I've gained weight and he is not attracted to me anymore

[menchi]

Recently, I found in the history a list of videos from youtube that were sexual or at least included "hot" girls. When I asked him about it, he said he did not masturbate to these but to the memories of the porn he has had before. And then when I asked why he was doing this, he said it was because I gained weight. (I have gained approx. 45 pounds since him and i got back together after being broken up for half a year in September.) I am not sure what to do with this. More recently he has said he just wants me to be healthy but I do not wanna lose weight just so he will be attracted to me. He says he still loves me but why would you lie to someone if you love them? He had always kept telling me that even though I had gained weight he was attracted to me. I am curious to hear the thoughts and suggestions of the people here. (sorry if this isn't the right place for this question but I am new to this site)

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

Its natural for guys to check out "hot" girls, trust me I am always slapping my man in the back of the head for it when we are out!! But if he says that he is doing these things because you gained weight than I say get rid of him. If he is with you than he should love you and find you attractive regardless. By him telling you that he is only doing this because you gained weight it seems like it is his way of hinting to you that he wants you to lose weight. He tells you that he is attracted to you the way you are and then tells you that he gets off to other girls because you gained weight. That is pretty contradicting. You should try telling him that his behavior is making you uncomfortable and you would like for him to stop, if he doesn't than I think you should get rid of him. Your man is suppose to make you feel like the most beautiful thing no matter how good or bad you look and if he is making comments about your weight that is going to decrease your self esteem and no man is worth that.

[bab]

Saying that he's looking at porn because you gained weight seems strange, but not all that unplausible. He probably finds you attractive because he loves you as who you are as a person. But lets be realistic. You've gained 45 lbs. That's not insignificant. Maybe his physical attraction is waining. Why shouldn't you lose weight so that he will be more attracted to you? What if the shoe was on the other foot? And at what amount of weight gain does it become an issue? You think that it shouldn't at 45lbs. What if it were 200lbs? Should he still be required to find you physically attractive?

 

A couple years ago I was 25 lbs heavier than I am now. My now husband was always kind and never said that I should lose weight because of his attraction had dropped. But I did lose the weight and our sex life improved: ALOT. I then realized how dumb it was for him not to mention that he wasn't finding me AS attractive since I gained the weight. Sometimes women are to sensative and take things to personally for their own good.

 

Depending on your views and the arrangements the two of you have about porn, you boyfriend might be a "jerk" for looking at porn, but it's good that he is honest with you about his physical attraction. Now go fix it. And remember just because his physical attraction might not be as high as it once was, it doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive at all, and more importantly he still loves you.

[cuddlycuddlebum]

I think that it is perfectly understandable for your boyfriend to still be in love with you but not attracted to you. He can't help it that fat does not turn him on. Try to eat less and exercise more...not for him but for you. Confidence is a big turn on for all people.

[catgirl1927]

45 pounds is a pretty dramatic change in the way you look, but more importantly it implies a complete lack of concern for your appearance on your part, and also a very lax attitude about health. An extra 45 pounds is going to be really hard on your heart. He's justified in his thinking. What if he suddenly started drinking heavily or smoking or gambling or something? Gaining weight and struggling with losing it is one thing, but gaining weight and saying, hey, f*** you, deal with it, is completely another.

[SoleMate]

I do not wanna lose weight just so he will be attracted to me.

Why do you think this way?

 

Really, why? How many of the following sentences would you agree with:

 

I do not wanna dress nicely just so he will be attracted to me.

I do not wanna stand up straight and smile just so he will be attracted to me.

I do not wanna tell him I love him just so he will feel loved.

I do not wanna take a bath just so he will think I smell nice.

I do not wanna deal with my emotional problems just so he doesn't feel overwhelmed by them.

I do not wanna brush my teeth just so he will kiss me.

I do not wanna cook him a nice meal just so he will feel cared for.

Etc.

[JackJack]

Unplug the computer and ask him to join a gym with you. Tell him you would like to loose some weight for him if he wants you to be more attractive for him and that you need to do to for health reasons as well. Ask him to join in with you and make it a partner thing as far as exercise goes. Him looking at porn though is not going to help your relationship especailly while you are feeling this way. If he gets pissed off or doesn't want to join a gym with you or at least help to encourage you through moral support then you can dump him.

[Cecelius]

Your man is suppose to make you feel like the most beautiful thing no matter how good or bad you look and if he is making comments about your weight that is going to decrease your self esteem and no man is worth that.

