I'm turning into one of those typical chicks! :S

[AlwaysHope]

this thread addresses the issues that SO many people have with their LDRs, myself included.

 

like the OP, i get carried away analyzing the tone of his voice, and sometimes do creepy things like freak out about something i hear in the background of wherever he is. he just seems less affectionate than when we're together somehow, and i always end up thinking that something is wrong.

 

i've also tried the semi-game of being less availabe, not bringing my phone with me everywhere, getting involved in more extracurricular activities, and doing things for myself. and you guys are right...it doesn't really work as a permanent solution, although the boys are usually very nice for a week or two.

 

i was talking about these things with a friend who is in a LD marriage right now, and we came to a conclusion about our guys. that's just it: they're guys. we are still young (early 20s), and our boyfriends/husbands are just boys at heart. they think that driving to see us every few weeks is more than enough, and they don't feel the urge to be lovey-dovey over the phone. when my boyfriend comes down here for a football weekend (i go to a Huge football school!!), it's all about the game! but it's not because he doesn't love me...it's because he loves football too. they sometimes are inconsiderate, or in a bad mood, but it's not because they don't love us.

 

the magic of relationships is that guys don't usually play games. what he says is what he means. when he's in a bad mood and grouchy on the phone, he tells me he's in a bad mood, but i interpret that as "i'm mad at you." when his tone is off, it's usually because he's tired, but i think it's because he's not interested in talking to me. women are all about double-meanings, but men are not.

 

so try to relax a little bit even if your guy can't use the "i'm just a guy" excuse like mine can, you can still make an effort to stop reading into everything and chill out. that's helped me more than anything...realizing that he has no interest in playing emotional games, and that he probably couldn't do it if he tried!

[spinningmywheels]

the magic of relationships is that guys don't usually play games. what he says is what he means.

 

AlwaysHope, I know there's truth in the above statement, and I agree with it, to a point. But what about when they're cheating? or flirting with other people? Or not sharing parts of their life with you?

 

That's what got me really freaked out - when he started on MySpace and put up all these people (a lot of them women) whom I never even heard him talk about, let alone met. And we've been together almost 7 years.

 

Ever since we became LDR, I've struggled with the overreacting, the wondering what's going on in his head, dying inside because he doesn't do his share to make sure we see each other even semi-regularly (we're in the midst of another month apart. Why? Because I'm tired of driving down there every. damn. weekend. and feel like I can't afford the gas/tolls. oh, and he won't take a day off of work!).

 

And all of that is hard enough - but combine it with an "ugh, why didn't he tell me about (blank)?", and some personality changes, including a lessening of sexual desire and a lie.... and my ability to trust him just feels like it's in shreds.

 

I don't think, at this point, that he's cheating. But I'm wondering, and don't want to be gullible, and in a way it feels worse.

 

and Guest?

 

He's coming down in a couple of days and I can't wait to see him. but a part of me just feels deprived and i don't want to give in to him when its convenient for him. Am I just being silly?

 

I don't think that's silly at all. I think it's a question of each partner pulling their weight, and if he's not doing enough to see you, than he might not be.

 

I had/have (as these things don't seem to go away) a similar situation in that I am always going to see him - but he never asks for me to come down. I go because I want to see him. I have told him a few times I need him to ask me, to invite me - that I feel like I'm imposing myself on him.

 

He says he always wants me there and I don't need an invite. But I can't read his mind, and he's not always great at expressing his thoughts.

It may sound like a super trivial thing, but when it's happening for months on end and you're making all the effort in the relationship and the other person can't even say "I'd love to see you Friday night", you become sensitive. Several times I have chosen not to make the drive because it felt like he didn't really want me there.

 

The best advice, though, came from my mom, who said "if you want to see him, than see him." basically, don't do anything to spite him -- you just end up spiting yourself. It's tough to follow sometimes, but when i think of her telling me that it helps me relax.