feeling sorry for myself

[schitz]

i'm in a real bind here and i need some honest opinions on this subject. my fiance has been working way too much lately and coming home distracted with work on his mind which means he isn't really here with me. the only day we have together is sunday's and that is spend running around and doing errands. i am feeling somewhat neglected lately and feeling sorry for myself. it seems the only time he really relaxes is when we go out and he has some beers.

 

he comes home around six in the evening and we talk a little while then it seems he goes on the computer and i sit on the couch or if i'm on the computer he sits on the couch and watches t.v. it almost seems he doesn't want to be around me, but when we go to bed he holds me tight and tells me how much he loves me.

 

i understand that he is really stressed by his job, and that he will not change jobs, i've asked him, he says he is working hard to get us ahead, but i told him, i'd rather live in a nice little apt. and let someone else have the responsibility and burden of owning this house and up keep with it. sure it is nice to live in a house, but what good is it when you are not fully happy? i want us to be together more, when he is home, i want his mind here not still at work.

 

i feel selfish for this, but at the same time, i feel pretty lonely. i know if i left him, it would hurt him alot and it would devastate me as well and i may end up regretting it down the road. i know some woman would be very fortunate to have him, he is a very good provider and has many good traits but can also be a real ass.

 

so i have this real and painful delima on my hands and it seems either way i am going to hurt, but i don't want to hurt either way but maybe i'm missing the big picture and someone else can see it from what i wrote.

[Carrie]

Have you sat down and had a talk with him? If you haven't, try to plan a Saturday night in advance, make a nice dinner and then let him know that you'd like to discuss the situation in an open and rational way. If he starts acting difficult, defensive and tells you you're being selfish, then he's not hearing, understanding you, and respecting your feelings. If you're feeling a feeling, good or bad, then it's real. Don't doubt or deny yourself of that. You've also got to let him know that if this is a mirror into what the future holds for you two, then you can't do it for the rest of your life. You'll end up so depressed, you'll never get out of it.

 

What about couples therapy? Suggest that. If he loves you, he will want to make sure you're happy and he'll want to work things out.

 

I know you love this guy, but if he's going to put work and everything else before you, then he's really not the one for you. You love him with all your heart, you care for him, you're familiar with him, there are things you really love about him, and you'd love to spend the rest of your life with him. But ask yourself why you feel so empty and alone all the time. That's a definite negative about being with him. If he's not willing to change, then 60% he may be great for you, but that overpowering 40% is killing you and is something you shouldn't have to give up. If you're posting this email and looking for advice, then this has been going on for a long time and it's really hurting you and it sounds like you've exhausted many options. You're not happy and he's not fulfilling you, no matter how much you want him to. Life too short to spend it miserable and always having to compromise your feelings. If this guy isn't willing to change, I can assure you it will only get worse 5, 10, 15 yrs down the line.

[Ed]

You are responsible for your own happiness. It is not someone else's job. If you are not happy, you have to do something about it.

 

If you are not happy with the status of a relationship it is your responsibility to say something about it. What you do after that depends on what you expect the other person to do about it. If you expect them to change their life to accommodate you, you are in for a rough time. There does have to be a lot of give and take in relationships, but people have to do what they feel is in their own best interest and it may not be what you want or expect from them.

 

The best thing for you to do is take responsibility for creating your own happiness, with or without anyone else's help or cooperation. That means you have to make choices about what you like and what you don't like. Don't go around with a chip on your shoulder or feeling sorry for yourself because you have to do it all alone. It's your job anyway. Getting mad or otherwise upset about it will not get you where you want to be.

 

The only thing that will get you what you want out of life is for you to make choices that get you there or take you in that direction. Try to fill your life with things you like to do. Take the burden off of your partner to fulfill them for you. Get involved with friends and activities. Schedule more outings for yourself and for the two of you. Get out of the house and away from the computer and TV more often.

 

The worst thing you can do is blame your unhappiness on someone else. Unless you are being held captive by someone, you have the freedom to make your own choices and pursue your own goals. Be happy about that! If you go about it with a good attitude, others will follow along and want to be a part of it too.

[not a victim]

i'm in a real bind here and i need some honest opinions on this subject. my fiance has been working way too much lately and coming home distracted with work on his mind which means he isn't really here with me. the only day we have together is sunday's and that is spend running around and doing errands. i am feeling somewhat neglected lately and feeling sorry for myself. it seems the only time he really relaxes is when we go out and he has some beers. he comes home around six in the evening and we talk a little while then it seems he goes on the computer and i sit on the couch or if i'm on the computer he sits on the couch and watches t.v. it almost seems he doesn't want to be around me, but when we go to bed he holds me tight and tells me how much he loves me. i understand that he is really stressed by his job, and that he will not change jobs, i've asked him, he says he is working hard to get us ahead, but i told him, i'd rather live in a nice little apt. and let someone else have the responsibility and burden of owning this house and up keep with it. sure it is nice to live in a house, but what good is it when you are not fully happy? i want us to be together more, when he is home, i want his mind here not still at work. i feel selfish for this, but at the same time, i feel pretty lonely. i know if i left him, it would hurt him alot and it would devastate me as well and i may end up regretting it down the road. i know some woman would be very fortunate to have him, he is a very good provider and has many good traits but can also be a real ass. so i have this real and painful delima on my hands and it seems either way i am going to hurt, but i don't want to hurt either way but maybe i'm missing the big picture and someone else can see it from what i wrote.