Need an end

[2BStrong]

They may sound kind of cliche, but this is a long one and I will try to keep it short.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over year. After our sixth month anniversary, he said he needed a break to think. The break was a little over a week, without any communication between us, which was hard to deal with because we spent practically everyday together prior to the break. After the break, he acted as if nothing was wrong and stated he wanted this to work out between us. But not giving any reason for the break in the first place. Ever since this (mid-April) it has been very slowly going. Sometimes I feel as if we aren't moving forward at all. He keeps his feelings to himself, I mean all his feelings. I don't have any idea how he feels about anything. He attributes this to wanting things not to go wrong and that our relationship is like a roller coaster. I have a hard time understanding that since a. we don't talk about any thing on a personal level, maybe every once in awhile when I can't take the "silence" anymore and b. we have never, ever been in a fight, at all. We get along magnificantly and we learn from each other. But here are the kickers, which have been putting mean through Hell..I have never, ever met any of his friends, he has three significant events coming up, all of which he plans attending by himself and he doesn't take me out socially. Maybe once a month we go to a sports bar to watch an event, but that is all. I have expressed to him my unhappiness and his reaction is to hug me, but no words of comfort or anything. I am so terribly heartbroken because I can't forsee this working out unless he changes. I don't want to get confrontational or make an ultimatum, I think if he cares, he will try to make a difference, I know I am trying, I have made some mistakes and try everyday to learn from them and move on. I am bending over backwards not to push him and let things go at his pace, but, after all this time, I feel we have gone way backwards and not forward. This is not of great importance but he is out of town, a lot, during the winter season due to an obligation to a job affiliated with sports, which have caused problems with previous girlfriends, demanding his time, but I don't I wish him well, and say "See you later" with a smile because I understand how much he enjoys it.

 

To wrap it up, the first six months, he was quite opposite, always verbally expressing his feelings, taking me out all the time and even talking about marrying me, and now, I don't even get so much as "You look nice".

 

If you can give me input, any input, it would be great. BTW, we are both 28.

 

Thank you

[darcy38]

With out a doubt when he returns you must sit down and have a heart to heart with him. It's like the saying goes what's wrong with this picture!!! Well there is something wrong here and the only way you are going to find out and resolve this is by openly talking about this situation. If he is not willing to open thing up and start talking i know your relationship will continue to slide. Be calm but direct and please find out what going on here. Best wishes

[Raven]

actions speak louder than words. God knows I have had my own problems and may not be the best one to give out advice, but how he acts is going to determine how things are going to progress. Why doesnt he introduce you to his friends? Have you asked? I find that after a year, that is pretty strange. His lack of "interest" would also be a concern for me if I were you. Remember, you are a beautiful person who deserves someone who is going to feel ecstatic about being with you, isnt that what love is all about? Definetly talk to him about it, it is obviously important enough to you or you wouldnt be here! But keep in mind to keep one had on your heart and one on your head when having this discussion, and good luck! I hope it works out........

 

Raven

They may sound kind of cliche, but this is a long one and I will try to keep it short. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over year. After our sixth month anniversary, he said he needed a break to think. The break was a little over a week, without any communication between us, which was hard to deal with because we spent practically everyday together prior to the break. After the break, he acted as if nothing was wrong and stated he wanted this to work out between us. But not giving any reason for the break in the first place. Ever since this (mid-April) it has been very slowly going. Sometimes I feel as if we aren't moving forward at all. He keeps his feelings to himself, I mean all his feelings. I don't have any idea how he feels about anything. He attributes this to wanting things not to go wrong and that our relationship is like a roller coaster. I have a hard time understanding that since a. we don't talk about any thing on a personal level, maybe every once in awhile when I can't take the "silence" anymore and b. we have never, ever been in a fight, at all. We get along magnificantly and we learn from each other. But here are the kickers, which have been putting mean through Hell..I have never, ever met any of his friends, he has three significant events coming up, all of which he plans attending by himself and he doesn't take me out socially. Maybe once a month we go to a sports bar to watch an event, but that is all. I have expressed to him my unhappiness and his reaction is to hug me, but no words of comfort or anything. I am so terribly heartbroken because I can't forsee this working out unless he changes. I don't want to get confrontational or make an ultimatum, I think if he cares, he will try to make a difference, I know I am trying, I have made some mistakes and try everyday to learn from them and move on. I am bending over backwards not to push him and let things go at his pace, but, after all this time, I feel we have gone way backwards and not forward. This is not of great importance but he is out of town, a lot, during the winter season due to an obligation to a job affiliated with sports, which have caused problems with previous girlfriends, demanding his time, but I don't I wish him well, and say "See you later" with a smile because I understand how much he enjoys it. To wrap it up, the first six months, he was quite opposite, always verbally expressing his feelings, taking me out all the time and even talking about marrying me, and now, I don't even get so much as "You look nice". If you can give me input, any input, it would be great. BTW, we are both 28. Thank you

