Could really use some advice.

[angelbabe20]

Hi folks,

 

It's my first time using this, but could really use some advice. I'm currently with a guy who i have been seeing for 2yrs. Everything is okay, but i can't stop thinking about this other guy who i used to be best mates with, until we argued and stopped talking.

 

To give you a little background i met Scott (the guy) through my best mate. We got on great, as friends, and had the best times together. I was in a relationship, so it meant it wasn't complicated. Anyway when this relationship ended, my best mate told me that Scott had a thing for me, and that i should go out on a date. We did, and it was nice but awkward, as we got drunk and ended up having sex on my mates couch. Anyway the next day, he's acting like we're boyfriend/girlfriend which i didn't want. It was only when the ex called and said he wanted to try again, that i had to break it to Scott.

 

He was okay bout it, and we carried on like we had before the one night stand. Then when my ex dumped on me again, it was Scott who was there for me. We got really close again, and saw in the millenium together. However when i agreed to go out on a date with my current boyfriend, Scott found out, and hit the roof. He stormed out that night and hasn't talked to me since.

 

I'm at uni right now, so i don't see him as home is 200 miles away. However my bf is from back home, and hates Scott, so whenever i'm back and we see him he slags him rotten and i hate it.

 

Now i've started dreaming about Scott. I miss him so much i don't know what to do. It's starting to effect my relationship with my bf although he doesn't know how much i miss him. I know he'd hate me to start talking to him again, and would be hurt if he'd found i'd got back in contact with him. What should i do? I'd never forgive myself if anything happened which meant i couldn't tell him the way i felt

[BeenThere]

Seems to me you're in no kind of headspace to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone right now...at least not until you can make up your mind what the hell it is you want. Standing on the outside looking in, it seems you're playing both these guys. Its a wonder either one of them would want anything to do with you.

 

Don't play with peoples hearts. I'm sure you love the attention, but imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Can't blame Scott for running. As for your current boyfriend, I'm sure he'll eventually come to his senses too unless you do first.

 

Date, have fun, and if you're going to have casual sex with multiple partners than use protection if you can't use common sense. But until you're actually *ready* for a committed relationship, than do everyone a favor and avoid it!

Hi folks, It's my first time using this, but could really use some advice. I'm currently with a guy who i have been seeing for 2yrs. Everything is okay, but i can't stop thinking about this other guy who i used to be best mates with, until we argued and stopped talking. To give you a little background i met Scott (the guy) through my best mate. We got on great, as friends, and had the best times together. I was in a relationship, so it meant it wasn't complicated. Anyway when this relationship ended, my best mate told me that Scott had a thing for me, and that i should go out on a date. We did, and it was nice but awkward, as we got drunk and ended up having sex on my mates couch. Anyway the next day, he's acting like we're boyfriend/girlfriend which i didn't want. It was only when the ex called and said he wanted to try again, that i had to break it to Scott. He was okay bout it, and we carried on like we had before the one night stand. Then when my ex dumped on me again, it was Scott who was there for me. We got really close again, and saw in the millenium together. However when i agreed to go out on a date with my current boyfriend, Scott found out, and hit the roof. He stormed out that night and hasn't talked to me since.

 

I'm at uni right now, so i don't see him as home is 200 miles away. However my bf is from back home, and hates Scott, so whenever i'm back and we see him he slags him rotten and i hate it. Now i've started dreaming about Scott. I miss him so much i don't know what to do. It's starting to effect my relationship with my bf although he doesn't know how much i miss him. I know he'd hate me to start talking to him again, and would be hurt if he'd found i'd got back in contact with him. What should i do? I'd never forgive myself if anything happened which meant i couldn't tell him the way i felt

[darcy38]

I really believe you need to take a time out!!! You have separate your self from all parties involved untill you can get your emotions in check. You can't continue like this. You must sit down with yourself and think hard about this. If you don't resolve your own dillema you are setting your self up for a lot of emotional problems

[midori]

Seems to me you're in no kind of headspace

to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone right now...at least not until you can make up your mind what the hell it is you want. Standing on the outside looking in, it seems you're playing both these guys. Its a wonder either one of them would want anything to do with you. Don't play with peoples hearts. I'm sure you love the attention, but imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Can't blame Scott for running. As for your current boyfriend, I'm sure he'll eventually come to his senses too unless you do first. Date, have fun, and if you're going to have casual sex with multiple partners than use protection if you can't use common sense. But until you're actually *ready* for a committed relationship, than do everyone a favor and avoid it!

