Parent and relative problem

[Guest]

Hello everyone

 

I hope someone out there might be able to help.

For the past 8 months I have had zero contact with my parents.

 

I have always suspected there were relationship problems, although I had no real evidence to prove it and was not in a position to take any action until now. Last year I recieved an invitation to a cousins wedding, the invitation was for one person only. This was most unusual so I phoned up these relatives to ask if my girlfriend could come to, the response was no. After much thought I cancelled going. I later explained the situation to my parents who said it was my fault and should appologise to the relatives.

 

I decided not to contact them on Christmas day as I did not wish for a repeat of the previous Christmas when my mother was most evasive on the phone. Predictably they tried to contact me 3 weeks later, when I did not reply they left messages like "a problem shared is a problem solved", i do NOT have any problems.

 

Whilst growing up as a middle child I was constantly hit by my father most often on a friday, until the age of 14 when I retaliated back. The hitting stopped immediately. Thereafter I believe this led to rejection, threats to leave the house, zero interest in my future career. One period I remember most vividly is when after successfully completing my degree, I was unable to use the phone to call potential employers, more threats to leave to the house, and been made to sleep on a fold out bed in the front room.

 

Right now I have my own property and a secure job, and most capable of making my own decisions. The question is, is this the right decision ?

 

Yours faithfully

 

David

[amaysngrace]

I'm confused What is your question exactly? Is it wrong they didn't let you invite a guest or is it wrong to not speak to your parents or is it wrong you grew up in a dysfunctional family?? I don't really get what your dilemma is...

[davidgoorney]

Thankyou for the reply Amaysngrace.

Maybe I am a little confused or just plain pedantic.

 

1. If a person is invited to an engagment or wedding of a relative, is it common practice that on the received invitation 'you and a friend/guest are invited' ?

2. Is it wrong that when one phones these relatives to ask if a friend can come, the answer is 'no' ?

 

As it happens I do not have much resentment, as I am not close to these relatives.

 

The main question is, does it help to purposely spend time away from a mother and father, as time can heal problems ?

 

Yours faithfully

David

[norajane]

1. An invitation can be to you or to you and guest - it's up to the one inviting to make the choice. They are not obligated to invite you and guest. The only time it's common to invite you and guest is if they know you have an steady SO or spouse. Other times, they may be limiting the size of the wedding because it's so expensive.

 

2. No, you shouldn't get upset if you call to ask if you can bring a guest and they say no. See #1 above.

 

3. Spending time away from your family can help your feelings die down a bit so you can deal more rationally with them later. Keep the lines of communication open, though. One day when you are stronger, you may find that you've forgiven some parts of your past, understand other parts better, and have risen above it enough to want more contact with them.

[Tim'sAngel]

Wow that must be tough. 8 months is a long time to have no communication with your family, unless of course there wasn't much to begin with.

 

I don't know the etiquate of weddings as I've never had one, but when my mother sent her invetations, I helped her write them out and we would just put the name of the person we were sending it to on the envelope. Inisde is a little form you fill out and send back asking if you are coming how many are coming with you. I'm sure there are different kinds or words, but that is how hers were.

 

If the wedding was small and only meant for intimate friends and family, then I can see if they were limiting the number of people. Did your relative just say a flat out "no" when you asked them if your gf could come along or did they give you some kind of explination of why?

[davidgoorney]

When I phoned up the relative to ask if my girlfriend could come to the wedding, the conversation went like this -

 

I said "Hi Auntie Lynn"

Relative "Oh hi David how are you ?"

Me "I'm very well thankyou and yourself ?"

Relative "Fine"

Me "I was wondering, would it be possible to invite a friend to the wedding ?"

Relative "No you cannot"

Me "Oh all right, well nice talking to you"

Relative "And to you to"

Me "bye now"

Relative "bye"

end of phone call.

 

Now I ask, is it bad manners to not allow a friend/spouse to an occasion like this ? if it was you, would you have gone to the wedding ?

[norajane]

No, it's not bad manners. Weddings are hugely expensive and planned down to the last detail, including seating arrangements and catering orders. You can't just add people to someone else's guest list, especially since you gave absolutely no explanation for why you wanted to invite someone...your friend is not a spouse.

 

Yes, I would have gone to the wedding. In fact, I've gone to many, many family weddings by myself and didn't think anything of it that they did not invite me and my guest.

[Naive]

Maybe they just wanted the wedding to be intimate. Also, if they are paying per person, you cannot expect them to pay for someone they do not know.

[jasmine3407]

David:

 

In your above phone conversation, this stuck out at me:

 

Me "I was wondering, would it be possible to invite a friend to the wedding ?"

Relative "No you cannot"

Me "Oh all right, well nice talking to you"

 

Clearly you didn't make it known to your family at this time that you wanted to know if your GIRLFRIEND could come. Maybe they would have reconsidered if they knew it was your girlfriend, or maybe not. As other posters have indicated, weddings are expensive affairs and it is appropriate and not at all unusual for the ones giving the wedding that they refuse attendance of mere "friends" of family members. It would even be their right to refuse attendence of significant others of family members, as well. You didn't seem to give them a cause to think that you had a problem with this, based on that phone call, so of course it would probably seem odd or rude to them that you didn't make the wedding.

 

And what do your parents have to do with this? Are they tied in somehow? I guess I'm a little bit unclear about that, unless your estrangement from them has to do with other reasons that also surfaced around the same time. It seems like you might have had a tough childhood, but it's unclear why you are estranged from them now.

 

Yes, a brief estrangement can be a chance for you to work on your issues and such. At some point, however, you should re-evaluate the estrangegment to see if it's no longer necessary.

 

Congrats on getting ahead in life, despite your hardships!