For Those Men With Ex-Wifes ~ Or STBXW

[Gunny376]

For your consideration ~

 

I don't know if the "shoe" fits your particular circumstances ~ but I found it to be an interesting read.

 

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_300/330_relationship_expert.html

[uksurfer]

I don't know if the "shoe" fits your particular circumstances

 

I think I'd like to find out whether my shoe fits my wife's backside, to be honest.

 

Anyone else read this part in that article: "Remember, guys: Make sure she’s deeply in love with you when you marry her."

 

I'm sure my wife said to me "I'm deeply in love with you and want you to marry me", just before we decided to get married.

 

Hmmm. Even when they say the things you're supposed to believe, you still really shouldn't believe them.

 

Still, an interesting read, though, and it's definitely the way to be.

[dgiirl]

You know, that's such a cope out. My exh said the same thing. He never wanted to get married, but was afraid what everyone would think. Excuse me? I dont quite understand how anyone would get married unless they wanted too. Sure, maybe your feelings change over time, but dont be a damn martyr, dont tell me that you only got married because you were desperate. I'm not chopped liver for someone to marry out of desperation. What kind of favour are you doing ANYone by getting married to someone you dont love. I dont believe that for a second!

 

My exh did mention a term he learned in therapy, cognitive dissonance. Basically, fog speak. I know I was emotionally unstable, and i can only imagine our ex's must have been too, even tho they wouldnt admit it. They're messed in the head and came up with all these lies they told themselves. They NEED to believe these things so that they could leave. It's total BS. Dont believe everything they say. Yes, we're not perfect and some of the problems are our own issues, but not everything is about us. Sometimes they're just messed in the head.

[uksurfer]

They're messed in the head and came up with all these lies they told themselves. They NEED to believe these things so that they could leave.

 

You know, I'm still wavering between thinking that she's messed in the head, or that she's just plain selfish, shallow, and nasty.

 

Or maybe they're the same thing.

 

See, tonight, she tells me that throughout the 6 1/2 years, she's never been 100% sure of 'us'. Arrrgh!! THEN WHY LEAVE ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO MOVE HALFWAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO LIVE WITH ME? WHY TELL ME THAT I'M "THE ONE"? WHY TELL ME THAT "THIS MUST BE WHAT 'IT' FEELS LIKE"? WHY HAVE 2 KIDS WITH ME? WHY PUSH FOR US TO GET MARRIED? WHY CALL ME EVERY DAY AND TELL ME YOU LOVE ME? WHY PLAN SUCH A GREAT FUTURE WITH ME?

 

Sorry, ranting again.

[Gunny376]

The old self esteem kicksk back in ~ once you've cleared you'r head of all of "their" BS, and you come to the realization ~ life is too freaking short to spend it miserable ~ and I'm a good person that deserves better than all of this. I'm a good person ~ with a lot of love to give to the right person.

 

Personally speaking for myself ~ however my tolerance for BS ~ games of any type has growned to be almost nill. My attitude anymore ~ is you get one shot at this ~ make sure you get it right the first time ~ because their won't be any second chances at me. I'm straight up front with who I am and what I'm about. No hidden agendas, no false presenatations, no pretenances ~ just straigh up me ~ with no apolgies for who and what I am ~ and I try to be a "stand-up" kind of guy ~ who lives by the Marine Corps creed of "keeping my honor clean" and my integrity intact. I try to be more than fair ~ but I won't be walked upon by anyone. I won't be laid a hand upon, cheated, nor dis-respected by anyone. I don't do these things to other people ~ I won't stand and tolerate it being done to me.

 

I won't be used and abused ~ nor will I be a "meal-ticket" to some woman that is too sorry, or lazy to get off of their dead ass and work for a living. If I've got to work ~ everyone that is abled bodied, and of age that lives in my house is going to have a job of some kind ~ contributing to being part of the answer and solution ~ not part of the question and problem. I and most men I know don't have the opition of getting a free ride in life ~ I don't see why some women should get one, either.

