Dont know how to deal with overbearing mother

[Guest]

Hi i just found this site and felt the need to post. I am 20 years old (turning 21 at the end of the year) and i just about had it with my mother. I am going to school to become a physician assistant and can not work b/c of my school hours so i am completely reliant on my mom for support. We have a great relationship as long as its just the two of us and im home. Once im out of the house she calls constantly. If she cant get in touch with me she calls my friends (whose numbers she got by searching through my cell phone and any papers she can find). Recently i started doing rotations at a doctors office and she called 5 times and then showed up and asked if i could come home yet b/c she thought it was getting late (it was 4:30) This is getting ridiculous. she isn't just driving me crazy now she is also jeopardizing my future career opportunities (to which she doesn't approve of). so i basically don't know what to do. When friends call me she yells in the background so they can hear her. She follows me around when im on the phone so she can hear my conversations. She starts crying whenever i go anywhere with friends. If i go out to eat with friends or my boyfriend she makes me go out to eat with her the next day!! Everyone is telling me to move out but i have no way of supporting myself until i graduate school and get a job. Is there anything that i can do to deal with her without having a nervous breakdown??

[Guest]

Wow my boyfriends mom is the same way too. It's scarey. Like I really don't know if I have a future with him (even though I want to and we talk about it) but she is just as bad. She is always calling me looking for him and checks up on me too, like I'm her daughter. Haha. Well since you are still young and in school, your only opition is to stay at home untill you graduate. It will be hard. But try your best to not let her come in between your career. Try to talk to her. (Like my B/f's mom she never ever listens. Everything goes in one ear out the other. She is so weird and annoying. Like I love her but she needs to get a life of her own. ) How many more years do you have left? Hopefully not much. And did you ever think about living with friends? or a dorm? I know what you are going through and its so annoying and drives you crazy. Let me know how everything works out for you. Bye <33

[norajane]

Sounds like your mom is pretty lonely, and might also have some fears that something bad might happen to you if you're not within her sight. And maybe she fears you'll 'forget' about her or you won't 'need' her once you're working and independent. It's a bit much, though, and she should definitely not be coming to your job and telling you to come home, nor should she be harassing your friends to find out where you are.

 

The only thing you can do is talk to her and try to figure out how to make her feel more comfortable with your growing independence. Reassure her that you love her, love spending time with her, though you have new responsibilities and you know she can respect that since she's been so good about being responsible for you.

 

Maybe you can arrange for a specific time each day when you can call her and reassure her that you're ok. Let her know your schedule, and tell her when it isn't ok for her to call you, and when she can call. Plan ahead and schedule specific times when you will spend time together...like, every Tues and Thur, you'll have DVD and popcorn night together, and brunch on Sundays. It will give her something to look forward to and plan around.

 

Also, if you can encourage her to get involved with something that interests her so she can meet some friends, that might take the pressure off you as her only social outlet. And suggest she get a pet? A pet might give her something else to focus on, and pets love all the attention they can get. (I know it sounds silly, but my parents resisted getting a cat for years, and now that they're empty nesters, the kitty they did eventually adopt is really giving them a lot of joy).

 

Good luck!

[ConfusedGal]

Hi,

 

Well, you are only 21 so you are still young... I am 27 and married. I got married when I was 23 and had SUCH issues with my mom after marriage cause she didnt want to let go... And SHE is not on her own! My Dad is there too... She got upset when I told her I may not always talk to her 5 times a day anymore because I was married and my focus was different. She freaked...Got depressed. Put the guilt trips one. Whined. Cried. Blamed my husband... So basically, start taking care of it NOW... Start slowly cutting the cord, cause honestly, it doesnt get much better if you dont... She is very dependant on you. Try to encourage her into other activities, friends, etc....

[Buttaflyy]

Mom needs to cut the cord! Even though you rely on her for support she is taking it waaay too far. Have you talked to her about it? Coming to your job is very extreme! She has to allow you to make your own decisions or else you may suffer from never becoming totally independent. Are you not able to work part time because of the hours? I mean, if she thinks 4:30 is too late for you to be leaving work, what might she say if you worked later than that?

 

I agree with the other posters here. Mom does sound pretty lonely, but this is really dangerous for you as you go through your own metamorphasis from her little girl to a woman. You have to have a serious talk with her.

[geniehoudinifee]

When I was a baby my father died and this made my mum very

overprotective, at 8 she wouldnt even let me ride a bike without

stablelizers- extra wheels.

through out my life,i tried to be as free as I could,I was spirited

and I fought with her for my freedom, basically she didnt trust

God to look after me, although she was supose to be a big believer

in him.

