So she's back.. maybe heh.

[Darin]

Please refer to this post for my last update:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86145/

 

Anyway, so I moved back to STL at the end of april as planned. For the first week we didn't speak much, I had told her that it was impossible for me to be her friend -- because my feelings for her were not gone, and also because she continued to want more than just friendly feelings from me (i could easily tell that she enjoyed the fact that she could talk with me and still feel loved, etc).

 

After about a week of not talking we broke down and started talking somewhat back and forth.. and then more often.

 

Ultimately though it was always the same thing. She was continuing to date this new guy... he lived far away (an hour drive) so she only would see him on her weekends (she's off thurs + fri). I could tell she wasn't "happy" per se, because during the weeks instead of spending time talking to him on the phone after she got off work or whatnot she'd call me and we'd talk for a few hours -- but every weekend for her it was the same, I wouldn't hear from her for a couple days and then all of the sudden she was back again.

 

Needless to say every week when she'd talk to me so much I would be drawn back into this hope that we were going to be something again or that there were still feelings -- only to be crushed by the weekend.

 

Well 2 weeks ago I said i was done. I told her that i truly was finding it hard to move on with my own life because of the emotional rollercoaster I kept getting in line for. I didn't really tell her much else... didn't say I wasn't going to talk to her anymore or anything... I just stopped calling her, stopped answering the phone etc.

 

So this wednesday she sends me a txt msg that says "pls send back the $ i sent you and get a new cell phone so I can cancel the line. Cutting ties will help you move on". (she had sent me $2000 to help me get going after my move -- remember (i think i put this in the previous threads) that I had paid 95% of all bills in the apt we lived in for 2 years -- so I didn't feel too bad about it. ;P.. and yeah I was still on the family cell plan with her).

 

So i called her up ... which meh, I didn't know if is hould or not. I just basically said that I would send back the money and get a phone asap. I said thanks for helping me out and ... basically said nothing else.

 

So she txt'd me again "Well i think you made it obvious today that you want to have nothing else to do with me & i guess I understand".

 

I didn't reply...

 

I get a txt 2 days later that says "i miss you :("

 

Then the night of that "I watched your video & it brought me to tears.. it was really sweet.. i miss you (("

 

I had made a video of some of the stuff we took together (like vacation videos and photos) with some of our songs and a poem I had written for her.. i made this in january after she and i broke up because i was a totally dependant fool that felt it may make her think of what we were, etc. She didn't watch it til last week.

 

I still didn't respond to her so she txt'd me the next day "so i've realized you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Have a wonderful life and remember that I will always love you".

 

Okay now, wtf? She'll always love me? Wasn't it her who 6 months ago broke up with me... and then her that dated other people?

 

Well she finally got me to respond. i wasn't gonna take that laying down. ;P

 

So I emailed her and said all of the things I have felt for the last 6 months. How I feel about her, how I still have emotional feelings for her, how I have not stopped loving her just because I am trying to give her the space SHE wanted and start to come to terms with the fact that SHE is dating other people, etc.

 

So she responded that she was just so jumbled up and scared to death of losing me. She didn't know what was going on in her head.

 

I responded and said I didn't understand why, she had a new relationship etc. I said that I have sat around for 6 months continuing to love her, watching her date other people - how sadistic is that? -- and that I had always hoped that I was worth fighting for -- but now was finally coming to terms that she wasn't willing to fight for me.

 

So she responds that she is not happy with the guy she's dating and she feels like she has spent the last 6 months going through phases hoping to find with someone else what she once had with me "and it's not possible" she says.

 

She followed that up with " I can't stop thinking about what we had, the memories we made, what we were, who you are... it all leads back to you. I feel like I've spent months of my life searching in vain for what I already had with you.

 

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. It feel like I've already lost you."

 

So i responded to her and asked her what she wants with me, and told her I was very sick of being toyed with.

 

Her general response is that she feels like she made a mistake but is afraid that if we were to try things again that it would be different.. and not feel right... or that she will be wrong in her feelings again and will have hurt me and herself again etc. So she basically says she is terrified of trying "us" again.

 

I asked her if she knew from the 4 years we were together what type of person I am -- she says yes -- I ask if she recognizes that type of person as the type of person she wants to be with for the rest of her life, etc. She says yes. I ask her what the scarier risk is -- trying things again with the possibility of failing... or not trying with 100% failure rate. She admits that trying would be less scary.

