Getting Seperated...totally lost

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

The DW called me the other day to tell me that my little guy was very upset.,, so I made an arrangement to take him and his brother out to the park and for some icecream.,,, that was nice and it made both of them very happy... until I took them home... and it was back to dad does not live here... I had to let my little guy confident that I would be back the next day to take him up to my mum and dads place...

 

Next day I show up with a bottle of wine and a massive bouque of flowers for the DW as a house warming gift. Brought some coffees as well for her and her parents...

 

I then took the boys up to my parents overnight... we had a great time hanging out.. canoeing and swimming in the river... (parents live in cottage country;) )

 

Took the boys back tonight.... basically dropped them off at the door step... was not invited in.... DW was friendly.... but it all happended so fast... like passing a football... It was awful... Little guy became very moody.. and would not give me a hug....goodbye. Same situation as when I left after I moved DW and kids into their new home... Made me feel like crap.... S/Son gave me atleast 5 hugs... sad if my S would not do it.. he would give them for him... .. that was nice.. this all happened in front of DW.

 

At this point she has her parents.. her niece and uncle staying with her.. helping... she is so busy entertaining and unpacking... she cannot have anytime to think of anything else......

 

But the look on her face when I left with the boys... was something I don't remember seeing before... and the way she hung in the driveway... was.... different...???

 

Bottom line is... this is horribly painful... and not just for me... I can see this... I just wish other people.. namely.. her mother would stop minimizing it..... "the kids will get used to it"..... Ummm... I still never got over my Dad leaving... still recent the Bas#tard.... for the coward that he is...

 

It scares the crap out of me that my boys will fell this way about me... when in fact... I want to be with them and their mother every day.. The missing them horribly stag... is already kicking in....

 

Thank god I was some what emotionally prepared for this.... or I would realy be a mess right now.

 

I realy need to work on getting a life... right now... have plans...but I realy need to get to work on it... or all my emotional and mental preparation will be for sh%t..... cause I am finding the actual seperation a lot more difficult than I expected.... and it has not even been a week yet.

 

Gonna buy me a guitar in the next couple of days... and learn me some tunes...( cat crying in the night... not a number one hit.. just the sound I will be making.... ... see not totally losing it:) )

 

Making plans for the weekend as the DW is taking her mom back home.. with the kids...etc... They will not be back until Sunday.... so I need to make myself busy..... I cannot and will not.. sit around and blubber.. in my Bacardi & coke...!

 

Right now I am renting a room in a work buddies house... and this sucks... my renting an apartment fell through... and I was lucky this was available... Need to get my own place... (NOW).. need my own space.. a place to make my own...

 

I feel right now I am at a true cross road in my life.... not in a hurry to decide what road to go down.... there will be a point though that I will now which path to take.... and so far in my life... my hunches have been right.... no gut feelings so far... so sitting tight... taking care of me... and letting my boys know... I am here for them.....

 

As I said before... I still feel there is a flicker although very tiny that my DW and I can reconcilate....are marriage... I will not dwell on it... I know if I do.... I will lose it... and truely set a piss poor example for my boys... I never was given an example on how to be a man... Christ... my only role model of how to be a man was when I was 16 yrs old and joined the British Army.... yeah hah... at that age I though it would be cool to kill the Queens enemys... Ummm...really:confused:

 

Now that I have got a clue what it means to be a man and... yes a father... I will do my best that those boys will have a fighting chance in there future relationships... something I have found I never had...... God I was clueless..... Hind sight eh.

 

Yes this is a big rant... obvious arn't I...

 

Thanks for reading this stuff... cause I do feel better now..... This place is great...

 

Once again.. thx to you all....

ilmw

[Gunny376]

You didn't have a 1/10th of the knowledge, experience, skill set that you needed when you got married? None of us did, and even with the pain of a separation, divorce, etc many of us still don't actively go out and get nor seek it.

 

You? You on the other hand have sought to identify your weaknesses and overcome them. As a man, a father, a husband, as an individual. You know now that this is a life long quest, and that the more you learn the more there is to learn. But, what you've yet to realize is that in the process of rolling that stone to the top of the mountain and all the time, effort, and energy that is requred to get it to the top, that once you've gotten it to the other side ~ it will snowball. With each second, and with each passing day you come closer to the top.

 

You've have already come to many crossdroads. And, you have chossen you path wisely. You've taken the higher road ~ the harder road. You may one day reconcile with your wife ~ and then again you might not. Your destiny has not been revealed to you yet, and all you can do is that which you can and that which you must until your destiny is revealed to you. That is all that any man can do.