 

So, in the end, I guess you could say the XW has made me a stronger and better person. But, I will tell any woman up front ~ this is me! This is who and what I am ~ I don't play that game. I expect you to be up front and for real too. No surprises! If she's got any ~ I need to know up front! Including any un-filled sexual fantasies involving group sex with circius clowns and dancing bears! Or, whatever.

[Mz. Pixie]

No surprises! If she's got any ~ I need to know up front! Including any un-filled sexual fantasies involving group sex with circius clowns and dancing bears! Or, whatever.

 

:lmao:

 

That's hilarious.

 

My husband and I were just talking about being supportive of your spouse and he said, "Honey, I'll support ANYTHING you want to do- anything that is except for group sex with a bunch of people or sex with another man"

[iron_m]

One year a go my wife had a look change (for better), she has turned hot as she has never been in the last 15 years (dating+marriage). She started to spend a lot of time on line.

 

When my wife said that she wanted to divorce (3 week ago) she didn't mentioned her "virtual friend" (with which is planning to "start a new life" now).

 

She said that she was not in love any more... then she said actually I think that I never was in love, and I don't know why I marry you... I was so young. I want to meet other men, do other things... (every day she comes up with a new reason)

 

after that she admitted she was moving to her friend's country.

 

now the other part:

I am in a roller coaster of emotions. One day sad, another day angry and so on...

 

BUT the last two days I started feeling different: I started thinking of all the good things I'll do when she is gone. I have even urged her to fill and if at all possible to move out of the house until the divorce is final and she can emmigrate (LOOOONG TIME to be together!).

 

I've start planning to do things with my daugther (my wife is planning to leave the country alone and asked me to stay with the kid), I've started to think about a new opportunity to change... only 2 days! and I am feeling much better.

 

and guess what?

the wife is all of the sudden not happy any more, she cries and she is angry!

can you believe that? I cant!

 

 

reading the note really made me smile!

 

thanks!

[Gunny376]

I am in a roller coaster of emotions. One day sad, another day angry and so on...thanks!

 

You reach a point on the "roller coaster" to where you don't know wheather you're going to die crying ~ or die laughing that she's leaving you ~ ironic ~ but true.

 

People come in all shapes and forms ~ both male and female. I think that there's a lot about just being a woman ~ that we as men just don't get. There's a lot to be said for all the attention women get for natural beauty and being naturally attracitve. I've meet all kinds ~ the ones that actually beilieve that they were born with everything that they need to get through life with ~ just because they were born women. I've meet one woman ~ who I've known all my life ~ who on a scale of 1-10 would be a 10+the nth degree. She and I use to work together when I was a teen ~ she use to give me rides ~ and I've always was in awe of her beauty. Years later ~ we got on the conversation about her natural beauty ~ and Brenda told me ~ "Middle age and wrinkles were a blessing in disguise ~ now I don't get as much un-wanted attention!"

 

I'd be willing to beat next month's retirement check from the Marine Corps ~ that the reason your STBXW ~ is up-set is because she doesn't preceive that she's rocking your world ~ and breaking your heart. I've read that some women rate their attractivness by how many men they can get to fall in love with them ~ and break their hearts ~ albiet immature behavior ~ pathologicial.

 

From your post ~ I would say its just more of the same old song ~ second verse ~ its all about her ~ its all about "Me! Me!, Me!"

 

It also sounds like the STBXW ~ has been reading too many romance novels and watching too many "I Can't Believe Its Not Butter" TV commercials.

 

Un-questionably a disporportionate number of women love drama (and I've witnessed it at its worse ~ first hand) and escapism way too much. And, get lost in it!

 

Most well balanced, rational, women I know would NEVER leave thier child ~ let alone a daughter, to go to another country ~ with some Yahoo they only chatted with over the internet.

