What is your definition of cheating?

[beautifulnpink22]

My boyfriend told me that all guys cheat, it just depends on how far you allow it to go. He said every guy flirts and thinks of another female and to him that's considered cheating but it's not necessarily wrong it doesn't go any further than that. So what do you guys think, what's your definition of cheating?

[laRubiaBonita]

anything you would feel remorseful or guilty about doing.... especially if you SO was not there.

[Guest]

I agree...anything that may make you feel guilty. Anything physical or to a point where feelings for eachother get discussed.

 

 

I guess there are a bunch of ways to cheat, but think of it this way, if it makes you feel betrayed, it's not good.

 

But all men do not cheat! I am a woman and i have even realized that.

[Jools]

Its ok to look at someone and think they're attractive or sexy etc. It's just human nature, just because you're with someone doesn't mean everyone else become unattractive to you. Cheating is when you actually do something, be it chatting someone up with a view to doing something more to something as full blown as sleeping with them.

[Tim'sAngel]

My boyfriend told me that all guys cheat, it just depends on how far you allow it to go. He said every guy flirts and thinks of another female and to him that's considered cheating but it's not necessarily wrong it doesn't go any further than that. So what do you guys think, what's your definition of cheating?

 

Um.. no offence but your bf is full of s***!! No not every guys "cheats" or flirts with other women. Men do look at other women but women look at men, you can't put blinders on your eyes and walk around w/a cane. your bf sounds quite immature.

 

Me and my SO have this little thing where we don't do anything we woudn't want the other to do.

[Cecelius]

1) Anything you would not do if your significant other were standing there, hearing, seeing and reading your mind at the same time.

 

2) Anything you know that your significant other would not approve of, whether you agree or not

[laRubiaBonita]

and it is all about intentions....... sure i have platonic male friends, and we hug, kiss on the cheek, rarely on the mouth if ever.... and for me, there are no sexual intentions there at all...... i do not know if my guy friends have those intentions or not, they have never expressed it to me, in the 6+ years, but those are not my feelings or intentions.

[Tim'sAngel]

and it is all about intentions....... sure i have platonic male friends, and we hug, kiss on the cheek, rarely on the mouth if ever.... and for me, there are no sexual intentions there at all...... i do not know if my guy friends have those intentions or not, they have never expressed it to me, in the 6+ years, but those are not my feelings or intentions.

 

you don't think that is a little disrespectful to your SO? Or has he expressed to you he doesn't mind?

[laRubiaBonita]

you don't think that is a little disrespectful to your SO? Or has he expressed to you he doesn't mind?

he has expressed he does not mind, he's met these guys, and they're about 15-20 years my seniors..... but awesome buddies nevertheless!

 

and whenever he recieves a call, or text, etc... out of pure curtousy to me, he tells me who it was..... i do not even ask!

 

i think to we have both been burned in the past..... it is just respect to your SIGNIFIGANT other

[witabix]

To add to the above....

 

Any act that would be considered in a court of law as sexual assualt or harrassment if uninvited. Thats cheating, and unsavoury to boot.

[nicki]

I would be pissed if my boyfriend did these things with another woman:

 

1. Flirted

 

2. Had long intimate conversations

 

3. Made suggestive comments

 

4. Spent time together

 

5. Kissed

 

That's enough for me to dump him right there. That kind of behavior crosses important relationship boundaries. I've broken up with guys who acted like that. I didn't think of them as cheaters, YET....just getting close enough for me to think they would.

 

For me, I wouldn't technically consider it "cheating" unless he:

 

1. Engaged in anything physical beyond kissing, including foreplay and sex.

 

Maybe I'm old fashioned here. I do think there is such a thing as inappropriate behavior. Red flags on the way to cheating.

 

Now, I think guys (with girlfriends/wives) accepting lap dances is WRONG, but I wouldn't call it cheating....unless he touched the stripper in ANY Way...I'd still be very upset that he was so thoughtless to get a lap dance, but cheating? I don't think so. Just very stupid.