 

I think in time that if you keep to "the way" that your wife will come to understand and appreciate the characther of man that you are, and how rare a man you truly are. A weaker man ~ a weaker minded man ~ would have chossen the less nobler path. A lesser man would have been crying, boo-hooing, whinning, begging, pleading and not kept to the path. The list of 32 is not for the weak-minded. Its working on her.

 

The trouble with fantasies ~ is that they're fanstiasies. They never match up to reality. Fantasies are faries! Whiffs of smoke, and vapor. Mr. Reality is for real. Its all well and good that she's occupied with the IL's the children, and playing Suzzie Homemaker, but Mr. "R" hasn't come around yet! Sometimes he comes bashing through the front door like Mr. T or the Incredible Hunk, and sometimes he just slide in thorugh the back door.

 

I would continue to "be there" for my sons, and family ~ but I would consider being there less for her emotionally, physically, etc. (Lady Jane?) Give her the gift of missing you ~ which is why the road trip is such an excellent idea for all concerned.

 

You're not ready yet, but the real shocker is going to be when she see's you with another woman. And, if this goes through to divorce ~ I wouldn't be hesitant about letting her see you with them. She has ~ had her chance ~ and she needs to see what she had, slipping,...... slipping..................................... slipping away.

 

You're a good man ~ you're going to come out on top of all of this.

[ilmw]

Once again...you helped....

 

Today has been a good day... bought some books.. Light her fire and Guitars for dummies:laugh: Also a new shirt and a realy cool leather jacket!

 

Buying my guitar this weekend... it will keep me busy...

 

I realy feel good about keeping all my promises to myself...GTA...some of the stuff I just can't do right now... but I have learned to keep my promises.... and it is now just a part of me.

 

I still find it amazing how stupit I feel after/during reading relationship books.... all the things I had no idea about.... In the middle of light her fire... good read.. but I am getting pissed off at my self:lmao:

 

Gonna keep busy this weekend... cause I know if I don't its realy going to be rough...

 

Once again.. Gunny thx.

ilmw

[Gunny376]

You, like I just didn't know.

 

Thing is, when all this is all resolved and the dust has settled, and if you the DW don't reconcile, your next GF/Wife is going to be like: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL OF MY LIFE!?

 

The nice thing about LHF, is that it gets your own individual motors and rotors to turnning, and gets you to thinking about how to utiilize what she's given you and become innovative and creative to suit you as the individual, and the idividual that you're dating or with.

 

Its actually pretty powerful stuff, and will help fill up the other person's love bank quick. Take Dr. Ellen's material put it with Carlos's material, and Dr. Halrey's material and you are going to be one official certified lady-killer. And, yea if you had known all of this back in the day, you and I wouldn't be where we are today with out first wives. Well, for you there might still be a chance.

 

I've think you've got the DW off bubble ~ and she's not sure about you. You're not playing the role of the dumped, pouty-mouth, crying, begging, pleading STBXH? It may take time ~ but there may be a chance for you, but you're going to have to be in it for the long haul, you might even have to go through a divorce? But, if you find yourself alone ~ it will be because you've made that choice ~ not because she moved out. You're acquiring the skill set to find someone else ~ and to make them very happy and to make a LTR with someone work, (Provided their mentallly and emotionally stable themselves ~ aka "normal" WTF that is?).

 

In the end, your wife moving out ~ and if she goes through with the divirorce all she's accomplished was to break your heart ~ and to create some other woman's deam come true.

 

(For the ladies I'd recommend Dr. Kreidman's "Light His Fire!" and if you're just going through the Big "D" I'd recommend her "Light Your Fire" She's also go a book out called "How To Light His Fire When You Have Children).

[ilmw]

The trouble with fantasies ~ is that they're fanstiasies. They never match up to reality. Fantasies are faries! Whiffs of smoke, and vapor. Mr. Reality is for real. Its all well and good that she's occupied with the IL's the children, and playing Suzzie Homemaker, but Mr. "R" hasn't come around yet! Sometimes he comes bashing through the front door like Mr. T or the Incredible Hunk, and sometimes he just slide in thorugh the back door.

 

I would continue to "be there" for my sons, and family ~ but I would consider being there less for her emotionally, physically, etc. (Lady Jane?) Give her the gift of missing you ~ which is why the road trip is such an

 

excellent idea for all concerned.

 

 

 

You're a good man ~ you're going to come out on top of all of this.

 

Yeah... I agree... its what everything I have read and what has been said by yourself and so many others... Not going complete N/C just dim...

 

Tonight about 7pm I had a couple of missed messages on my cell.. where I am staying.. reception is pathetic.... it was the boys calling to say hi.. could hear the DW in the background coaching my little guy to say I love you daddy... he tends to act very silly on the phone... and I could hear her in the background reminding him...

