Need Desperate Answers

[sykevon]

HEY EVERYONE I KNOW I WROTE A LOT BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I NEED HONEST REAL ADVICE AND I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO GET GOOD ADVICE IF I WROTE 2 LINES .. SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE 5 MINUTES AND READ MY STORY AND TRY TO HELP ME OUT ... PLEASE ...

 

My boyfriend and I liked eachother in highschool, I was in grade 9 he was in grade 12, 4 years later we started dating ... he was so happy he always told me he had always wanted me as his girlfriend and couldnt believe we actually were dating, I felt the same way. I fell in love with him in the first 3 months because he was SO decent, and honest. His past 2 ex'girlfriends had cheated on him and he had remained faithful to them. He always told me how his mom taught him that cheating on women is disrespectful, and he doesn't know how his friends do it. I thought i was the luckiest girl in the world, as did my friends and best friend. My boyfriend and I have been through a lot since it's an interracial relationship, after about aN year we were thinkin about getting engaged, and I spoke with my parents and they said I would have to leave home to do that, because they would never accept him and wished me good luck with life ... I spoke to my boyfriend and he said he would support me etc. I believed him. So, i moved in witH him and his mom and sister a while ago.

However, before this in about march he got his lines crossed on his cell phone when i called and i heard another girl ... he told me it was nothing that she was just some girl at work he felt sorry for because she was a foster child with an abusive boyfriend etc etc ... i heard a voicemail left by her on the his cell, "hey butterfly, its ur princess ...' and this was in the middle of march or something ... he kept tellin me that that's how she is (they met at work) with everyone at work etc etc that everyone calls her princess thats their nickname for her etc. I believed him because of the fact that I knew he was so against cheating and would never want to hurt me like that, because i was the most amazing girlfriend to him ... It however always bothered me how he would defend her saing 'shes a cool girl' this and that and not try to make me feel better, instead make me feel like i was the bad guy. then for his birthday she bought him an expensive cologne and he didnt tell me about it, until i seen it, and he told me he wasnt going to tell me about it because he knew i would get upset because i didnt like the girl. i explained to him that it wasnt that i didnt like the girl but it was him hiding everythin about her, and defending her to me that i didnt like ... a couple of days ago it got to a point where i called his work and asked to speak to her, and she asked me if we were dating or girlfried/boyfriend or anythin i was in shock, cuz he always told me he praised our relationship to others because we had been through so much together and on top of that he always preached about how you shouldnt cheat on one another etc. when i told her its been over a year she was like 'what the f***, he told me he didint have a girlfriend that u guys broke up etc' and then told me that 'from what i knoew he likes me and i like him and he had slept at her house and they had not had sex, but just made out here and there' ... i then told her to put him on the line cuz he was also at work and she did, and he denied it at first trying to make up stories but then finally admitted to it. when he came home to talk to me (since i live with him/his mom/his sis) he apologized over and over and i asked him why and he said he didnt know ... he honestly didnt know, that there were no specific reasons he just didnt know why, and he said he was relieved that i knew because it had been botherin him for so long but he just didnt know how to tell me because he was scared to lose me and that he was hurting so much, because he knew i didnt deserve what he did, but he just didnt know what came over him he wanted to stop but he just couldnt believe what was happening etc. we were cryin i told him its ok etc etc ... the next mornin i wanted to finish talkng and i told him to tell me everythin and jsut wipe his slate clean ... however he couldnt bring himself to talk so i helped by asking questions ... and i found out that it had been going on up until i caught him by calling her like kissing here and there, ass grabbing, and phone calls (though he says he doesnt remember much about them) ... he made up a pet name 'princess' for her since she made up 'butterfly' for him ... i was devestated, because he was my first everything, and i had put so much trust in him ... his mom started crying when she found because it was SO UNEXPECTED this was not the guy we knew ... now he's telling me that all the truth is out, the complete honest truth, that they made out in his car, and in her room, and there was ass grabbin while at work and kissing at work as well ... and phone calls here and there but nothin more, because he wasnt attracted to her, and he hoesntly has no idea what came over him to do such a thing, and he feels horrible, he apologized for making me feel so crap since he met her, and he says he thinks it was because he was living in denial not wanting to admit he was cheating on me to himself because he couldnt believe what a hypocrite he turned out to be and what a fake person he was with everyone for the past 5 months ... im hoping he's telling me the truth about his and this other girls relationship, and that there was nothing more than what he says there was. A part of me hates him for breaking my heart like this, but i know i love him dearly and i know he made a terrible mistake that he regrets badly ... i want to call this other girl again and make sure he's telling the truth about their relationship and what happened etc but i dont know if i should or shouldnt, its just i dont have a family now because my family will never take me back and im going into my second year of university in september, im pretty much on my own with my best friend(who is my cousin) there as a shoulder to cry on, i asked him why he let me leave my family for him when he knew he was being unfaithful to me he has no reason whatsoever, he did say he was gonna muster up the courage to tell me sooner or later, i just dont understand why he would do it, i did so much for him since he met this girl at work, we of course had our fights here and there but never once did i tell another guy, 'oh me and my boyfriend are fighting now, i doubt we're gonna last' etc etc, instead i was the one thinkin of a solution like hmm what can i dooo to fix the problem ... and its like everytime we had a fight i wasnt his girlfriend to this girl ... dont get me wrong everyone else knew about me expect this girl, and ive seen her and she isnt an aneglina jolie thats for sure, so i know he wasnt physically attracted to her, im thinkin it was more 'talking' that got them bonding, cuz she gave him a sob story, and im thinkin he wanted a way to bond so he made up he was in a s***ty relationship as well ... but i dont see why he would do that ... it makes nooo sense, and he's at a loss of words as well... it would have been so much more easier if he had done it out of revenge because i cheated on him, but i didnt i remained faithful ... UGH ... so yeah i dont know if i should call her because if she tells me exactly what he told me, it will take me time but i will take him back though it will take months to forgive him, and years for me to be able to trust him again like how i did, i love him so much though because i know he's a good person at heart and i believe that people do make mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance... but hten again im just confused i dont know what i should do ... take him back or not ... call this girl or not ... please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Latyday]

