Why women cheat...

[ThumbingMyWay]

I took this quote from Gunny376

 

and I find it very interesting and I somewhat agree...given what my wife has told me about why she strayed....she didnt leave, but I understand why she strayed and what he said below mirrors alot of what my wife said - in reference to not meeting her needs.

 

It started after we had kids, I, we focused on them and not us....and in the time after having kids, she got thin again and very in shape. And I didnt take notice, I didnt complement her, I didnt show affection the way she needed it....of course she didnt TELL me I wasnt.....then enter OM who just showered her with complements and affection to her looks and her intellect....all the things she wanted from me, she got from him....hence her dicision to enter into an EA/PA with this man...

 

 

 

I literally stumbled and fumbled for sixteen years ~ before I understood ~ and finallly found a clear answer to why my ex-wife left. I finally understand crystal clear that the number #1 cause of divorce ~ and why women leave ~ is emotional neglect ~ that is to say men not meeting their wives emotional needs for love, affection, caring, nurturing, support, understand ~ combined with "manning~up" and being a pillar of strength, dependability, reliability, fidelity etc....

 

.....What has happened is that women have become libetrated over the last sixty years ~ they have the courts and laws on their sides in a lot of cases ~ in short ~ they have choices. But, they're also their own worse enemies in that they're still buying off on the fallacy of "Cinderella Love"

 

....Us men are caught in between the two. Combine that with the fact that most women are more in-tuned with their feelings and emotions ~ while men are more in-tuned with straight bi-polar logic and less in tune with their feelings ~ and you've got yourself a no-win situation. You're screwed going into the game. You can't play and win with a deck full of Jokers that aren't wild cards!

 

 

[/quOTE]

 

what do you think?

[tanbark813]

I agree that not meeting your SO's needs is reason to cause them to have an urge to cheat, and that goes for men or women. Neglecting your wife's emotional needs may have caused her to notice and have feelings for other men, but the responsibility for acting on those desires still falls squarely on her shoulders. A mature person would communicate the lack of needs to their SO rather than go off and act on them out of self-interest alone.

 

I admire that you're working things out with your wife but I think you're taking too much responsiblity for the affair. But I also understand why you want to shoulder so much of the blame: the more you take on, the better a light you can perceive your wife in.

 

I completely disagree with Gunny376's last paragraph though. Either person can walk away at any time and both people have needs that must be met to be happy in a relationship so I don't see how either gender has an advantage.

[AManWithTroubles]

It could be true in many cases, but to generalize is always bad. I think in my case, my wife never strayed, but was coming close, or thinking about it, is because I was giving her too much attention. Sounds funny? Well, it does, until you put more pieces of the puzzle together. She didn't want my attention, she was holding me accountable for past actions in secret. She bottled bad feelings up inside, and let them fester to the point of hatred against me. And when I gave her attention, she hated that, because she didn't feel the need to give it back to me. So she thought that she should find someone who she can share feelings with, someone fresh, someone with a clean slate.

 

At least that's the way I saw it. I found e-mail early on, and nipped it in the budd. We got counseling, and are beyond that part, but we are still in a difficult position, yet working on it, I think. So, neglect is not always a reason. Someone can be there every hour of every day for their spouse, yet the spouse may find some reason to try something else.

[Chump64]

I don’t necessarily think the reasons for men and women cheating are all that different, and often they are complicated / don’t boil down to one reason. One theory I have read is that women cheat to meet emotional needs while men cheat to meet sexual needs. I think those two are often closely related. Anway….

 

I agree that not meeting your SO's needs is reason to cause them to have an urge to cheat, and that goes for men or women. Neglecting your wife's emotional needs may have caused her to notice and have feelings for other men, but the responsibility for acting on those desires still falls squarely on her shoulders.