 

I eventually got through and spoke with the boys... it was realy nice... when S/son was talking I could here his aunt say "who are you talking too.. he said "my dad"... not heard him say that since he was about 8.. he is 12 now...

 

On another note... in regards to self estem... I have found myself acting in a very positive.. outgoing manner... something I have achieved through alot of I guess self growth.. which is a side of this that is very positive... I truely feel empowered.. I have grown so much over the past few months.. I sometimes catch myself.. and can't believe... hay who is this guy... I should be a skinny self loathing crying mess..... but ... Nope.. This hurts like hell.. but the fire of this hell has/is forging something much better... like a phonex rising out of the ashes... a re-birth... oh arn't I getting bad with the symobolism.....

 

Tonight while I was trying to get through to my boys... a woman who got in a car down the street... drove by.. I just happened to be facing towards the road when she drove by... obviously slowly... she gave me the biggest smile... I though... holy crap.. what was that... then after.. I felt pretty good... Yeah... I still got it going on... hahhhahahaah:lmao: I sometimes forget... I am clean cut.. 5'11" 190lbs.. good shape.. have a good paying job and the respect of many... and envied by some...and have never realy had a problem attrackting women in the past when I wanted to.... it dawned on me... damn... I am a good catch;)

 

All in all... once again I have bounced back from what seemed to be a bleek evening... Sadly everyone I know has plans... so I will probably be staying in this weekend and making my fingers bleed from the guitar I am buying tommorow... :lmao:

 

As for my DW... i love her dearly... but tonight... I could not care less... I know in the morning that will change.. but I feel good right now:) Just need to keep busy... Always had family life to do this for me... now.. realy have to be imaginative to do this... tonight got some Subway.. (new mexican pico sub....mmmmmmmm..good!!) Went to the lake front and fed my face.. and just watched the sale boats.... I was amazed how I could just sit there and do this... it was relaxing... and peaceful...

 

Right now I am having a little drink... and watching the Food Network... To look at me you would never think I would watch those shows.. I just find them relaxing... and I love to cook.... and from watching some of these shows.... I have become a pretty damn good cook:p

 

Well that is enough for now.... not so much a rant tonight... I guess I am a pretty adaptable person.. Had so many moves and changes in my life... (gunny and any other military type out their might understand)... never realy lived in the same spot for more than a few years.... my DW was probally the first constant thing in my life since I left home when I was 16.

 

Take care all

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

Yeah... I agree... its what everything I have read and what has been said by yourself and so many others... Not going complete N/C just dim...

 

Tonight about 7pm I had a couple of missed messages on my cell.. where I am staying.. reception is pathetic.... it was the boys calling to say hi.. could hear the DW in the background coaching my little guy to say I love you daddy... he tends to act very silly on the phone... and I could hear her in the background reminding him...

 

I eventually got through and spoke with the boys... it was realy nice... when S/son was talking I could here his aunt say "who are you talking too.. he said "my dad"... not heard him say that since he was about 8.. he is 12 now...

 

On another note... in regards to self estem... I have found myself acting in a very positive.. outgoing manner... something I have achieved through alot of I guess self growth.. which is a side of this that is very positive... I truely feel empowered.. I have grown so much over the past few months.. I sometimes catch myself.. and can't believe... hay who is this guy... I should be a skinny self loathing crying mess..... but ... Nope.. This hurts like hell.. but the fire of this hell has/is forging something much better... like a phonex rising out of the ashes... a re-birth... oh arn't I getting bad with the symobolism.....

 

Tonight while I was trying to get through to my boys... a woman who got in a car down the street... drove by.. I just happened to be facing towards the road when she drove by... obviously slowly... she gave me the biggest smile... I though... holy crap.. what was that... then after.. I felt pretty good... Yeah... I still got it going on... hahhhahahaah:lmao: I sometimes forget... I am clean cut.. 5'11" 190lbs.. good shape.. have a good paying job and the respect of many... and envied by some...and have never realy had a problem attrackting women in the past when I wanted to.... it dawned on me... damn... I am a good catch;)

 

All in all... once again I have bounced back from what seemed to be a bleek evening... Sadly everyone I know has plans... so I will probably be staying in this weekend and making my fingers bleed from the guitar I am buying tommorow... :lmao:

 

As for my DW... i love her dearly... but tonight... I could not care less... I know in the morning that will change.. but I feel good right now:) Just need to keep busy... Always had family life to do this for me... now.. realy have to be imaginative to do this... tonight got some Subway.. (new mexican pico sub....mmmmmmmm..good!!) Went to the lake front and fed my face.. and just watched the sale boats.... I was amazed how I could just sit there and do this... it was relaxing... and peaceful...