 

In the end ~ its like Hank Williams Jr. said ~ "This ain't Dallas ~ I ain't J.R. and you ain't Sue Ellen ~ now turn off the damn tv, and lets go to bed ~ I've got to go to work tomorrow!"

[iron_m]

You reach a point on the "roller coaster" to where you don't know wheather you're going to die crying ~ or die laughing that she's leaving you ~ ironic ~ but true.

 

Gunny: I always enjoy reading your comments! you have such a peculiar way to write and usually hit it right in between the eyes

 

People come in all shapes and forms ~ both male and female. I think that there's a lot about just being a woman ~ that we as men just don't get. There's a lot to be said for all the attention women get for natural beauty and being naturally attracitve. I've meet all kinds ~ the ones that actually beilieve that they were born with everything that they need to get through life with ~ just because they were born women. I've meet one woman ~ who I've known all my life ~ who on a scale of 1-10 would be a 10+the nth degree. She and I use to work together when I was a teen ~ she use to give me rides ~ and I've always was in awe of her beauty. Years later ~ we got on the conversation about her natural beauty ~ and Brenda told me ~ "Middle age and wrinkles were a blessing in disguise ~ now I don't get as much un-wanted attention!"

 

I'd be willing to beat next month's retirement check from the Marine Corps ~ that the reason your STBXW ~ is up-set is because she doesn't preceive that she's rocking your world ~ and breaking your heart. I've read that some women rate their attractivness by how many men they can get to fall in love with them ~ and break their hearts ~ albiet immature behavior ~ pathologicial.

 

oh! the worst part is that she's been considered herself the uggly duck for the most of her life, but a year from now she started getting a lot of attention and now she realizes that "she could have done better". (one of the reasons she has claimed). Also I have always tell her how beautiful she is, that I like her alot, bla, bla, bla. Last year, when she started changing her look I reasured her that she has always been beautiful, but with the new look she is even more... But she ussually minimized my opinion saying "what else could you say?"

fool me?

 

From your post ~ I would say its just more of the same old song ~ second verse ~ its all about her ~ its all about "Me! Me!, Me!"

I guess it is. And it has been like that for a while, just I didn't see it.

 

 

It also sounds like the STBXW ~ has been reading too many romance novels and watching too many "I Can't Believe Its Not Butter" TV commercials.

 

Un-questionably a disporportionate number of women love drama (and I've witnessed it at its worse ~ first hand) and escapism way too much. And, get lost in it!

 

 

well... that's fact... she loves romance novel... does that has anything to do??? hahahaha

 

O man, it was all in front of my eyes and I didn't see it comming?

I feel like such a fool. Or would be better word "nerd" (I am a grad student, good marks, promisory career, and still got fooled in this way...)

 

Most well balanced, rational, women I know would NEVER leave thier child ~ let alone a daughter, to go to another country ~ with some Yahoo they only chatted with over the internet.

 

In the end ~ its like Hank Williams Jr. said ~ "This ain't Dallas ~ I ain't J.R. and you ain't Sue Ellen ~ now turn off the damn tv, and lets go to bed ~ I've got to go to work tomorrow!"

 

Oh man! you make me laugh in the middle of all of this hahaha!

 

Seriously, this is another thing that has me shocked: she has been the most caring (to the point of being overly posesive sometimes) mother that I have seen... till about 10 month ago. Our daughter is very attached to her. But over the last year I had to step in, cover a lot of thing because the mother spent very little time at home and when at home she would be over the msn.

 

The line of reasoning of STBXW about leaving the kid with me is:

1) the kid will be better with you (more stable home, no (more) changes of country, etc). True, good that she is seing it.

2) I will start a new life: new carreer (start again her PhD) and new relationship. And I don't want any interferences. (I would never imagine that she could talk that way... but OK, at least she is sincere)

3) As soon as I am done, I'll be able to bring the girl with me ("repeat please... me not speak english very good")

 

I am saying OK, OK. But I am avoiding to talk about 3) because there it is when her selfishes is taking an incredible proportion... and I can't even think of the thing. So let's agree in with what we agree and then, we'll see...

