Is it possible to just be friends with a man you were involved with?

[Tina]

I've been having a crisis with my boyfriend. Haven't seen him for a long time and we have had difficult phone conversations.

 

He suggested that in order to fight less we become friends for now. I was really hurt and upset by him saying this because I interpreted it that he didn't desire me anymore as a woman, and for me that is the worst thing imaginable. He said it would be easier and less painful for both of us right now, but he said the future was open.

 

So many times before he told me that I had so much power over him because I was so sesual and the sexiest woman he had ever met, in fact he never imagined there could be a person like me. (I didn't particularly find him the sexiet man there ever was, but for me sex wasn't everything). SO what I'm asking is this: How can he turn around and be so strong as to suggest this friend bull-sh-t stuff??? SO you really think that if I were to see him again he would not be attracted to me?? Is this just a method for him to try to "calme me down" a bit. Is it a sadistic game?

[Carrie]

You kind of have no choice but to take it at face value. Many times I've tried to decode what a guy is basically telling me straight out. Guys usually don't play those kinds of games. When they end it, it's because they're ending it and they don't want you to chase them. Sometimes when when a woman ends it, it's because we're hoping to get a reaction out of them and hoping that the guy will come running after us, begging for us back. With all of my experiences, when a guy says, I think we should slow it down, or just be friends for a while, there really saying that they want to slow it down (so they can see other people and let's be friends for a while, means let's end it now, take a break and let's see if I miss you in the future. If I miss you in the future, then I'll come back to you and maybe try to work it out. That's exactly what he's saying to you. You really should not call him and give him his space for him to decide. If he really loves you, he'll be back, but only if you leave him alone and don't beg him to work things out. If you do, it's highly unlikely that he will change his mind and you'll only make things worse if you beg.

[MercyRose]

Some men are so excited in the beginning, as soon as they have 'won' you or know all about you they lose interest.

 

you are not a challenge and not a mystery anymore to them. It sucks i know...

 

Guess all you can do is respect yourself and move on. This lets be friends so you can be a spare in case he doesn't find anyone better is not what you deserve.

 

Also some men may desire a woman very much but never want to commit to such a woman. Don't ask me why.

 

I have been in your situation. I was only over him when I stopped the lets be friends then found someone else.

 

Now I am friends with the ex cos i am over him. However it beats me why he wants to be friends and still has a passionate desire for my 'sensual' side without actually wanting me in his life.

 

Its weird and I think I keep the friends thing going so i can rub it in his face that someone else has the sensual side of me and he doesn't. For some weird reson this satisfies me but i still don't understand him. )

 

Find someone better who will love you to bits, and want to keep you too. You deserve the absolute best and nothing less.

[Ed]

I would not doubt for one minute that he is sexually attracted to you or that he desires you as a woman, but there is more to a relationship than sex and desire. Apparently, he is not satisfied with the other aspects of the relationship.

 

Telling you that he wants to be "just friends" is his way of backing off so he can see if this what he really wants. You really have no choice but to give him the space he wants if you want to try and salvage the relationship.

 

In the mean time, go about your life doing the things you enjoy. Meet new people and date other guys. Maybe you will find someone else that you are more sexually attracted to and have less fights with.

[midori]

Hm, a lot of the things you've mentioned here are things I've been through with my ex. Many of the questions you're asking I've asked too, and have yet to find satisfactory answers.

 

One thing: you say you haven't seen your bf in a while and that your phone conversations are difficult: why is that? Why are you only communicating with your bf over the phone? Had the relationship already deteriorated, or ended before his "let's just be friends" line?

 

I think Carrie is right, it's futile to try to read anyone else's mind (especially a man's!) and it's best to take them at face value. Of course if you know that you're dealing with someone whose words say one thing and actions say another, that makes taking words at face value a little difficult. Context is going to be an important consideration. I don't know enough about your particular situation to know where to begin, but here are some things that occur to me:

 

- the "you're the sexiest woman I've ever known" line might just be that -- a line that he uses with every woman he's with. It's smart when you think about it, making a woman feel sexy and sensual is likely to encourage her to BE sexy and sensual.

 

- or you might actually be the sexiest woman he's ever encountered but he's got other considerations that are going to take precedence (career, feelings for another woman, who knows) and so he's not willing to incorporate the sexual chemistry he feels with you into a full-blown, committed relationship.

 

- or he thinks that every woman he gets involved with is at the time the sexiest he's ever encountered, and once the infatuation wears off so too does his belief that she's the sexiest.

 

- either way he doesn't want to have a relationship with you.

 

You say that you didn't find this guy to be the sexiest man ever but that was OK because for you "sex wasn't everything" -- but earlier you said that him not finding you desirable as a woman was "the worst thing imaginable." There seems to be a bit of a contradiction there, don't you think? Leads me to wonder if your relationship with this guy was very fulfilling -- was it? Or were you sticking with it in the hope that things would improve? Is this really something you want to salvage for its own sake, or are you insulted and angry that he was the first one to throw in the towel? I just bring that up as food for thought.

 

The last thing I have to offer is the suggestion that you meet him face to face to settle things. It might be easier for you to get a handle on where he's coming from.

 

Good luck!

 

-midori