Life is full of decisions and from what I've experienced This is nothing compared to what happend in my 5 yr relationship. People make mistakes and it is very possiable for someone to cheat and stay together and work things out. Your young, You have time to feel out the situation however, you absolutly must teach him a lesson though. Because if he gets off easy he will be willing to over step his bounds again and "suffer the consequenses" So If you want to be with him that is fine nobody can judge you for that. As my mother would say "If you want to be with a man let him be the last to know" ...LOL. Let him work hard to get you back. As far as the other chick is concerned, I'd say you could call her but she can only do one of two things tell the truth or lie neighther of which you really have time to figure out. If he is still involved with her believe me you will find out, once he gets confortable and figures every thing with you too are on track he will slip up IF he's up to something trust me when I tell you this.

 

And remember , Its never too late to go home, you will always have a family weather they like it or not. what's you and your BF's ethnicity?

It may be hard to come home to I told you so's but they will be glad to see you im sure.

[Guest]

trust is very hard to regain. Especially since i doubt either of them are planning to quit there job because of this so you know they will still be together every day. Bottom line, he cheated on you, lied to you, and betrayed your trust. Leave him. You are young and deserve so much better than that. Get into a relationship that will be loving and honest. He's scum!

[Guest-angel7]

I know how you feel. I dont' know but it seems like myself and so many women here are in denial that our bfs are a**h***s.

myself, like you, honest to my bf. and so good to him. he tells me that he tells his female coworkers about how great i am and what not too. but i know now that's not true, coz one of his coworkers is massively hiting on him, and he says to me that he finally told her how much he loved me. and, the thing is, he said that to me a month ago. ???

