Routine driving me up the wall

[Adora]

My fiance and I have been together since 2001. We have just recently (within the last week) moved into our first apartment. We were both staying at my parents home since this past Feb., before then we were living at our parents home, staying the night with one another a few times a week.

 

I know that we are both madly in love with one another, and we share a lot of interests with eachother, except our sex life we do not see eye to eye on.

 

It seems routine to me. There is absolutely no romance what so ever. Each night I know what to expect when I go to bed. Some nights I am exhausted, from work, and this past week we have been moving non-stop into the new place. I just want to sleep

 

It has been this way tho I noticed since we've been living together since past Feb. We've talked, I have expressed I don't want to feel like a puppet for his pleasure whenever he feels the need. He grabs my rear, my breasts, whatever whenever I walk by him - he is always hot and it really drives me up the wall. It just doesn't sink in with him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love sex, I love being romantic, cuddling, all the good stuff, just not as often as he. It is like he has a one track mind and it makes me crazy.

 

Last night when I got into bed I so wanted to just close my eyes and fall out... he then starts coping a feel on me and I say I am extremely tired, I commute 40 minutes 1 way to work and needed my rest.. I then roll over then start to feel the bed shaking.. It urks me, feeling the vibration of him pleasuring himself. It wouldn't bother me if it was occasionally, but he needs it each and every day, sometimes times, often times, more than once a day.

 

I just don't know what else to do, what to say to him to get him to understand that sometimes, its just not the right time, and to for once just lay down next to me, hold eachother and just fall off into dreamland together, without sex being an ingredient.

 

[JackJack]

This is something that needs to be delt with before you all get married or it will only get worse. Unfortunatly, the only thing you can do is talk to him about how this makes you feel. Let him kow you love him and that sex is important but not all the time. Maybe he has a higher sex drive than you? You all will need to come to some kind of compromise on the matter. If you have talked with him about this, maybe he doesn't realize how serious you feel on the matter or perhaps he does and just doesn't care. If that is the case, then theres a real problem that goes way beyond sex.

[sumdude]

Hmmm, how to approach this. Having a high libido myself I know in the past i drove my now wife crazy in a similar way.

 

Just say no and clearly explain why, that you need sleep etc. If he refuses to let you sleep move to the sofa so you can sleep. (this will also tell him you're serious)

Let him pout, sulk get angry. (he will) You try to keep your cool.

Tell him that when you're feeling up for it, it's much better

Don't withhold sex to 'teach him a lesson'

[Adora]

Thank you guys, I appreciate your help

 

I have had numerous conversations with him about this topic, and in the end I usually end up with the guilt trip. So I am basically at a road block on this one.

 

I do not hold out on sex with him, because as I said I do enjoy it myself, just not as often as he does

 

Our moods just seem to be at different times which doesn't help the matter, but I am sure, and hopeful, that we can get through this. At least I pray we do

[Outcast]

It urks me, feeling the vibration of him pleasuring himself. It wouldn't bother me if it was occasionally, but he needs it each and every day, sometimes times, often times, more than once a day.

 

It shouldn't irk you. Men have more testosterone. Testosterone is the engine of sex drive. He didn't choose to be that way. And yes, while he's young especially, he'll need it sometimes several times a day and that's not his choice either. So if he chooses to take care of the problem himself, be happy about it - other guys resort to porn or even affairs.

 

You know how it is when you just NEED that cup of coffee and nothing will do but to have it? Well what if he said to you that he wished you'd stop needing cups of coffee, got mad at you for craving them, and got mad when you got yourself a cup of coffee?

 

It's not hurting you; you have to accept that you're different, that he's horny, and that's the problem with being male. But if you show understanding rather than irritation and are nice to him anyway, I'm sure he'll make more of an effort to be a better lover. It's almost miraculous how being nice to someone will make them willing to be nice back.

[typical]

I then roll over then start to feel the bed shaking.. It urks me, feeling the vibration of him pleasuring himself.