 

But she's been somewhat distant -- she HASN'T TOLD THE OTHER GUY YET. And so on and so forth.

 

I asked her why she hasn't told this new guy that she doesn't really like him anymore -- regardless of if she were to get with me it's not fair to let it linger. She says she doesn't want to hurt him and that it is her "social life" now... she enjoys hanging out with him and his friends.

 

You have to understand, and I'm not sure I posted this before -- we were severely lacking in friends. I moved to ATL to be with her (ie, all of my close friends at home were 600 miles away), and my friends at work at the time she didn't really like. She has lived in ATL all her life but her 2 best friends have moved away (to colorado and to a different side of the city), and she just really doesn't have any friends. I have mentioned to her that that was most definitely part of our problem (imagine spending 4 yrs of your life hanging out with your g/f or b/f but not really anyone else... would get monotonous after a while).

 

Anyway... so I've told her that if we were even going to give it another chance that I would be interested in taking it very slowly -- dating at first etc. I live 600 miles away from her now so slowly really would be the only option atm, anyway. But i guess my biggest concern is she just really doesn't know wtf she wants in her life. She has always been indecisive like this, and I guess not only do i not expect it to change... but I suppose that I accept that as part of her personality.

 

So, what do you guys think. ;P Oh and just for those who are curious, I do still love her. Deeply. I fully intended to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.

[destination_unknown]

I dont know what to make of that at all. Why does she have to make new friends through her boyfriend? Whats the problem with making new friends through a hobby or club on her own?

 

I think its ultimatum time. Its completely unfair for you to allow yourself to be strung along like this. You seem to feel bad for her indecisiveness, she is an adult and capable of making a decision. I would tell her its time to fish or cut bait and then move on with your life if she doesnt make a decision. Your not an elastic band, there is only so much you should allow yourself to take.

 

If you did get back together would moving closer to each other be an option? Perhaps she feels she couldnt deal with the long distance - that I could understand.

[Darin]

Eventually I would be willing to move again. It's tough on me, moving back and forth, but i respect the time she's spent with the private employer she works for and the fact that she is currently attending school there as well. I am the more flexible one -- and frankly have been the one that makes sacrifices more often.

 

But I wouldn't move until I felt she was wholey committed again. And she needs to build up my trust in her again.

 

Ultimatum time sounds like what I feel like I need to do. We spoke on the phone for 2 hrs last night but didn't talk about or resolve any of this current situation. It was great to talk to her, but I felt like writing her an email this morning and telling her that I am very enthusiastic about a possibility of getting together and giving "us" another try... but that I don't want to be yanked around anymore and that she needs to tie off whatever loose ends she has before continuing what we started last night.

 

Oh and, my best friend mentioned -- since I was the one who sacrificed before and moved there to her and spent 4 years away from her... that if she wouldn't be willing to move to here for some reason.. maybe she would be willing if we both left our jobs and moved to a brand new place for both of us.

 

That would be pretty tough, though.

[Spitkicker]

Too be completely honest with you, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MSITAKE OF YOUR LIFE.

 

the reason I say this is that I went throught the exact same thing this past month. I was ready to leave and focus on me, but she came at me hard about wanting me and loving me and stuff like that. I gave her that chance and even let her break up with that dude on her own terms.

 

Darin, she's lying to you man. The honest truth is her and the other dude are doing really badly right now and she just wants you as a back up plan. She won't break up with the dude.. or if she does.. she definately won't stop seeing him and his friends. What will happen is she'll be indecisive for a few weeks and during those few weeks she'll start having feelings for that guy again.

 

Then you will be left out in the rain having to heal your heart all over again.

 

The best thing you can do is this.

 

Let her know that yall can't do anything until she is broken up with the other guy. And that he is no longer in the picture what so ever ( this is crucial ).

 

You have to keep ignoring her no matter what until she says.. me and the other guy aren't together anymore and we don't contact each other anymore.

 

That's the only chance you'll have at doing things right. Just keep doing your thing and don't let her draw you back in with "i'm confused"

 

She has to show you that she WANTS you through her actions. Actions matter the most not her words. Don't turn into a chump like me... you can get her back just be strong.

[sirjay]

I agree. It sounds like you have made massive commitments, she has zero reason to doubt you and you should make this clear: she has to prove herself to you. I personally think she should move to your area. That way, she will have proven herself and she would be physically away from the other guy.