 

Am I behind the times? I would hate to think I was a cheater just because I flirted with a guy when I had a boyfriend. Or poured my heart out to a guy because I was unhappy with my boyfriend...before I broke up with him...

 

Or that a friend's husband was cheating on her because he told me I had a great as#....I did tell her he was saying crap like that....she put a stop to it.

 

Is my definition of cheating out of whack?

 

I'd like to hear more on how you all define cheating....very interesting....

[Guest]

My boyfriend told me that all guys cheat, it just depends on how far you allow it to go. He said every guy flirts and thinks of another female and to him that's considered cheating but it's not necessarily wrong it doesn't go any further than that. So what do you guys think, what's your definition of cheating?

 

My defintion of cheating ties closely to what he has described to you. Let me explain.

 

A relationship, although seen as complex can be broken down into one simple word; Needs. The reason humans have such unqiue relationships with one another is the simple fact that we satisfy each others' needs. A bond between two people built through trust. We trust each other to satisfy each others' needs, and we trust that we will allow each other to do so. A man is most often hard wired to seek the need for emotional support, at least those who seek a true commitment in a partner. There are obviously those of us who feel otherwise, and other needs are satisfied through other types of relationships. For the purposes of the flavour of this board I will stick with the perspective of a commited, trusting relationship of love. A man who receives emotional support from his spouse, will in turn provide perhaps confirmatinal support, understanding, or yes I will say it, financial support. This is the meanign behind opposites attract.

 

I have a lot more to say below, but the Cole's notes version is that the moment you seek otehrs to fulfill any of those needs which you have entrusted or been entrusted for, I consider that cheating. That isn't to say there aren't needs, such as happiness, which can't be satisfied by a variety of different relationships. Sex is a need, just of a different sort, and different caliber, depending on your values. Flirting can be seen as innocent, but is only the preclude to more involved relationships. Flirting is almost liek a drug to the human ego.

 

Now, let us assume that the man has trusted his female partner to fulfill need A, and the woman receives need B. Two things usually happen, the man, pocessing the instinct to 'spread his seed', seeks other females to fulfill certain needs. The other option is the classic young girl dilemna. I wish all girls wold seek to better undertsadn the complexities of the human brain. The young girl is seeing a young man, a single need of hers stops being fulfilled. She first seeks internally to her man to fulfill it, but when she fails, she seeks external help in fulfilling this need. She then feels 'good' about this other person, becomes confused and breaks it off because a single need is being fulfilled

 

The catch 22 of all of this is that humans, although animilstic in nature are not animals. We are better than animals because we have the gifts of self-actualization and decision. We pocess instincts but are given further insight to create decision. The wrong decisions are usually gnerated when people become selfish, stop thinking, and start using mroe basic instincts.

[RecordProducer]

and it is all about intentions....... sure i have platonic male friends, and we hug, kiss on the cheek, rarely on the mouth if ever.... and for me, there are no sexual intentions there at all...... i do not know if my guy friends have those intentions or not, they have never expressed it to me, in the 6+ years, but those are not my feelings or intentions.

 

1) Anything you would not do if your significant other were standing there, hearing, seeing and reading your mind at the same time.

 

2) Anything you know that your significant other would not approve of, whether you agree or not

 

I agree with these two posts. It's interesting that LaRubia said it's all about intentions. I think having cyber sex out of a joke is less cheating than having feelings for someone even if you don't act on them at all. The former is disgusting if the partner finds out, but the latter is very hurtful.

 

I would be much more hurt if my husband referred to a woman he is attracted with "Hi, pretty lady!" than if I found out he had cyber sex with a no-name girl online (although he'd get it for that big time! ).

 

He could do dirty dancing with a woman I know he is not attracted to and I wouldn't care, but showing one step to a woman he likes would get him in trouble.

 

So it depends on the intentions and feelings. Also, we don't need to know everything. I can turn around after a cute guy (I don't see many that I like anyway), but wouldn't do it in front of hubby, for sure.

[laRubiaBonita]

My defintion of cheating ties closely to what he has described to you. Let me explain.