 

:lmao:

 

Okay, lets try this again

 

I then roll over then start to feel the bed shaking.. It urks me, feeling the vibration of him pleasuring himself.

 

In a way, this is actually very passive aggressive...

 

I have mixed feelings about this particular statement. ..

 

1. I am creeped out by this.....is the bathroom really that far away?

2. On the plus side, he must be very comfortable with you

3. He is being inconsiderate of your wants and desires. Fine, he wants sex. Its clear you dont. But him pulling at his pud while you are trying to sleep right next to him is like saying "She wont give me sex and I cant do nothing about it, but shes gonna have to lay here and listen to it"

[Buttaflyy]

him pulling at his pud while you are trying to sleep right next to him is like saying "She wont give me sex and I cant do nothing about it, but shes gonna have to lay here and listen to it"

 

And what's wrong with that?? He's not forcing her to do anything. If he wants to please himself he should go right ahead! I think:o

[typical]

And what's wrong with that?? He's not forcing her to do anything.- buttaflyy

 

Not physically anyway.

 

I was merely pointing out that it seems a bit passive agressive to me. I dont take issue with him pleasing himself. I think his choice of location is a bit creepy.

 

It just has a passive agressive feel to it.....

 

Men know(or think) that most women wouldnt want them to jack off when they could be having sex. Women sometimes feel hurt, like they werent good enough, guilty because they dont please them properly, or in some extreme cases, jealous. Granted she didnt want sex, but I think he was attempting to get her to roll over and say "oh fine, just plug my hole then, dammit"...anything to shut those squeaky springs up!!!

[Buttaflyy]

Not physically anyway.

 

I was merely pointing out that it seems a bit passive agressive to me. I dont take issue with him pleasing himself. I think his choice of location is a bit creepy.

 

It just has a passive agressive feel to it.....

 

Men know(or think) that most women wouldnt want them to jack off when they could be having sex. Women sometimes feel hurt, like they werent good enough, guilty because they dont please them properly, or in some extreme cases, jealous. Granted she didnt want sex, but I think he was attempting to get her to roll over and say "oh fine, just plug my hole then, dammit"...anything to shut those squeaky springs up!!!

 

 

LOL! Yeah I hear you totally! But if she doesnt give him any and he's not complaining and just rolls over and goes to work. Sounds like she shouldn't complain either. Hey! Enjoy it while it lasts cuz his gonna get tired of palming himself eventually!

[Kenyth]

Biology is a bitch! The urge to have sex for young males is a very strong one. Right up there with hunger and thirst. In the wild, many male animals are expected to fight over the right to mate with females (to prove who is strongest), and then to make as many babies with as many females as possible once they are dominant. Then non-dominant males are expected to try and sneak a couple shots in while the dominant one isn't looking, at a significant risk for personal harm. Testosterone is designed to make all this possible. In comparison to the female, it amplifies sex drive, aggressiveness, and muscle development. The more you have, the more prominent those characteristics. The horniness drives the male animals to risk sex under dangerous circumstances and to fight for the opportunity to have it.

 

Now, mother nature has to balance that out, because those characteristics aren't good under all circumstances. The increased aggressiveness and sex drive can get the male animal, mate, or the young hurt or killed. Excess muscle mass requires more food to nourish it. In nature, food is a much scarcer commodity, and hunger is common during the off-seasons. For this reason men are born with all different levels of testosterone and varying sex drives. Also, younger males tend to be smaller and less experienced. They need the extra sex drive to accomplish their task.

 

Females on the other hand, only need enough sex drive to get pregnant once a year at maximum. That's not much when you think about it. After that, most mother animals tend to keep the young away from the aggressive males to protect them. There is no need or desire for sex now that they have young. This is why most animals have a mating "season". This is when the males become amorous and females go into heat (ovulate) and want to mate. We don't have this particular behavior, humans can mate all year long.

