IS it over?

[Falling Apart]

Hi,

 

To make a long story short, was with the ex for 5 years- first love, first everything. We never dated other people- now we are both 22. We are both graduating college in the spring- he goes to a school out of state from me. We did the long distance thing for 3 years. This summer he breaks up with me saying I'm just not the one and that he is curious about others. I figure he just needs to see what else is out there since we've never dated others, but that he will come back. We have broken up alot in the past and always get back together. This time he has met someone knew since going back to school- she is 31. At first I thought it was just an attempt to get over me and that it would fade, but now I find out they are getting more serious and he is sleeping with her. I know for many people this is not a big deal, but he's not like that. Neither of us have ever kissed someone else let alone sleep with anyone else and I fear that this means it really is serious? I want to marry this guy- I love him more than anything and have always been there for him. Before I found out he was seeing her, he still calls everyday and we talk like we are still together. Does this mean anything? Is this simply him testing new waters but he will end up coming back to me, the one he knows, the one with history? I feel like he is throwing so much away and I don't want to let it all go- I would wait forever- I just don't know if there is any hope left now that he is involved with someone else. Do they miss you more when they are with others or do they forget you and really move on? What can I do to get him back- I'll do anything. Please help, my heart is breaking.

 

Thank you for reading.......

[darcy38]

I honestly believe if your your relationship is'nt over it is without a doubt in big trouble. Sometimes relationships hit a point of no return!!! Be honest with yourself if he did come back do you truly feel things could ever, or will ever be the same? The hardest thing we will ever do is walk away from a loved one, except the situation go through the emotional pain and go on from there. I know it sounds cold but in time you will feel more at ease.

[velvet]

He has very deep feelings for you. If you feel like you can tell him how you feel than do it. I would'nt suggest you be emotional if you do....

 

Give it some time and than when your ready, go out and meet other people. You cant meet mr. right until you get past this. It would either make him happy to see you happy with someone elese, or it may make him reconsider.

[midori]

My heart goes out to you, I'm sorry you're so unhappy. I'm still trying to come to terms with a break-up that happened nearly 8 months ago. It's tough, I know. But waiting quietly and loyally in the wings while your ex goes off solo (or with another woman) will get you nowhere. It's great to be understanding, but don't let that go too far. In fact, look at your own logic: if indeed this is just a phase that he needs to go through before realizing, in six months, a year, whatever, that he really does love you and wants to share his life with you, then he needs to fully experience losing you. Testing the waters with other women is fun, and he might indeed find that after the newness wears off that they don't compare to you -- but that's not the same as knowing that he needs you, specifically and that no one else will do for him (if that indeed proves to be the case). As long as he knows that you're there for him, as long as he knows that you'd take him back in a second should he wish it, he will not have lost you and he'll never have to consider whether or not that's something he can accept. There's a difference between knowing that your partner is the best person that you've met *so far,* and knowing that you simply are not happy without your partner in your life. The latter is the understanding people need to have before they can make a meaningful commitment. The former implies that you should keep your eyes open because sooner or later someone even better will show up.

 

The way I see it, the only thing to do is to move on with someone else, and to not be in touch with your ex until you yourself have moved on. Don't set time limits or you may find yourself deliberately not taking advantage of opportunities to meet new people because you're just biding your time until you're "allowed" to get in touch with him again. That's not moving on. Moving on means doing the very thing you're most reluctant to do -- pulling out of relationship to him and taking your love and concern with you. It will hurt you directly, and indirectly too because in so doing you will be hurting him. That is unfortunate but necessary. Love is often accompanied at times by hurt and that's almost always true when dealing with a break-up. You're hurting right now as it is, and to make matters worse you're not moving on. You need to, for yourself first and foremost.

 

You're both very young. Love is hard to let go of and it's so hard at first to even imagine being happy without the particular manifestation of love that you and your ex shared. But you must. Your ex has initiated a process of discovery for himself. He probably doesn't know right now where that will lead him -- and that's OK. His decision to embark on a new path doesn't mean that you can't make the same choice -- why not start your own process of discovery? Who knows what you'll find? Maybe you'll find that after dating different guys and getting to know more about yourself that you're still solidly and futilely in love with your ex. It's possibe, but I doubt that would happen. But even that would be better than keeping yourself isolated with your love and hope for your ex that might never come to pass.

 

Staying out of communication with him until you are well and truly over him is important. Don't let him talk you into some semblance of a friendship. Obviously neither of you are ready for that to be a real friendship (no matter what he says). Doesn't mean that you must be enemies or even hostile at all; it just means that staying in touch with him in any capacity is going to just add to your grief and confusion.

 

Take care and good luck. Have patience, you'll be fine sooner than you think.

 

-Midori

[Falling Apart]

Thank you all so much for responding. I really cannot express my appreciation in my time of need. So it seems like what you are all saying is basically to let him go and just see what happens? I mean I still believe fate will brings us together, but in the meantime I'm going insane. I mean this other woman thing is eating away at me. Is it a rebound or something more? He still calls all the time- but why? Just in case, for a safety net? Two days ago he said he wanted a break from me, but yet he calls the next day and acts like nothing is wrong. I'm not sure if cutting him off would work for or against me. I know it will be harder to be friends, but could is possible get him back? Does he indeed truly have to lose me to want me again? I thought once he got with someone else it would bring him back to me, but that does not seem to be happening. Does the fact that they are physically intimate increase the seriousness of whatever he is doing and put them on a more serious level? Does this make it easier for him to forget about me and get rid of any feelings he might have had? What can I do? I just want a chance.....We've been though so much together and I never thought we would have made it this far, but we did. Does this mean now it's all over once and for all?