[angelbabe20]

Sorry but i am actually not playing with both these guys as you put it.

 

Haven't spoken to Scott since March 2000, and the one night stand happened the previous July when in any other relationship. And i have been with my current boyfriend since March 2000 so how can i have been playing him with Scott.

 

I don't go in for casual sex, that's not my scene. I just wanted some advice. I miss Scott so much, but that doesn't mean i want to get rid of my boyfriend to see him.

 

I'm stuck. I want to see him again as a friend and work things out. And i want to be with my boyfriend. If you're just going to attack me then don't bother. Have beaten myself up about this for the last two years.

[angelbabe20]

I can't distance myself from these two. They both live in my area. Even when i'm at uni my bf phones me everyday, and he wouldn't understand if i said i needed time out.

 

As for Scott, he doesn't want anything to do with me now, although the last time i saw him, i met his eye, and something weird went between us.

 

I know this has to be resolved but i don't want to hurt my bf by splitting up, yet can't go on hurting Scott.

[BeenThere]

Posting to this forum will not always result in the kind of advice or opinions you *want* to hear. If you are sensitive about a certain situation, and not prepared for honesty or candor, then perhaps you should save your questions for family members and friends who will certainly be more sypathetic.

Sorry but i am actually not playing with both these guys as you put it. Haven't spoken to Scott since March 2000, and the one night stand happened the previous July when in any other relationship. And i have been with my current boyfriend since March 2000 so how can i have been playing him with Scott.

 

I don't go in for casual sex, that's not my scene. I just wanted some advice. I miss Scott so much, but that doesn't mean i want to get rid of my boyfriend to see him. I'm stuck. I want to see him again as a friend and work things out. And i want to be with my boyfriend. If you're just going to attack me then don't bother. Have beaten myself up about this for the last two years.

[midori]

People here can only respond to the information provided. When you're very sensitive about an issue it can be hard to hear perspectives that don't align with the way you want to see things. But it does not good to assume hostility or ill-intent from the people who offer their advice. People take the time to offer their perspectives so that maybe you can think about your problem in new ways -- which is why you're here, isn't it?

Haven't spoken to Scott since March 2000, and the one night stand happened the previous July when in any other relationship. And i have been with my current boyfriend since March 2000 so how can i have been playing him with Scott.

OK, so why is this still an issue? It's been more than a year and a half since you guys last spoke -- and more than two years since your one-night stand. If this was really a pressing emotional issue for you, why haven't you dealt with it sooner?

I don't go in for casual sex, that's not my scene. I just wanted some advice. I miss Scott so much, but that doesn't mean i want to get rid of my boyfriend to see him.

OK, so if you don't want to get rid of your bf, what do you want? Your bf & Scott intensely dislike each other. Your bf will be offended and threatened if you reconnect with Scott, so you would undoubtedly be causing turmoil in your relationship with your bf if you tried to get Scott back in your life. Why would you want to do that? Is it perhaps that you're looking for an out and trying to provoke your bf into "overreacting" so that you can with good conscience break up with him? That's just one possibility of course, but have you even thought about your underlying motives here?

I'm stuck. I want to see him again as a friend and work things out.

Work what out? You had a one night stand and your continued friendship with Scott jeopardized your renewed relationship with your bf, so you had to choose and you chose your bf. Which, if you love your bf, was the right choice. I would not be comfortable with my partner maintaining a friendship with a woman he'd slept with while we were apart, especially if I knew/suspected that she still harbored feelings for him. And especially if I knew that he was inclined to turn to her for comfort and advice when he & I were having difficulties. I would be very very uncomfortable with that so-called friendship, knowing that the other woman had a vested interest in seeing him break up with me. As for Scott, why should he want to be friends with someone who chose her boyfriend over him when he'd been nothing but loving and supportive? What, exactly, is there to work out? Both of these guys have been clear: it's him or me. You chose one of them, why do you think there's anything more to negotiate?

 

It sounds like you're viewing this situation and your intentions through rather rosy glasses. A bit of self-examination certainly seems to be in order. No one is suggesting that you're a bad person or bent on hurting or using either of these guys. But your perspective seems to be, based on the info you've provided here, quite narrow and self-centered. It's not just about what you want. We all have to make choices and in so doing eliminate other choices. That's life.

[angelbabe20]

Ok i appreciate what you are saying. Don't mind me just this is really getting me down. I just really wanted some advice to help me out from the wise and the wonderful.