 

Right now I am having a little drink... and watching the Food Network... To look at me you would never think I would watch those shows.. I just find them relaxing... and I love to cook.... and from watching some of these shows.... I have become a pretty damn good cook:p

 

Well that is enough for now.... not so much a rant tonight... I guess I am a pretty adaptable person.. Had so many moves and changes in my life... (gunny and any other military type out their might understand)... never realy lived in the same spot for more than a few years.... my DW was probally the first constant thing in my life since I left home when I was 16.

 

Take care all

ilmw

 

Fabulous post, ILMW. :bunny:

 

You've got a terrific attitude, and alot to offer the newbies here in the Separation/Divorce section. You're a clear cut case of the fact that there is HOPE for something better....no matter which way the cookie ends up crumbling.

[ilmw]

I do feel my attitude is much better.... I guess I realy am a glass is half full person after all. I know now that if I can come through this a better person... then it has a higher purpose.

 

Keeping it together has become very important to me... because in the future.. what ever it may bring.. I will keep my centre and my head... staying optimistic.. and being able to seperate that which is important and that which is not....

 

Just had a call on my cell from DW.. she took her mom and niece home on Thursday... and will be staying there until Sunday... She asked me to go on line a get a replacement Birth Certificat for our son... must have gotten lost in the move?? It is needed ASAP for my son going to his new school.. so I don't mind at all doing this... still a dad right:D

 

Gotta go... need to get out and do stuff.

ilmw

[ilmw]

Last night had one to many... and posted like crazy all over LS:o

 

Woke up this morning around 10am... have not done that in years.

 

Point being.... drinking does not solve anything.... it only seems to amplify ones emotions... It was difficult not to try and call the DW... at one point.... but because of everything I have read and what has been said to me on here... I remembered it would be a bid No No... You can seriously screw things up even more than they are.... plus you can get yourself in some serious s%it....I have seen enough broken hearted men in the cells tanked up and under arrest for Impaired Driving....

 

I do believe I will not be doing that again for awhile.... woke this morning slightly hungover.... and when you are sickly like that... it is easy to let your memories... sadness etc... creep up on you... and it is harder to think of things to do to get your mind of it:p

 

Oh well... of to make some more cat screaming noises with the guitar.

[Ladyjane14]

If it comes to a choice between 'drinking and posting' or 'drinking and dialing'.... you did the right thing, ILMW.

 

(Proper hydration and rest today though. Best thing for a hangover.)

[dgiirl]

lol yep, i did the drunk dialing thing... not very good lol But atleast i told him off instead of begging him back at 6am on a sunday *blush* Not my proudest moment, especially since I dont drink. I can count the number of times I've drank in my entire life on one hand. Drinking and dialing not good

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

Yesterday afternoon.. I get a call from DW.. she said she had come back from the Il's early to get the boys back into a get back to school pattern... she then proceeded to tell me that one of the cats has gone missing... then she tells me that when she went out with the boys to some more back to school shopping... our dog.. I mean her dog:p got out... and is now also missing... The boys and her looked for hours... they are very upset.. he is not even 1 yr old yet... and was very reliant on our other dog.. who was like a bid sister to him... the DW had given her away to one of her work mates and family who had recently lost their own dog. Now the other dog is gone.... I offered to come out and help look for him.. but she said they were calling of the search for the night.

 

When I got up this morning.. I headed over to the area of my DW's new home a checked the area...for the dog... but it was no good.... I still care about the dog as I have helped raise him since I picked him up... I helped pick him with the boys.... I then called the DW and told her I was in the area... could I drop by... she said sure.... Once there she invited me in and we talked for a while about this and that... I had some mail.. etc... she proceeded to give me some tomatoes and some peanut butter which she had an over supply of... father in law gave her a complete case of the stuff...

 

Here is a question... how does one attempt to reconect with their spouse when anytime you have a moment alone... one of the kids interupts... for example... while I was there... the DW tells son who was having breakfast... "mommy and daddy are going out the front for a minute, stay here and finish ".... once we were outside... who shows up... but my little guy.... and he kept coming out... I love him so much.. but it feels at times like the boys are sabotaging any chance I have a reconecting with the DW. I know I should have no expectations of anything happing between us... I feel it would be to soon... she has not had time to miss me... but at the same time... geeeezzzz... it is frustrating.

 

When I went over today I was dressed in a nice new shirt... new (cool:laugh: ) leather jacket and sporting a new haircut... I must say I looked good... smelled nice too...

 

Tonight I am taking the boys out for dinner.... I start my 2 week course tommorow and do not know how busy I will be... so thought it would be a nice going back to school thingy for the boys and me...