 

A relationship, although seen as complex can be broken down into one simple word; Needs. The reason humans have such unqiue relationships with one another is the simple fact that we satisfy each others' needs. A bond between two people built through trust. We trust each other to satisfy each others' needs, and we trust that we will allow each other to do so. A man is most often hard wired to seek the need for emotional support, at least those who seek a true commitment in a partner. There are obviously those of us who feel otherwise, and other needs are satisfied through other types of relationships. For the purposes of the flavour of this board I will stick with the perspective of a commited, trusting relationship of love. A man who receives emotional support from his spouse, will in turn provide perhaps confirmatinal support, understanding, or yes I will say it, financial support. This is the meanign behind opposites attract.

 

I have a lot more to say below, but the Cole's notes version is that the moment you seek otehrs to fulfill any of those needs which you have entrusted or been entrusted for, I consider that cheating. That isn't to say there aren't needs, such as happiness, which can't be satisfied by a variety of different relationships. Sex is a need, just of a different sort, and different caliber, depending on your values. Flirting can be seen as innocent, but is only the preclude to more involved relationships. Flirting is almost liek a drug to the human ego.

 

Now, let us assume that the man has trusted his female partner to fulfill need A, and the woman receives need B. Two things usually happen, the man, pocessing the instinct to 'spread his seed', seeks other females to fulfill certain needs. The other option is the classic young girl dilemna. I wish all girls wold seek to better undertsadn the complexities of the human brain. The young girl is seeing a young man, a single need of hers stops being fulfilled. She first seeks internally to her man to fulfill it, but when she fails, she seeks external help in fulfilling this need. She then feels 'good' about this other person, becomes confused and breaks it off because a single need is being fulfilled

 

The catch 22 of all of this is that humans, although animilstic in nature are not animals. We are better than animals because we have the gifts of self-actualization and decision. We pocess instincts but are given further insight to create decision. The wrong decisions are usually gnerated when people become selfish, stop thinking, and start using mroe basic instincts.

 

 

BLAH....BLAH....BLAH..... excuses for behaviour, which if wanted, could be controlled by the self

[catgirl1927]

I would be pissed if my boyfriend did these things with another woman:

 

1. Flirted

 

2. Had long intimate conversations

 

3. Made suggestive comments

 

4. Spent time together

 

5. Kissed

 

That's enough for me to dump him right there. That kind of behavior crosses important relationship boundaries. I've broken up with guys who acted like that. I didn't think of them as cheaters, YET....just getting close enough for me to think they would.

 

For me, I wouldn't technically consider it "cheating" unless he:

 

1. Engaged in anything physical beyond kissing, including foreplay and sex.

 

Maybe I'm old fashioned here. I do think there is such a thing as inappropriate behavior. Red flags on the way to cheating.

 

Now, I think guys (with girlfriends/wives) accepting lap dances is WRONG, but I wouldn't call it cheating....unless he touched the stripper in ANY Way...I'd still be very upset that he was so thoughtless to get a lap dance, but cheating? I don't think so. Just very stupid.

 

Am I behind the times? I would hate to think I was a cheater just because I flirted with a guy when I had a boyfriend. Or poured my heart out to a guy because I was unhappy with my boyfriend...before I broke up with him...

 

Or that a friend's husband was cheating on her because he told me I had a great as#....I did tell her he was saying crap like that....she put a stop to it.

 

Is my definition of cheating out of whack?

 

I'd like to hear more on how you all define cheating....very interesting....

 

I think this is right on.

 

And to the OP, your boyfriend is setting you up to accept it when he cheats on you. All men do not cheat. It took me a lot of years to realize that.

[scarlyjones]

I would be pissed if my boyfriend did these things with another woman:

 

 

2. Had long intimate conversations

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's enough for me to dump him right there. That kind of behavior crosses important relationship boundaries.

 

For me, I wouldn't technically consider it "cheating" unless he:

 

I would hate to think I was a cheater just because I flirted with a guy when I had a boyfriend. Or poured my heart out to a guy because I was unhappy with my boyfriend...

