separation on the high seas

[DebinDenver]

My shrink says I have the best stories - that in her 40 year counseling career she has never heard anything quite like this. So, here it is - any advise is greatly appreciated.

 

My husband of 4 years (almost - our anniversary is July 3rd) decided to pack his suitcase and take off for a 6 month sailing adventure with a buddy. Even though we had talked about the possibility of this trip, I didn't know it was going to happen right now. When I came back from a trip last month (I was taking care of my sick brother), I found a signed & notarized separation agreement, in which he gives me, via quit claim, the house, the cabin (both with 2nd liens in his name only!), the contents of the house and cabin, the dog (which was his before we got married), and $45 k in cashiers checks to cover his part of the bills for awhile. He also gave me a 3 page explanation of his decision in a letter. Said he was depressed over our 2 misscarriges, thought that I would never want to take a trip like that, and he had this opportunity and so he took it. Said he had made too many "commitments" (ouch) to back out of this trip at this point, and even though he might regret it, and was having 2nd thoughts, but he had to go.

 

He has been gone for 3 weeks. He did not tell me where he was going - I figured it out. He is not specific on when he is returning (other than later in the year - the CD "I'll Be Home for Christmas" was in the CD player!). We communicate over email. But since he is on out on the Pacific somewhere, he has not emailed in 2 weeks.

 

Over email he tells me that the legal separation is for financial reasons, that he plans to default on some of his bills that are in his name only. He wants to protect me from his creditors. He said he will make payments on his bills for several months to give me time to get the separation filed. But, what he didn't know was that first a petiton needs to be filed, which requires his signature - hard to do that on a boat in the middle of the ocean! Reluctantly, I did email him the petition for him to sign & notarize (to comply with his wishes).

 

I had a lawyer review the separation agreement - he said it was very protective of me, yet he also said that there is no real need to get a legal separation if only for financial reasons. I am already protected by state law on the credit card charges, as long as they are not for family use. Also, even with a legal separation, the bank might still try to tack on the cabin 2nd lien onto the house 2nd lien (if the cabin forecloses - both 2nd liens are in my husbands name only and both are with the same bank). My husband and I kept separate finances, so I don't know what he used the money for - probaby to pay the monthly expenses. His income goes up and down with the markets. For the past 2 years he has made less than me, which I'm sure has led to some of his depression.

 

I am scrambling to get a renter in the cabin and I put it on the market to sell. We don't expect it will sell @ a break even price because of the 2nd. So, either I keep a renter in the cabin or I sell the house and probably move into the cabin myself (the monthly bills would be reasonable). Both the cabin and the house payments total about $4 k per month - I don't bring home that much. Up until now, he has paid for the cabin and he has paid the 2nd lien on the house. I didn't even know what a 2nd lien was until a week ago!

 

I am trying to reconcile with my husband, and he has said that he is sorry several times over email (he is sorry that I married a neurotic SOB). But all of this makes my head spin. AND he mentioned a few months ago that he thought he might be bipolar (it's hereditary). His sister was and she killed herself. So, I am greatly concerned about his health and safety. I have emailed him PDFs of his insurance cards, that he did not take with him.

 

I tell him about my sessions with the marriage counselor, thinking that might help a wee bit. I feel like most of this is my fault for not actively listening when he was telling me earlier in the year about this potential overseas sailboat trip, but we were doing fertility treatments and I'm 44, so I had other priorities.

 

I also feel like it's my fault for not knowing how to react when he told me that he thought he was bipolar. He doesn't like going to doctor's, especially not the mental kind. But, I have explained to him over email, that it is just a disease, like any other, that it's treatable.

 

Thanks for reading. Any advise is greatly appreciated.

 

Deb

[Gunny376]

There's a lot of things that are going on with this guy.

 

MLC is part of it ~ although ~ the sailing thing IS and ISN'T part of it (its a paradox). Its MLC in that ~ "If I'm ever going to do it ~ now is the time" Its not MLC in that it sounds like part of a lifelong dream.

 

One thing it certainly is one Hell of a mess! Especially for you!

 

As though you needed me or a counselor to post that!