 

When I first saw the DW today.. I had to catch myself... she looked so wonderful... and she only wearing a ratty old t-shirt and sweat pants... her hair back in a pony tail..... geeeezzzz... Thank god I have some self control.. Never showed any yearning... was just pleasant... friendly...

 

Son took me up to his bedroom... there was something wrong with his window... I attempted to fix it... DW even brought me a screwdriver.... could not fix it completely... window is old... needs a new mechanism... I don't think the DW truely knows that she has bought a little bit of a money pit... I have not seen any realy problems with the house... but she has only been there for about a week and she probably needs to spend a couple of grand.... $$

 

Mr 'R' will certainly be coming to visit soon I think... when these things start adding up.... and I am not there to help... Gonna make myself scarce now....

 

2 week course... then road trip:laugh: ! Think I will send her and the boys a post card from San Diego... that should get her thinking...hahha:p I am not telling her or the boys where I am going.. just that I will be heading out of town for a week or two...

 

The road trip idea has realy helped me stay focused and has given me something to look forward to.. and it will keep me away from the DW... some REAL space....

 

When I get back though... my own Mr 'R' will hit... as I know I have alot of paper work to face when I get back to work:( ... not worrying about it though.. as it will keep me very busy... and I realy need that.

 

One thing I will add is... I am feeling even stronger.. than before.... I felt so in control when I saw DW today.... inside all I felf was love... and yearning to be with her... but I hid it well behind a friendly face...

 

Yes.. this does get easier.... and as I once read somewhere on here... "time is are friend"

 

Well thats it for now...

 

take care all...

 

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry to hear about your missing pets, ILMW.

Maybe you and your boys could post some flyers together. It's important for kids to feel like they helped as much as they could. Don't forget to call the pound and check the "found" ads in the paper. These are things you can also involve the boys in. You might also leave information with your local veterinarians.

 

 

.. but it feels at times like the boys are sabotaging any chance I have a reconecting with the DW. I know I should have no expectations of anything happing between us... I feel it would be to soon... she has not had time to miss me... but at the same time... geeeezzzz... it is frustrating.

 

When I went over today I was dressed in a nice new shirt... new (cool:laugh: ) leather jacket and sporting a new haircut... I must say I looked good... smelled nice too...

 

This is actually GOOD stuff. One of the most important ENs for people with children is parenting. How does our mate interact with our children? Is he a positive role model?

 

From Michelle Weiner Davis' list of 180's:

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

 

You are showing not telling. And you're doing it in an unexpected way. She EXPECTS you to beg and plead.... and you didn't.

 

Instead, you looked nice. You smelled good. And you PROVED that you're the best choice for her children.

 

EXCELLENT WORK. :cool:

 

It doesn't hurt a thing to leave her guessing. If she starts feeling like maybe you're going to get away... it might light up a fire under her ass.

 

Now, I'm NOT saying that you ought to 'play games', but it's okay to wait for her to bring Big Relationship Talk to you.... instead of the other way around.

 

Here's the list again. Use what feels most honest to you:

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[ilmw]

Thx LJ

 

Glad it does not sound like I am screwing things up...

 

I like your idea about the posters... I'll find out if DW found our dog at the pound... (she was heading there after I left)

 

I'll gets some photos of the dog and cat... and make copies to put around her neighbourhood:)

 

Thx again for the affirmation.. means alot..

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Even if the DW doesn't wake up and come around ~ the next one is going to be like

 

"Where have you been all of my life! I've been looking for YOU and waiting for YOU all of my life!" Then the XW is going to be like ~ "DAMNED! I created the perfect man for her! ~ for myself!"

[ilmw]

Even if the DW doesn't wake up and come around ~ the next one is going to be like

 

"Where have you been all of my life! I've been looking for YOU and waiting for YOU all of my life!" Then the XW is going to be like ~ "DAMNED! I created the perfect man for her! ~ for myself!"

 

You know its true...

 

The more time that goes by the more I believe it.... I know I am a good catch... I have alot to offer a woman... espeacialy now that I have a clue:)

 

If the DW and I never do reconcile... and I can be bothered to find another woman.. or she finds me.. It will be different.. cause I have taken the time to figure out what I want.. and who I am.. that I have learned my short comings.. and improved and am improving myself...

 

The biggest thing I have found it that by finding my centre.. which is an ongoing adventure.. I am realizing more and more.. of who I realy am.. It would have been nice to have had this incite years ago... then again.. I have never been through anything quite like this before...

 

Being the man I have to be and want to be is my priority... with this all other things shall fall into place...

