tanful Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 My husband had a 6 month affair with a co-worker. For the last two months they have just been hanging out as friends. He admitted everything to me last week and says that he is in love with me and wants to work on us. He also says that he cares about her and values her friendship, but that is all there is to their relationship. Can they still be friends? How can I deal with that? Should I have to deal with that. Please help Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 No, no, and a third time no. Why should you have to worry whenever you find out he's spending time with her as "just friends"? Cutting the OP out of their lives is one of the automatic requirements of any cheating spouse who honestly wants to reconcile with the spouse they betrayed. That woman is officially a cancer on your marriage. You don't placate a cancer, hoping it will behave itself. You cut it out, without mercy. You should put him to a choice: he gets you in his life, or her. NOT both. And if he chooses you, then frankly, I think he should find another job. Link to post Share on other sites
vampress1 Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Ditto Res... It is absolutely unaccebtable for him to remain "friends" with her. It's not fair to you or your marriage. Frankly, I don't understand how women allow cheating husbands back into their lives but that was your choice and I'm sure it wasn't easy. You must have your reasons for thinking your marriage is worth saving. I may be way off here, but it sounds to me like he's testing you. He wants to see exactly how far he can push this affair business before you crack and threaten to leave. Stand your ground... make your demands and stick to them. You mentioned that he "admitted everything"... Just out of curiosity, did you bust him or did he just confess? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Ditto what ResDog and Vam has said. No they cannot be friends. They had an affair, intimate moments in and out of bed. So, they're not having sex anymore - But the are emotionally connecting as 'friends.' Friends with feelings, feelings that are growing and being fed by them staying close. The OW has to be cut out of his life 100%. If he has to find another job, then that's what he has to do. And head to marriage counselling with you. If he can't do that, then there's no point in even bothering to fix the marriage. His attention is still between TWO women. You and the OW, and that's not fair to you - Nor to the OW. He is having his cake and eating it too, why should he stop seeing the OW as a friend when he is still getting some needs met by her? He's an idiot! Sorry, but he's being selfish by wanting this OW still in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 OH my. Is your husband just clueless?? Why would it be ok with you that your cheating hubby hang out with the women he cheated on?? Frankly I am surprised anyone would even ask this question, unless you are collecting evidence to show your hubby. If that is the case, then he needs to seriously rethink of all the crap you had to go thru, and all the crap you will have to go thru every time you know they are "hanging out". He sounds very immature and selfish!! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 As an xOW, I can tell you that it is totally unacceptable to be "just friends" with the MM. It isn't fair to the wife, and the relationship will always have the undertones of the affair. It is inevitable. My xMM tried to remain "friends" with me after his wife found out about the affair. Of course, she had no knowledge of this continuing "friendship", but it existed nevertheless. If he is interested in a friendship with this woman, it is totally and completely disrespectful to you, the wife. There are plenty of people in this world for him to be friends with, and if she means nothing to him, he should be perfectly happy cutting her out of his life.....for your comfort. Out of respect to you, if for no other reason, he should NEVER speak to this woman again outside of the work environment. It isn't appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 You need to check out marriagebuilders.com. The author is an expert on problems such as yours. I hate to tell you this, but if your H is still seeing the other woman, then they are still having a sexual relationship. Anything else that he says are lies. Link to post Share on other sites
mylife Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 sorry, but your husband is an as*hole! Remain friends, yea right! Why havent YOU put your foot down and say NO? He will treat you the way you allow him to treat you. Dont allow him to tear you down like that. You will always wonder if they are more than just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 You need to check out marriagebuilders.com. The author is an expert on problems such as yours. I hate to tell you this, but if your H is still seeing the other woman, then they are still having a sexual relationship. Anything else that he says are lies. Don't do this. You DON'T know. You assume, based on your experiences. All you are doing here is increasing the OP's pain. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 To answer your question: no and no and no!!! No contact ever again. No friendship at all. And if possible a new job. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 JUst in case it hasn't been mentioned... NO!!! And please see Marriage Builders for "After The Affair". Link to post Share on other sites
Adora Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Absolutely, in no way whatsoever, should they remain friends. There are no if's, and's, or but's about this. You, being his wife, should be his #1 priority. Your feelings should be his only concern, not hers. If he demands that he needs to remain friends with her, well, as best as I can put it, tell him to pack his bags and gtho. You shouldn't have to deal, or compromise, or try to accept this at all. He brought forth this mess in your lives, and if he knows what is best, he will remove it as fast as he allowed it in. Link to post Share on other sites
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