To Midori

[Tina]

Hi Midori,

 

Thanks for responding to my "can you be friends with a guy you were involved with post" of Friday.

 

To clarify your question about why we are just talking on the phone is because I am not in the same city as him. Since my work involves extensive periods of travel and always being on the move it is difficult to be in the same place all the time.

 

This is why I think it will be easier to see just how things stand between us when we meet face to face. There is a whole other dimension that just can't happen over the stupid telephone, and I guess this is why I got so upset because he seemed to have made the friends decision over the phone. OF course everything becomes platonic the moment you stop seeing each other in person, right? So in theory, I could say that we have only been 'friends' since our last meeting except for a couple of times that we had phone sex, but neither of found this very fulfilling.

 

He has told me many times that he is incapable of having sex with a woman unless he is in love with her and apparently it is very difficult for him to fall in love because not many women meet his "criteria". I told him I'd rather not define our relationship and he admitted that he doesn't talk to other 'friends' the way he talks to me. So what am I supposed to do? We're taking time off (phone time) and I'm not going to call him anymore unless he calls me because I don't want to chase him, even though I want him so much!!

[midori]

This is why I think it will be easier to see just how things stand between us when we meet face to face.

I think you're saying that you think the break-up should wait until the two of you can meet in person. Which makes sense on some levels, but since he's already initiated breaking up it's rather a moot point. You certainly could say the things you've brought up here to him and see what he has to say ... but my guess is that his mind is already made up.

 

So in theory, I could say that we have

only been 'friends' since our last meeting except for a couple of times that we had phone sex, but neither of found this very fulfilling.

So, no sex during your last actual meeting but you've had phone sex a couple of times after that? Who initiated that? Something seems fishy ... why weren't you physically involved the last time you met? I don't know but this guy really doesn't sound like he's putting all of his cards on the table in this relationship. Seems to me like something else is going on ...

He has told me many times that he is incapable of having sex with a woman unless he is in love with her and apparently it is very difficult for him to fall in love because not many women meet his "criteria". I told him I'd rather not define our relationship and he admitted that he doesn't talk to other 'friends' the way he talks to me. So what am I supposed to do? We're taking time off (phone time) and I'm not going to call him anymore unless he calls me because I don't want to chase him, even though I want him so much!!

Hm. It's hard to say for sure but this guy really does sound like at best he doesn't know what he wants, and at worst he's not above selfishly using you as it suits him. The phone sex thing is very troubling. Two months ago my ex called me up after having broken up with a woman whom he was still interested in pursuing (complicated, apparently) but with whom he didn't have a fulfilling sex life. He then started a trip down memory lane about our top ten "best times" (there were many) and about how no one could replace me in that regard. What was his purpose? To reconnect with me? No. Just to get off, and apparently no one can do it for him like I could. To the best of my knowledge (I'm not speaking to him until he apologizes for that incident) he's still determined to try to make things work with the new woman when he gets back into town. My point in sharing this is that sexual attraction alone (even if he says it is accompanied by emotion) does not a relationship make. Obviously I don't know what's going on with your guy, but my advice would be to take his words at face value (since you have no real reason not to) and set about moving on. If he wants to get back into your life when you're both in the same place again, let him do the work.

[Tina]

I think you're saying that you think the break-up should wait until the two of you can meet in person. Which makes sense on some levels, but since he's already initiated breaking up it's rather a moot point.

 

The thing I don't understand is that he didn't say we were breaking up. I said to him,"So you're breaking up with me then?" and he said, "No, I'm not, but I think it will be easier for both of us to be friends. The future is open."

So, no sex during your last actual meeting but you've had phone sex a couple of times after that? Who initiated that?

 

Of course there was sex during our last meeting! We slept intertwined the whole nights never letting go of each other and there are not many men with whom I've gotten this close to when actually "sleeping" after sex. He was feeling really lonely one evening and told me he wanted to buy a porno film to satisfy himself, so I told him to go ahead if that would help, and also offered to be on the phone for him if he needed extra "stimulation", so he talked to me and had the film on at the same time...

 

Something seems fishy

... why weren't you physically involved the last time you met? (answer above)

 

Hm. It's hard to say for sure but this guy really does sound like at best he doesn't know what he wants, and at worst he's not above selfishly using you as it suits him. The phone sex thing is very troubling.

 

Do you think I made myself look cheap by offering him the phone sex? Apparently he had never done it before over the phone, and he told me afterwards that he felt weird doing it over the phone. I just wanted to help him. I'm not really a person for that either.

 

My point in sharing

this is that sexual attraction alone (even if he says it is accompanied by emotion) does not a relationship make.

 

It's not just a sex thing with us because we have many unusual common interests and according to him, I am so much more intelligent and interesting than his former girlfriends

 

(of course you might say this is just a line, but I believe it)

 

"You are in my blood," he told me meaning that he could never forget me. He also said thing like this: "No one has ever spoken to me the way you do, and no one has ever loved me as strongly as you, and I need someone who loves me most of all. You are the most sensual, sexy woman I've ever known and I don't more than you. I don't need more. You're voice alone does something to my heart whenever I talk to you...."

 

Perhaps he feels inadequate with himself and is afraid I would leave him. Maybe he is only "protecting" himself from me leaving him? Could this be possible?

[midori]

Perhaps he feels inadequate with himself and is afraid I would leave him. Maybe he is only "protecting" himself from me leaving him? Could this be possible?

Sure it's possible. You're on the road with your job a lot while he is stationary, which is difficult in and of itself. If he's impressed with your intelligence, etc. perhaps he feels a bit insecure (is your job more exciting and prestigious, at least in his eyes)?

 

But you know what, it's no good wondering what he might or might not be thinking/fearing/doubting. Ask him upfront. Tell him that you're really hurt by this and tell him your fears about him losing his passion for you. Of course what I'm suggesting would require you to make yourself really vulnerable to him but if you keep these questions and hurts to yourself they'll just stay with you all the longer. Get to the bottom of things with him. Point out the contradictions you see in what he has said and what he's doing now. Make him account for himself -- not in an aggressive way but in a matter-of-fact, "hey friend, what's going on?" kind of way. I wish I'd been able to do that more with my ex. If neither of you can be brave enough to be the first to open yourself up fully to the other, all you'll end up with are regretful questions and confusion. Doesn't mean you'll get the answers you want to hear, but at least you'll clear up the confusion.

 

Good luck!

 

-m