 

You can see how marriage and monagamy throws a wrench into the way our sex drives were programmed by evolution. Now that we are civilized, compromise is crucial. You can't make a man want sex less any more than you can make a woman want it more. You have to compromise. If you're both doing it right, he'll want sex more, but be able to deal with the lack of it and you'll find sex to be a pain in the neck maybe %25 of the time because you don't really want to do it. If my experience has any bearing, this won't happen. Unfortunately, "fairness" seems to be a poorly taught concept these days. The social value at the moment is that it's wrong to make someone have sex who really doesn't want to, so why should someone who doesn't want the sex compromise? They already stand on the right side of the line. The one with the higher sex drive in the relationship is "screwed".

[Outcast]

I think his choice of location is a bit creepy.

 

What is with women who think masturbation is 'icky' such that men have to hide it? It is HOT, baby. H - O - TTTTTTTTT. It's kinda sad IMHO that not only is he not supposed to want sex, but he's also supposed to be ashamed of it and go hide his awful self while he has some solo fun.

[Adora]

It really isn't the fact of him pleasuring himself, because I have absolutely nothing wrong with that, at all. It is the fact that I am laying there, helplessly trying to fall asleep, but am kept up by the him and the bed going at it. There have been plenty of times as Typical has said where I did cave in and say fine, lets do it.

 

I should have worded it differently. If he wants to have at it, more power to him - but please have the respect to do it in another room, or at least move off the bed to the floor.

 

But, I know he does it also just to bother me because when I turn over towards him, he will stop and act like he was doing nothing.. followed by a few mumbles of disgust that I want to sleep and not play. He knows it keeps me awake and that is what makes me mad. I do respect him, he should do the same for me.

[typical]

What is with women who think masturbation is 'icky' such that men have to hide it?

 

I dont remember ever saying it was "icky"...I believe I said I dont take issue with him pleasing himself....I just said that the choice of location is a little creepy is all. Especially because he does it EVERY NIGHT...And yes, its hot, but there is a time and place for everything.

 

She said that it irks her. I could see why. If I am not in to it, I am not into it, no matter how many times he pulls at it. Having to be subjected to it each and every night when I am not into it would be a little irksome and creepy is the point I am trying to make.

[a4a]

I can see why this bothers you.

 

It would be like trying to sleep while your partner is dipping into a bag of chips, crinkling the bag and making crunchy munchy noises ?

[typical]

It is the fact that I am laying there, helplessly trying to fall asleep, but am kept up by the him and the bed going at it. There have been plenty of times as Typical has said where I did cave in and say fine, lets do it.

 

and there you go......as I said, passive aggressive...

 

 

But, I know he does it also just to bother me because when I turn over towards him, he will stop and act like he was doing nothing.. followed by a few mumbles of disgust that I want to sleep and not play. He knows it keeps me awake and that is what makes me mad. I do respect him, he should do the same for me.

 

EXTREMELY passive aggressive...He knows it makes her mad, and he keeps pushing her, knowing she doesnt like it, until she gives in just to have him stop playing games with her.....its not fair, its creepy and its subjecting her to what he wants regardless if she wants it or not. Its not being respectful of her needs and wants. She is TIRED dammit. If he is not, he should remove himself and go do it elsewhere, not purposely stick it in her face until hpefully she finally relents.

 

If he really wanted to pleasure himself because he wasnt getting enough, why lay there and vibrate the bed until she turns over and then pretend like he isnt doing anything AND THEN mumble disgustedly over the woes of her not giving him any??

 

Its not that he may feel frustrated sexually and cant help but to please himself right then and there, it is that he may feel frustrated sexually but he is trying to get her to f*** him with subtle tactics, figuring that if he pesters her enough, she will give in...

[SoleMate]

Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis for some practical advice on understanding what sex means to each of you, and reducing problems associated with differing levels of sexual interest.

[typical]

I can see why this bothers you.