 

 

I agree with this. BUT. One thing that angers me about my husband’s cheating is that he could have TOLD me I wasn’t meeting some of his needs, vs. looking elsewhere. And who is to say that he met all of MY emotional needs? He didn’t, quite frankly, and we talked about it, yet nothing changed. Yet I was ok with that because I thought there were certain things about his personality that I could accept b/c, as I loved the rest of him. So there you have it – I didn’t have all of my emotional needs met either. But did I stray? That’s a two-way street and the people who stray are often guilty of the very thing that leads them to stray. They often say their own emotional needs went unmet. I say the same. They say their sexual needs were unmet by their spouses. Again, two-way street. Once a spouse starts boffing someone else, they create a deficit in their own marital sex lives, and the betrayed spouse chalks it off to being tired, busy, etc. Only to find out the truth later.

 

 

It started after we had kids, I, we focused on them and not us....

 

TMW, that’s when my husband’s affair started too. Our older kids were 2 and 4 and we were very busy. But I thought we were happy. Kid-centric marriages are vulnerable. But we talked about it, and we agreed that it was temporary and necessary to have the primary focus on the kids for a while. Little did I know his focus was also elsewhere!

[Mz. Pixie]

I took this quote from Gunny376

 

and I find it very interesting and I somewhat agree...given what my wife has told me about why she strayed....she didnt leave, but I understand why she strayed and what he said below mirrors alot of what my wife said - in reference to not meeting her needs.

 

It started after we had kids, I, we focused on them and not us....and in the time after having kids, she got thin again and very in shape. And I didnt take notice, I didnt complement her, I didnt show affection the way she needed it....of course she didnt TELL me I wasnt.....then enter OM who just showered her with complements and affection to her looks and her intellect....all the things she wanted from me, she got from him....hence her dicision to enter into an EA/PA with this man...

 

 

 

 

what do you think?

 

I think that there is a huge bit of truth to Gunny's post- considering that would be smack the reason I did.

 

In my case, I did tell my husband- alot! I even said either start staying home more and focusing on our marriage or I will leave you and have an affair. He actually told me he was too busy to work on our marriage.

 

I begged for his attention and time and then someone came along wanting to give that to me...........

 

However, I agree with Tan- that the choice to stray was ultimately mine.

 

Chump is right- I know I wasn't meeting my exhusbands sexual needs- because we were so caught up in resentment. Yet he never strayed. At least that I know of.

 

Did your wife encounter any serious life changing events before her infidelity?? I had several very bad things happen in my life right before I started spiraling out of control. Not an excuse but just curious how often affairs start forming after a loss of a job- new career-new baby- death in the family, etc.

[sylviaguardian]

I would agree with this to a certain extent. I know two women who have had affairs and the reasons they gave were: feeling lonely, not feeling desired, feeling like someone's sister.

 

But here is the rub: neither of them were exactly respectful of their husband's either and I'm sure their husbands' had missing 'emotional needs' as well.

 

The point is that men and women are not so different. A marriage where one or both people feel neglected and undesired is vulnerable. When you are in love and everything is new, it is easy to give each other what you both desire. Women want to feel desired and loved, men want to feel desired and respected.

 

But the next thing is this: I have rarely heard of a marriage where one person has an affair and the other is totally happy. Usually both have lost sight of the other (this is esp. the case when kids come along) because there is not enough energy to go around! So, although many people are dissatisfied, there is an extra element to people who choose to have affairs to put things right. I think that's different for everyone. In the two women I know, I would say that both are high on impulsivity i.e. they do things without considering the consequences too much. In my husband's case, I believe that it was a sense of entitlement.

 

The BS spouses tend to deal with their dissatisfaction in other ways. In my case, I didn't have the fairytale relationship that I dreamt of but I thought my husband's aloofness and passivity was just part of his character. In other words, I just accepted it and looked for satisfaction in my job, work, friends etc. Perhaps people who cheat have fewer outlets e.g. less friends, a less satisfying job, whatever.

 

At the end of the day, I will repeat what everyone else here has said Thumbs: it was not your fault that your wife cheated. She made the choice, you did not drive her to it. and I bet you weren't 100% happy yourself.

