Divorce and depression d/t wife's affair

[p8riot7]

12 years of marriage, 2 sons under 5 y.o., a dream home, and then she has an affair??? 1st I noticed thongs she purchased, I have never seen her wear one. 2nd I found a text mssg. originating from a strange #. 3rd I found her secret sexually explicit e-mails to/from her lover.

-This in itself was upsetting, but then I found out more about the OM. Ex-con served 10 years for violent crime, numerous tattoos, body pierceings, smokes, drinks heavily, lives with his parents, and can't hold down a job.

-I've worked in surgery for 15 years, clean cut, no tattoos, no piercings, family man, take care of the home maint/lanscaping, do my share of taking care of the kids, don't drink, don't smoke. Other than these obvious differences, I found out she was dating him until he went to prison and within months met me. I'm really feeling like I was just her 2nd choice, but we built a LIFE together. I've been to counselling, but without the medications to get me to sleep I either DON'T sleep, or I have very active and disturbing dreams about her or a pleasant experience we had together. She was my life...and she gave me 2 gorgeous little boys. It is unsettling to me that one day she decides (without saying anything to me) that she doesn't want to be married anymore and wants to rekindle her old flame. Any ideas how I can get past the memories of the good? I guess I'm holding onto the sentiment of the woman I thought I was married to. That person just doesn't exist anymore. She'd rather wh_re around than to have lived the american dream. We had a 3000sq ft home on 2.8 acres out in the country, nice cars, nice neighbors, and what I incorrectly believed to be the perfect family.

[SoleMate]

She'd rather wh_re around than to have lived the american dream...I've worked in surgery for 15 years, clean cut, no tattoos, no piercings, family man, take care of the home maint/landscaping, do my share of taking care of the kids, don't drink, don't smoke...We had a 3000sq ft home on 2.8 acres out in the country, nice cars, nice neighbors...

Ummm...just a guess here...did you perhaps neglect her emotional needs? Did you forget to make sure that your marriage felt good to her? I am questioning your analysis that her major motivator was the desire to "whore

around". I think it is more likely she wanted forms of love that she was not getting in your marriage. Things more important (to her) than a neatly trimmed lawn or a tattoo-free husband. Her American dream may have included feeling emotional intimacy with her male companion. (Also, having 1 extramarital lover does not equate to "whoring around". She would have to have multiple partners for compensation for that phrase to apply.)

 

The above is not an easy idea for you to consider, I'm guessing. But I do suggest that you grapple with the root causes of your marriage failure, and try to dig deeper than "she wants to whore around".

 

Any ideas how I can get past the memories of the good?

This may be easier if you put the failure into context. You may not have been a helpless victim of incomprehensible behavior. Maybe you were - I just don't see enough info in your post to be sure. You may feel more in control if you really learn from the problems you experienced. Please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.

 

You have deeply felt emotional needs, to feel that your partner admires you, appreciates your hard work, takes good care of the kids and home, wants to be intimate with you. You know how great it felt to YOU when these things happened. And how bad it felt when they didn't happen. She had her own list of needs, and I am certain that lawn care and a prestigious living situation were not tops on her list.

[Sup]

12 years of marriage, 2 sons under 5 y.o., a dream home, and then she has an affair??? 1st I noticed thongs she purchased, I have never seen her wear one. 2nd I found a text mssg. originating from a strange #. 3rd I found her secret sexually explicit e-mails to/from her lover.

-This in itself was upsetting, but then I found out more about the OM. Ex-con served 10 years for violent crime, numerous tattoos, body pierceings, smokes, drinks heavily, lives with his parents, and can't hold down a job.

-I've worked in surgery for 15 years, clean cut, no tattoos, no piercings, family man, take care of the home maint/lanscaping, do my share of taking care of the kids, don't drink, don't smoke. Other than these obvious differences, I found out she was dating him until he went to prison and within months met me. I'm really feeling like I was just her 2nd choice, but we built a LIFE together. I've been to counselling, but without the medications to get me to sleep I either DON'T sleep, or I have very active and disturbing dreams about her or a pleasant experience we had together. She was my life...and she gave me 2 gorgeous little boys. It is unsettling to me that one day she decides (without saying anything to me) that she doesn't want to be married anymore and wants to rekindle her old flame. Any ideas how I can get past the memories of the good? I guess I'm holding onto the sentiment of the woman I thought I was married to. That person just doesn't exist anymore. She'd rather wh_re around than to have lived the american dream. We had a 3000sq ft home on 2.8 acres out in the country, nice cars, nice neighbors, and what I incorrectly believed to be the perfect family.

 

Sometimes you can do ALL the right things and STILL they will mess around on ya. I posted another thought after one of your posts.... If she ever wants to get back with you, I would tell her NO WAY "You messed up my whole life" kinda thing. There is someone else out there better for you.

[whichwayisup]

12 years of marriage, 2 sons under 5 y.o., a dream home, and then she has an affair??? 1st I noticed thongs she purchased, I have never seen her wear one. 2nd I found a text mssg. originating from a strange #. 3rd I found her secret sexually explicit e-mails to/from her lover.

-This in itself was upsetting, but then I found out more about the OM. Ex-con served 10 years for violent crime, numerous tattoos, body pierceings, smokes, drinks heavily, lives with his parents, and can't hold down a job.

-I've worked in surgery for 15 years, clean cut, no tattoos, no piercings, family man, take care of the home maint/lanscaping, do my share of taking care of the kids, don't drink, don't smoke. Other than these obvious differences, I found out she was dating him until he went to prison and within months met me. I'm really feeling like I was just her 2nd choice, but we built a LIFE together. I've been to counselling, but without the medications to get me to sleep I either DON'T sleep, or I have very active and disturbing dreams about her or a pleasant experience we had together. She was my life...and she gave me 2 gorgeous little boys. It is unsettling to me that one day she decides (without saying anything to me) that she doesn't want to be married anymore and wants to rekindle her old flame. Any ideas how I can get past the memories of the good? I guess I'm holding onto the sentiment of the woman I thought I was married to. That person just doesn't exist anymore. She'd rather wh_re around than to have lived the american dream. We had a 3000sq ft home on 2.8 acres out in the country, nice cars, nice neighbors, and what I incorrectly believed to be the perfect family.

 

Her loss, not yours. It's better to know now, as much as it hurts your heart, that she isn't the person you married - Or thought she was. I feel so bad for the kids because she's selfish and hasn't a clue what she has done and had to give up...One day, she'll regret it all, but right now and in the near future, she's only thinking of herself and those bad choices she's made.

 

You are right, that pain you're feeling is the loss of a marriage, a relationship and a life you got used to. It's not really HER...Yes, you love her, but she obviously has many issues and isn't who you thought she was. Sorry...I'm sure this is awful for you, but atleast now you have a chance, when you're ready, to find love again with someone who will love you.

 

If you're needing more help, don't be afraid to seek counselling.