 

It would be like trying to sleep while your partner is dipping into a bag of chips, crinkling the bag and making crunchy munchy noises ? -a4a

 

:lmao: :lmao:

[littlekitty]

What is with women who think masturbation is 'icky' such that men have to hide it? It is HOT, baby. H - O - TTTTTTTTT. It's kinda sad IMHO that not only is he not supposed to want sex, but he's also supposed to be ashamed of it and go hide his awful self while he has some solo fun.

 

Outcast, I love watching my man wank. In fact, it's one of the best ways to get me in the mood.

 

It is not however, respectful to lie next to me and wank away when I have made it clear that I am not in the mood and wish to sleep. Go to the f***ing bathroom...

 

If I turn my man down, he usually ask if he can wank on me (I quite like it sometimes, and often it'll result in me getting in the mood). However, if I was to say no, that I really wasn't in the mood for anything, then he would respect that and either go without, or whip to another room.

 

It's not that he has to hide himself while he has solo fun, it's that in that situation it's pretty disrepectful of his partners wishes to do it right there next to her in bed.

 

It's also not nice to just be 'groped' IMO. I don't like being 'groped' like a piece of meat. Caress me, hold me and then stroke me sure...! But don't just reach on out there and grab my tit...!! Well, unless I just wopped them out for ya!!

[typical]

There have been plenty of times as Typical has said where I did cave in and say fine, lets do it.

 

ahh yes, in other words, A HOSTILE TAKEOVER....

[Adora]

Outcast, I love watching my man wank. In fact, it's one of the best ways to get me in the mood.

 

It is not however, respectful to lie next to me and wank away when I have made it clear that I am not in the mood and wish to sleep. Go to the f***ing bathroom...

 

If I turn my man down, he usually ask if he can wank on me (I quite like it sometimes, and often it'll result in me getting in the mood). However, if I was to say no, that I really wasn't in the mood for anything, then he would respect that and either go without, or whip to another room.

 

It's not that he has to hide himself while he has solo fun, it's that in that situation it's pretty disrepectful of his partners wishes to do it right there next to her in bed.

 

It's also not nice to just be 'groped' IMO. I don't like being 'groped' like a piece of meat. Caress me, hold me and then stroke me sure...! But don't just reach on out there and grab my tit...!! Well, unless I just wopped them out for ya!!

 

This is exactly what I mean. I do not mind it at all, and at times I do enjoy watching then interacting with him as well, as he does me It's just theres a time and place for everything, as someone stated before.

 

I can't help but sometimes think of my past relationship at times too when he pulls these guilt trips on me when I attempt to sleep. And I have explained to him that it reminds me of how my ex use to treat me, tho not as vivid, but the behavior was similar. With my ex, I used to be woken up by him either being on top of me (the whole 9-yards) or by having his wank smacked on my forehead while he was pleasuring himself... I know, what an ass right? Which is why him and I no longer are together.

 

Though those two do not compare equally, the messing with me while I am sleeping/trying .. its just not cool

[littlekitty]

This is exactly what I mean. I do not mind it at all, and at times I do enjoy watching then interacting with him as well, as he does me It's just theres a time and place for everything, as someone stated before.

 

I can't help but sometimes think of my past relationship at times too when he pulls these guilt trips on me when I attempt to sleep. And I have explained to him that it reminds me of how my ex use to treat me, tho not as vivid, but the behavior was similar. With my ex, I used to be woken up by him either being on top of me (the whole 9-yards) or by having his wank smacked on my forehead while he was pleasuring himself... I know, what an ass right? Which is why him and I no longer are together.

 

Though those two do not compare equally, the messing with me while I am sleeping/trying .. its just not cool

 

I hear where you're coming from. It's about respecting boundries and feelings.

 

OMG? Your ex sounds like a complete bastard. I hope you don't mean that you woke up and found him having sex with you while you were sleeping? That's not even funny... that's rape. But either way he sounds like he had no boundries either. Sounds like neither of these guys had/have a whole lot of respect for you.

 

Does he treat you with respect in other areas of life? Is it just the bedroom? I don't understand really how they enjoy having sex knowing they've 'guilted' you into it? How yukky is that knowing that the other person doesn't want to sleep with you, they're just doing it to shut you up? Yuk... that can't be enjoyable... can it?

