Tina Posted November 5, 2001 Share Posted November 5, 2001 Yesterday morning he called! (The boyfriend(?) who wants to be friends for now and who decided last week to take a break for two weeks) I couldn't believe it because the last time we talked he acted as if he expected me to be the one to call (I'm there for you). He called me by my pet name and talked to me in a really soft and caring voice. I said, "Is this a dream?" and he told me it wasn't. He said he wanted to know how I was and I told him I was really busy right now working on a new project and had to go out (I didn't really have to go anywhere) "We'll talk later," he said, but I didn't call him up at all yesterday and don't want to call him back anymore unless he initiates the contact again because I'm too scared of getting myself back in the position of being the one who needs him. I really can't figure out what his motives are and I definitely DONT want to be back in the position where it seems like I am chasing him! What would you advise me to do? What do you think he is thinking now??? Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted November 6, 2001 Share Posted November 6, 2001 If he made contact your own his mind, and If he gets you back where he wants you, than your just gona go in cirlcles. Ive been through it over a year with someone I was friends with for a decade. If he has said that he doesnt want to be tied down, or have a relationship than leave him alone. My part-time boyfriend was in the middle of a divorce when we became intimate. I held his hand all through the divorce, even typed all the legal documents. I thought that if I could baby him, and be opened minded and not rush things with us that he would come around. The last conversation we had, he came to my place of work, closed my door and wanted to know if we could have sex later. Well I had to remind him of our last sexual encounter where I had just laid there and said "now cant you feel I dont want you". Since then I feel like I wouldnt enjoy sex with him until I felt he wanted my love, and not using my love. I have realized that when I think about him, and miss him, and feel like my body even needs him, I take the focus off whats important. Its not important to chase someone you want. Chase what you really want. Goals, dreams, not men. Men who just want to make jack asses out of us are not important. Forget them. Just look at men as who they really are, and go after something other than them. Yesterday morning he called! (The boyfriend(?) who wants to be friends for now and who decided last week to take a break for two weeks) I couldn't believe it because the last time we talked he acted as if he expected me to be the one to call (I'm there for you). He called me by my pet name and talked to me in a really soft and caring voice. I said, "Is this a dream?" and he told me it wasn't. He said he wanted to know how I was and I told him I was really busy right now working on a new project and had to go out (I didn't really have to go anywhere) "We'll talk later," he said, but I didn't call him up at all yesterday and don't want to call him back anymore unless he initiates the contact again because I'm too scared of getting myself back in the position of being the one who needs him. I really can't figure out what his motives are and I definitely DONT want to be back in the position where it seems like I am chasing him! What would you advise me to do? What do you think he is thinking now??? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted November 6, 2001 Share Posted November 6, 2001 I didn't call him up at all yesterday and don't want to call him back anymore unless he initiates the contact again because I'm too scared of getting myself back in the position of being the one who needs him. I really can't figure out what his motives are and I definitely DONT want to be back in the position where it seems like I am chasing him! What would you advise me to do? What do you think he is thinking now??? Who knows what he's thinking? You didn't take the opportunity to ask him. If he's dillying and you're dallying, neither of you are going to know where the other stands -- you'll just keep going in circles. I don't think you would at all look like you're "chasing" him by calling him up and asking him what's the deal, what he's doing. I can sympathize with how hurt & confused you feel, believe me. But rather than withdrawing into a shell of wounded pride and doubt, why not take that hurt & confusion and come back at him with "what's going on, buddy?" I don't know what he's thinking or trying to accomplish but he's definitely being ambiguous and cagey about whatever it is. Who knows why -- and at this point, who cares? The fact is he's doing it, and any reasonable person would want to know what's up with that. It might be tempting to play games with him in return, to keep him guessing just like he's keeping you guessing. But MY guess is that such an approach will ultimately leave you with the same unanswered questions, more confusion and a host of what-if's ("What if I'd just asked him straight up what he was about? What if it turns out that he really was feeling doubtful and insecure about himself as compared to me and I could have reassured him ...") Strong, reasonable, self-respecting people don't care to waste their time with someone who can't make up his mind whether he wants to be friends or lovers. If he can't give you some straight answers, demote him to non-lover status yourself ("friend" is optional and probably unlikely anyway), and find someone else. Don't let him turn your interaction into a marshy bog of indecision. He does not have to be the one calling the shots -- and since he's so indecisive at the moment, he shouldn't be. Good luck, really. I know what it's like being caught up with someone who can't figure himself out ... and that's why I'm advocating swift decisiveness. If he can't figure out what he wants, you certainly won't be able to. Link to post Share on other sites
tkgirl Posted November 6, 2001 Share Posted November 6, 2001 Right on sista! I totally agree with what you said. I, too have found myself in a similar situation..very recently actually! I really liked that last part "If he can't figure out what he wants, you certainly won't be able to". I think a lot of us "girls" do that...try to "figure guys out" and "help" them. I once heard somewhere how it is "easy to get lost with someone who is lost themselves". So Tina, please do talk to him, or rather confront him and find out what's up? And BE STRONG! I know you can do it! Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
The Girl Posted November 6, 2001 Share Posted November 6, 2001 O.k...I know my response is going to seem cold and blunt, but believe me it's not since I know exactly what your going through, since I have been through something similiar. 1.) Being friends after a relationship when you still have feelings and want to get back together never works. It is a way to cusion the blow and slowly back away from someone so their absence does not seem so extreme. 2.) He called yes. But not to discuss the relationship or with a decision. He may not be sure yet, but while he is making up his mind, he is giving you enough contact to keep you thinking about him and wondering. This drags out the hurt longer if ultimatly his decision is not you. 3.) My opinion is that you should not be "friends" with him, since it is clear you feel more. Contact with him will draw this out longer, make it impossible to move on, and could potentialy be painful. You need to confront him, and say that you do not want contact with him unless he has reached a definite decision. This way you will not have to "wonder" what he is thinking, making it painful for you. The results and his decision will be the same whether you have contact with him or not while he is making up his mind. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
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