basscatcher Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 I do not think she has shared all that much with him about us - but that is a question that needs to be answered too, otherwise I do not get the daily communication thing still!If she says that she is committed to begin working on 'our' problems, then what kind of behavior should I be watching for there too? If the time spent communicating with the OM is reduced, then what? Should this be an all or nothing thing? I think this depends on what you view. I think a professional mediator who understands the dynamics of relationships, peoples common reactions to situations and someone who is able to speak too and listen to both of you objectionably on a one to one and as a couple is the one who can make those suggestions on the adivice your seeking. If you feel that your wife and you are having SOME communication difficulties then find a councelor to help with communication and understanding. I was once told that the worse things happen to the best of people. Meaning--just because you aren't what is considered "the type" of people in socieity of NEED counceling doesnt mean you don't need a little help also. None of us come with instruction manuals on how to cope, understand, tolerate, communcate with each other. There are times when we need a little boost or a little help. Fear gets in the way and causes problems in communication. If you don't conquer the little fears that well up they will turn into bigger ones until all the communcation is broken down so bad it seems impossible to mend. Jbartz you are already feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, your gutt instincts (intuition) is making you unbalanced. You are seeking answers and even if you get your wife to answer them does the feelings of uneasiness dissapear? If not then I woiuld seek counceling.. I know you love your wife and you want to work through this, your wife sounds like she wants to work through the trials also. If you can't get it going and work it through then seek a third party who can help. Please. It kind of sounds like you may not be in the danger zone yet of infidelity but it could lead there. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Share Posted June 8, 2006 I know that it has gotten to a point where we needed to address our problems. But I am going to make sure that there isn't much interference with that either. Focus is what we need and getting help is what I think we need as well. To sort out some of the issues that are in the way. I know that the line has gotten thin - and I want to make sure it is redefined for us so that we feel good in and out of the marriage! Thanks! Any more ideas or thoughts? keep em coming! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Share Posted June 8, 2006 the question coninues to be - All OR Nothing - or is there a middle ground with this? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 what do you mean? As for their friendship? If so, then you should be included more in their friendship. It's not healthy for any marriage when a third party of the opposite sex is befriending the husband's wife or wife's husband. Just causes problems, even if there is no intent of an affair...Which is why if a friendship forms, BOTH husband and wife should be spending time with that person, not one on one time. Hope that makes sense...My coffee just kicked in!! Link to post Share on other sites
stacym75 Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 How could u have a middle ground.First i would see if there is really something going on then its all or nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 the question coninues to be - All OR Nothing - or is there a middle ground with this? In a marriage is it about compromise. There is no such thing as a all or nothing. It is about respect, mutual agreement. Giving a bit and taking a bit. Marriage is about two individuals coming together to be one.. You have to find the middle ground in which you both can accept and live with whatever it maybe. Infidelity can be worked through if both parties agree to it. If that isnt' possible for some reason then you have the option of going different directions if the compromise is a health or life threating situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Presario Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 would any of this be different if all that she was communicating was open to me? It makes a huge difference. My wife has a few male online friends and she spends quite a lot of time chatting with them. The difference is, however, that she tells me what they talk about. Plus, when she gets an IM on her cell phone, I'm allowed to read it. When my wife chats online, she doesn't hide the window when I'm around. She doesn't hide all this contact from me. So I feel quite safe. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 How could u have a middle ground.First i would see if there is really something going on then its all or nothing. Whether or not that's the case - HE is having issues with it and her spending time with someone else, male or female, its' taking time away from him and their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Repent Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Hi I would think that she need needs to end that because it might be headed in a direction that you fear the most. If it does go there your problems will double one at home and at work. You will find no peace of mind anywhere. Tell her how you feel and don’t hold nothing back. I think she is mistaking kindness for weakness. She knows that she has problems at home but choose comfort some other man doesn’t say much about her wanting to make things better with you. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Share Posted June 8, 2006 This continues to help - getting all of this input is exactly what I needed. I have a variety of avenues to pursue at the moment and I am keeping my eye on how she is interacting at home as the beginning. The past few days have been different since we started talking, but in the end, it needs to be something that is ongoing all of the time. We need to get healthy first! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted June 9, 2006 Author Share Posted June 9, 2006 so does everybody else think that she is covering up her own problems by doing this? I know that she wants things to get better - dividing it up like this seems to be too much! - we are both coaches and I have learned that even when we get to be counted on - on and off the field - by our players, that has a profound affect on our lives. There is just a definite unbalance here. I have a role in this too - I really need to make sure that I am not being overly jealous and separating what is important from what is not important. I am hoping that something happens in the next day or so to allow us the time to talk about all of this again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted June 9, 2006 Author Share Posted June 9, 2006 here is another problem I am finding - she is working full time and I know he calls her there and so now my trail is harder to follow - wish I could see her emails too Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 I get the feeling she is heading in the wrong direction. She and this guy are putting to much focus on one anothers lives. You know something is wrong. Otherwise, you wouldnt be here talking about it. You need to see this for what it is... Get into counceling. Your walking on eggshells and your going to get worse. If you wait this out to see what happens it will be too late. A councelor once told me to not wait for the right moment to bring things up. It is best to bring it up things are quiet and talk about it gently but openly. Something isn't right... Don't sit on this or you may loose her more then you already have. She seems to have more of a relationship with him then you. You should be the one sending her emails. You should be the one she meets up with for coffee or lunch. You are the one she should be investing her free time with. Not another man.. Link to post Share on other sites
Love Hurts Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 What are we doing on here..............? We read.......... try to understand and give an opinion when another is hurting.......... It may be in vein........ yet we compassionately want to advise........... For myself............ I'm hopeful I did something good.... Regardless if that person ever reflects on my opinion ..... in a sense I feel good knowing my intent was to help not hurt. I discovered I began to feel better about myself..........in thinking what would I do and respond to another. Which makes my grandmothers theory for a good life come into thought; she said, help others put yourself last, and in the end you never feel last, nor do you notice your personal problems as much......... when you give to others. Focus on others that are hurting.......... you may forget you have problems at least for today. One day at a time. More so this site is a realization.......... I am not the only one that has problems.... I am not the only one that hurts. I am not alone... missery loves company....when you hurt join the club literally. When you feel good share it. Your wife in helping him,,,,,,,,,,,,, may get a sense of some goodness in any uplift or advice she can offer. When she is feeling good about herself and thinking she is there when someone needs a shoulder to cry on. You are in the back ground making her feel like she is doing something wrong. If you love her and trust her.... let her be all she can be in this life. You do not own her..... Trust is golden. If she is going to cheat you can't stop her ...... Allow her to flurish in the home and outside of it. To be the individual creation she was designed to be, trust her. She has given you her heart. She expects trust. She should have it until you have some solid reason not trust her. Until then.............. she has a heart.........enough to love you as well as care for others in the world. Living is being alive, not just existing to anothers whims of what we should be. Imagine a paper cup poke it with pin holes.......... The pin holes are the many different ways she as an individual in life is tapped into. You tap into her alone in many ways.. pin holes. Children have their own way of tapping in pin holes. Family and extended family more pin holes. Friends more pin holes. Associates more pin holes. Now fill the paper cup full of water.............. You see.............. a beautiful fountain............... When we are tapped into in by many. We become more ourselves. There are times we all we can be is a waterfountain. That is ok too. Just know she is doing what she needs to do and wants to do. Freedom within is a light of sunshine to the spirit. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 The problem is - Married people should not be so "cozy" with someone of the opposite sex. It's wonderful to help someone in need, during their rough times...But in THIS situation, it's ALL the time. Emailing, IM'ing, phone calls, getting together! ON weekdays, weekends, at work, at home. IT'S TOO MUCH. Lovehurts, freedom is a good thing, ofcourse...But his wife is pushing the limits and she knows that too. She's too involved in this man's personal life, his problems. And she's more than likely developing feelings for him as well. THAT is not good for a marriage. She has given you her heart. She expects trust. She should have it until you have some solid reason not trust her. Until then.............. she has a heart.........enough to love you as well as care for others in the world. Yes, she has given her husband her heart and expects trust from him. Her actions (late nights on the computer with this guy, emails back and forth, and talking on the phone, ALOT) are showing that she is abusing her husband's trust and faith in her. She is putting herself IN a situation where it might be difficult for her to say no if the OM makes a move on her. She's attached to him, loving the attention and the fact he 'needs' her. That's quite a high! And that feeling is addictive...The more time they are together talking, the higher the chances of an affair starting. Right now it's an emotional affair. I highly doubt ALL those times they're talking it's just about him and his saddness, his problems. You do not own her..... No, he doesn't. But the vows she said to him should be lived up to by her. Link to post Share on other sites
RarePearl Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 I loved Love Hurts' post! Your wife feels better about herself when helping someone go through a difficult phase in their life. She also enjoys the closeness of sharing all the details of his life. As Love Hurts said, she forgets about her own problems at those moments. She feels appreciated and needed. By another man - that's the part that bothers you. In reality, she either likes him or not (as more than just a friend). If she doesn't then she isn't doing anything unfaithful. Indeed, you can't tell her whom she should hang out with and I don't think it should bother you, if you trust her. You can ask her to spend LESS time with this guy if she neglects you because of him. If I were you, I would make sure she has no feelings for him (by observing her behavior toward him and talking to her) then relax. In any case, it won't last forever. Sooner or later she will get tired and he will start using her generosity to bug her whenever he needs her shoulder. Is he an attractive guy? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 She also enjoys the closeness of sharing all the details of his life. As Love Hurts said, she forgets about her own problems at those moments. She feels appreciated and needed. By another man - that's the part that bothers you. When someone is MARRIED there are things you give up. One of them is becoming 'close' friends with another man. It's OK to help him out, listen to him, but not to the extent she has been helping him. Have you read ALL the posts by jbartz? DO you honestly feel what she is doing is completely OK? Indeed, you can't tell her whom she should hang out with and I don't think it should bother you, if you trust her. You can ask her to spend LESS time with this guy if she neglects you because of him. If I were you, I would make sure she has no feelings for him (by observing her behavior toward him and talking to her) then relax. In any case, it won't last forever. Sooner or later she will get tired and he will start using her generosity to bug her whenever he needs her shoulder Please go read this whole thread from start to finish. Unless I'M missing something here, it seems both you and lovehurts have blinders on - Sorry to sound harsh, but the reality is, she's a married woman who's talking TOO much with a man who is very needy right now and it's not fair to her husband. He also, HER husband, has every right to be concerned and feel the way he does. Don't ya think if he had a female 'friend' whom confided in him, on the phone ,through emails, through instant messaging, all day at work and into the evening at HOME - that would make her jealous? Feel hurt? Feel insecure? Wonder WHY he is spending so much time 'helping' another woman?? He has every right to feel the way he does. Link to post Share on other sites
RarePearl Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 Geez, I didn't realize this was going on all the time! I thought she spends like a few hours total per week on this person. You are right. In any case, too much sacrifice for friends at the expense of the marriage is not good. If this guy were a woman instead, things would've been different. This sounds like a possible emotional affair. I think it's an all-or-nothing type of thing. She could let the guy know that this is interefering with her marriage and she can't be there for him anymore or cut him off slowly and gradually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted June 9, 2006 Author Share Posted June 9, 2006 In response to 'love hurts' - I get it that it makes her feel good helping him out, but there are certain things that he just does not 'get' right now and should not be looking for from my wife. I enjoy helping people too, makes me feel good! As I said last night - I just think it is covering up her problems - she talked with him three times on the phone yesterday. Text message about 6 or 7. Now, the night texts have stopped, so we will see if she will continue on with that! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 she talked with him three times on the phone yesterday. Text message about 6 or 7. Now, the night texts have stopped, so we will see if she will continue on with that! You need to step in and take your marriage back from this guy.. If your wife won't stop it then you have to go to him and tell him to back off.. Don't take this lying down.. that will only make it worse.. I would be pissed as hell if my wife was spending that kinda time with another man.. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 You need to step in and take your marriage back from this guy.. If your wife won't stop it then you have to go to him and tell him to back off.. Don't take this lying down.. that will only make it worse.. I would be pissed as hell if my wife was spending that kinda time with another man.. DITTO ..........DITTO............DITTO............DITTO...............DITTO..............DITTO...............DITTO SHE HAS STEPPED OVER THE LINE OR IS ON THE BORDER OF IT. THERE IS TOO MUCH COZY CONTACT BETWEEN HER AND THE OM... ACTION NEEDS TO BE TAKEN... but be careful in how you do it. If you are too agressive without using sensitivity and honesty in how you feel then you could push her away more.. This is why I say find a mediator like a councelor so the matter can be handled with sensitivity and there is minimal damage done to the quality of your respect, love, feelings, expectations and communication. If she is leaning on another man she very well may feel a wall between jbartz and herself. There is some trust and communication breakdown if she cant talk to her own husband.. I would hate to see him overreact and come on too strong with her and push her away. He needs to find the tactic to pull her closer. Somewhere that closeness has been breaking down. It is a delicate issue. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 As to middle ground... There really is no legitimate "middle ground" where one's loyalty to one's spouse can be compromised for the sake of closely, intimately providing freelance amateur relationship "counseling" to a member of the opposite sex who is pulling away from his own legitimate partner. High likelihood that they are "counseling" themslves into an affair. I'm not even sure exactly what you should do, but I AM sure that you must... DO SOMETHING! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 J- Look, when I cheated, I did all of the things your wife is doing. The next time she gets a text and reads it- tell her not to delete it and ask her to hand you the phone. You'll be able to tell by the look on her face probably that she's been busted. You can install a keylogger on your home computer. You can also get a print out of her cellphone bill on line and you may even be able to get copies of the text messages. You can hide a voice activated recorder in her car or in your house. Your wife is probably a problem solver. Problem is, it's very easy for someone like her to step over the line. She's helping this person, gets involved in their lives and suddenly things are going where they shouldn't. That is why people who have the gift of mercy like that shouldn't form close relationships with people of the opposite sex. My husband has female friends from college. They do not text him. They only call him a couple of times a year. He's calling her all the time, and he's getting a divorce. Come on, wake up and smell the coffee! He's your friend, he should be coming to you- not her. If she tells you you can't pick her friends, in the words of RD here- "You're right, I can't. Do you want to be my friend? You have 24 hours to decide- him or me" Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanttoknow Posted June 9, 2006 Author Share Posted June 9, 2006 how would I go about getting copies of the text messages? anybody know? what about communications at work? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 how would I go about getting copies of the text messages? anybody know? what about communications at work? what they are saying means nothing.. The fact that they are communicating so much is where your strength lies. Why are you worried about calling her out ?.. it is your marriage too Link to post Share on other sites
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