 

Sounds as though he was thinking about the mess that he was leaving you in, and it sounds to me that he loves you.

 

What I'm about to say applies more to the men ~ than it does the women ~ but when you find "true love" don't screw it up!!!!!!!

 

A lot of the problem with my saying that ~ is that women are (as a general rule) more in-tuned with their own personal feelings and emotions than men are ~ indeed most men are sociallly, and culturally conditioned ~ trained NOT to be in-tuned with their emotions and feelings. If I had a nickle for everytime ~ as a man I was told to "suck it up" ~ "walk it off" ~ "deal with it!" etc ~ Mr. Bill Gates wouldn't have anything on me when it comes to money!

 

That's part of the "Men are from Mars, and Women Are From Venus" definition of it. Trouble is ~ men are human too. Not just women.

 

A lot of this comes from about 5,000 years ago. There was a time when men and women were co-equals ~ emotionally in the day to day. All that changed because of warfare. Because of that ~ men had to go out with other men ~ and fight ~ with men who were often more than not kinfolk ~ their brothers, their cousins, their uncles, their fathers. They couldn't falther, at the lost of one of them ~ because if they did ~ they lost the battle, if they lost the battle they lost the war ~ if they lost the war ~ they lost their wives, thier children who were sold off into domestic, sexual slavery. All was lost. Not just their lives~! There was more at stake than just their freedom ! (From "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex ~ and Women Don't Get Enough Love"

 

There's too much ground to cover here in one post.

 

So keep posting!

 

Gunny

[DebinDenver]

Thank you for your input Gunny. Yes, I think it's a MLC that he's going through. Yes, he said he loves me several times in his letter and on his last voice mail. Unfortunately, I responded in a panic that this is not how you treat someone that you love, not realizing that the depression was playing a big role in his decisions. I since apoligized several times. Since then, his emails says that he cares for me, of course I responded that I cared for him, as well. He also mentioned that he didn't want to screw up the financial protection that he had planned for me.

 

Thanks again for your response.

 

Deb

[SoleMate]

Yes, this IS unusual! I am very happy to hear that your lawyer found the agreement to be so much in your favor. That does mean that your husband is not motivated by malice, but is still caring for you in a practical way.

 

I think the major issue that stands out is his mental illness (or emotional problems, if one of you prefers that term). His family history and his own suspicions about himself are significant. IMO, it is essential that he receive evaluation and treatment. Your marriage doesn't have a chance without it, and he may be a danger to his own safety as well. I do not have any surefire ideas on how to get him to agree to this.

 

I also feel like it's my fault for not knowing how to react when he told me that he thought he was bipolar. He doesn't like going to doctor's, especially not the mental kind. But, I have explained to him over email, that it is just a disease, like any other, that it's treatable.

You did the best you could, so don't blame yourself. If he would like to talk to someone who has been treated for depression, have him post at LoveShack and I will respond. I have found the overall treatment to be a fantastic benefit to me, my life, and my loved ones.

 

Depression and bipolar disorder, left untreated, take a huge toll on relationships. I suggest reading The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. In your correspondence with him, you might ask him if he is troubled by this turmoil and the feelings he is having, and if he would like an opportunity to enjoy life without these painful episodes. If he says Yes, that may be the starting point for treatment.

[Gunny376]

Thank you for your input Gunny. Yes, I think it's a MLC that he's going through. Yes, he said he loves me several times in his letter and on his last voice mail. Unfortunately, I responded in a panic that this is not how you treat someone that you love, not realizing that the depression was playing a big role in his decisions. I since apoligized several times. Since then, his emails says that he cares for me, of course I responded that I cared for him, as well. He also mentioned that he didn't want to screw up the financial protection that he had planned for me.

 

Thanks again for your response.

 

Deb

 

This sounds similar to "Green Acres" ~ the comedy series from the 60's, where a successful New York lawyer, living in a penthouse suite on 5th Avenue ~ gives it all up ~ to go and take up farming.

 

If I were you ~ I wouldn't know which to do first ~ laugh at the absurdity of it all ~ or cry?

 

I agree with Soulmate (Good post ~ by the way) and believe that this is something that should be investigated further and in depth.

