A sudden change

[Stephen P]

My girlfriend and I have been together now for 2 1/2 years. We have had troubles in that time but love each other greatly. I adore her, and have told her informally that I would like to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

We are both fairly young, and since we have been together have lived a more quiet life than when we met each other. We were both a little bit off the rails, but upon meeting we did great things for each other and got our lives together and found real happiness.

 

For a long time we were both pub people, that is where we would go for a night out, or perhaps see some live music. I hate clubs, and so did she. I really just can't stand being in them, and as my hearing has certain problems I'm not going to go to one and have it totally wreaked.

 

About six weeks ago my girlfriend suddenly changed. She went clubbing for a friends birthday and caught the bug. Since then she has been out clubbing about 3 times a week into the late hours. I totally trust her, but at the same time I worry about what men do to her in clubs as she is so beautiful.

 

It feels funny, because the times that I don't work is on the weekend, and now for the most part she is out then. I do see her, but she is often utterly knackered that we can't do all that much. I feel she that at those times she would rather be out, and is with me because of a feeling of guilt, rather than that she finds me great fun anymore.

 

She is still lovely, I still love her and I do trust her, although I do occasionally get small bursts of jealousy as I don't know who she is with. I just feel that I'm being sidelined in her life. It has been such a short time and she is young, so I feel that it might just be a stage in life, but I feel kind of pushed out.

 

I also have to confess I don't really like the friends she goes out with. They to me seem quite one dimensional and dull, none of them seem to have any life outside of their working or drinking habits. Also as she has a couple of gay friends(and I'm not homophobic or anything) she goes to a fair few gay bars and stuff where the behaviour can be quite flamboyant.

 

I have talked to her about it and she has said that she doesn't want me to feel left out and that she loves me, and that it is only a few nights of the week and stuff. I guess the thing is that it is every weekend which is the time I'd rather spend with her.

 

I've even considered, and this is me being honest, go away somewhere for a few weeks and seeing if she really missed me. I think it could be healthy to have a gap like that in our relationship.

 

I feel what I feel, so I'm not going to feel guilty about that, but I'm not sure if this is normal or not or if I should be worried.

 

Thank you so much for any replies I have been worrying about this stuff so much!

[VonDutch]

Hi there!

 

Ive read your post and I do seem to find some simularities to my own life (except Im a girl and the one clubbing is my boyfriend). I know how you feel about your spouse going to clubs without you, you want to let them have their fun, but at the same time there is this small voice inside saying: what if... what if... I have not yet found the solution to blocking this voice! Id say to you: join your girlfriend once in a while at the clubs, so you can see for yourself how everything goes there. But, you have stated you can not/ wil not do that. In that case, Id just stick it out, its very likely this is a phase she is going through, as you said youre both young, etc. Do tell her it upsets you that it influences your time together as she is hung over etc. If for example, you always meet on weekends, you could ask her to go clubbing during the week, and be with you on weekends, and try to compromise.

Im not much of a help, I just felt the need to reply, as I am in the same situation (although I DO like clubbing) I go along with my boyfriend sometimes, and we have mucho fun, but I also understand he needs his nights out with his guys, so on those nights I try to keep myself busy (meeting friends, doing things etc). Maybe that could help you block the idea's of your girl in a club!

 

Good Luck

 

VD

[michmash81]

I should reply to this cause I'm like your girlfriend in my relationship. I do not go out to bars or clubbing I hang out w/ a friend either at my house or her house or out and about doing whatever. We normally did it twice a week one night on the weekdays and one night on the weekend not to interfere w/my hubby. My hubby would get so pissed off and angry and sometimes still does. You have a to give a little. Not a lot though don't let yourself be walked on at all. She has to understand that you want time w/her too and you feel like she is spending too much time out. You have to be honest. Maybe the time apart is what you need. Maybe it will open her eyes. I don't know for sure. But you could try it. It will work out. Sit down w/her and tell her what days you guys can go out and what days she can go out w/her friends and on those days you go out w/yours.

[Hitman10000]

The advice from the ladies... is shaky, not sure if it's something you should read deep into compared to a man's advice.

 

The thing is when a girl all of a sudden changes her routines from chilling at home and loitering to a party girl, something is UP. What I know from my experience and other's experiences is that when someone changes their entire routine all of a sudden it means they are disinterested (or growing disinterested) and something has caught their fancy whether it is a new guy or they just new friends. In whatever case, it's bad news.

 

Again, the ladies advice is nice and sympathizing but really don't reach the root of the problem or even offering some insight to your frustration. You sense when she see's you she's doing it because of guilt or... "going through the motions" ? Your gut is telling you something is wrong, and your gut wants to find out and made you post your very post to determine what's going on. I'm sorry to tell you this, but your girl's interest is barely passing..50-60% and you're on the way to dumpsville. You contemplate about just disappearing for weeks and seeing if she's going to call you up eh? Dude, if you got to resort to that tactic it means your relationship isn't as "lovey" dovey as you make it sound initially in your post. You can do what you want, but I'm willing to bet if you were to disappear right off the bat let's say starting next week, you will get a couple calls here and there but no real effort on her part to get together. Or you can just dump her right off and see how she reacts, if she acts neutral, well buddy looks like you got your answer! if she acts defensive and surprised/angry (probably not gonna happen) then she's into you.

[Stephen P]

Thanks for the replies people.

 

Hitman, I probably didn't give enough information. It's quite hard to do so on the internet. With the information that I provided what you said makes sense, but it isn't really like that.

 

Part of it is me being needy, and I know that. She has a right to go out a couple of times a week with her friends, anyone has that I believe. The reason for her great change in behaviour I think is two reasons:

 

1) She basically didn't go out with anyone except me for about a year, because of severe social anxiety. She got over that, and now I think that she letting out all the repressed party fever.

 

2) She adores dancing, and has done for her whole life. She also hasn't danced for about two years and now wants to get that all out her system. She even said to me that she doesn't need to go to clubs, she would happily do salsa dancing. Something that I would be willing to do.

 

Von and Mich, I think you are both right and thank you for replying. She is so open about everything that happens, and tells me if any men do try anything. I did find out that someone I know tried to seduce her, but she let him know where to stick it.

 

She is so faithful and loyal, and I know that. This weekend, knowing that I was feeling a bit left out she spent the whole of friday night with me (and we had a great time), and the spent the whole of saturday with me too.

 

Thanks for the advice people, thanks for taking the time