Need advice please!! =(

[Flora]

Thanks for your advice in advance!

 

Here's a little background on my situation - 1/2 year ago I broke up with my long-term boyfriend of 5 years. I met a fantastic guy 4-5 months ago. He's 5 years younger than I but we have something that's extremely special. We love one another dearly and he's even suggested the "M" word a few times.

 

Lately, things haven't been going so well (we're on our 5th month now). We still love one another very much but he's been having some issues in regards to my past.

 

*More background*

 

After my breakup with my ex of 5 years... I went on a dating binge. It was fun for a while but just wasn't for me. I was pretty much in the Anti-Man mode then -- wasn't looking or wanting a serious relationship. During this time I met a guy, "Bob". Bob and I dated for about 2-3 wks and we were intimate once. During this time my current boyfriend, "Matt", had expressed his interest in me. This is where things get complicated. Both Matt and Bob worked at the same company. Matt and I dated a few times... and we instantly clicked. It felt as though we had known one another for years. When Matt asked me to be in a committed relationship w/ him I didn't hesitate in breaking things off with "Bob".

 

Here's the problem... even though my one-time so-called "infidelity" had occurred prior to my getting into a serious commitment with Matt -- Matt is still affected by it. He claims he has forgiven me but it's definitely something that has pulled us apart.

 

What should/can I do to alleviate his anxiety/pain? Is this something some of you have gone through? What was the outcome? Should I be feeling as guilty as I do?

 

I'm in a bind because I feel as though this conflict may wind up ruining what we have.

 

Thanks =)

[Cess]

Unfortunately I think this is something he is going to have to learn on his own. If he loves you so much, than this thing that happened before him should not affect your relationship. I don't understand why this is tearing you 2 apart. You had no idea what was going to happen with Matt. You can't change the past. Quit dwelling on it. You were not out to hurt him. Tell Matt to get over it.

Thanks for your advice in advance! Here's a little background on my situation - 1/2 year ago I broke up with my long-term boyfriend of 5 years. I met a fantastic guy 4-5 months ago. He's 5 years younger than I but we have something that's extremely special. We love one another dearly and he's even suggested the "M" word a few times. Lately, things haven't been going so well (we're on our 5th month now). We still love one another very much but he's been having some issues in regards to my past. *More background* After my breakup with my ex of 5 years... I went on a dating binge. It was fun for a while but just wasn't for me. I was pretty much in the Anti-Man mode then -- wasn't looking or wanting a serious relationship. During this time I met a guy, "Bob". Bob and I dated for about 2-3 wks and we were intimate once. During this time my current boyfriend, "Matt", had expressed his interest in me. This is where things get complicated. Both Matt and Bob worked at the same company. Matt and I dated a few times... and we instantly clicked. It felt as though we had known one another for years. When Matt asked me to be in a committed relationship w/ him I didn't hesitate in breaking things off with "Bob".

 

Here's the problem... even though my one-time so-called "infidelity" had occurred prior to my getting into a serious commitment with Matt -- Matt is still affected by it. He claims he has forgiven me but it's definitely something that has pulled us apart. What should/can I do to alleviate his anxiety/pain? Is this something some of you have gone through? What was the outcome? Should I be feeling as guilty as I do? I'm in a bind because I feel as though this conflict may wind up ruining what we have. Thanks =)

[Peaches]

So you were dating someone else when Matt showed interest in you, and he is still jealous about that? Its not like you and this Bob guy were bed buddies for months or anything...geesh. One time before you and Matt were serious does not spell infidelity. Tell him to get over it, it has nothing to do with yalls relationship at all.

 

Men are so complicated sometimes.

 

Peaches

Thanks for your advice in advance! Here's a little background on my situation - 1/2 year ago I broke up with my long-term boyfriend of 5 years. I met a fantastic guy 4-5 months ago. He's 5 years younger than I but we have something that's extremely special. We love one another dearly and he's even suggested the "M" word a few times. Lately, things haven't been going so well (we're on our 5th month now). We still love one another very much but he's been having some issues in regards to my past. *More background* After my breakup with my ex of 5 years... I went on a dating binge. It was fun for a while but just wasn't for me. I was pretty much in the Anti-Man mode then -- wasn't looking or wanting a serious relationship. During this time I met a guy, "Bob". Bob and I dated for about 2-3 wks and we were intimate once. During this time my current boyfriend, "Matt", had expressed his interest in me. This is where things get complicated. Both Matt and Bob worked at the same company. Matt and I dated a few times... and we instantly clicked. It felt as though we had known one another for years. When Matt asked me to be in a committed relationship w/ him I didn't hesitate in breaking things off with "Bob".

 

Here's the problem... even though my one-time so-called "infidelity" had occurred prior to my getting into a serious commitment with Matt -- Matt is still affected by it. He claims he has forgiven me but it's definitely something that has pulled us apart. What should/can I do to alleviate his anxiety/pain? Is this something some of you have gone through? What was the outcome? Should I be feeling as guilty as I do? I'm in a bind because I feel as though this conflict may wind up ruining what we have. Thanks =)

[darcy38]

I am sorry to say Matt is being unreasonable. I don't think this an issue with you and Bob, but more or less an issue of Matts insecurity or extreme jealeous tendacties!!! I think you should think about weather you want to continue to pursue this relationship, I honestly don't think his behaviour will improve, but more than possible will become worst.

