wife is counseling another man

[Art_Critic]

even if the emails,texts, and voice mails where just bs then you still would have the problem with them communicating too much..

 

It is damaging your marriage.. one way of finding out how much he means to her is to try and get her to stop the communicating by explaining to her how much it hurts you and the marriage.. if she balks at the idea you will know that she has too much emotional involment with him.

[basscatcher]

how would I go about getting copies of the text messages? anybody know? what about communications at work?

 

I asked Verizon if they can recover text messages and they said NO. once they are deleted from your phone they are not accessible.

 

I'm sure it's the same as with computers. The data is there just stored deep in the memory and will cost $1,000 to retrieve the data from the memory.

[mikethmn]

This type of behavior is totally unacceptable... Cheating on someone is not just physical... Actually physical is less harmful (mostly) than emotional... when feelings are developed it can spell the end. If your wife argues with your feelings, then it is too late, she is already emotionally involved. I don't remember who said it, but someone mentioned compromise... There is no compromise in marriage - the spouses should be willing to die for the other, and not consider their own self interests (too bad we're all human).

 

BELEIVE ME! I used to be a dog..... You can not trust men, especially one that may be looking for a rebound!

[Repent]

It is sad to see the kind of things we have to go through

to find out if our S/O is or has been cheating.

The way I see it if you ask her to stop and she don’t,

She doesn’t care much for making things right at home.

As far as getting joy out of fixing other peoples problems,

this is what I think

You can get much more joy out of fixing your own marriage

than fixing someone elses.

We all have this built in meter of trust

and we all have set to different levels of tolerance, because we are not all the same. You have or are about to exceed yours and its not a good feeling.

Express your concerns and if she don’t feel your pain then you

don’t need to look any further.

[Mz. Pixie]

even if the emails,texts, and voice mails where just bs then you still would have the problem with them communicating too much..

 

It is damaging your marriage.. one way of finding out how much he means to her is to try and get her to stop the communicating by explaining to her how much it hurts you and the marriage.. if she balks at the idea you will know that she has too much emotional involment with him.

 

This is true, but cheaters always try to deny. If he had proof in writing she would be less likely to slip out of it. He WANTS to believe her, so it won't take much to change his mind.

 

As I said before- the next time he texts her and you're around- tell her "Wait, I want to see that" If she doesn't want you to look at it then you'll know somethings up. Especially if it's late at night. An affair partner usually texts the OP to say Good night.

 

There is no way a woman would be texting my husband and I wouldn't be reading it. I guess I'm just naturally suspicious. Having cheated before myself I will never be as naive to think my partner couldn't cheat.

[RarePearl]

how would I go about getting copies of the text messages? anybody know? what about communications at work?

There are programs you can download from the net (they are pretty cheap) and install in your wife's computer. There are also programs for breaking passwords. If you can dig out her password for her email account, you can log into her web page on her server and read the emails freely (but she may see that they were read). In order to do that, you need to change the settings to "Save a copy of my emails on the server for X number of days." You have to do this through her account on her computer.

 

Google "spy, messenger, password" and other related words to find these web sites. In order to read her Yahoo instant messenger's history, you can find the saved files under Program Files -> Yahoo -> Messenger->Archive, etc. Send them to your account then download a Yahoo messenger decoder and read them freely from your account.

[Guest]

how would I go about getting copies of the text messages? anybody know? what about communications at work?

 

 

Don't worry about the trivial stuff. Next time you see her messaging him do the following, wait for her to finish, get her phone when she sets it down, and send this guy a message.

 

"My husband and I just had a big fight. He can be so, so, so stubborn. I was really afraid. He left. I don't know if he will be back. I'm so upset. I don't want to be alone right now. Please call me. Or better yet, just come over."

 

Hand her her phone back, grab your boombox, go outside, and start doing your street fight warm-up routine. Get attention! Wake your neighbors! You tried to talk and she didn't want to talk. So make her come to you. That changes the whole balance of power. Instead of spending all her time wondering what this homewrecker is up to, she spends her time wondering what's got into you, see?

 

I know we are so modern and skeptical now, that you aren't going to believe this, but it is still true. This guy is a warlock (hypnotist, etc.) and has your wife under a spell. You need to break her out of it. There is no point in trying to talk to her until this guy is out of the picture, so scare him off yourself. And don't bother being mad at her, some people are just susceptible to magic, love her anyway.

[Magister]

how would I go about getting copies of the text messages? anybody know? what about communications at work?

 

 

Don't worry about the trivial stuff. If she is finished with yalls marriage, none of that is going to help anyway. Just don't let her spend a year or two making a decision. It would suck royally for you to, say, hit the $300M jackpot six months from now and have to split it with her.

 

So, next time you see her messaging him, wait for her to finish, get her phone when she sets it down (or dangit just take it from her), and send this guy a message.

 

"My husband and I just had a big fight. He can be so, so, so stubborn. I'm really, really afraid our marriage is over. He left. I don't know if he will be back. I'm so upset. I don't want to be alone right now. Please call me. Or better yet, just come over."

 

Hand her her phone back, grab your boombox, go outside, and start doing your street fight warm-up routine. Get attention! Wake your neighbors! You tried to talk and she didn't want to talk. So make her come to you. That changes the whole balance of power. Instead of spending all her time wondering what this homewrecker is up to, she spends her time wondering what's got into you, see?