[Adora]

OMG? Your ex sounds like a complete bastard. I hope you don't mean that you woke up and found him having sex with you while you were sleeping? That's not even funny... that's rape.

 

Yep, I would be awoken by him having his way with me unfortunately

 

Does he treat you with respect in other areas of life? Is it just the bedroom?

 

He does. We do have a very good relationship outside of the bedroom issue. He is very caring, and considerate of me. He'd do anything for me, as I would for him. It's just he doesn't understand, or he does and doesn't seem to care, about the 'it's just not the right time' thing.

 

I don't understand really how they enjoy having sex knowing they've 'guilted' you into it? How yukky is that knowing that the other person doesn't want to sleep with you, they're just doing it to shut you up? Yuk... that can't be enjoyable... can it?

 

I don't get that either. I know if he told me 'not right now, I need to do xyz..' I would accept and respect that, which I have a number of times.

 

Basically this is the one thing in our relationship that isn't working out. He is a very stubborn person in general, as I am too He is the kind of person where if he doesn't get his way he will mope around and pout, so really I do not know how to remedy this aside from giving in.

 

Our work schedules don't help either. He works split shifts, 10am-2pm and 6pm-10pm, while I work 8am-4:30pm weekdays (which ends up being 5:10pm by time I get home from the drive).. I take night classes as well - by time I am in for the night I am exhausted. Weekends we're fine, just during the week it is hectic on us.

[littlekitty]

Yep, I would be awoken by him having his way with me unfortunately

 

That's awful Adora and I'm honestly sorry you had to experience that. It might help to talk to someone about it.

 

He does. We do have a very good relationship outside of the bedroom issue. He is very caring, and considerate of me. He'd do anything for me, as I would for him. It's just he doesn't understand, or he does and doesn't seem to care, about the 'it's just not the right time' thing.

 

Well in that case, there doesn't seem any major red flags that I can see. Just that he's a bit of a hound dog and isn't very good at understanding or wanting to understand how you feel when you say 'not now'!! Hopefully you can keep communicating with him and eventually he'll start to listen.

 

I don't get that either. I know if he told me 'not right now, I need to do xyz..' I would accept and respect that, which I have a number of times.

 

Basically this is the one thing in our relationship that isn't working out. He is a very stubborn person in general, as I am too He is the kind of person where if he doesn't get his way he will mope around and pout, so really I do not know how to remedy this aside from giving in.

 

Yep, I'm a stubbon donkey too, so I know how that goes!!

 

I don't think giving in is the way to go. You'll only end up resenting him more, and feeling that he doesn't respect you. But how on earth do you go about getting him to change his behavior? In the past I've tried acting in the same way to get the message over. Just grabbed his cock going 'ohh yeah baby... you like that'... touble is men being men, that can backfire!!

 

Perhaps the only solution is to keep repeating and explaining how you feel.

 

Our work schedules don't help either. He works split shifts, 10am-2pm and 6pm-10pm, while I work 8am-4:30pm weekdays (which ends up being 5:10pm by time I get home from the drive).. I take night classes as well - by time I am in for the night I am exhausted. Weekends we're fine, just during the week it is hectic on us.

 

This can always make things difficult. Your on different schedules, different times, and therefore probably aren't often in the mood at the same time.

 

Perhaps another open and honest discussion with him is worth a shot? What do you think? Or have you just gone past the point of hope with talking?

[hotgurl]

nobody asked this but how many times a week do you two have sex?

[Adora]

nobody asked this but how many times a week do you two have sex?

 

guesstimate: 4-5, sometimes more, most of our action is done during the weekend as this is where we have actual time to spend together between our schedules. But during the week I'd say its 3'ish, then the weekend usually doubles it.

 

Littlekitty: Thanks for all your support thus far. I am not at my wits end with this issue, and will definitely follow-up with him on this matter, as I would love for us to find a balance/compromise to get over this stump!