 

Sylvia

[Mz. Pixie]

The BS spouses tend to deal with their dissatisfaction in other ways. In my case, I didn't have the fairytale relationship that I dreamt of but I thought my husband's aloofness and passivity was just part of his character. In other words, I just accepted it and looked for satisfaction in my job, work, friends etc. Perhaps people who cheat have fewer outlets e.g. less friends, a less satisfying job, whatever.

 

 

Well, I had a good job and friends- it's just that at the core of my being I had always wanted a good relationship with my husband. To feel like I was #1 instead of #10. I think in the beginning I just hoped that as we matured he'd grow up some and as the kids came along he'd stay home more. It just didn't happen that way. I focused on remodeling a home and selling it for a great profit, building a new home- and my kids for a long period of time.

 

I had a long history of abuse in my past. There was only EVER one person on earth that loved me and put me before themselves and that was my grandmother. When she died suddenly I was like, "The only person in the world who loves me more than they love themselves is gone from this earth and what do I have?" At the heart of the issue was that I didn't and hadn't had the relationship with my husband I wanted.

[sylviaguardian]

I had a long history of abuse in my past. There was only EVER one person on earth that loved me and put me before themselves and that was my grandmother. When she died suddenly I was like, "The only person in the world who loves me more than they love themselves is gone from this earth and what do I have?" At the heart of the issue was that I didn't and hadn't had the relationship with my husband I wanted.

 

Oh, that's really sad..I guess you that the OM did make you number 1 then? I can see how that would happen. I hope you feel a bit more loved these days. It's s*** feeling that nobody really cares about you.

[Chump64]

I thought my husband's aloofness and passivity was just part of his character.

 

 

Bingo! I could have written that!

 

This really started to coincide with getting our family going -- he started the affair when our older kids were 2 and 4. So I attributed it to that, and I was not all that concerned about him being aloof and passive. I wouldn’t say that I was unhappy, but the relationship was not super dynamic for either of us. Kind of low maintenance. Still fun and good for the most part, and we have shared a lot of humor over the years. But I assumed it was our “busy time raising a family” period and that’s we’d get our groove back eventually. Little did I know he was anything BUT aloof and passive with his OW. That’s one of the super scary things – feeling like you don’t know your spouse.

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh, that's really sad..I guess you that the OM did make you number 1 then? I can see how that would happen. I hope you feel a bit more loved these days. It's s*** feeling that nobody really cares about you.

 

Well, he provided something that made me feel good if nothing else. I was literally crying all the way home everyday.......

 

I do feel more loved these days. I've never been loved like my husband loves me now. He tells me all the time that I'm safe now, and I can let my guard down and trust him.

 

I had always put everyone above myself- my abusive mother, my grandmother, my husband, my kids. It was like I couldn't stand it anymore and I just for one minute wanted to do something for myself. Wierd thinking I know because the affair hurt everyone like hell but that was my thinking at that time.

[Deprived]

In Jan. 2005 I thought I had met them man of my dreams. We had a fantastic sex life, he showered me with affection and love and it was overwhelming. Then about August of last year, it all stopped. Even the sex. We have not had sex in nearly 10 months. He has been to doctors and is on testosterone cream which has done no good. He goes out with "the boys" twice a week and leaves me home alone and lonely. The other nights he's either working late, "too tired" or has a "head ache" and watches television and does not pay any attention to me unless I go over to him. He "loves" on me, hugs, kisses but that is if I initiate it. I feel betrayed and deceived yet he has gone to counseling with me, and actually has tried to do better at least in the emotional support department but I cannot help but feeling there is something that he gets from his boys that I cannot give him. I have tried to go out (he encourages me) but I know I am going to cheat on him because I am not getting sex nor am I getting true sexual attention at all from him. I'd love to hear anything anyone has to offer on this. We are both 41 years old, living together and at this time, no plans to marry.

 

Thanks.