 

And, to me ~ all the more than what Soulmate posted ~ this smacks of PTS ~ Post Traumatic Stress Syndrone. You don't have to be a combat vet to suffer from it ~ just have gone through a lot of stress, and not having dealt with it at the time. Depression is a significant part of PTS ~ as is O/C behavior. So I would suggest looking into that as well.

[DebinDenver]

Thank you SoleMate - I will do that.

 

 

Yes, this IS unusual! I am very happy to hear that your lawyer found the agreement to be so much in your favor. That does mean that your husband is not motivated by malice, but is still caring for you in a practical way.

 

I think the major issue that stands out is his mental illness (or emotional problems, if one of you prefers that term). His family history and his own suspicions about himself are significant. IMO, it is essential that he receive evaluation and treatment. Your marriage doesn't have a chance without it, and he may be a danger to his own safety as well. I do not have any surefire ideas on how to get him to agree to this.

 

 

You did the best you could, so don't blame yourself. If he would like to talk to someone who has been treated for depression, have him post at LoveShack and I will respond. I have found the overall treatment to be a fantastic benefit to me, my life, and my loved ones.

 

Depression and bipolar disorder, left untreated, take a huge toll on relationships. I suggest reading The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. In your correspondence with him, you might ask him if he is troubled by this turmoil and the feelings he is having, and if he would like an opportunity to enjoy life without these painful episodes. If he says Yes, that may be the starting point for treatment.

[DebinDenver]

Green Acres - I never thought of that way, but I guess it's true. The cabin was built in 1926, but completely remodled last year. It's the only way I see of coming out of this financially sound & secure - to move into the cabin. It will be a culture shock @ first, but overall, I'm sure it will be a good experience for me.

 

Yes, I have done both: laughed @ the asdurdity of this quite often and cryed my eyes out just as often.

 

PTS - the marriage counseler mentioned this, as well. He has had lots of stressfull situations within the past few years: got beat up by burgerlers and left for dead (definately needed counseling, but opted out), has made a lot less money than usual, and suffered with me over 2 miscarriages. So, it's really no surprise that this might be PTS.

 

Thank you for your input!!

 

Deb

 

 

This sounds similar to "Green Acres" ~ the comedy series from the 60's, where a successful New York lawyer, living in a penthouse suite on 5th Avenue ~ gives it all up ~ to go and take up farming.

 

If I were you ~ I wouldn't know which to do first ~ laugh at the absurdity of it all ~ or cry?

 

I agree with Soulmate (Good post ~ by the way) and believe that this is something that should be investigated further and in depth.

 

And, to me ~ all the more than what Soulmate posted ~ this smacks of PTS ~ Post Traumatic Stress Syndrone. You don't have to be a combat vet to suffer from it ~ just have gone through a lot of stress, and not having dealt with it at the time. Depression is a significant part of PTS ~ as is O/C behavior. So I would suggest looking into that as well.

[Gunny376]

That you're upper middle class ~ financilly.

 

Which is a differnt ball game altoghther.

 

I've seen and wittnessed both sides ~ trust me ~ I fine where I'm at.

 

Some of the most miserable people I know ~ are what some people call are rich!

 

Its HELL to be rich, and be miserable!

 

Keep posting! This isn't about some "la~la" land!

 

Its about your emotions, feelings, wants, needs as a PERSON, and as a woman!

[DebinDenver]

Yes, I have felt better & happier when I have had less material things to worry about. That's part of the reason I would prefer to move into the cabin, just to have less house to clean & maintain and more free time. When I had a 1 bedroom apt, I felt really rich because I had just discovered the mtns of Colorado. Now I feel really poor even though I have a lot more things, but less time to enjoy life.

 

Deb

 

 

 

That you're upper middle class ~ financilly.

 

Which is a differnt ball game altoghther.

 

I've seen and wittnessed both sides ~ trust me ~ I fine where I'm at.

 

Some of the most miserable people I know ~ are what some people call are rich!

 

Its HELL to be rich, and be miserable!

 

Keep posting! This isn't about some "la~la" land!

 

Its about your emotions, feelings, wants, needs as a PERSON, and as a woman!