screwed up so badly

[manwhothinksnow]

here is the story of our marriage:

my wife and I married 15 years ago. I was a virgin at 27 and 7 years of marriage I was able to talk her into doing some "swinging" so I can get over the fact that I was never able to have sex with women other than my wife. She agreed and we did that for 3 years. She did it because she loved me. Then I decided to venture on my own. My wife caught me and we had a big fight during which I insisted like a little boy not to give up my newly found toy (sex with women). For my wife her vision of marriage and love came to a crushing halt. However she agreed to stay with me for how long she can handle it.

5 years fast forward after what I thought were 5 very happy years. Not because I had extramartial sex once in a while but in my mind we were just a very happy couple. Half year ago my wife meets a man and starts to see him more often. I talked to her a lot about her getting into an emotional affair and of course it happened. I think the important point is that this man has restored my wife's view on love and marriage and that's why she loves him.

Now I came to realize that I had a distorted view of marriage and now I know that I want to be in a committed relationship, love one woman and be faithful to her. I slowly see now that sex can be more than just lust, horniness and a sport. I am even a little bit enthusiastic about my new outlook on life. While it looks like it's too late for my wife and me since too much damage has been done, I am a bit insecure whether I can really change my ways of thinking. I really want to but I am afraid I will fall into old patterns again. I see my past now as a man without morals or any standard of living an honest or decent life and that makes me very sad. After 40 years on this earth doing things the wrong way how can I change my life? Has anyone had experience to go through such a fundamental change?

I am now in therapy for sex addiction and it opened my eyes what I have done in the last few years. When I listened to the short statements of each of the other men I recognized me in so many ways. I am confident that I can overcome my out of control sexual behavior but will I be able to transform my feelings about love and marriage to a more healthy and sustainable one? Am I just a remorseful man who wants his wife back or have a really gone through a fundamental change in my life? Natureally only time will be able to answer this buy maybe some of you went through similar problems.

Thanks for listening

[portableversion]

now deal.

 

Swinging couples often end up like this. One partner isn't into it, but does it anyway...and in the process finds another person who isn't into it either. They end up together.

 

You probably should let your wife go. THis other man has what she needs. What she doesn't need is a sex addict. You should probably stay single awhile, and travel to southeast asia for an indefinite sex tour. you'll eventually get burnt out on it.

[Pink_Tulip]

You made your bed, as it were. You need to let your wife go and be happy with someone who can respect her and treat her well. Even if you do talk her into staying, she will never fully trust you again. She will never be able to completely love you again. She will always resent you. You have had a party for the last 15 years at her expense, now it is her turn to finally be happy. Wish her well and don't give her any grief, since this is of your making.

[Trimmer]

Boy, tough crowd...

 

You should probably stay single awhile, and travel to southeast asia for an indefinite sex tour.

 

portableversion - is this the best you've got for someone who has admitted a huge failure in his life, has admitted he's lost his wife, has admitted he's a sex addict and is seeking therapy for it, and is struggling with an insecurity as to his ability to truly change? c'mon- the guy has admitted to some horrible behavior, but he's understandably searching for anyone with a common experience to share. His whole post isn't about "how do I get my wife back", it's "can I really change?" The first, most important question for someone with a problem to ask...

 

manwhothinksnow, given the damage done, and your changed outlook, you may just need to view your wife's departure as her last gift to you... I hope you find someone here with appropriate experience to offer some support or advice.

 

Just to clarify, in one spot, you say "While it looks like it's too late for my wife and me since too much damage has been done...", but then later "Am I just a remorseful man who wants his wife back...". Knowing the damage that has been done, what do you think? Do you have any reason to have any hope of reconciliation, or is it pretty clear to you that you've lost her?

[Pink_Tulip]

Ok, this is gonna be harsh. If you have a thin skin, you may want to skip it.

 

Trimmer- If he had done something that only hurt himself, I'd be more sympathetic. But I can't even begin to imagine the hell his poor wife went through for 15 years b/c he felt entitled to a little on the side. And what about children?