[2BStrong]

I have had a "talk" with him recently and expressed my feelings and his lack of and he said he isn't as sure about us as I am but he is sure he wants to try to make it work. As for the friends issue, I have mentioned this, about 4 months ago, and he said he didn't know why I haven't met his friends, circumstances weren't there for me to meet them, which I don't believe. I asked if they knew about me and that I was his girlfriend and he said that the did indeed know about me. Now, I have met his parents, but that was at the beginning of our relationship, when he was different, and I haven't seen them since. I don't think a heart to heart will work because I have told him about my issues with the relationship. I believe he doesn't have any other alterer motives other than he isn't sure what he wants, my problem is, how much longer should I wait.

 

Thanks again for the advice you have given.

[Ed]

It seems to me you have thought this through pretty well.

 

He has backed off considerably. Only he knows why. It could be for any multitude of reasons, from there's somebody else to he's afraid of commitment. Despite what he says, he is not treating like he wants things to work out.

 

If he is not willing to take you out in public, as his girlfriend, then he is truly doing you and your relationship a disservice. So what do you do together when you are together? Stay at his place or your place? Other than going out to a sports bar once a month, do you go anywhere else? Movies? Out to eat? How does he introduce you when you do run into someone he knows? Do you invite him or take him to events with your friends or family?

 

Apparently you care a lot for this guy. You have to decide how much rope to give him, but don't give him enough to hang you with! He may just be too chicken to break up with you. He may feel like he would be blameless if you broke up with him, even though he is essentially starving you out. That may have been his MO for some time - shut off all emotions and make THEM leave. This is all speculation on my part.

 

There is a big difference between a confrontation or ultimatum and just plain telling someone you are not happy and things are not working to your satisfaction. You have already made up your mind that this is not working and you are not happy with the current state of affairs. Give him as much time as you want, but I don't things are going to change much unless you do something about it.

 

If things don't change to your liking, you will either have to:

 

a) tell him this is not working for you, with or without an ultimatum, and see how he responds or

 

b) tell him it's over, without giving him anymore time.

 

I have the feeling you have put off doing either one because you are pretty sure what the outcome is going to be. I'm sorry things are not going the way you want them to, but, in this case, since he is not going to, you are the only one that can see to it that you are treated with respect and consideration. I hope things get better for you soon.

[2BStrong]

We basically hang out at my place, where we just sit around and talk. He comes over twice during the week and sometimes I see him one day on the weekend. He calls me sometimes on nights we don't see each other and somedays he will email all day and somedays I won't hear a thing from him. We don't go anywhere in public to where we have ran into his friends, but he does come to my games(soccer) and has met my friends several times and if one of them has a get together, he goes.

 

The thought about him wanting me to break up and leave him with no guilt has crossed my mind, but in that talk I had I said I didn't want to date anymore and he kept saying that he wants it to work and kept hugging and kissing me. The next day, I told him I was serious about this not working and he just said he understood but he still wanted it to work. Huh?

 

I have lost respect for myself due to this because I thought I was stronger. I think he has it in him to make it work but just doesn't or can't make it work.

 

Thanks again for listening to me vent

[darcy38]

It is so odd you have not met his friends!!! Try again and try to see if maybe he will open up. Well if you can'nt make any head way by talking to him about how you feel then i think you should sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself. your not happy right now and it sounds like you are becoming less contented, I don't want to see you two split up but if something does'nt change that fait will be inevidable. Maybe try professional marriage counelling.