 

This is the most insane thing I've ever heard. If he is not attracted to the OP anymore, that cannot possibly be his fault in any material sense. Either she wants him to be attracted to her, so she loses weight (who cares who started the debate, though I would point out that he indicates he still loves her AND was doing this on his private time), or she doesn't. it isn't his job to con her or massage her like a child through something she ought to be doing all on her own.

[Vertex]

I think it's unfair to be attracted to someone physically, get into a relationship, and then be blamed for not finding a girl attractive if she gains a significant amount of weight. It doesn't mean he loves you any less -- it just means that the physical outlet is no longer there for him and he satisfies it through other things visually. It's not like he's cheating on you or anything like that.

 

There are certain "standards" that we enjoy when we find a new partner, whether it's a weight level, abstinence from drugs, personality, etc. For instance, if my girlfriend (if I had one right now) suddenly began drinking heavily, I would not be attracted to this. I wouldn't love her any less, though, unless that attitude about things carried over into other facets of life and started causing problems.

 

If I hint for someone to lose weight for whatever reason, it's usually for health purposes. People that work out and try to stay in shape are generally happier, feel more confident, have better sex lives, "feel" healthier/live longer, have fewer health issues, etc. It's important to be conscious about your health and appearance -- "letting yourself go" and expecting someone else to still be attracted to you in the same way will not yield fruitful results nor is it a realistic expectation.

 

I agree with the above posts -- you two should go to the gym together. It's really a lot of fun to work out with someone close to you. What my ex-girlfriend and I used to do was go to the gym for fun to exercise so we'd have an excuse to shower together later and have an energetic romp later on that night Life is just better when you're taking the steps to stay in shape!

[menchi]

is it so unrealistic to want somebody to be attracted to you for who you are and not what you look like?

[SoleMate]

is it so unrealistic to want somebody to be attracted to you for who you are and not what you look like?

IMO, yes. The way you look is a part of you. Your choice to dress up or down, be fit or heavy, smile or frown, show compassion or show cruelty, spend or save, be outgoing or withdraw from people, all are a part of you.

 

It's not realistic to say "Some parts of me (like my weight) shouldn't count". Especially when your SO disagrees.

[catgirl1927]

is it so unrealistic to want somebody to be attracted to you for who you are and not what you look like?

 

Someone can love you for who you are, and can be more attracted to you because of who you are. But to say that physical appearance means nothing is unrealistic, and really, this probably has more to do with you not caring about the weight than the weight itself.

[reservoirdog1]

is it so unrealistic to want somebody to be attracted to you for who you are and not what you look like?

Yes.

 

Attraction to another person is caused by a number of things. Compatibility. Their sense of humour. Their level of self-confidence. Their ability to cook/play the guitar/play sports/write/etc. And yes, what they look like.

 

I'm speaking to you as somebody who fell into the trap you're in. It wasn't totally responsible for the death of my marriage, but it certainly didn't help. I fell into a bit of a rut, thinking "she'll still love me regardless of what I look like". WRONG.

 

Since divorcing, I've made a concerted effort to lose weight, get in shape, and dress better. All of those efforts have borne fruit, though it's still a work in progress. But I've realized that I never want to let myself fall into that rut again.

 

Attraction is, in part, sexual. In my opinion, one of the best ways of ensuring a long, faithful and mutually satisfying relationship is to do your best to keep the other person wanting you sexually. It's not the be-all and end-all. But it's important.

[worriedsick]

is it so unrealistic to want somebody to be attracted to you for who you are and not what you look like?

 

Yes, it is. If you weren't overweight when you met, then he has every right to explore other options if he isn't attracted to you. Your weight gain likely in his eyes comes across as laziness and lack of concern over what his opinionis of you. I am in the same boat with my overweight husband. I have had numerous discussions with him, changed our diet, etc, and nothing seems to help. Therefore, we hardly ever have sex anymore, only when I'm crazy horny and other methods just won't cut it. Even then, it's not him I'm thinking about and I can hardly stand to touch him because of the fat. I know, it sounds harsh, but at least you can hear what it's like to be on the other end of things and fix it before it gets too severe!

[Dawn82]

It is completely normal to not be attracted to someone who is overweight, and I hate to be harsh but unless you are very tall and was very skinny before you probably would fit into the "Obese" category rather then the "Overweight" one.