My heart goes out to you, I'm sorry you're so unhappy. I'm still trying to come to terms with a break-up that happened nearly 8 months ago. It's tough, I know. But waiting quietly and loyally in the wings while your ex goes off solo (or with another woman) will get you nowhere. It's great to be understanding, but don't let that go too far. In fact, look at your own logic: if indeed this is just a phase that he needs to go through before realizing, in six months, a year, whatever, that he really does love you and wants to share his life with you, then he needs to fully experience losing you. Testing the waters with other women is fun, and he might indeed find that after the newness wears off that they don't compare to you -- but that's not the same as knowing that he needs you, specifically and that no one else will do for him (if that indeed proves to be the case). As long as he knows that you're there for him, as long as he knows that you'd take him back in a second should he wish it, he will not have lost you and he'll never have to consider whether or not that's something he can accept. There's a difference between knowing that your partner is the best person that you've met *so far,* and knowing that you simply are not happy without your partner in your life. The latter is the understanding people need to have before they can make a meaningful commitment. The former implies that you should keep your eyes open because sooner or later someone even better will show up. The way I see it, the only thing to do is to move on with someone else, and to not be in touch with your ex until you yourself have moved on. Don't set time limits or you may find yourself deliberately not taking advantage of opportunities to meet new people because you're just biding your time until you're "allowed" to get in touch with him again. That's not moving on. Moving on means doing the very thing you're most reluctant to do -- pulling out of relationship to him and taking your love and concern with you. It will hurt you directly, and indirectly too because in so doing you will be hurting him. That is unfortunate but necessary. Love is often accompanied at times by hurt and that's almost always true when dealing with a break-up. You're hurting right now as it is, and to make matters worse you're not moving on. You need to, for yourself first and foremost. You're both very young. Love is hard to let go of and it's so hard at first to even imagine being happy without the particular manifestation of love that you and your ex shared. But you must. Your ex has initiated a process of discovery for himself. He probably doesn't know right now where that will lead him -- and that's OK. His decision to embark on a new path doesn't mean that you can't make the same choice -- why not start your own process of discovery? Who knows what you'll find? Maybe you'll find that after dating different guys and getting to know more about yourself that you're still solidly and futilely in love with your ex. It's possibe, but I doubt that would happen. But even that would be better than keeping yourself isolated with your love and hope for your ex that might never come to pass. Staying out of communication with him until you are well and truly over him is important. Don't let him talk you into some semblance of a friendship. Obviously neither of you are ready for that to be a real friendship (no matter what he says). Doesn't mean that you must be enemies or even hostile at all; it just means that staying in touch with him in any capacity is going to just add to your grief and confusion. Take care and good luck. Have patience, you'll be fine sooner than you think. -Midori

[midori]

Thank you all so much for responding. I really cannot express my appreciation in my time of need. So it seems like what you are all saying is basically to let him go and just see what happens?

Yes, see what happens for YOU, not just for him. This might not be your first choice for going forward in life (obviously your first choice is to be with your ex) but that's not an option now, so explore other possibilities. For you and you alone. He's going to do what he will -- so should you.

He still calls all the time- but why? Just in case, for a safety net? Two days ago he said he wanted a break from me, but yet he calls the next day and acts like nothing is wrong.

He needs to have the courage of his convictions. He broke up with you and is seeing another woman. It's not fair to string you along like that. He might be telling himself that he's just trying to maintain your friendship but it's not doing you any good. You must recognize that, even if he doesn't.

I thought once he got with someone else it would bring him back to me, but that does not seem to be happening. Does the fact that they are physically intimate increase the seriousness of whatever he is doing and put them on a more serious level? Does this make it easier for him to forget about me and get rid of any feelings he might have had?

There is no formula, there is no guarantee of what may or may not happen down the road. But right now he's laughing with her, eating with her, curling up on the sofa to watch TV with her, making love with her, drinking coffee in the morning with her. He is building a relationship with her. He has ended the relationship with you but he's still got you in orbit around him.

 

I am so sorry, I know exactly where you are in your head and how much your heart must be hurting right now. I've been there myself and am only slowing coming out of it. The hardest lesson I've had to learn is that I had to let go of my ex, really let go and not nourish the hope that he'd get himself straightened out and come back to me (as he'd tried to do in the past more than once). And while I still feel -- eight months after the break-up -- that there is more to be said between us, I've finally come to understand that there's just no use in sticking around, keeping myself available for someone who is probably never going to wend his way back to me. And even if he is going to someday want me back, why should I have put my life on hold? How does that benefit me? I've had to accept the sad but all too likely possibility that he won't figure out how much he loves me until I'm long gone. It may well be that he won't be able to figure it out until I'm long gone. It's one of the strange, unhappy ironies that life brings.

 

Keeping yourself available and accessible to your ex is going to keep you miserable and in limbo; and it's not likely to get him back.