anyway, my situation is different than yours, because my bf is getting back in touch with his ex gf and i'm sure he isn't telling her about me too. and i think to myself, should i get a hold of her and see what she says? then i think no i won't. and i don't think you should either. you're going to talk to this girl, and what is that really going to do? you know that he grabbed her ass and made out with her already. i'm sure she doesn't have THAT much more to add in about it. she's probably hurt too and i don't think you should involve her because to her, ur bf was just a single guy that had relationshp problems. to her, he wasn't ur bf.

it will just make u feel worse abotu the whole thing talking to her i thnk. you should just deal with him. he already lied to you once about the whole thing. so, i guess it's basically, should you stay or should you leave now.....

and that's the hard part. i think about it too, and will you have the same relationship as you did before this happened? i know that after finding out my bf lies to me, i dont' feel the same about him. i feel bitter towards him even though i'm still with him. and i know we'll eventually break up because of my bitterness. but he's the one that caused it. soooooo......i don't know. i'm confused too so i'm sorry about the possibly bad advice.

[Guest]

talk to the girl

then talk to ur man

and ur conversation will have to be based on what she admits to you...

 

so if u find out that during the phone calls he would say i really like you, etc ... break it off completely with ur man and move on, its gonna be tough but thats the best thing for u...

 

if she says what he told u, that there were just random kisses here and there, and making out once or twice and ass grabbing, and phonecalls about nothin in general ... then talk to ur man

 

ask him if what you and him had in the past 5 months while he was kissing this other girl meant anything to him ... and how could he do it, how could he kiss u goodbye leave for work and kiss her hello, and then come home to you ... tell him 'i dont know' is not a sufficient enough answer for you to make any decisions and that you deserve an explanation given the fact that you remained faithful to him

 

good luck!!!

*hugs*

[lilly126]

Okay, I'm going to just give it to you STRAIGHT. Don't take offense. Your boyfriend is a lying JERK. That whole bit about him not being attracted to her?! Total bulls***. He is attracted to her, otherwise he wouldn't have done ANYTHING WITH HER. He's lying to you. He gave you false intentions of what he expected to come out of your relationship with you. First of all, he should have NEVER come between you and your family. And no matter how great your relationship is with his mom and sister, you need to leave. Go back to your parents. Ask them for forgiveness and tell them what happened. They are your PARENTS. They love you. And you need YOUR FAMILY right now. Don't talk to that guy again. No matter what he said to you, he didn't want you to find out...no matter how guilty he felt. It's guys like him that give other guys a bad rep! You're better than this. Leave and walk away and build up your self-esteem. Good luck!

[tikigods]

Im going to say that you need to get away from him and go back to your family. You would be amazed at how forgiving your family could be if you tell them the truth. Your boyfriend is a liar, he was attarcted to her or else he wouldn't have done anything with her. Froget him and get your life back on track

[sykevon]

okkkkkkkk

 

thanks to everyone who replied

 

so basically what happened was we obviously broke up when he admitted he cheated ... but then we sat down and just talked ... no arguing, yelling, crying, nothing of that sort... we just talked ... spoke in calm voices and listened to one another ...

 

he told me he was so confused that he didnt know why he turned out to be someone he never wanted to be, and then was quiet n was like 'ok you know im tryin to think of a reason, im trying but there is no specific reason, i cant say it was out of revenge or anything cuz u didnt deserve what i did ... but here like im gona try and tell you what's on my mind ...

#1 - i know i love you and still love you the same way for the past 5 months if anythin my love just keeps growing, that's why im so confused inside as to why i would do that, and thats why i feel so much more bad and guilty and so stupid ...

#2 - i didnt like the girl .. she was there like she was flirtacious and i guess i didnt know what i was getting into, i should have stopped talking to her, but then at the time i dont know what was going on in my head, because there you were doing nothing but good for me, and i messed up i let things get outta control, i knew after the first time she kissed me that it was wrong but i just kept lettin it happen because i didnt know how to stop it or what to do, because i had never been in such a situation like that before and then i just figured i wouldnt get caught and knew it was stupid because ur such a smart girl ... and on top of that there was no attraction like i would never date that girl if i had a choice u know ... so thats why i dont understand what i was thinking ...