 

when you say September you mean september 2005?

gaining 45lbs in under 1 year is a very big health problem

regadless how attractive or unattractive you are to your boyfriend. If I was in your place I would try to understand why this happned and how to reverse it. Not for your boyfriend (although this is also important), but rather for yourself... BUT you have to do this for youself, not for anyone else, or it won't work.

 

Shahar.

[PuppyDogEyes]

is it so unrealistic to want somebody to be attracted to you for who you are and not what you look like?

 

In all honesty, the answer is yes, it is unrealistic. I used to think the above, too, until I realized that being overweight wasn't attractive to anyone - including myself.

 

Very few people who are overweight are happy about it, I can tell you. I've spent a good portion of my life despising myself and hating everything about me - not only the way I looked, but the way I felt, the mere fact that I existed. What kind of life is that to lead? For anyone?

 

Your weight gain likely in his eyes comes across as laziness and lack of concern over what his opinionis of you.

 

While I mostly agree with the above statement, I would like to emphasize that weight gain doesn't necessarily equal laziness - a lot of times, weight gain happens when depression or some other mental condition is present. It's certainly the truth in my case, and I'd like to bet a lot of others. Depression is still no excuse, however.

 

It's really a lot of fun to work out with someone close to you. What my ex-girlfriend and I used to do was go to the gym for fun to exercise so we'd have an excuse to shower together later and have an energetic romp later on that night Life is just better when you're taking the steps to stay in shape!

 

Wow, I couldn't agree more with the above statement. It's a lot of fun to work out with a partner, a boyfriend, a close girlfriend, even your relatives. A support network is so important when you're making a major lifestyle change like this. I bet that if you were to say to your husband, "Hey, why don't we look into joining a fitness club? We can do this together!"... I bet he'd go for it. In that respect, you're being realistic that the problem about your weight exists, and he'll gain respect for you taking steps to fix it.

 

I've lost close to 30 pounds in the last few months just by walking, and altering my diet, but ever since I joined my gym, the weight's been melting off.

 

Vertex, I hope you don't take offense to this, but you sound like a fine exercise partner.... if only I were better at flirting! <grin>

 

- pde.

[Fun2BMe]

Vertex, I hope you don't take offense to this, but you sound like a fine exercise partner.... if only I were better at flirting! <grin>

I agree:bunny:

 

As for the OP, I am curious as to why you gained 45 pounds in 6 months. It might be easier to change your eating habbits now before it becomes a longer term routine.

 

Also, I think it was insensitive of your bf to say he watches porn because of your weightgain. That is shallow. depending on how he said it I guess. You should partner up with Vettex.

[GuestGirl]

WOW Menchi. Here's what I'd like to say: Yes we all want to believe that the one we're with is supposed to love us for who we are and not for what we look. So here's a quick story for you. My entire life I was always skinny and had done several things to gain weight (why, b/c during the 80's a little curvy was attractive and I wanted to be like the popular girls However, no matter what I did, I could never gain weight. One day I get married, I get pregnant and think to myself.. "this is a great opportunity for me to gain weight.. I will eat, eat, eat b/c I can." At the end, I hated it. Found myself depressed few months after having having my child. I went from 100lbs to 160lbs. Yep, it happens but I never thought I could gain weight for as hard as I tried. WRONG! Anyhow, my husband started neglecting me terribly. He started going away for long weekends and never came back. I worked on losing my weight but by then it was too late.. he had done too much damage to our relationship and as you see this small part was also my fault. I did lose A LOT of weight.. back to what I used to be. Anyhow, years passed I did find someone (I still look skinny) I'm still very much into health and nutrition, I always was except I just wanted to be a little more curvier but it's not very healthy to look like that.. and frankly I DID NOT feel happy w/my image AT ALL. Therefore now I keep myself skinny and I now appreciate being skinny and do my best to stay like this.

 

I recently stopped smoking... Gosh, I gained 15lbs.. but I'm taking the steps to stay in the right track. I still eat right, I work out (pilates are great) and I run. I refuse to let myself get like that again. My current bf loves skinny girls but I DON'T DO IT FOR ANYONE. I FEEL HAPPY LOOKING THIN. IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO ENJOY YOUR IMAGE. ENJOY WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR. TRUE IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT IMAGE BUT IT'S SELF PRIDE. I KNOW WHY I GAINED 15lbs, IT'S B/C I STOPPED SMOKING WHICH IS A GREAT THING AND I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO SMOKING B/C OF IT BUT NOT EVEN THAT WILL KEEP ME FROM LOOKING HOW I ENJOY.

