keep posting buddy because if it doesn't help you it sure helps me. Link to post Share on other sites
AHIWON Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 So ilmw, have you become an extremely good adviser on domestic disputes? Or at least keeping BOTH of them out of the crow bar hotel for the night. I'm guessin' the answer is YES! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 3, 2007 Author Share Posted March 3, 2007 So ilmw, have you become an extremely good adviser on domestic disputes? Or at least keeping BOTH of them out of the crow bar hotel for the night. I'm guessin' the answer is YES! Pardon?? Link to post Share on other sites
AHIWON Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Pardon?? I thought you were a street cop but I guess I was wrong. Not that kind of cop that does domestic calls. You'd kick ass at that. Mend the situation and nobody goes to jail. The miracle domestic cop or something. New kinda super hero. Now that I remember it I read earlier in the thread of you mentioning being an investigator. big difference. You don't see the front end of the fight....just the aftermath and reverse engineer it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 I thought you were a street cop but I guess I was wrong. Not that kind of cop that does domestic calls. You'd kick ass at that. Mend the situation and nobody goes to jail. The miracle domestic cop or something. New kinda super hero. Now that I remember it I read earlier in the thread of you mentioning being an investigator. big difference. You don't see the front end of the fight....just the aftermath and reverse engineer it. OK..... I gotcha Yup Im back on the road... did my time in the "suit" I deal with other peoples problems they have taken years to create... and they expect me to fix it for them there and then.... I deal with this pretty much on a daily basis.... I have seen some pretty horrible relationships... seen woman beaten by their husbands and then find out they are back together even before the matter is dealt with in court... I have learned that there are allot of "troubled people" out there (speaking politically correct ) The thing with Domestic Violence is ... it crosses all political, religious, geographical, and socio economical boundaries. Don't matter where you are from... someone has been arrested for this. Did I answer your question? ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 Well, let me tell you about my day... Ever drive through weather... were it was like having your windshield painted white.... Yup thats what it has been like today... ALL DAY :eek: I started doing accidents around 8:00am and finished around 7:30pm... We had to close 2 different highways cause of the weather... IT WAS A TRAFFIC NIGHTMARE:eek: Nearly got hit twice in a row... then later when I was out directing traffic... some bozo in a Big Rig... nearly dings me with his trailer as he drives by... and..... it is amazing how many people don't know there way around... they only know one way to get somewhere... and find the need to block traffic..... in a blizzard .....to ask for directions... from, Frosty the Snow Cop .. who is Freezing to death... trying to stop people driving into each other ... because the want to do a U-turn at a busy intersection..or insist on trying to get onto the road that has barricades blocking the road.. with the Large 4' x 5' Sign saying "Emergency - Road Closed - Police Order" Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!:laugh::laugh: Have to say... not going to forget today for along time... HORRIBLE.. Other than that.... it was ok So what did everyone else do. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 BTW... my avatar is Uncle O'Grimacey... from McDonalds.... Shamrock Shake fame... I used to love those as a kid........ Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 The thing with Domestic Violence is ... it crosses all political, religious, geographical, and socio economical boundaries. Don't matter where you are from... someone has been arrested for this. ilmw This is true ilmw! Very few people who meet my husband...upper middle class business man, very educated, well spoken...would ever expect that he would be an abusive toward me. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Well, let me tell you about my day... Ever drive through weather... were it was like having your windshield painted white.... Yup thats what it has been like today... ALL DAY :eek: I started doing accidents around 8:00am and finished around 7:30pm... We had to close 2 different highways cause of the weather... IT WAS A TRAFFIC NIGHTMARE:eek: Nearly got hit twice in a row... then later when I was out directing traffic... some bozo in a Big Rig... nearly dings me with his trailer as he drives by... and..... it is amazing how many people don't know there way around... they only know one way to get somewhere... and find the need to block traffic..... in a blizzard .....to ask for directions... from, Frosty the Snow Cop .. who is Freezing to death... trying to stop people driving into each other ... because the want to do a U-turn at a busy intersection..or insist on trying to get onto the road that has barricades blocking the road.. with the Large 4' x 5' Sign saying "Emergency - Road Closed - Police Order" Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!:laugh::laugh: Have to say... not going to forget today for along time... HORRIBLE.. Other than that.... it was ok So what did everyone else do. ilmw Lol...sounds awful, ilmw!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I wish I didn't work in an office, but other times am so grateful I do! Hope today goes better for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Well, let me tell you about my day... Ever drive through weather... were it was like having your windshield painted white.... Yup thats what it has been like today... ALL DAY :eek: I started doing accidents around 8:00am and finished around 7:30pm... We had to close 2 different highways cause of the weather... IT WAS A TRAFFIC NIGHTMARE:eek: Nearly got hit twice in a row... then later when I was out directing traffic... some bozo in a Big Rig... nearly dings me with his trailer as he drives by... and..... it is amazing how many people don't know there way around... they only know one way to get somewhere... and find the need to block traffic..... in a blizzard .....to ask for directions... from, Frosty the Snow Cop .. who is Freezing to death... trying to stop people driving into each other ... because the want to do a U-turn at a busy intersection..or insist on trying to get onto the road that has barricades blocking the road.. with the Large 4' x 5' Sign saying "Emergency - Road Closed - Police Order" Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!:laugh::laugh: Have to say... not going to forget today for along time... HORRIBLE.. Other than that.... it was ok So what did everyone else do. ilmw Sounds like nothing but a good time, wished I was there instead of sitting here drinking coffee in my comfy home, typing on the puter, listening to the radio. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 This is true ilmw! Very few people who meet my husband...upper middle class business man, very educated, well spoken...would ever expect that he would be an abusive toward me. Yeah... social status... can lull people into believing that others in that or above them (social status speaking of course:rolleyes:) Are not capable in doing naughty things... like smacking around there wife and kids.. etc. Funny things is... allot of people think that people because of their varying social status get treated different by the POLICE... well I can't speak for other places... but If I get word that some MAN.. has smacked, threatened etc... his wife...kids.. etc... I put him away.... Don't care if he shovels sh*t or is the friggen the Mayor.. I'll arrest his arse... and let him sit in the clink over night... and he can talk to the JP in the morning.. and tell him why he should be let out. I have zero tolerance for bullies... and I get to do something about it. Your lucky you don't live where I work... cause I may have already removed your problem awhile ago,,, BTW.... although yesterday... was terrible weather wise.... I had a good time... I had this elderly couple in the back of my car.. keeping them warm... the old fella asked me rather embarrassed.. could he go pee on the side of the road... as he had been having to go... for quite some time... I told him... It was ok... and I would not give him a ticket... Another thing... if you get yelled at or here a cop swear... it is probably because he has been standing in - 20'C with even lower wind chill... and his eyelashes are freezzing together....and people are not following his directions... that are simple ... like "Stop"... :lmao::lmao::lmao:!!! I did a lot of yelling towards the end of my shift... but also a lot of laughing too. I love being a smart arse with the public... (all in good fun of course) I'm normally pretty calm... even tempered... but yesterday... was almost a disaster.... lucky no one died on those roads.... cause there was very many close calls.. several head on's... jack-knifed tanker fuel truck... in the middle of a small town... that had the possibility of (exploding) Ahh... all in a days work ....:laugh::laugh: ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 God love ya, ILMW. What a tough job you have, and a bag 'o crap handed to you in your personal life... but still, you sound like such a stand-up guy. Bunnies for you! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 God love ya, ILMW. What a tough job you have, and a bag 'o crap handed to you in your personal life... but still, you sound like such a stand-up guy. Bunnies for you! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: Thank you LJ, Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Your lucky you don't live where I work... cause I may have already removed your problem awhile ago,,, Lol! You mean HE is lucky he doesn't live where you work. The problem is...as you know...we fear these guys and RARELY report them (is it usually the neighbors who call???). I never called 911 (wish I had!) and never filed an order for protection (wish I had done that too!). I feared it would make my life just so much worse than it already was.... Now I have found (duh!) that reasoning with a bully isn't very productive and that the 911 calls and order of protection would have made my life better instead of worse...hindsight is always 20/20. At least now I can refer him to my lawyer instead of dealing with him directly. Since I left, my "business man" has had his car towed, a speeding ticket, and has gone on a wild woman-finding vacation...I hope he gets a VD, and a DWI too (he loves to get wasted and drive)! Where are you when I need you, ilmw? I could have him followed! BTW, that POOR old man who asked you if he could pee on the side of the road! How humiliating! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 BTW, that POOR old man who asked you if he could pee on the side of the road! How humiliating! I was friendly to him... and had to let him out.. as the back doors don't open from the inside... I made the joke to lighten the mood.. They had rearended another car in the white outs... I made them laugh... and tried to keep their spirits up... cause.. it had been a really bad day from them... They were in my car for about an hour... while I'd hope out.... once and awhile.. to direct traffic.... then get back in to defrost... and I seriously mean defrost... Also... they didn't complain.. and made comments about some of the radio traffic... like (one of my colleagues.. getting stuck in a 3' snow drift trying to get to a stranded Coach.. in a ditch... ) and know one could help him.. until the plow came through... but could not for about an hour because of all the stopped traffic on the same road....:laugh::laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 Sounds like nothing but a good time, wished I was there instead of sitting here drinking coffee in my comfy home, typing on the puter, listening to the radio. ... I actually was given coffees from a passer by who had gone to the coffee shop near where I was doing traffic point.. also staff from the same store came out with coffees for may colleague and myself twice... When I was finally cleared and we opened up that part of the highway... I had cold cups of coffee in my car... :laugh::laugh: MMMMmmmmmMMMMM...gotta love cold coffee.... and the only radio I heard all day was the dispatcher... trying to send someone to another accident... She had a rough day too... It got so bad... that all the people who where on the annual training got called out... and also.. most of our court officers.. got called out to... IT WAS NUTS... But I'm glad you stayed warm and comfy... ...:laugh: ILMW:D Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Its pretty brisk and cold here in LA (Lower Alabama) the mercury's gotten up to 72 today, got to go find my sweater! Brrrrrrrrrrr! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 Its pretty brisk and cold here in LA (Lower Alabama) the mercury's gotten up to 72 today, got to go find my sweater! Brrrrrrrrrrr! I'll take snow storms over them Twisters...anyday... Link to post Share on other sites
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