What do I say when he asks me back out?

[Guest]

My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me. Well, it has been about a month and he has had a major change of heart. He wants to come back after much thinking, and a lot of crying. He said "I want to change and rebuild everything for her." (referring to me.) Well, I am so excited and happy we wants me again, but I am also very hurt because, of course, he hurt me and in shock because he actually wants to be with me again and has come to a realization that he made a huge mistake! I know for a fact that I didn't cause the break up, and he even confessed this himself. I am just trying to figure out how to tell him when he asks me to be his girlfriend again, how much he hurt me. I am going to take him back, but I know I am not going to give him a straight-forward answer. I just want to be able to tell him how I feel in a positive and effective way. Any suggestions? Thanks!

[Kengne]

My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me. Well, it has been about a month and he has had a major change of heart. He wants to come back after much thinking, and a lot of crying. He said "I want to change and rebuild everything for her." (referring to me.) Well, I am so excited and happy we wants me again, but I am also very hurt because, of course, he hurt me and in shock because he actually wants to be with me again and has come to a realization that he made a huge mistake! I know for a fact that I didn't cause the break up, and he even confessed this himself. I am just trying to figure out how to tell him when he asks me to be his girlfriend again, how much he hurt me. I am going to take him back, but I know I am not going to give him a straight-forward answer. I just want to be able to tell him how I feel in a positive and effective way. Any suggestions? Thanks!

 

Here's a crazy idea - don't say anything!

 

NOW... hear me out. I understand he hurt you immensely, but I don't think you should wait till he asks you back out officially to dump your hurt on him. I can tell you are still feeling resentful at how he ended things, and that is not a good thing.

 

You need to get this resentment out - sooner than later. Perfect example... when my bf broke up w me last Oct seemingly out of NOwhere I was very upset ... when he came back a month later I was surprised, but still hurt about how he ended things so abrubtly. So when a mth later he said he wanted to talk to me, I decided to hear him out FIRST... and THEN tell him how he'd made me feel. He explained why he ended things (it had ALOT to do w my ties to my ex-bf before him)... and hearing his explanation helped ease alot of the pain & resentment I'd felt. I then told him how it made ME feel... and he listened. And it felt GOOD to finally be 'heard'. And internally, I forgave him for the hurt he caused me because I understood how it came about.

 

Now we did NOT get back together that very same day... or week, or even month! But that was the beginning of us trying to 'work things out' as we both felt there was still alot potential. Hashing everything out - EARLY ON - allowed me to move forward & work things out WITHOUT holding onto any resentment. And that's what I think you should do, instead of trying to play games and punish him when he asks you out again by NOT giving him a straight forward answer.

 

Tell him how he has made you feel NOW ... and do not renew the rel'ship until you have TRULY forgiven him. I know you want to make him jump hoops to get to you - but he already has started to by coming forward & acknowledging his wrongs. You can't make him jump hoops forever.

 

Hope this helps!

 

K.

[Guest]

Thanks so much for giving me your advice. It really helped, but I really was not trying to "punish" him by telling him when he asks me back out. He knows exactly how I feel because I told him the day he broke up with me. I told him how much he hurt me and how I felt and that is part of what made him come to a realization. I did this in a very mature way as well. I didn't pull a fit or cry in front of him or anything of that sort. I simply told him that "I understand if you cannot handle things right now. I am hurting right now and have been hurting, but I do not hate you at all (he had said to me "I understand if you hate me"). I love you very much and I am willing to be patient for our relationship." I am just really confused and worried right now. I am just on edge all the time. I also don't know when or what he is going to say to me and I had been planning to hear him out first, before I even said a word. I am just so lost and confused! I really don't know how to approach the situation. I have never had this happen to me. I don't want to punish him, I just want him to really make the changes he wants to make for our relationship and I want things to be better and stronger the second time around. Thanks again.