 

GIRL JUST DO IT! DRINK PLENTY OF WATER, 10 - 12 CUPS A DAY (THAT FILLS YOU UP AND WATER IS GOOD FOR YOU) VEGETABLES AND FRUITS. FRUIT SHAKES ARE WONDERFUL (NATURAL SHAKES) IT'S NOT THAT HARD... FRUIT SHAKES CONSISTS OF NATURAL FRUITS (ANY KIND U LIKE) WHEATGERM (RAW) AND WATER (SOYMILK FOR ME B/C THAT'S WHAT I LIKE)

 

... I KNOW YOUR BLOG ASKED FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR BF.. FORGET HIM.. THINK OF YOU FIRST! THEN HIM, PLEASE YOURSELF FIRST AND THEN HIM... I AGREE THAT IT'S NOT JUSTIFIABLE FOR HIM TO ACT IN SUCH MANNER BUT IT CAN BE AN EYE OPENER FOR YOU TOO

 

ALL THE BEST TO YOU! GOOD LUCK

[Outcast]

I agree that's a lot of weight to put on in a very short time. If I were you, I'd get to a doctor. That kind of weight gain can signal a medical issue that needs addressing.

[catgirl1927]

Guestgirl, that's a great post. Everyone says confidence is attractive. Do it for yourself. And it's so much healthier, no matter what anyone says, to be healthy and in shape than to be fat.

[Guest]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and we moved in together less than a year ago. When we weren't living together I was between 135-140 lbs. When we moved in together I was obviously eating more because he was always eating and making big meals. I gained about 5 lbs. Right now I am at 145lbs. I joined a gym because he was telling me I was getting bigger, and we faught about it all the time. I tried to go as much as possible but because I switched jobs and was working late at night I didn't have much time, and when weekends came I didn't want to go anywhere. I guess I was just lazy. I've started going once a week now (which still isnt enough) but now he came out and told me in an argument that he isn't attracted to me anymore. Not to mention that his family makes comments about me to him and then he comes back and tells me. Like his aunt (who was in MY house when she made the comment) saying "she would be so much prettier if she lost some weight".

 

All these things hurt me so much. I'm wondering if I should just move on with my life or continue living this way? Its not fair to him to have a fat girlfriend but its not fair to me to have to deal with this. He tells me that he wants me to lose weight only because it will make me more healthy and happy with myself... but I was always happy with myself, even when I had a little gutt.... the only reason I'm not happy with myself now is because he isnt. Thats the only difference. Is the problem with me or him? What should I do?

[Fun2BMe]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and we moved in together less than a year ago. When we weren't living together I was between 135-140 lbs. When we moved in together I was obviously eating more because he was always eating and making big meals. I gained about 5 lbs. Right now I am at 145lbs. I joined a gym because he was telling me I was getting bigger, and we faught about it all the time. I tried to go as much as possible but because I switched jobs and was working late at night I didn't have much time, and when weekends came I didn't want to go anywhere. I guess I was just lazy. I've started going once a week now (which still isnt enough) but now he came out and told me in an argument that he isn't attracted to me anymore. Not to mention that his family makes comments about me to him and then he comes back and tells me. Like his aunt (who was in MY house when she made the comment) saying "she would be so much prettier if she lost some weight".

 

All these things hurt me so much. I'm wondering if I should just move on with my life or continue living this way? Its not fair to him to have a fat girlfriend but its not fair to me to have to deal with this. He tells me that he wants me to lose weight only because it will make me more healthy and happy with myself... but I was always happy with myself, even when I had a little gutt.... the only reason I'm not happy with myself now is because he isnt. Thats the only difference. Is the problem with me or him? What should I do?

What a jerk. Supposedly his aunt said that you will look prettier if you lose weight. There's no evidence that she really said it. It could be his opinion and way of hurting you to make you feel miserable seeing that you are happy the way you are. If he is really concerned about your health, go get a check up and tell him that your health is in no immediate danger unless you gain a significant amount more.

 

I don't know how tall you are so 145 on a 4 foot 10 girl could be a lot more than on a 5 foot 5. If he wants a skinny girl so that he can show her off to his relative and be attracted to her, then you should move on before he makes you insecure and miserable. If a bf told me he wasn't attracted to me, especially for gaining 5 pounds, I'd have moved out before he could finish his sentence. Be with someone who likes you the way you are, especially if YOU are happy with yourself.

