Struggling on

[Guest]

I will try to make as short as possible. I am a 42 yr man, married high school sweetheart. We have three great children. Thinking back, I think mid thirties I started feeling some discontent in marriage. Wife is a good person, great mom, etc. But there were some needs not being met. Not out of spite but she just has a stubborn side. She finally is addressing some of these needs as she finally understood I was thinking of leaving.

 

I did have a few EA's online years ago (when I was 38ish)......and three years ago, I had a brief affair that lasted a month.

 

OK.....current situation and/or problem. I am not involved whatsoever with anyone just to put that to bed. My question is.......I just do not feel it for wife anymore. Yes, I love her as the mom of my kids, etc. She is treating me very good. But I just feel burned out. When she trys to get close and cuddle.........I just do not feel it. I wonder if I ever will. I do yearn to feel that with someone, hence, thats why I wanted to separate.

 

I appreciate any input on take of this situation. I have been struggling a year or more with this. I feel guilty about what it would mean to family...kids that is. I am a very good dad, very involved, love them to death.

 

How do you know which direction to go? Is it midlife? Can you grow in different directions and loose love? Grass greener syndrome?? And whatever the reason is, how can you stay married when you do not feel love?

[JadeStar]

How about marriage counseling? Do you think it would be worth checking that out before throwing in the towel? However, if your heart is just not into it then might be a lost cause. I do think its good to try all things though before making a decison to leave or divorce. Just out of curiousty, does your wife know of these past EA's?

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Guest]

We had counseling. And like I mentioned, she is now addressing problems I have had over years. The councilor told me in a meeting (just me and him) that I should separate. But of course, that was his opinion. And I almost did at that time. But the bottom line is I just do not feel in love and it bothers me. Wife, without asking details, has brought up that I have talked online with other women. I told her I am not doing that anymore but we never talked in detail about it. Anyway, thanks for responding.......

[julieg]

i know EXACTLY how you feel. i am 40 also.

my husband has some issues he refuses to change too. i have found myself slowly detaching over the years but it is getting worse week by week. even if he changed now i cant say it would matter. this is torture. i constantly think about ways to change the situation but cant find a way out. i dont want to wake up 20 years from now even more regretful.

but on a positive note i think that marrying your hs sweetheart is really romantic. many people wish they had stuck with their first love.....

[Annacabana]

The Best Thing You Can Give Your Kids

By Mitch Temple

 

 

 

First let me say that, although I am a marriage and family therapist and have helped struggling parents for almost 20 years, and although we have three teens in the Temple household and my wife is an excellent mother, we do not have all the answers when it comes to raising kids! We thought we did, and then our kids turned into teenagers. I'm reminded of Mark Twain’s advice: when kids reach adolescence you should stick them in a barrel, nail the lid shut and cut them a breathing hole. When they turn 16, simply stop up the hole!

 

Though his recommendation is not to be taken seriously, many parents relate to Mr. Twain’s philosophy. When it comes to raising teenagers, we're all in the same boat: we find ourselves questioning whether we are making the best decisions and doing the right things for our kids.

 

Of all the advice I've given to parents through the years about what is most important to provide for their kids, I think this is the best: The most important thing you can do for your kids (whether pre- or post-adolescence) is not giving them great advice, administering perfect discipline, being consistent 100 percent of the time, being their best friend, or even having the perfect "parade of homes" family. The best thing you can give your kids is the consistent, solid assurance that you love your spouse beyond a shadow of a doubt. Moms and Dads should consistently send the message that "although we're not always perfect and we argue and hurt each other's feelings from time to time, we are going to be here, together, for you."

 

Today's kids live in an ever-changing and insecure world. Sociologists tell us that kids' fears are rapidly increasing, resulting in more behavior problems, depression and anxiety disorders. One of the major fears of school-aged children is that their parents will divorce. Many of these children are routinely exposed to negative news and unsettling change. They hear that their friends' parents are splitting up or that their favorite celebrity is getting a divorce, and they wonder if their parents are next. Many children experience a "when, not if" type of anxiety on a daily basis, fearing their parents will be the next statistic.

 

Because of these uncertainties, your children need to know that you and your spouse love each other and are committed, permanently, to each other. Your kids need to know that you are going to stick it out even through the tough times. And that when you're faced with problems you can’t overcome on you own, you will get the professional help you need to make it work. Kids need you to explain that love is more than feelings. You don't need to tell them in these words, but your kids need to know that even if the magic is gone and you don’t feel great about your spouse, love means you'll stick it out until you do.

 

If you're not feeling great about your spouse, consider this: Many couples don't feel "in love" anymore because they've stopped acting and thinking as if they're in love. Think about it. You make friends by behaving in a friendly way. You feel close to a friend because you both act like friends. Your friendship grows because of this behavior and because of your commitment to the friendship. The same is true in marriage. If you don’t feel like you're in love anymore, it may be because you're not acting like you're in love. Often, those feelings of in-loveness will return if you simply start behaving as if you're in love. Behavior does affect feelings. Thinking affects feelings. Change your thinking and behavior, and you will change how you feel. Right thinking plus right behavior equals right feelings.

 

Think back to when you and your spouse first fell in love. Chances are you did things like expressing love regularly, focusing on the good in each other, putting the other first, overlooking mistakes, and saying "I'm sorry" even when you didn't feel you were wrong. Marriages often deteriorate when partners forget to act and think the way they did when they were dating. If you find yourself in this situation, take heart: a better marriage can begin with you.

 

Most of the battles in marriage take place on the battlefields of our minds. When one person decides that a marriage is worth saving and transforming, real change can occur. You can focus all day long on the faults of your spouse. However, your marriage will begin to transform and become strong only when you commit to making it better — even if your spouse isn't on the same page yet. Part of the marriage journey is honoring your commitment to each other for life — for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, "till death do we part" — and your kids need to know you're going to do just that.

 

So, instead of giving your children costly material trinkets — which marketers tout as "must haves" — give them what every child really needs: the assurance that Mom and Dad are in this for the long haul. Do whatever it takes to make your marriage thrive: swallow your pride, go to counseling or a marriage retreat, give up a hobby, throw the TV in the dumpster. . . whatever! Just do it. Your kids will thank you.

[Guest]

First, thanks for post. My question for you would be.................have you yourself ever been in a position where you do not feel love for your wife over a long period and you just turned it around by "making a commitment"?

[Annacabana]

I have had some hard times in my marriage. I have been married for almost 13 years now. I stayed though because I did make a commitment, of the vows I took, because of my children. There are ups and downs in every relationship. You are now in a down part and you can get through it, IF you want to.

 

If you aren't happy, that is all about you and what is going on in your heart. We can't rely on someone else to fulfill us. So please take the focus off of your wife and what she is or isn't doing. If your counselor isn't helping you work through what is causing your discontent and is just giving up on your marriage like you, I would find another one.