JadeStar Posted June 10, 2006 Share Posted June 10, 2006 I have a question and even though its not about me, but my inlaws, its just something I can't seem to understand. My inlaws have been married over 50 years, and I remember my mother in law telling me before a long time ago, that her husband (father inlaw) that he cheated on her on numerous occasions during their marriage. Of course they are still together because she chose to stay. They are now it their 70's and to her knowledge he doesn't do that anymore. However she said there were a few occasssions where he was caught in the act by her. I remember her telling me one time she caught him and his mistress in a public park kissing and hugging all over each other. She approached them both while kissing. She began hitting the other woman with her purse, and the woman ran off. She was furious and asked her husband, "What do you think you are doing?" his answer, 'I'm not doing anything, why you want to hit someone like that?" WTF? Anyway the man has never ever confessed to anything he has ever done as far as cheating. Its as if it never happened. That was just one occassion she told me about, but she has actauly told me he has been caught in the act by her other times, and even a friend of hers caught him and a mistress before. Here it is 50 some years later, and that man to this day denies he ever did anything. Can someone explain to me why? He was caught for crying outloud! Not once but several times. I'm sure its denial, the fact he doesn't want to own up to anything etc. Maybe he is whacked, I dunno. Not long ago they were having a conversation about something and she brought up something about,"Well had you not been running around on me , " he said to her, "I never ran around on you, you're crazy." Hello, yes he did. Even my husbands sister who is 50, has told me before she saw her dad with another woman when she was growing up. I just can't understand why he still will not confess when he was caught. If you have been cheated on, or have cheated can you explain to me why someone that was caught wont own up to it? Jade Link to post Share on other sites
theantibarbie23 Posted June 10, 2006 Share Posted June 10, 2006 Perhaps in his mind if he denies it even to himself, then he can pretend he is the person he wants to see himself as. Some people can not face looking in the mirror and see themselves as they truely are. No one wants to feel bad about themselves. For example, I knew a girl that started working as an escort. When one of her other old friends found out what she was doing, she called her a whore. Well, this "escort" had a fit screaming, "I am NOT a whore just because I sleep with guys for money! How dare you call me that!" Well, obviously she *IS* a whore. That this the definition of a whore, a person who sleeps with men for money.... but she won't believe it about herself because she doesn't want to face what she really is. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2006 Share Posted June 10, 2006 I agree, in his mind, he's denied it. Or made himself believe he did nothing wrong. He probably has written it off as nothing and not a big deal. An ego feed and back then she stayed with him, even though she caught him redhanded which re-confirmed his actions and he never suffered any consquences. It's sad. Her feelings never were taken into account, back then and even now, because he denies it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 10, 2006 Share Posted June 10, 2006 My inlaws have been married over 50 years, and I remember my mother in law telling me before a long time ago, that her husband (father inlaw) that he cheated on her on numerous occasions during their marriage. Of course they are still together because she chose to stay. They are now it their 70's... ...he doesn't want to own up to anything etc. This post came at the perfect time for me. I meet with my "husband" and my pastor tomorrow afternoon to inform my soon to be EX "husband" that I am divorcing him and will file for a protective order the following morning. This is SO AMAZINGLY hard to do -- even though he has cheated on me multiple times. The one thing I keep thinking is, how awful it would be to grow old with someone like that. And your post was like a kick in the butt -- to stick by my guns and take my life back from this loser. Love or no love -- I'm kicking him to the curb and starting life all over again. Whenever I used to think of my old age with him I would get a little pop-up in my mind of me on my death bed while he hides around the corner diddling my hospice nurse. Nope. Not THIS little red hen. Thank you SO much for this reminder of why I have to do what I'm doing. HUGS Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted June 10, 2006 Author Share Posted June 10, 2006 I agree with you both. It was just something I could never understand. I mean if she never really had reason to think other wise or he was never caught and she asscused him, I could see where his words would come from, as far as denying it, but because he was caught, it would just seem he would confess and then move on from there. she stayed with him anyway. I feel kind of bad for her but then again I don't. She chose to stay and 50 years later it still bothers her and she has even said she sometimes regretted staying. I asked her before just out of curiousty why she stayed and she said for the kids sake. I'm glad I have been able to be here for her as far as her being able to talk to someone. It was basically swept under the rug for along time and she didn't talk to friends or family about it. Maybe back then it was something women chose to turn the other cheek on, not sure. She has told me in the past she has gone to counselors for herself over the issue, and how to handle things. She does still get depressed over it from time to time. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted June 10, 2006 Share Posted June 10, 2006 Maybe he is still playing mind games with her. My soon to be xH does this to me often, like he's trying to make me think i'm crazy. I can say something, knowing damn well what i just said, and he will immediately twist my words around and tell me i just said the opposite of what i really just said. When i tell him that's not even close to what i said, he will tell me that i DID just say that, and that i don't even know what i'm saying......WTF! I'm not even a little bit close to being crazy, and this drives me wild because he wants me to think i am. I also had a friend who lied so often, she would believe her own lies! I could be there with her when an incident happened, and she was so good at lying, that i almost believed the lie myself, even though i know what actually happened. Made me sick. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted June 10, 2006 Share Posted June 10, 2006 If your accused of something and you simply deny it forever (even if caught) you never really have to face up to it. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Maybe he is still playing mind games with her. My soon to be xH does this to me often, like he's trying to make me think i'm crazy. I can say something, knowing damn well what i just said, and he will immediately twist my words around and tell me i just said the opposite of what i really just said. Hmmm --- sounds like my 1st H. He would tell me that things I saw and touched didn't exist, that they were all in my mind and I must be possessed by demons. Made me burn any of my books that weren't religious. All the while running around on me with other women. Ran into him like 15 years after divorcing him and he still claimed that he was never unfaithful - even though some of the other women told me about it themselves, and he lived with one of them for a month - sure, he was faithful. Some people just HAVE to lie. Their made-up stories always cast them in a wonderful, exciting light - whereas the truth is just the truth. Sometimes it's exciting, sometimes dull as ditch water. Link to post Share on other sites
most Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 This is not your business...happend before you were around. The best you could do is just listen to your MIL, but don't dredge up past. Whats wrong with you, have you no life of your own? Link to post Share on other sites
EndoftheRope Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 This is not your business...happend before you were around. The best you could do is just listen to your MIL, but don't dredge up past. Whats wrong with you, have you no life of your own? I didn't get the impression JadeStar was doing anything other than what you suggested: just offering an ear to her MIL. It sounds as if the MIL, not JS, is talking about the past, which obviously still hurts (or maybe the fact that the husband is so dismissive of her feelings in this and other ways is what really hurts). It seems to me JadeStar is just trying to figure out for herself how people can still lie even after being caught red-handed. I'm sure there are LOTS of people on this board who would like to know that, and personally, being in a similar position, this thread is helpful to me in reaffirming that I am NOT crazy, but that some people really WILL lie, lie, and lie some more. I bet there are plenty of others who feel a sense of relief reading this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 This is not your business...happend before you were around. The best you could do is just listen to your MIL, but don't dredge up past. Whats wrong with you, have you no life of your own? I don't think the OP was dredging up the past, nor was she implying it was her business. It was a question just like any other. Also if her mother inlaw has been talking with her about it, then her mother inlaw made it her business when she began to talk with her. its good to have others to talk to about things. Your comment was out of line. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 It seems to me JadeStar is just trying to figure out for herself how people can still lie even after being caught red-handed. Thanks EOTR, thats all it was, just trying to understand. Yes my mother in law was the one that came to me and started talking to me about it first. After 50 years of marraige and her choosing to stay I can't really tell her what she needs to do or not do, but I can at least offer her an ear to listen. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
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