 

Let him be babied by his aunt, but you don't deserve to know about about their gossip, especially if your boyfriend doesn't stand up for you but instead agrees with his aunt that you are too fat. I would hate to be in your situation and would leave for sure. Even if you were to start going to the gym more often and lost 10 pounds, would you really still want to be with him? What if you get married and after having children end up heavier? Do you always want his love and attraction to be determined by FIVE to TEN pounds, let alone if you naturally gain a few more over the years as most women do.

[Guest]

I am in the same boat as you. I've gained weight throught the years and it began after I had my child. My husband and I just had this conversation one week ago to be exact. It's upsetting to me too, but I guess you need to look at it as though you are losing your weight as a strategy to work on repairing your relationship. If it were a drinking problem we would go to AA and work on not overdrinking. This issue is really not to different from that. If your relationship has many years vested in it and you DO truly love him too then I recommend you put your efforts.

 

Recently, I found in the history a list of videos from youtube that were sexual or at least included "hot" girls. When I asked him about it, he said he did not masturbate to these but to the memories of the porn he has had before. And then when I asked why he was doing this, he said it was because I gained weight. (I have gained approx. 45 pounds since him and i got back together after being broken up for half a year in September.) I am not sure what to do with this.

 

More recently he has said he just wants me to be healthy but I do not wanna lose weight just so he will be attracted to me. He says he still loves me but why would you lie to someone if you love them? He had always kept telling me that even though I had gained weight he was attracted to me. I am curious to hear the thoughts and suggestions of the people here. (sorry if this isn't the right place for this question but I am new to this site)

[bstb]

Yes, it is. If you weren't overweight when you met, then he has every right to explore other options if he isn't attracted to you. Your weight gain likely in his eyes comes across as laziness and lack of concern over what his opinionis of you. I am in the same boat with my overweight husband. I have had numerous discussions with him, changed our diet, etc, and nothing seems to help. Therefore, we hardly ever have sex anymore, only when I'm crazy horny and other methods just won't cut it. Even then, it's not him I'm thinking about and I can hardly stand to touch him because of the fat. I know, it sounds harsh, but at least you can hear what it's like to be on the other end of things and fix it before it gets too severe!

 

I just found this site. Hopefully I think it will help me. Your post, Worriedsick, is exactly how I have been feeling.

 

My husband has gained over 100 lbs., and I am completely not attracted to him. He makes me feel really bad about it like he can't believe I don't want to have sex. I just really want to say, "well, if you were me, you wouldn't want to either", but of course I can't say that. The other day I said something like "well, I don't think you would be attracted to me if I gained a lot of weight". His response was... "oh, I think I would". I weigh pretty much what I weighed when we got married so he probably isn't concerned about it in the least.

 

In the meantime, I feel totally guilty for not being attracted to him. I look at a lot of our friends and feel so jealous that their husbands are in good shape and take care of themselves. I am also very resentful b/c I am in my mid 30's and feel like soon we're going to be getting old and he is robbing me of my sexlife for now. He hasn't really been thin for 10 years and I'm starting to lose hope. At least, it's nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings.

[marfulls]

In the 14 years that my husband and I have been together I have been on speed with an eating disorder, then when I quit that I gained 40lbs and had no self esteem, that was the part he found unattractive, I have been 231 during my pregnancy and struggled to get that off..........and what it meant all the way along for our relationship was that I needed to do things for me, and what he found attractive was when I loved who I was and that was when I was doing the work in a positive was, working out, eating healthy and it showed. Love yourself but be proactive, we need to do things to keep our significant others interested and if that means being healthy then so be it. You'll thank yourself in the long run when you can look in the mirror and be "I think your alright and you are worth the work....." It is hard, I know, and not every day I love myself.....I struggle with the changes to my body that the pregnancy did, I have stretch marks from here to there, but that is what clothes are for and my husband doesn't mind, he loves the fact that I am strong and healthy. We do active things together with our son, I taught outdoor bootcamp for awhile so we go to the park and run, do pushups, have races, he is accountable to me to stay healthy. I believe that if you start to do something for you , even if he doesn't notice, you will and you'll feel so good about yourself that maybe you'll realize that being disrespected isn't ok.....Take Charge and chose your destiny in life, don't let others (partner) dictate how you should feel!!!!! Love yourself!!!! Any motivation or training tips I'm here for ya!!!