 

And as far as sex addiction, I have worked with sex addicts. They do not simply have a few flings here and there for fun. A true sex addict masturbates up to 50 times a day, sometimes til they are raw and bleeding. It isn't fun. It is more of a compulsive disorder, and often they are helped with drugs for OCD. A guy who really likes sex is, well, about 100% of the male population. Because you do not have the integrity to keep it within your marriage does not make you an 'addict.' I hate how our society has made victims out of people who like to cheat. Yes that is harsh, but again, I can't imagine the total degredation his wife has lived for the past 15 years b/c of his selfishness. Maybe this guy is a true addict, but again, I have found many times people call themselves addicts when its really about bad choices, b/c it just sounds better.

 

Can he change? Of course he can. Does he want to? I don't believe so. That is why I didn't address that. If he wanted to change, he would have done it the no doubt countless times he saw the torture in his wifes eyes when she knew he was screwing around. It wasn't until she got up the strength to leave that he all of a sudden had a change of heart. Very convenient.

 

If you truly want to change, OP, good. Please go to counseling, and stay in it for a very long time before you get into a new relationship. But don't guilt your wife into staying. Let her finally live in happiness and peace with someone she can trust and respect. JMO.

 

**and yes I have a degree in psych and know that there are also more liberal definitions of sex addiction, I don't buy them.

[Trimmer]

PT - no, your points are fair, and my skin seems at least thick enough thus far. (Unless you were talking about his...)

 

It may well be that I have not had the exposure to sex addicts, etc. that you have, and I acknowledge that that background would likely color anyone's experiences and expectations....

 

My point is that I don't see him talking about managing or manipulating or guilting his wife into anything - it looks like he may well have realized and accepted that he's lost her. If that is the case, I give him credit for already realizing that he's "made his bed" and now has to lie in it. So I don't see any help in further rubbing his nose in that.

 

And indeed, the loss of his wife may have finally been the sufficient wake up call to make him realize the need for change, but short of that timing, I don't see anything else in his post that leads me to your conclusion that I shouldn't believe he really wants to change.

 

In the end, I think my point is that he comes on here and says 'I acknowledge doing damaging things, I claim to want to change, and I'm looking for people with similar experiences to share,' and we respond with "hey, you did damaging things, and we don't believe you want to change." Well, end of discussion, I guess...

 

I don't know, I'm open to it - convince me - are his transgressions so severe that he doesn't deserve support here?

 

Geez, don't know why I'm taking his "side"... go easy on me now!

[jonesgirly]

The part that bothers me most is that you were able to 'talk her into' a lifestyle that suited you, but not her. You recognize that your wifes vision of love and marriage "came to a crashing halt" after discovering that you had "ventured out on your own", but you continued anyway.

 

Not much respect or love for that person, huh?

 

Let her go, let her be with someone who isn't as selfish, who has the same vision of life and love as she does. You tried to talk her out of the same 'type' of thing that she tried to talk you out of five years ago. Imagine the loneliness she experienced for five, long, years.

 

If this is truly what your wife wants, and I'm assuming communication is open enough for you to be able to know this, then I say, let her be happy. The hell of living with a truly selfish man, is just that.....hell. His needs will always come first, regardless of anyone elses' needs or wants. As you've said, there was no compromising from you in this area.

 

Be forewarned though, that your newfound "availability" (when single), will probably not be the utopia for 24/7 sex with women. It is often the allure of the 'unknown' that makes it so desirable, and when given freely, it suddenly loses all of its appeal.

 

I will give you a point though, for even posting here, looking for advice. Most really selfish guys don't even look for advice from others!

[Pink_Tulip]

Lol Trimmer, I was talking about any potential reader's skin, not specifically yours. I like you too much to tear you a new one... yet.

 

And you are right on many points. I guess it's hard for women like myself, many of whom have histories of our own with selfish husbands, to hear something like this and automatically become sympathetic. And being a woman, I of course read it differently than you did. You see him being much more remorseful than I, and obviously PV, do.

 

I have had my own issues, but nothing even close to this. I find it impossible to empathize with the OP, only his wife, which is why my response is more focused on her. I really don't know what to say to the OP that wouldn't be terribly offensive, except that I truly hope you are sincere in wanting to change, and if so, I wish you luck.