#3 - i always vowed to never hurt a woman the way i hurt u, and that makes me feel so guilty cuz that was a lifelong goal but now its no more cuz of me i ruined it ... and i have to find a way to look at me again ... because i feel so disgusted at myself

#4 - i can never see ur cousin again, cuz i know she hates me and will look at me different, i can never go out with my work people cuz im such a hypocrite and will feel so stupid and wont be able to face them, i cant even look at my mom and sister the same, because they were so shocked and what's worst of all is that, you can put all those people together and add more, and it cant even compare to how i feel i can never even look at you the same, just because of the fact that i know you didnt deserve it and it eats me up inside ...

and

#5 - i feel so retarded because we had that special something that no other couples had, but i just took that away from you, and that wasnt right for me to do, because it wasnt mine to take away it wasnt anyones to take away ... it was there, it was both of ours to cherish and hold onto and never let go ... but because i dont know i became so retarded for no reason i messed everything up ... and i dont expect u to take me back, i honestly dont, but i just want you to know that im truly very sorry, and im hurting so much knowin that i hurt u ... i cant even like tell u ... but im so sorry thats all ican say and of course htis would never ever ever happen again ever whether u take me back and im with u, or if we split and i end up with someone else which i dont want, because i'll never be able to love them the way i love you, and it wouldnt be fair to marry her and say i wish leeyah was standin here instead, or look at my kids and say, i wish these were mine and leeyahs kids instead.

 

and there was more but i cant really remember ...

so then i told him it will take me a longggg time to be able to build up on the trust part ... trust in any and every aspect, and i was blunt and told him, i see u as every other guy out there ... i dont see u as the guy i fell in love with, and thats somethin ur gonna have to work on to fix .. nad blalbalbalabl

 

 

ALSO

the girl did lie to make the situation worse than it was, because she still liked him, and also she does have a boyfriend ... a guy at work told me

 

and

ALSO

he quit

he's gettin a new job

 

s0o0o0o0o right now we're together but starting fresh ... no more bringin up the past ... we decided we're gonna help eachother and focus on the future

 

 

thankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk you to everyone who replied

 

by the way ... dont get me wrong or anything ... i feel very awkward at times when im lookin at him, and i know he's kissed another girl while i've been at home ... but then again thats what i have to take time about and move on ... cuz it happened ... no need to sit and dwell in the past and grieve for the next 10 years... thats a waste ... i'd rather just move on

 

okie doke

 

thats about ittttt

 

=)

[scarlyjones]

What are you,....15? Jeez.....these are the pivotal years where you are becoming the person you are going to be for the rest of your life. The "get good grades" years,....the "focus on securing a solid independant future" years...and what are you doing? You're putting all your focus on this loser, and this ridiculous puppy-love B.S. You arent even an adult yet. Why would you even be THINKING of "forever" with this guy right now??? Geez.....barely old enough to vote, but, already locked for life. Its been, what, a year? Not even? And ALREADY this drama-riddled crap??? You couldnt even make it a year without losing trust. Get out now. No barely over one year immature relationship is worth severing ties with your family. Good Lord,...grow up,...and wake up!

[sykevon]

SCARLYJONES

 

 

ignorant people bother me

 

fyi i'm 20 going on 21

 

2nd year uni should've given that away

 

n also u don't know my 'family' and sometimes 'severing ties' is a good thing

 

have a nice day

 

=)

[scarlyjones]

SCARLYJONES

 

 

ignorant people bother me

 

fyi i'm 20 going on 21

 

2nd year uni should've given that away

 

n also u don't know my 'family' and sometimes 'severing ties' is a good thing

 

have a nice day

 

=)

Yes ,...sometimes severing ties IS a good thing. Just not in this ridiculous, not even old enough to know what love is yet, situation. And you proved where your maturity level is at when you said (batting eyelashes) "Fyi im 20 going on 21"

 

News flash, sister, ....grown adults with adult-like maturity dont say things like that. I mean, God,.....how many times have we heard a little kid say,.."Im 8 and a half" or "Ill be 10 in 11 months". And also,...this just in.........20 OR 21 is still young and ignorant. Think "teenage" era's 'senior year'. Your just a teen whose no longer 19. In a few years, you'll see how 20 and 21 are nowhere near adulthood. If you still "hang" with your friends and still actually "care" if "Brenda secretly likes David, but David likes Sarah,...only Sarah doesnt know, because she is so not cool anymore...." Getting the picture now? Grow up little girl.