 

I was caught up between two women in the past and you don't know what you feel about either of them in the end. The only way you make a decision is when one of them either makes it for you or you get an ultimatum. You go after the one you think you are going to lose. So I think you need to be hardcore about this. She will always be confused if she has feelings for more than one guy. You need a buffer zone between her ending that and you starting something new, for the feelings to die down and for her to be sure. You don't want her changing her mind again.

 

If she refuses to do it: well then you know the score and you can find peace.

 

Good luck!

[Darin]

So yeah, this afternoon i finally popped the question. We had been talking on and off just about life etc, normal conversations, hadn't talked about the possibility of getting back together, etc.

 

So I said today "So have you had time to put into consideration what you want to do about us?"

 

She more or less told me that this new guy was still in the picture and she didn't feel like it was time to give up on that relationship.

 

I told her that that meant that all of what she had just wrote me was bs and that I was fed up with this s***.

 

She says it's not bs, that she doesn't know that she likes him she just feels like she would be giving up too easily or too hastily. She says she still loves me and is scared of losing me.

 

I told her that she can call me when she's 110% interested in trying this again, and single. Completely.

 

I told her otherwise, I would be working on what I was doing before, learning how to live my life without her.

 

So whatever, I guess it's not going to happen. My logical side says it's probably for the best -- but the fact that I still love her leaves me in anguish, again.

[Darin]

Btw....

 

I know her well enough to know this guy isn't her type. She likes him because he's young (she's 24, he's 21) and that makes her feel young again (she's got some maturity issues). She likes him because he's attractive (I am 26 and well.. lets just say not in the shape I used to be in... though I have been doing the gym thing 6 days a week for the last several months so that I can get myself back into shape so that I can build my own confidence).

 

I know the guy, not directly (not a friend of mine) but I've spokenw ith him and seen him around a bit. He's not very bright. I know her well enough (She's very intellegent) to know that she's going to get very bored with him eventually. I think that has a lot to do with this all too, she knows that I am her type ultimately and she feels like she's going to lose that chance.

 

I'm not willing to be the sidelined boyfriend anymore though.

[bendit]

You are her emotional backup her emotional tampon. She doesn't want to give up the boy toy nor does she want to to give up your emotional comfort and support. You are being used but HE is getting the nookie! You ain't! This can continue indefinitely because what is the incentive to change? Its working for her. And as long as you cooperate she has the best of both worlds. She has a young buck in the sack, and you hang around accepting of this and available to her only emotionally, which is perfect for her.

 

She is NON committal. She isn't going to commit. She is conflicted. That's not so odd for someone who is 24. The question is why are you accepting such a rotten deal? Try and realize your own strengths and how you could be attractive to others. Don't be her backup. Don't offer her "something" and not get what you need back. She is boinking another guy. I wouldn't want her back if I knew she was doing that. Think about it. She is choosing HIM over you, rejecting you in the strongest fashion. Your boundaries are weak so you don't really see it that way but continue to think about the dynamics of this situation and how she is getting ALL her needs met, and you are getting none of YOUR real needs met, only your perceived needs.

 

regards

[Spitkicker]

i know it hurts now.... but it would have hurt a whole lot more if you went through with it. Actually I'm really proud of you for being stronger than me. Now you know know.. she's going to still test you in the coming weeks.. and will proabbly lie to you some more about some things. Your job is to ignore her advances.

 

Just think about it this way.. Don't give her a second chance to reject you.

It happened to me man... and I just can't get over it anymore.. it hasn't really sunk in yet.. and I'm so depressed.. Everything that I have worked hard for to get over her is back down the drain. I honestly hate myself right now for falling for it.

 

Please bro, don't fall for it. Be strong.

[Darin]

I'm willing to give her a second chance.

 

After she proves she's 110% interested and will give 110% effort.

 

I doubt she'll do it, so instead of waiting around anymore I am going to try to learn to cope without her.

[Spitkicker]

I'm willing to give her a second chance.

 

After she proves she's 110% interested and will give 110% effort.

 

I doubt she'll do it, so instead of waiting around anymore I am going to try to learn to cope without her.

 

that's a good man. I just initiated no contact like 15 minutes ago.

 

We need to start acting like men and do what's right for us.

 

I know i'm going to have my moments of weakness, so i'll be on these forums or praying to god for some added strength.