 

OK, gunny: thanks for your insight!

[Gunny376]

2) I will start a new life: new carreer (start again her PhD) and new relationship. And I don't want any interferences. (I would never imagine that she could talk that way... but OK, at least she is sincere)

3) As soon as I am done, I'll be able to bring the girl with me ("repeat please... me not speak english very good")

 

I am saying OK, OK. But I am avoiding to talk about 3) because there it is when her selfishes is taking an incredible proportion... and I can't even think of the thing. So let's agree in with what we agree and then, we'll see...

 

Not NO, but HELL NO!

Let me see if I can wrap this concept around my size M4PBrain Housing Group?

 

1. She wants to divorce you?

 

2. She want to run off on some fairy tale BS Cinderella "True Love" romance with some SOB from another country that she's never seen face to face that she's been having sweet intimatate conversations with over MSN into the wee~hours of the night?

 

3. Once, "she settled" she want "HER" daughter?

 

I don't have a PhD (except perhaps for a whole lot of life credit ~ experiences) and I was born at night ~ but I wasn't born last night.

 

If she's lucky she won't end up being a sex slave for Alibaba and his forty thieves in Turkestan or somewhere? I've been overseas, a lot! I've lived overseas! I know the difference between what you see on TV ~ and what I've seen with my own "lying eyes!"

 

There's NO freaking way I would allow her or any woman to take my child away from me to go down this merry road~~~! No freaking way! Not without a mop, a bucket, and a preacher ~ which you would need after the killing ~ that is to say ~ OVER MY DEAD BODY!

[tonyp56]

My STBXW and I are still going through a little rough patch, but, the other day she was doing her normal it is all your fault speech, when I told her, "i am sorry for the past, but there is nothing I can do to take any of it back, the only thing I can do is make up for my mistakes in the future." Here comes the funny part, she turned to her side so that she wasn't facing me nor was she facing away from me and looked like a child when she kind of stomped her feet, made a fist with both hands and said "I am sorry for everything too!" Finally, after more or less 9 months, she said she was sorry, sorry for leaving, sorry for cheating, sorry for letting that jerk move in, etc...

 

She keeps telling me how happy she is, but every time something doesn't go her way, she starts in on how everything is--not was, but is--my fault. If she is so happy then why does she still blame me? Doesn't happiness make one stop thinking about bad times? Truth is, she isn't happy, perhaps sorry she left me for someone else, perhaps she finally realizes that she was wrong. The only way she can make herself feel better is to blame me. I have my kids every weekend, beyond that, I never talk to her, I don't see her, nothing. She gets to do what she wants and go where she wants, I have nothing to do with her or her life, so why am I to blame? I feel that she knows she made a mistake, and now she knows it is too late to go back. She can't admit it, that telling me things like "I never was attracted to you, we just had sex because I was 'horny', I just didn't want to be alone" is her way of justifying her actions.

 

When I am around her when she is by herself, she is open, friendly, relaxed, etc. but if he is around--her new man--she is more uptight, less relaxed, etc... Most of the time I get a feeling she wants to say something, but she never does. I leave her alone, and I am around her 15-30 minutes a week. The rest of the time she lives her life the way she wants. I don't ask her where she was or anything. Yet, every chance she gets, she tells me how horrible I was, and even blames me for her problems now.

 

Recently she quit her job making over $12 an hour, and now makes $7.25 an hour. She even blamed me for that. I didn't tell her to quit!

[Gunny376]

But, I just told her:

 

"NO! NO! NO! Darling, you've done signed away any and all "bitchin" rights you have to me ~ I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!":mad:

[Gunny376]

 

Recently she quit her job making over $12 an hour, and now makes $7.25 an hour. She even blamed me for that. I didn't tell her to quit!