[sykevon]

"just not in this ridiculous"

 

what the hell does that mean ...

 

severing ties with my family was a choice i made because i had to better my life ... it wasn't because of a sole reason ... there were many reasons and my r/s was one to give me the push because i would have never had the strength to do it alone even though i wanted to ....

 

"grown adults with adult-like maturity dont say things like that" ... how many times have i heard ... 'yah im 24 going on 25' or 'im 29 hitting 30' ...

it's not like i said 'i'm 20 and 6 months and 12 days and 4 hours going on 21 in 7 months and 19 days' or some s*** ...

 

and why are u talking like u know me ... 'hang' with friends ... yea i do spend time with my friends when i have time ... but it's hard to find time when your working 2 jobs, in order to pay off tuition and rent etc ...

 

honestly age is nothing but a number, i think that what u experience while life progresses, defines to some extent how mature u are ...

 

in any case

u can judge alllll u want ...

it doesnt bother me ....

[scarlyjones]

... how many times have i heard ... 'yah im 24 going on 25' or 'im 29 hitting 30' ...

 

 

uh,......never. I challenge you to show me even ONE person who has uttered "Im 29, hitting 30"

 

Ive never even HEARD that phrase before. Seems like if it were 'common' Id have atleast heard it before. And dont BS us. You dont have two jobs because thats something you would have mentioned already. You are a child who refuses to admit they are a child. Just like a teenager would. Its amazing how immature people want, so badly, to grow up. Gain the experience, do the work. Its the wisdom that makes you feel and SEEM grown up. Oh,...and by the way,...."Age is only a number..." is what immature people trying to convince others of their maturity always say. You seem torn over some pretty obvious stuff. Grow a backbone, and take control of your own life.

[Jana]

scarlyjones you are way out of line here

 

chill out

 

The poster does not deserve your harrasment.

 

I have heard many many many people say they are 29 going on thirty or whatever there age is. Many college students have 2 jobs some have three. Some people find it better for them to sever ties with their family. I was in love when I was 20 going on 21 now I'm 52 looking back I can honestly say I knew what love was then and lived it. And strive for that now in my relationship, the same type of love, emotional love, that meshing which only happens between certain chemisty types, and just being.

 

I'm glad she is trying work it out. the best relationships only happen with open lines of communication.

 

This is my first post here I could not read this thread without letting you know how out of line you are.

 

Please do not ever reply to any of my posts. Your words are not welcome.

[scarlyjones]

scarlyjones you are way out of line here

 

chill out

 

The poster does not deserve your harrasment.

 

I have heard many many many people say they are 29 going on thirty or whatever there age is. Many college students have 2 jobs some have three. Some people find it better for them to sever ties with their family. I was in love when I was 20 going on 21 now I'm 52 looking back I can honestly say I knew what love was then and lived it. And strive for that now in my relationship, the same type of love, emotional love, that meshing which only happens between certain chemisty types, and just being.

 

I'm glad she is trying work it out. the best relationships only happen with open lines of communication.

 

This is my first post here I could not read this thread without letting you know how out of line you are.

 

Please do not ever reply to any of my posts. Your words are not welcome.

 

 

Every rule has its exceptions. I heard a guy fell 21 stories,...bounced fourteen ft. off the ground,...and lived. That would be the exception to the "If you jump off buildings you will die" rule. Does that make it a good idea to jump? People keep saying "Sometimes its good to severe family ties" ....you keep saying it. What you dont say, however, is "that MOST times,...its a very bad idea".....MOST times. Thats means *things that happen more often than 'sometimes'* for those of you who dont GET that.

[sykevon]

just shut it