When i was 17 i dated a wild boy and went a bit wild, because of

the suffocation,the smothering and the over protectiveness/

he was my first boyfriend and it became an abusive relationship

so I was going through trauma afterwards this made me not so

spirited and more timid and vunerable to outside influence includingf

my mother- she used this to disable me further and to take control

of me and my life in a bad way, after years of her screaming and her

own issues and problems i just wanted some peace, so I kept the peace and was self sacrificing, whole dreams and my whole of my youth just passed me buy,boyfriends,could have beens, courses,

she didnt like me having friends,or even seeing other members of my family and to top it all off,I got into a relationship more closer with a cousin a parent with a child boy who she over protects and instead of treating me like an equal or an adult,she had me as a young child herself and did the same sort of bullying and things my mother did, so i left that relationship for my own christian faith and sanity and though I still had this relationship with my mum I call smother as a nickname instead of mother,I grew to hate her and her interferance,her invalidating and her bullying and then we had this huge argument and she told me,she had seen my emerging woman hood as a threat and my youth and shed been jelous of my courage, my strength, my faith,my personality,my get up and go and my looks she said she hadnt been as goodlooking as I was, the thing is she did have freedom and freedom to marry and have a kid,me and to work without losing jobs because of her ringing up and turning up at the jobs I was at and have a career and wear mini skirts and all the 60s and 70s things people could do.Well we worked it out and it

looked like she was letting go,I got better friends than my cousin and I got lots of dates and felt real hope and finally felt I was over my trauma and fears, which she contributed towards, the fears,its like she didnt belive I could look after myself which is offensive and that she doubted me instead of belived in me shed throw the trauma up in my face and when I was down,shed kick me when i was down

so everything was doing great,untill my mum fount out she had cancer - you see I supported her became her nurse/angel and then she took it abit too much for granted,untill I collapsed with adrenalin exhaustion,I am 33 by the way......and then she started it all over again, the bullying, the unkind hurtful words, the invalidation cycle started again, arguments-i had to walk away from and shut myself in the room and just ignore her and she started overworking and ignoring me again or going online and ignoring me, after moaning about me not spending time with her or loving her and often when she hurt me badly shed go out and buy me a gift, which gets on my nerves, because its buying me off, and making her feel less guilty, so now she uses her illness too manipualte me,i know shes seriously ill,but now she over acts her illness and she has me where she wants me with guilt and bad control and I am 33 lonerly sometimes I felt like killing myself to get away from her,if i cant manage to do it other ways and the job I have soon,will be part time and the money i got for writing my first book i spent it,

and it dont pay enough for to live in a house-let alone a flat and here i am would love to be with someone special deep down and not be such a commitment phobic scared of being suffocated and smothered and controlled by some man,like mum has done and I feel broody and my time is running out for kids, but how can I do all thease things,if my mum is taking over my life,I do love my mum, but apart of me hates her for all shes stolen from me,hates that part of me that let it get stolen and was weak and soft hearted, stupid my heart foolish, do you want to be like me at 33????? with years stolen and a huge ammount of regrets!

[ConfusedGal]

Genie!! You sound just like me!!! Read some of my posts... Difference is I am married...Sometimes I also think the best thing is to either just run away or kill myself! Its horrible. Moms like that just paralyze you...

[ktx]

I just stumbled upon this site. I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one with an overbearing mother issue..only it's not my mother, it's my boyfriends mother. It feels like I'm dating both of them and I think I might loose my mind.

 

He's 24 and she is still all over his life....all over it. and all over us. I have repeatedly expressed my frustration and have put my foot down several times...but how much can you say or do that won't ruin my relationship with her or him.

 

I am really close to letting him go after 2 years of dealing with her intrusive ways. He is a mama's boy and gets offended when I get fed up, and she is in her 50's so I'm sure she isn't about to change. I would hate to end this over her, but I really don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life! Help!!!! Please!

[Guest]

n9esrs, i am 22 and currently live with my mother.... i am trying to move and go to to school also.................. i tried to move out of state last monthhad a job and everything.......... and a hour before my flight left, my mom went into an emotional tirade, and screamed at me for three hours about how I dosd'nt love her, and I care more about my friends then I do her, and if I left I could just find a another mother. and how she has sacrifce so much for me, and the nerve of me to leave .......... and finally I said ....why can't you ever be happy for me....... and she cussed me out until my friends lefdt for florida without me and now I am stuck here with my mother..... who checks my phones, reads my diary and screams whenever i mention any of my friends...

i am saving some money up... and getting out of here