 

Do I feel better... a little bit.. but in time... things will change.. Still maintaining hope until there is no point.... It realy has not been that long for me compared to others... so I'm just maintaining right now... being patient:)

 

We shall see

ilmw

[dgiirl]

ilmw, you are in a very good healthy frame of mind. As long as you keep that up, you will do fine no matter how the situation turns. And because you are keeping your confidence, it might just help in opening your wife's eyes. I found it extremely difficult to let go of the anger and be confident around my exh, so I couldnt really show him the changes I have done. But it does sound you are able to do it, which is great

[ilmw]

ilmw, you are in a very good healthy frame of mind. As long as you keep that up, you will do fine no matter how the situation turns. And because you are keeping your confidence, it might just help in opening your wife's eyes. I found it extremely difficult to let go of the anger and be confident around my exh, so I couldnt really show him the changes I have done. But it does sound you are able to do it, which is great

 

Thx dgiirl

 

I guess I have always had a pretty high level of confidence... but this (in the beginning took that all away) Mainly from posting on LS.. I started getting it back... like you... and so many others have helped me/ remind me that I am a good person... once I could remind myself of this... the confidence came back....

 

I think because there are children envolved in my stich... it just makes me want to save my marriage even more... so its not just for me its for them.. and also for my DW... if she could only see into my heart... but then again... as I have learned through all my reading and from on LS... if she does not want me... that would mean nothing to her...

 

What a crazy life this is eh?

 

Take care dgiirl... you do sound like you are doing great... I'll give you a big wave and a smile when I am heading through TO....

 

TAke care...

ilmw

[Rooster_DAR]

Hello ilmw,

 

Welcome to what many of us are also going through. At first it's shock, then denial, begging, and all of those types of things. I am going through the same exact thing you are, and it's being terribly painful as well as liberating. Thanks to this website, my recovery and rediscovery is well on its way. In regards to questioning about the meeting your EX at the same park, there will be lots of incidents like this you may want to attribute to her changing her mind. My advice, stop this thinking and don't hold onto hope. And just like gunny376 said, the flags were all there but we ignored them at them time so that truly makes hindsight 20/20. If/when she does come back around, don't cave into her needs but hold strong to your commitment to yourself, and then you may actually regain control. At worst, you have done all the things needed to move on with your life and will have all the tools necessary to have a better relationship with someone much better. I often reflect back and ask myself the question "Isn't leaning on, caring for, and giving everything you got to someone what love is all about?" and "I thought women wanted a caring and sanative guy who gives them everything they want?” From my experience now, this is a dangerous way of thinking unless you absolutely find a woman that truly loves you and feels the same way you do about this (Rare! and how do you know that she is this type?). The truth is, women really don't know they want (Not all women, but lots). You hear women (not all women, but lot's!) state they want a sensitive man, that treats them like a queen, but as soon as you cave into that, you've suddenly become to nice and too sensitive and hence you've been handed your hat (This goes the same for jerks, but jerks last a little longer). I will probably get women responding to this, and say it's a bunch of bull but it's not. There may be the few select women that can appreciate this kind of man, but for most this is not the case. As men, we have to be completely self confident, know what we want in life, be strong and have a sense of good control of ourselves. At the same time, there must be a small side of us that can be sensitive at times, but not all of the time. On another note, if you become unpredictable, and unchallenging to the opposite sex, it will eventually lower their level of love for you.

 

Regards,

 

Relationships are very difficult, but with the right tools and knowledge we can make them work.

 

(I still ask the question, "What the **** happened to her/us?")

[ilmw]

Hi Roster..

 

Thx for the post...

 

Regarding the meeting in the park.. that was a couple of months ago.. since then... I tend not to read to much into anything.. she has been fixated on this move all this time and am positive... nothing would have changed her mind...

 

The idea of letting completly go... just can't do that right now... but on the other hand I have learned to have no expeactations of her ever coming back to me... a small paradox... but that is where I am at...

 

Right now I am concentrating om me... and making sure I am there for my boys... when I can be... they both know... I am only a phone call away... my cell is on 24/7. When they realized this.. they both became a little more at ease...

 

Tonigh in fact I took them both out to a fun high energy restaurant... for a going back to school treat... when I arrived at the DW's house... she had them both dressed up all nice.. and clean... made it a even more speacial occassion for me:)

 

In regards to letting go again... I am in no hurry to move on... I am a very patient man... but there will come a time when I will know there is no point... then... we shall see... not realy worrying about it...

 

Take care of yourself

ilmw

[ilmw]

Yesterday will I was on my course my DW texted me saying she had been called of her holidays because staff shortages... fair enough... I am being trained by her orgainization so I know all the facts... etc

 

She asked me if some kind of arrangement could be made for daycare for the boys.. as it was a weekend she had to be working..