 

 

Uh,...Your logic is flawed right in your post. You say you'd be pi55ed if your BF had long intimate conversations with other women, but, then you go on to say how you would hate to think you were a cheater if you poured your heart out to a guy. Thats pretty 'intimate' if you ask me. Plus,...to rub salt in a wound,...you think it would be ok to pour your heart out to this guy ABOUT your boyfriend. Tsk Tsk Tsk.

[nicki]

Logic not flawed. I said I'd be pissed, didn't say it was cheating.

 

Of course it was wrong to confide in another guy, that's why I knew I needed to break up with my boyfriend. Wrong, yes, but not cheating....unless I was doing it naked....

[ilovecables]

What about going to a massage studio, is that considered cheating?

[scarlyjones]

Logic not flawed. I said I'd be pissed, didn't say it was cheating.

 

Of course it was wrong to confide in another guy, that's why I knew I needed to break up with my boyfriend. Wrong, yes, but not cheating....unless I was doing it naked....

 

 

Yes, well, alot of people interperet their own versions or definitions of things to suit them. Way to split the hell out of hairs with the "wrong" versus "cheating" comparison.

 

Lemme get this straight,...you "confided" in another guy, then said..."Oh I probably shouldnt have done that......darn it,....oh well, I guess I have to break up with my boyfriend". Yeah,....that sounds normal.

[IrishCarBomb]

I'll post this once again:

 

Cheating is not as gray as everyone would make it out to be, there is a clear-cut simple rule to cheating: If you would be upset with your significant other doing it, it is not ok for you to be doing it. It's as simple as that. Anything else is a rediculous and selfish double standard which reeks of immaturity and insecurity.

 

Do you flirt with other people at the bar for kicks? Better be sure to be ok with it if your significant other does the same. Is a kiss on the cheek ok? The forehead? The lips? It's as simple as talking to your partner. Lay out what behavior is acceptable and just enjoy the relationship.

 

If the bad behavior continues once you've established the rules, then he/she is an inconsiderate and selfish a**h***, and you should happily ditch their ass.

[nicki]

Yes, Irishcarbomb, it's a good idea to establish boundaries, and what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable.

 

It's not really a question of the definition of cheating, but rather what the relationship boundaries are....and if the other person cares enough to honor them.

 

As for me, I knew when I was confiding in another man that I wasn't getting my needs met with my current boyfriend. I had already expressed what I wanted and he just wasn't capable of it....that's why I knew I had to break up with him...it wasn't something I did, then said, "oops, I better break up with my boyfriend."

 

It was more a realization that I was unable to change the relationship into one that worked. It's mature to leave at that time, not mature to stay and be miserable, or be tempted by someone who is better suited to you.

 

I still stand by my definition of "cheating." I think people can engage in bad behavior that is not cheating, but is still enough to break up over...Like Irishcarbomb said, it's about someone (and ourselves) being considerate of someone else's feelings.

 

If someone is an inconsiderate a##hole, then it's not worth it. That doesn't mean they are a "cheater," however.

[nicki]

Just wanted to add that I had a boyfriend who texted his old girlfriend to tell her that he missed her....

 

I broke up with him, but I would not call him a "cheater," just an a##hole.

[Tim'sAngel]

Just wanted to add that I had a boyfriend who texted his old girlfriend to tell her that he missed her....

 

I broke up with him, but I would not call him a "cheater," just an a##hole.

 

Wouldn't that be considered emotional cheating?

[ridingthebulls]

No offense, but it sounds like he is already starting to make excuses for his possible future actions. And yeah, he's trying to get you used to this information as "fact" so that you will be better abled to accept it later.

[nicki]

yes, i suppose one could define it that way....i just have a hard time with the whole "emotional" cheating thing....

 

I know firsthand how painful it is to have it done to you, but to call it cheating feels off to me....that kind of behavior is more like a prelude to cheating, and that's why I broke up with him.

 

I guess what I get from all this is that anything done that is disrepectful to the other partner is extremely destructive...maybe "cheating" is just the final destination on a long road of hurtful incidents...