 

best wishes Darcy

[Raven]

for yourself, this is obviously his problem and not yours, remember you can lead a horse to water but cant make him drink. I too have battled with the feelings of "what did I do wrong", but the answer is I did NOTHING wrong and neither did you.

 

Also, people are creatures of habit, and it is common to stick to what you are familiar with, but ask yourself, is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? Granted, all relationships have problems, but overall they are supposed to enhance the people involved, not inhibit them!

 

I think there is probably someone out there who is more deserving of your affections, you seem like an intelligent woman, you'll figure out whats best for you. )

We basically hang out at my place, where we just sit around and talk. He comes over twice during the week and sometimes I see him one day on the weekend. He calls me sometimes on nights we don't see each other and somedays he will email all day and somedays I won't hear a thing from him. We don't go anywhere in public to where we have ran into his friends, but he does come to my games(soccer) and has met my friends several times and if one of them has a get together, he goes. The thought about him wanting me to break up and leave him with no guilt has crossed my mind, but in that talk I had I said I didn't want to date anymore and he kept saying that he wants it to work and kept hugging and kissing me. The next day, I told him I was serious about this not working and he just said he understood but he still wanted it to work. Huh? I have lost respect for myself due to this because I thought I was stronger. I think he has it in him to make it work but just doesn't or can't make it work. Thanks again for listening to me vent

[Ed]

Ok, well, you have pretty much already tried "a". I think he is trying to maintain a perception of singleness on his side of the world and one of togetherness on your side. He may be having trouble with commitment or he may be using you. If he is not making you a part of his social life, then he doesn't want this to go any further right now or at least he doesn't want anyone on his side of the world to think so.

 

I think you better start practicing on kicking in another direction. If you are deeply in love with him you may not be able to do this, but I think you should entertain the idea of making yourself available to other men. You don't have to stop dating him altogether, but you need some relief! If continuing to date him would prevent you from dating others or being open to the possibility of happiness with someone else, then stop seeing him, at least until you reach that point. Whatever you do, please don't lead any other guys on until you are sure he is history.

 

You've talked to him about it, now it's time for you to do something about it! Start kicking...his butt toward your door!

[Me2]

I'm going through a similar situation with my boyfriend/ex, except that it's been a long distance relationship for 2 yrs. He hasn't told his parents or friends about me and never shares anything about his life with me. He tells me he loves me, I'm his greatest love, and he wants to marry me, but he never shows me through his actions. I've tried talking to him so many times about it and we've broken up on numerous occasions, but it never changes. I'm the one who's been trying really, really hard to make it work, and he always made it seem like it was in my head. I would bend over backwards and finally I've realized, it's not me, it's him. He doesn't love me as much as he'd like to make me believe and whenever I tell him I'm hurting, he turns it around and tries to make it my fault. He told me, I'm destroying the relationship because of my insecurities. I finally got tired of crying all the time and realized that I'm his good-for-now girl in his eyes. He's biding time with me, but he doesn't look at me as "THE ONE". Not every guy you date will look at you as "THE ONE", even if you think they are. When a guy looks at a girl as "THE ONE", he treats her like gold and shares more with her than anybody, even if he's the type of guy you doesn't share much.

 

It sounds like you have a similar situation. Not to upset you but he may be biding time with you until someone else comes along. Make sure he's not cheating on you, because I just found out mine is (with his ex-girlfriend), if she even was ever an ex.

 

Just don't make the mistake I did and stay in a dead-end, going nowhere relationship. Life is too short. I've finally ended things for good with mine, and I know there will be someone else out there who will give me what I want. You just need to be strong and realize that you deserve better than what this guy is giving you. The best thing to do would be to give him your ultimatum and if he loves you, he'll meet it. If he doesn't, then you have no choice but to accept it.

 

I gave mine an ultimatum and he never even attempted to meet any of it - in other words, he all I needed to know through his actions and didn't have to say a word. If this ends up being the case with you, then I suggest you end it too, walk away, and never talk to him again. It's best if you walk away and don't look back. That's what I've decided to do and eventually you will get over it and be able to move on. There are other guys out there who will look and treat you the way you want, it sometimes just takes time.