 

I called her back on my break.. and we chatted about it.. I could think of nothing and could not take the boys back to my place as it is only a room.... she knew this and made some suggestions... but Iadvised her it would be to short notice... I then made the suggestion that I would stay at her new place during the day until she came home from work... then I would leave... she seemed ok with this... but said if you are comfortable with that... (being in the house).. I told her that it was for the boys and I would do anything for them... so it seemed ok...

 

Well prior to this I had made arrangements to go up and see DW uncle.. on Friday night... but this would make it impossible to be at her place at 6am saturday... so I called DW uncle after the above conversation... and cancelled. He understood and instead invited me over last night... So went over... and hung out with him.. we had dinner and some drinks.. and he went on to tell me that he did not think it was over between my DW and myself.. that her grandmother did not think it was over and other family members did not think we were done... I sat there and (yes I had a couple)... but amazingly I did not get all excited.... or hopeful.. grabbing for the tiniest crumb.. I just let him talk... he also had me swear I would never repeat what he had been saying. For example... when I had dropped the kids off after having them at my parents.. he had been down visiting her and her mom.. he told me that he had seen her touch my face on a fridge magnet photo that was at that time still on the fridge. He also told me some other stuff... but I have learned to take everything with a grain of salt. Its easier that way.. no expectations...

 

I told him this... and also let him know that I was very much in love with his niece... That if she turned around tommorow and asked me to move back in I would say NO. He looked at me...??? I told him... I need to date her again... to reconnect.. get some romance back... He just nodded and understood what I was saying...

 

I ended up crashing at his place because we stayed up late blabbing.. etc:o

 

Today after my course.. ( I was exhausted... had maybe 4 hrs sleep last night... and sat through lectures all day that all ran long...) I called up DW and asked if it was ok to come over to see the boys...( I had made arrangements couple of days prior to pick them up for some icecream but I had intended it to be later after there supper.. I showed up in my best work suit and a nice new shirt and tie (the old looking good thing)

 

I get there and am told that my S/Sons grandmother called today and asked if she could take him up to see his uncle as he is moving out west... she offered to take my son... Normally this would not be a problem.. but because I was tired and had kinda been looking forward to having the boys.... I lost my mask of happiness (learned to have an air of success and happiness.. as if things are fine)

 

Once again I became transparent to her... and she knew I was not happy... I basically told her... I don't realy have a problem with it... but it was obvious I was disapponted....

 

I came over specifically to see the boys and see how their first few days of school were... pretty much as soon as I got to her house... Sson leaves with his buddy... fair enough... and I think I thought I would be staying longer... he leaves... I thought(originally)... hmmmm nice. Then my 5 yr old starts acting up... telling me he hates me... and that he will not love me unless I move back in with him... (owwww!!) Tried to explain to him again that sometimes mommys and daddys can't always live together... that did nothing but make him more pissed off...

 

(I can say this for sure... in only the week or so that I have physically been seperated... I can't believe the change in my own son... and even my step son.... I guess because I don't see them every day it is more noticeble.. but They both are back talking their mother... and my little guy... has a harder edge to him already.... when there was for the most part a softness in his little brown eyes... I now see and anger... I don't want to see... and this is just one more burden on my conscience... (I am lost in how I can do anything to change this behaviour) What can I do... I don't live with him anymore... Some of the things he said and how he reacted to what I said... I would never had tried to pull this only a week or so ago...

 

I feel this is just one more thing in my life that is just going to get worse before it gets better.... and all I can do is be there for both the boys....as much as I can.... but... and this scares the crap out of me.... How the boys will no longer see me as a dad but as a big brother.....

 

God I hate this...... Its one thing to break up with someone... but when there are kids.... how can you truely break up unless one of you disappears....

 

*disclaimer*

I am not disreagarding anything anyone has told me on LS.. this is a moment of utter dispear/weakness.. brought on by lack of sleep a long day of realy exciting lectures! and a realy upsetting visit to see my kids.. who appeared to not want anything to do with me.

 

Once again after posting... I feel a bit better

Take care all

ilmw

[Gunny376]

In so long as you make a consistent effort to be an active and on-going part of your DS's lives ~ you will always be Dad in their eyes.

 

A good book you might want to read is "Second Chances" about the short, mid to long term effects on children of divorce.

 

You're right about not just jumping back into it if she were to call you. That would be a mistake. Both of you would have to do it the old fashion way ~ work for it!

[flowerpot]

to ilmw,

It seems we have alot in common these days. I have days when I here something possitive then the next day it's gone. As you take things with a grain of salt I find myself doing the same. I'm tired of the ups & downs, fauls hopes & all that!!!

We have to concentrate on ourselves!!!!

I have found much good advice on LS , and try to apply them with my situation.

It sounds life you're handling thins well, I like what you said to your uncle about taking your w back( dating her first) taking it slow & easy.

Best of luck to you!!!!

