Fiancee abused by father as child, now wants contact

[mikedl]

My fiancee was sexually abused by her father from around the age of 10 until age 13. He plead guilty to various charges, and was sentenced to 9 years in prison and 5 years probation. He was recently released from prison, and there is a stay-away order in place for all the members of the family (his ex-wife and four children, the oldest of whom is my fiancee). My fiancee is 22, on her own (not living at home anymore), and has felt for quite a while (at least since I started dating her, which was four years ago) that she would like to at least be allowed to exchange letters with him, partly for the closure that such communication might be able to provide. A couple of days ago, there was a hearing for her to take the stay-away order off. At the hearing, she decided to allow a three-week period of communication which may consist of letters and/or phone calls, but no in-person contact. After 3 weeks there will be another hearing to gauge how well it went and decide whether to revoke communication rights, leave them as-is, or begin allowing some level of visitation, most likely in a public place with at least one third party present.

 

I admit that when I first learned of her desire to have some form of communication with her father, I was hesitant, but when she explained to me that it might help her gain some closure and be theraputic for her, I supported her in her decision. Now, however, I feel like it has gone beyond what I am comfortable with; I just don't feel that it is prudent to allow her father to have any more contact with her than letter-writing, and maybe, just maybe, telephone conversation. On the other hand, I don't want to interfere if it means she might be able to gain a little more closure and help her deal with the emotional scars that she can never fully erase. I am trying to be supportive of her efforts, but I just can't let go of the feeling that this situation just isn't right, and it definitely comes through in my voice and mannerisms when I'm talking about it with her.

 

My big question is this: Should I insist on having her limit her communication to letters/phone calls, or should I push my feelings of hesitancy aside and let her do what she feels is best?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with your girlfriend's issues. Since you have so completely imbibed yourself in her abuse that you cannot push your feelings aside, you need to seek counseling for yourself. You need to learn how to handle this. Seriously, you do. Nobody is born as a know-it-all. And I sincerely hope that you seek help.

[mikedl]

Okay, I understand that I should seek counseling, but what sort of counseling? Should I be going on my own or with my fiancee? She said she is going to be going back to counseling (she hasn't been for a couple of years), to help deal with some of the additional stress that has been present in her life recently. Should I suggest that I go with her? I've never sought counseling before, so I'm a little unsure as to where to begin. Thank you for your help.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

A good certified psychologist recommended by your piers or someone you trust is a good start. If you don't like the person, then change to a different one. Think of it as a teacher-student relationship, except that you get to choose your teacher! Talk to him/her about your concerns, and a good therapist will be able help you discern what your real problems/insecurities are. A good therapist will give constructive critisms and helpful suggestions on how to cope with your situation.

 

It is very easy to allow ourselves embrace our SO's problems and make them our own! A good therapist will help you take some control back and help you focus on what is good for YOU... (and no, not her, or 'us').

 

Good luck. It helps to talk to people on LS... but you need to be careful and not get hang-ups on some posts. Remember, anyone with a PC can be on this forum. That's all I will say about that. (When you've been here long enough, you'll know what I mean. )