 

She doesn't think things through too much, huh?

 

Being retired military ~ I wasn't exposed nor gave too much thought to this phenomenon ~ until I got back out here in civilian la~la land!

 

I seen people (both men and women) quit a $12 hour job ~ and go work for half that just because "I don't 'LIKE" my job!"

 

What the Hell? What's 'like" got to do with it? Especially when you've got family, children, responsiblities, obligations.

 

I may NOT like my job? But, I've grown pretty fond of eating on a regular basis, not having to sleep in a hollow log, drink muddy water, and eat roadkill!

[tonyp56]

You know, that's such a cope out. My exh said the same thing. He never wanted to get married, but was afraid what everyone would think. Excuse me? I dont quite understand how anyone would get married unless they wanted too. Sure, maybe your feelings change over time, but dont be a damn martyr, dont tell me that you only got married because you were desperate. I'm not chopped liver for someone to marry out of desperation. What kind of favour are you doing ANYone by getting married to someone you dont love. I dont believe that for a second!

 

My exh did mention a term he learned in therapy, cognitive dissonance. Basically, fog speak. I know I was emotionally unstable, and i can only imagine our ex's must have been too, even tho they wouldnt admit it. They're messed in the head and came up with all these lies they told themselves. They NEED to believe these things so that they could leave. It's total BS. Dont believe everything they say. Yes, we're not perfect and some of the problems are our own issues, but not everything is about us. Sometimes they're just messed in the head.

 

I agree with you, men and women both are equally able to hurt their spouse.

The thing is, men in the last 20 or so years have been taught that they need to be involved in their children's lives, be more emotional, and be "family men" and so when the wife leaves them, and hurts them, men are left with emotions that to be honest with you we simply are not equipped to deal with. (look up suicide rates between women and men after a divorce) So men become more vocal and we get stuff like this. Geared towards men, but in actuality, would be true for women or men in the same situation.

 

The idea that women or men are any better than the other is false. We both can equally love and hate, we both can hurt, and we both can heal. Men though, from my own experience especially, are expected to be emotional, but at the same time we are expected to be tough and just dust ourselves off. In my case, I can't, it has taken me a long time to get where I am, and I've got a long ways to go before I am 100% over my ex--if I ever get there. There have been days that I've planned my death, days were I felt like crawling into a hole somewhere and hiding, and days were I have realized how blessed I am. It isn't an up and down thing, it is a roller-coaster thing. But your right, it isn't something that effects men only, the same thing happens to women all the time. In many ways, women have dealt with this way longer than men, but like I said, men aren't use to dealing with this so that is why you see things like this.

[Gunny376]

Don't listen to country music~!!! Listening to that sh*t is just enough to send you over the edge!

[Gunny376]

In my case, I can't, it has taken me a long time to get where I am, and I've got a long ways to go before I am 100% over my ex--if I ever get there. There have been days that I've planned my death, days were I felt like crawling into a hole somewhere and hiding, and days were I have realized how blessed I am. It isn't an up and down thing, it is a roller-coaster thing. But your right, it isn't something that effects men only, the same thing happens to women all the time. In many ways, women have dealt with this way longer than men, but like I said, men aren't use to dealing with this so that is why you see things like this.

 

It'll bring you down to your knees ~ that's for damn sure and certain!!! And, it sure ain't no joke!

 

But, for real ~ most men think they're men ~ once they done and accomplished certain things in life. But, the truth of the matter is? You're not a MAN until you've successfully had some women rip your heart out of your chest, throw it on the ground, and stomp on it! You survive that? You a man! It don't just hurt, it huuuurrrrrtttts! And it seems as though its NEVER going to go away (IT MOST DEFINATELY DOES ~ there is most definately life after divorce)

 

When first starting out with it, and going through it ~ you're like ~ all at the same time!!! But in the end ~ you come out ~