[ilmw]

Thx...

 

Yesterday was just a realy crappy day... felt better today...

Not going to call the kids tonight... need to study for exam in the morining.. so I don't want any negative stuff getting in the way... need a mental/emotional rest.

 

Gonna see them saturday morning..

 

Take care.. and good luck to you too flowerpot

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Accentuate the positve and downplay the "negatives" in your life, to inlcude not letting other people dump on you with their negativity. Its all and well and good to be a friend to others, and lend a shoulder to cry on ~ but you've got to work on your own personal recovery, withouth taking on the additional burden of someone else.

 

Any time you catch yourself thinking a negative thought ~ stop ~ re-focus it and turn it into a positive. And it is possible to do that. For thoughts are like coins, they all have too sides. It really is a case of the glass being half empty and half full.

 

Its like the beggerman of ancient Bagdad. He was probally the happiest man alive, even though he was homeless, and a begger. Until one day a rich man stopped him and chasitised him for being so happy and being a begger. After that he became miserable and despondent.

 

Before he was happy ~ because he had always been poor, and didn't know how to be any otherway. Until someone told him how miserable he should be.

 

Don't let other people project onto you.

 

Don't let other people make their problems yours. You've got all you can handle without taking on anymore.

[ilmw]

Accentuate the positve and downplay the "negatives" in your life, to inlcude not letting other people dump on you with their negativity. Its all and well and good to be a friend to others, and lend a shoulder to cry on ~ but you've got to work on your own personal recovery, withouth taking on the additional burden of someone else.

 

Any time you catch yourself thinking a negative thought ~ stop ~ re-focus it and turn it into a positive. And it is possible to do that. For thoughts are like coins, they all have too sides. It really is a case of the glass being half empty and half full.

 

Its like the beggerman of ancient Bagdad. He was probally the happiest man alive, even though he was homeless, and a begger. Until one day a rich man stopped him and chasitised him for being so happy and being a begger. After that he became miserable and despondent.

 

Before he was happy ~ because he had always been poor, and didn't know how to be any otherway. Until someone told him how miserable he should be.

 

Don't let other people project onto you.

 

Don't let other people make their problems yours. You've got all you can handle without taking on anymore.

 

Good point...

 

I do my best to avoid negative people... including those who choose to give me advise on my stich... If I don't ask for it, I don't want it. My family knows me well enough not to crose that line now... thay all know my stand on this... in fact my mother who was VERY negative about all this.. infact gave my a potted plant and some flower clippings and seeds for my DW as a house warming gift... Her stand changed because.. I believe... she saw that I was not distroyed by this and was being strong... and maintaining a good relationship with my boys.

 

One thing that several people have commented on is the fact that I have not changed my stance with my step-son... Nothing negative has been said.. they are just amazed that I have kept him under my wing... so to speak:) I am the closest thing that boy has to a father... and I know this.. so I will do the same for him as I would my own blood. I always deep down wish he was my birth son.. but you have to work with what you have... I just wish I had a clearer picture of what the hell I was doing with the wife before and how all/ and some of our prior interactions.. effected her EN's.. Arguing with my step son over stupid things in the past.. certainly contributed to the entire break down...

 

I have neverplaced any blame in my step son... he is only 12... and I have reashured him of this... insisting that I would see him and his brother as much as I can.... and that he can call me at any time on my cell phone..

 

It was just the other night... the feeling that I wasn't needed or wanted by the boys... just compounded the feelings of rejection from the DW... I have pretty much gotten used to this... because of learning to have no expectations.... but to leave her house with my 5 yr old saying he did not love me because I would not move back in with them.... Ahhhh! I realy wanted to tell him "I do want to move in with you guys... but mommy does not want me here right now" That would be to much and unfair for him... and I feel the DW too. I did mature thing and sucked it up... hiding the best I could the pain inside.... let it out later when I was alone...

 

Driving home this afternoon.... it was fantastic... sunny and warm.. had the window down.... taking my time... and I found myself smiling... I had plans already set up for the next few days... and did not have to wonder what the hell I was going to do with myself....

 

Taking care of the boys from 6am to noon on Saturday... then heading over to DW uncles place... invited to stay for a few days... as I am doing my course in his home town... and I will be busy all next week with part 2 of the course... socializing with some of my class mates too... they are form all over Ontario... here some interesting stories:laugh:

 

It is true... you need to keep busy.... because if you don't.. you can become your own worst enemy.... it is too easy to let all the self growing... crumble when you are sat all alone... and blue. I went from such a busy home... to complete silence...except for the folks upstairs... and they keep to themselves out of respect for my situation...

 

Thats enough for now folks... now I am just starting to ramble...

 

PS...Thx again Gunny..

 

ilmw