Husbands internet relationships

[Guest1]

Hi, hope some of you can offer some advice.......

 

My husband is in the Army and went away for 6 mths. Shortly after going away he started chatting to people on the internet, both men and women but friendships were established with the women. He has told me that he started this through boredom - he was sat infront of a computer for 12 hrs a day with no work colleagues to chat to regularly at any length. He says he was bored and didn't see that chatting to people on the internet was any different to chatting to people had he shared an office. We stayed in contact and as far as I can tell we were normal and loving (he has been away a lot in the past - nothing like this has happened before).

 

He chatted to three women on a regular basis about every day life and says there was no sexual content at all. However, he experimented with writing smutty stories (3 stories which I found on a disk on his return). He says the chat room he was using had a lot of people being reprimanded for being too smutty/explicit and discussed this with the women. Conversation came around that he couldn't understand why men would talk to women like that because dirty stories are in men mags and that women don't like that sort of thing. He got the reply that some women do like it, it depends how it's been written - he replied he'd written one after reading similar stuff that he thought was crap and so had a go himself as he thought he could do better!!!

One said to send it so they could have a read! She said it was ok. He then told the other two that he'd done it and asked them their opinion as to whether it was wrong to do that sort of thing. They said it depended, so he asked if he could send it to them and not be offended so they could judge. One said it was boring, the other said it was good but not her sort of thing and the conversations with her after that got awkward so didn't chat so often. He wrote another one and send it to the one who said it was boring to see if it was any better! She told him it was rubbish too.

 

Then he started chatting to someone else entirely and explained what he'd done. She wanted to see them but he couldn't find them so wrote another one. She found it exciting and told him she'd done stuff to herself whilst reading it. That scared him and he gradually broke off contact with her.

 

He had a conversation at work with a colleague who was surfing dating websites and who told him he had sent graphic photos of himself to women on the net.

 

Husband decided to take naked photos of himself. He found it quite exciting whilst taking them but also embarrassing. He told the woman he'd been chatting to (who he'd sent the smut to first and had said it was ok and who he had the best friendship with) that he'd taken naked photos of himself. He asked if he could send the photos and sent them. He then apologised profusely and asked her to delete them. They never spoke about them again apart from her telling him not to worry about it.

 

He then found the conversations with her boring/too mundane and stopped chatting on a regular basis.

 

All the chatting stopped. He then came back home for good 5 weeks later.

 

He says he didn't do it for sexual gratification, can't explain the photos and is really embarrassed and ashamed of them. He felt I'd have been totally appalled if he'd sent the smut and photos to me.

 

I see his behaviour as totally out of character - prior to this we both told our friends that our marriage was great and that we really love each other and how annoying it is that a lot of people aren't truly happy in their relationships like we were. He was under a lot of stress at work too, and we have been under a lot as a family for about 3 years because of the army commitments.

 

I don't know whether to believe that his actions aren't a reflection on our marriage. I don't believe him when he says he just did it because he was bored and after chatting to his colleague the photos were a bit of a dare to himself to see how he would feel doing that sort of thing. I can understand the chatting initially was to relieve the boredom, but feel he crossed the line when he sent the smut and that it then became personal to our marriage and how he feels about me. He says he doesn't understand his actions himself, but he is trying to come up with answers to help us both understand where to go from here. We are beginning marriage guidance.

 

Please, I know it's been a long post, I appreciate you taking the time to read it and any advice would be greatly received.

 

Thank you.

 

PS - I know it all sounds like a joke - but this is our life and future - we have two children too. By the way - he helped me write this plea for help so I know I've got series of events correct.

[SoleMate]

I do think it is quite possible, and even plausible, for someone to be led into this sort of thing just starting from day-to-day boredom. It's a slippery slope, and there are plenty of "players" to coax you further down. I do not think it is NECESSARILY a reflection on your marriage. You will find much better evidence of his feelings about you and your marriage, in how effectively he picks up the pieces from this mess.

 

I also feel that he slid way too far down that slope. Now that both of you understand the dynamics of the slope, the burden should be on him to develop powerful strategies that will prevent him EVER having this temptation again. You get final say over whether the plan is acceptable, and how well he is carrying it out. For example, the plan could include:

 

* No more Internet chatting with females, PERIOD

* Find a non-sexual site for use when boredom strikes during the day (e.g. Wikipedia)

* Full disclosure of his computer activity to you on a daily basis

* Him writing hot stories or taking sexy pictures to be shared only with YOU

* More "couples" time for you, at almost ANY price (i.e. borrow money at 15% interest to hire babysitters and take time off at a hotel)

* Longer term, consider changes in his career activities to reduce stress and give you more couple time

 

If he works hard at and does a great job on the above (with your full emotional and practical support), then I would advise you to set your mind at rest. Also, please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley about how to keep your relationship feeling so good for both of you that you'll want to stay in it for all the right reasons.

[silktricks]

OK, here's my opinion. He definitely crossed the line - in fact he jumped way the hell OVER the line.

 

But, if you love each other, and it sounds like you do, then I would recommend a couple of things:

 

For the husband. Stay off the Internet chat rooms - totally.

Show your wife that you love her. Talk to her about stuff that is important to you. Tell her how important she is to you. Let her SEE how important she is to you. Tell her the truth ALWAYS. If she asks you questions that are embarassing, answer them anyway.

 

For the wife. Don't figure that a little Internet chatting is a deal breaker. Her f*cked up, but has also come clean with you. He didn't need to, and that speaks volumes.

If you get scared about something, TELL HIM.

If you start to feel insecure about his love, talk to him about how you are feeling.

Show him that you love him, AND that you trust him (as soon as possible)

 

For both of you: get yourselves to a marriage counselor pronto. This isn't a great big deal in the range of the world, but it rocked your foundations. You need to talk things out with an impartial arbitrator.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

(By the way, also try to do something about being bored other than the Internet, it just eats up time.)

[Guest1]

Thank you both so much for your replies. You've offered some practical advice and given us a direction to move forward. We are seeking marriage guidance, but unfortunately because he's in the army he'll probably go away again at some stage so I'll have to learn to trust him.

 

Thank you once again, your advice really means a lot.