[Juliet]

Hi Flora,

 

Like the other posts, I agree that Matt is acting irrationally jealous. After all, he's the "winner" in the scenario, not Bob. I'm guessing that maybe he's upset that you didn't drop Bob the minute that he (Matt) expressed interest, therefore ruining the "love at first sight" fantasy and/or the fantasy of being the absolute center of your universe. At the same time he might also be feeling some anxiety that you might one day suddenly drop him for someone else, the way that you suddenly dropped Bob for him. Regardless, his insecurities are his problem, not yours. It's obviously not your fault. And I don't think that you should feel guilty. Calling the pre-relationship fling with Bob an "infidelity" is outrageous.

 

Your situation reminds me of a relationship that I had with a very possesive boyfriend. He, like Matt, was very touchy about so-called "infidelities," holding grudges for months about stupid things. The important thing that I began to notice about his "jealousy", is that it did not appear in response to a genuine threat. In fact his jealousy had nothing to do with an actual threat that I was going to betray him. Ironically, as the relationship progressed and my loyalty to him increased, his jealousy was triggered more frequently (not less). He used to drive me crazy with his insecurities, which led to outrageous accusations of infidelity. In my experience, it seemed that his jealousy was more of a display, which he used to manipulate me emotionally and psychologically. He also professed life-long commitment very early in the relationship and talked seriously about marriage within the first couple months. As the relationship progressed he became increasingly possesive and controlling, and eventually I felt so drained, trapped, and depressed that I couldn't take it anymore and so I left. (But it was extremely difficult to leave because my emotional energy and my self-confidence had been worn down. Also, because of his early commitment to me, I had put a lot of hope in the relationship.) I don't know if this is relavant to your situation or not, but my main point is please don't let him blame you for his insecurities, because they are not your fault.

[witchbreed]

Like the other posts, I believe the problem to be his insecurities. Not knowing anything about his past in relationsships I would guess that he has been deeply hurt in his past (be it through a girlfriend or even earlier during his childhood by emotional withdrawal from family and/or friends). The more you love, the more you fear to loose this love and that is something we all have to overcome on our own. Because one day we will loose, even in the best possible scenario, staying together for life, one will loose the other to death.

 

If he, for whatever reason, believes himself not to be good enough for you, he will fear loosing you.

 

When I met my bf I was still married, living apart from my husband for work reasons. We fell head over heels in love and it took my bf some time, to be able to trust my feelings. He had been badly hurt by his divorce and had not had a serious relationsship for 10 years and he was really scared of going through the same kind of pain again.

 

I on the other hand had my own insecurities, not believing that anyone could love the "real me" and if I felt insecure, I tended to flirt - nothing serious, just eye contacts, swinging my hips walking and so on. This made his insecurities worse. It took both of us some work to overcome our insecurities and there is still the occasional bout of jealousy - but it has calmed down lots and we both have realised, that these insecurities have mostly to do with our own feelings of not being good enough.

 

It needs strength and commitment on both sides to overcome these things, but it is possible. When my bf accused me of something, I tried to tell him, that I understand his feelings and that I feel hurt through this mistrust, but that I love him and that I knew we would work it out. And we did. This month will be our first aniversary and he is moving in with me and my kids by the end of this months.

 

Wish you luck.

[Tmfd]

d

Thanks for your advice in advance! Here's a little background on my situation - 1/2 year ago I broke up with my long-term boyfriend of 5 years. I met a fantastic guy 4-5 months ago. He's 5 years younger than I but we have something that's extremely special. We love one another dearly and he's even suggested the "M" word a few times. Lately, things haven't been going so well (we're on our 5th month now). We still love one another very much but he's been having some issues in regards to my past. *More background* After my breakup with my ex of 5 years... I went on a dating binge. It was fun for a while but just wasn't for me. I was pretty much in the Anti-Man mode then -- wasn't looking or wanting a serious relationship. During this time I met a guy, "Bob". Bob and I dated for about 2-3 wks and we were intimate once. During this time my current boyfriend, "Matt", had expressed his interest in me. This is where things get complicated. Both Matt and Bob worked at the same company. Matt and I dated a few times... and we instantly clicked. It felt as though we had known one another for years. When Matt asked me to be in a committed relationship w/ him I didn't hesitate in breaking things off with "Bob".

 

Here's the problem... even though my one-time so-called "infidelity" had occurred prior to my getting into a serious commitment with Matt -- Matt is still affected by it. He claims he has forgiven me but it's definitely something that has pulled us apart. What should/can I do to alleviate his anxiety/pain? Is this something some of you have gone through? What was the outcome? Should I be feeling as guilty as I do? I'm in a bind because I feel as though this conflict may wind up ruining what we have. Thanks =)