 

I know we are so modern and skeptical now, that you aren't going to believe this, but it is still true. This guy is a warlock (hypnotist, etc.) and has your wife under a spell. You need to break her out of it. There is no point in trying to talk to her until this guy is out of the picture, so scare him off yourself. And don't bother being mad at her, some people are just susceptible to magic, love her anyway.

[wanttoknow]

okay - so we have begun discussing this - she does not believe that this is any different than any of her girl friends calling or communicating each day. so - let's even say that I am totally in agreement that this is plutonic and nothing physical or even emotionally taught would come from this, would that much time - everyday talking and communicating with friends be troublesome for the marriage? It sure feels like it - and we will be talking again tonight.

[whichwayisup]

The fact is, her girlfriends are NOT a threat to the marriage. She isn't having "romantic or sexual feelings" for her women friends. Being friends with the OM though is a different story. She IS emotionally attached to him, more than you know. Now, maybe her "intentions" are not to fall for this guy, but the amount of time she spends talking to him, emailing him and IM'ing with him is wrong. It's more than that, she knows it and you know it.

 

She is justifying her actions, to make it all OK. She knows it's not right but can't help herself. Her way of thinking isn't clear, her actions are proof of this.

 

Ask her how she would feel if you spent as much time talking to another woman, who was going through a rough time, due to divorce. Talking, emailing and IM'ing with this woman...IF your wife honestly can look you in the eye and say she wouldn't feel jealous, hurt, insecure, or wonder WHY you are spending so much free time with another woman, well, she's a good liar.

 

Part of the responsibility of being married is not to have "intimate and emotional" friendships with people of the opposite sex. You're just not supposed to put yourself IN a situation where saying no or being tempted might be tested.

 

Your wife is in defense mode right now and feels the need to justify what she's doing...She knows you're getting closer to finding out how important this OM is, her need of him needing her, feeding her ego - Whether it be to make her feel needed and special, or a need to have attention from another man...It's just not healthy for your marriage. UNTIL she can see this, nothing will change.

 

Stand up to her, don't be afraid to speak ALL your worries and thoughts. Make her understand how it makes you feel. Seriously, ask her how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

[Art_Critic]

The fact is, her girlfriends are NOT a threat to the marriage. She isn't having "romantic or sexual feelings" for her women friends.

 

Agreed .. don't let her snow you under.. She wants to keep the " Friendship "

Because she has romantic feelings for him..

She will never tell this

[Mz. Pixie]

Listen to Art and WWIU.

 

You need to take matters into your own hands and read some text messages!

[wanttoknow]

well, we had another long talk last night. I know that the issues that we are having are more than this friendship that I asked for your help with. She asked if I thought there was any way a guy like this would ever look at her in a physical way and I said YES, if you get close enough emotionally that is a given. So, I think we made some progress - a little at a time, but we have a lot more on the table now!

[Art_Critic]

So, I think we made some progress - a little at a time, but we have a lot more on the table now!

 

that is great .. keep it up and keep your eyes open

 

It sure is nice to hear someone post that actually communicates with their spouse..

 

As long as it's in the open and she doesn't hide it the chances are everything is cool.

[jmargel]

It's been awhile since I was on these forums, but I am kinda like in your wife's spot. Her & I will be married 2 years in August, however we had some major problems from the start.

 

Anyway, her friend 'heather' calls me everyday just about. She grew up with my wife when they were kids and kept contact all through their life. However over the past year she saw how my wife treated me and she has told me that it's easier for her to talk to me then her. There is another female friend whom I just caught up with from HS who calls me now & then.

 

Would I ever pursue them romantically? No. Are they attractive? Very. Does my wife know about how they talk to me all the time? Yep. However if my wife were to ever ask me to lay off on the talking/helping them I would. Though it's an ego boost and it makes me feel good that these two women have instilled enough trust into me to ask me for advice quite often I know where my boundaries lay at.

 

If I were & they were single, I would probably date them. However that is not the case. All I know is that I have two great friends that happen to be female. Though 'heather' was single for most of the time that I've been talking to her not once has she made a move on me, nor have I onto her. But I can sense closeness.

 

The bottom line is if it makes you uncomfortable she should just lay back some regarding this other friend. Since he's going through a divorce he's probably going to latch onto her pretty hard. The last thing you need in your marriage is a competition. That is something that I would not want my wife to go through and I often ask her if she minds that I talk to them. She doesn't and in fact has given me permission to see them w/o her. She has enough trust in me that I wouldn't jeopardize the marriage.

 

Every marriage is different and so is each situation. She needs to be careful because she could easily get caught up in a big mess. She needs to set boundaries and let this other guy know what they are.

[wanttoknow]

Hey, I have given things a bit of time here, and I am under a different name, but I am the same person who started this Discussion.

 

Well, as I stated in my last post, we did discuss this quite a bit. There are so many issues we need to deal with, and things with her friends have not really slowed all that much. Things are a bit different and I see her trying to make sure that nothing comes in the way of our own time, but I still get pangs of jelousy. It seems like I am always "checking up" on her, but I feel like I can't miss anything or I might make a mistake and trust this guy too much.

 

The main issue in all of our problems is how she does not like the way she looks right now and she wants to lose weight. I get this, but it is not something that I have ever harped on because I think she is still the most beautiful and desireable person for me! So underlying is all this other crap and I still feel like she is using others for things she could get at home friendship wise. I do not want to be left out of that loop!

 

So, some parts are better, others....well...could be better yet!