DazedandConfused33 Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 About two months ago, I found out my H cheated on me before we got married. I found out from my doctor who was doing a precautionary STD scan because I told him that we were planning on trying to have children. Needless to say I was shocked and devastated. I confronted my husband after I got off of the phone with my doctor and he admitted to doing something about 3 mos. before our July wedding. In just a matter of minutes, my whole world came crashing down. I felt like it wasn't real. Like what I heard made my world seem like some fantasy place that didn't exist and my knight in shining armour of course was not. Sadly I later realized that he had no intentions of ever telling me about this. Since then I have been trying to pick up the pieces but I've noticed that this event has really affected me. I think more than I realized at first. The best way to describe it was that something inside me died that moment he confirmed my worst nightmare. That first month I was trying to figure out whether or not I wanted to work things out with him. I wasn't even sure of that in the beginning. In my mind, I felt like his actions were telling me that things were not going to change and that he had more growing up to do. I felt myself becoming very detached from this person who was once my heart and soul and was starting to doubt whether or not I even wanted to be with him anymore. To make matters worse, I ran into an old friend and had an affair. This is tough for me to say because I do not believe in cheating whatsoever which is why when I found out what my H did I took it so hard. Contrary to popular belief, I did not do this for revenge or out of spite. I did it because I wanted/needed to feel special again. I wanted to have someone look at me like I was this amazing person. Since the affair, I have been infatuated with this other person and he with me but we both knew it was wrong to have an affair. He is well aware of my situation with my H and has since started distancing himself from me because feelings were blossoming on both sides. Feelings that unfortunately we could not act on because we both want to do the right thing. This has left me with many questions now about myself and my situation. Like what kind of person am I that it was so easy for me to sleep with another man? Do I really have feelings for this guy or is this just a product of my situation? Am I really not in love with my husband anymore? Did I give up too soon? What is the right decision, the right action to take? Does it make me a horrible person if I cannot forgive and forget especially now that I have done something equally horrible? All I know is that this whole situation has opened my eyes to things I think I knew were there but didn't want to see nor face. I feel that I have been holding myself back for many years for different reasons and that in some ways this is an opportunity to take my life back and figure out who I really am. On the other hand walking away from my H would be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. He has been the love of my life for over half a decade and I wanted so badly to have his children and be his wife. I do still love him but now feel that my love for him has changed. Can one fall out of love so quickly with someone they've loved for so long just because that person cheated on them? I'm so scared and everytime I think I've made a decision I question myself and my feelings change. Is this my fault I think, could I have done more in the relationship to not drive him away? Did my H ever really get a fair chance? How can I judge him after what I did? Could we ever really get past this and do I even want to? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Marriage counselling. And, you have to tell your husband about your affair if you two are going to try your best to save the marriage. IF you don't, then you're the one who is hiding the lie... IF you can forgive your husband, then he should be able to forgive you for your affair. I'm not saying you've forgiven him, but it does seem like you want to atleast see if there's anything left between you two before calling it quits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DazedandConfused33 Posted June 6, 2006 Author Share Posted June 6, 2006 Actually, my husband is aware of my affair as well. So pretty much all of our dirty laundry has been aired. Sadly it just drove the wedge between us further but yet for some reason we are still holding on. I just want to make sure it is for the right reasons. What's funny is that I have no doubt that we could possibly work this out if both of us really wanted to but it seems like we are unsure on both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Is your affair completely over? If not, then it's time to end it if the marriage has a chance. If you both don't try and give it your best, later on when the divorce is final, it's possible you'll (and he may too) have regrets. So, you owe it to yourselves to try. Just hope soon you two can decide what you want to do. It's not a good or healthy place to be, a marriage hanging by a thread. Make a decision and stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
VegasFan Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 About two months ago, I found out my H cheated on me before we got married. I personally know 2 guys who cheated on their fiancees prior to getting married. Both guys regretted it deeply, and went on to be faithful husbands (both currently married over 10 years) and very good fathers. I'm not defending it, just mentioning what I've seen in my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DazedandConfused33 Posted June 7, 2006 Author Share Posted June 7, 2006 VegasFan - Did the wives ever find out? Link to post Share on other sites
VegasFan Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 VegasFan - Did the wives ever find out? No, and I think it's best that way. It would only cause pain, and the guys both put themselves through enough of that with the guilt they carried; in a weird way I actually think it made them better husbands though. Link to post Share on other sites
Kengne Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 yes you can BOTH get past the affairs and save your marriage - but only if you BOTH want this marriage to work and are BOTH willing to seek counselling. you're not a horrible person for not wanting to give your H a 2nd chance. hello - he cheated on you first! i know myself, and no matter how much i loved someone i could not and would not be able to take them back and 'work things out' even if i forgave them for cheating. cheating is wrong wrong wrong. and that's why i feel you cheating after him was JUST as wrong BUT i can understand that more then i can understand his cheating. it's still wrong, but i empathize about WHY you did it. btw, do you know why HE cheated? and last... given that you two are both unsure... why not separate for a while to straighten your heads & hearts, and see if this marriage is worth saving? take some time apart and things will soon become crystal clear for you. good luck! k. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Your the one who broke the vows of your marriage. He wasn't married when he had his transgression. Not saying what he did was right, maybe he was testing the waters before he made the big commitment of marriage. But he did commit to and marry you and as far as you know has been faithful since. The STD thing is hard to forgive though.. If he can look past your affair and you can look past his mistake, just start with a clean slate. Sounds like his deal wasn't much more than a one time fling... face it guys do stupid things sometimes, especially with alchohol involved. Guys don't take it nearly as seriously as gals do. He probably really loves you and would take back his actions if he could. You went and had an affair to spite him for his actions, immature, but understandable. Now both be adults and give your marriage a chance. Get into marriage counseling and make it work. You both have to make an effort. People make mistakes, sometimes truley stupid ones. Talk it out and agree that you both made some huge mistakes, but your 5 year relationship and new marriage should be able to overcome these one time mistakes. I've been married for 13 years and trust me, as long as you two can keep open communication and you both still care for one another you have more than a fighting chance for hapiness. Don't over-react.. I bet 75% of married couples have at least one adulterous mistake in their past. If my wife admitted to having a short term fling in the past, I don't think I would care so much as long as it were purely physical and not emotional. I would try to understand why and request that it never happened again, but I wouldn't throw my marriage away for a physical blunder. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Of course if he gave you HIV or Genetal Herpes it might be a little too much damage to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
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