Guest Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago. I cheated on him the last month we were together, and I broke up with him because of this. Although we were broken up, we still spoke regularly. As for the cheating, after we broke up, I continued to see the guy I cheated with for a while. This guy I no longer speak to, and if possible, would like to avoid seeing again. The reason is, I realised what a mistake I made. There is no excuse for my behaviour, I realise this. I was totally wrong and disrespectful to my ex. Still, 6 months after breaking up, I miss my ex so much. I fell pregnant in the last months together, and I had an abortion. I am not sure if it is just hormones or whatever, but I cannot stop thinking that that baby would have been born soon. I would like to try and reconncile with my ex. I am sure he would consider this. The one question I have, is do I have to tell him everything I did with this other guy?? He knows about the cheating, and he knows that we were together again after we broke up. Do I need to tell him every detail of what we did together?? (we never slept together). Or do I just let the past rest?? I told him about a few occassions where stuff has happened?? Do I need to tell him about everything?? I have recieved advice from some people that I must tell all (This would deverstate my ex) and from others just to let the past rest?? Any advice?? Link to post Share on other sites
magwyle Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Yes you can go on after cheating. If he's willing to try and you're willing to do whatever it takes to prove to him that he can trust you. As for telling him everything, I agree that you should if that's what he wants. If he says he wants to know everything, you should tell him. However, if he's not requesting the information then don't offer it. I don't think it's required unless he says that's what he wants. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Spare the poor guy and stay away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 You need to tell him everything he wants to know, bottom line. Even if he asks what kind of fabric softener the guy used on the sheets you used to fool around with him on As for your question, as someone said : leave the poor guy alone. Even if he does forgive you, its only cuz he has low self esteem or is extremely depressed over being cheated on. And even if he does forgive you: he's going to have a neverending resentment for you, why should he have to be put through that? If you even TRY to get back with him, its gonna mess with his head, what right do you have? honestly i dont think you have any, unless this guy is holding boomboxes over his head for hours outside your bedroom window, take this as a lesson and stay away, guys tend to have a hard time to get the image of their gf banging another guy out of their mind whenever there is cheating involved. Try not to cheat on the next guy who treats you nice, k? Link to post Share on other sites
hyakku Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 You didn't sleep with the other guy? Well your ex won't probably believe that anyway. Just cut your losses and move on to another person, why waste your time on this guy, besides, if he was going to take you back he obviously is very insecure. Its been 6 months, he hasn't moved on? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 I agree with all of the above. If your ex has a spine, all this will do is make you appear needy. If your ex has no spine, then he needs you to do him a favor -- and make a decision for him on this to stay away. Just learn the lesson that comes with this, heal yourself and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
scrybe74 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 um.....if you didn't sleep with the guy then exactly what happened? I'm not clear on how you consider this cheating.... I disagree with the others. What happened AFTER you two broke up doesn't need to be discussed in detail. If he wants to know then I'd recommend that you move on. It will haunt the both of you and he'll never get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Thank you for your advice, not what I wanted to hear, but I it is all a different perspective. To scrybe74, by cheating I mean an emotional affair. While I was still together with my ex, I had an emotional affair with a friend. I consider this cheating. After we broke up, I suppose you can say it went further. We kissed on a number of occassions and I stayed at his house a few times. I know there is no excuse for that behaviour. I was stupid and screwed up at the time. I look back now and I cannot believe that I did the things I did. I suppose having an abortion wreaked me in many ways, and I felt that our relationship could not go on after that. I was wrong, I think we could have worked through those problems. But obviously I didn't chose that path. The messy thing is now sorting out our lives. We own a house together, we have been together a long time. It is difficult to let him go (to cut my losses as someone said) when I don't want to let go and neither does he. Link to post Share on other sites
Addictedtolove Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 #1- It is not possible to go on after cheating. If your guy cheated on you, would you take him back?! You might say yes because of your situation, but in the end the answer is NO. And yes, I do mean in the emotional way. #2- You can't hurt him again. It's not fair to him. You weren't faithful and this WILL cause problems in the future. You miss him because you haven't gotten over him, even though you cheated on him with that guy. In this scenario, you're the bad guy and in the end the bad guy never gets the girl. And the BIGGEST reason of all, is that if you never slept with the guy you cheated on your ex boyfriend with, then that aborted baby was HIS. And if he EVER finds this out, he will NEVER forgive you. ever. I'm not saying the abortion was wrong, I'm saying he had no say in something that was his too. Which brings me to the reason you miss him so much. A part of him and a part of you was made into a baby, and you decided not to let it be born. Now, around the time it would be born, you miss the person that was repsonsible for it's creation and became a part of you once it was created. Let the guy start anew, no one wants this type of baggage. You can't keep living your life with him, no matter how far into it you both are. Ever heard of divorce? People who own a house together and have kids together etc can move on. So you own a house, it's no different. he might not want to break it off, but if he ever finds out about any of this, especially the abortion, he will. He doesn't deserve to have to have all of this secrecy, especially if he loves you. And I'm going to believe that you are a good person, you don't deserve to have this guilt and anything related to it all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 And the BIGGEST reason of all, is that if you never slept with the guy you cheated on your ex boyfriend with, then that aborted baby was HIS. And if he EVER finds this out, he will NEVER forgive you. ever. I'm not saying the abortion was wrong, I'm saying he had no say in something that was his too. Which brings me to the reason you miss him so much. A part of him and a part of you was made into a baby, and you decided not to let it be born. Now, around the time it would be born, you miss the person that was repsonsible for it's creation and became a part of you once it was created. QUOTE] He knew about the abortion. We both made the decision together, and we decided that it was the best thing to do. Pretty soon after the abortion we broke up. He knows all about the reasons why (my cheating). So is it doomed? It seems the general concensus is that we shouldn't try again. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 I would have to say just start over with someone new. Let him go. My current H cheated on me during dating but didn't let me in on the secret. I married him not knowing until 4 months later that he cheated on me during the 2 1/2 yrs of dating. It's been 3 years and a whole ocean of tears later and I can't seem to get past his cheating. You don't realize how "everything" in your life is affected by someone cheating. I do mean everything. Sad songs make me cry. I went to a wedding and cried because of the love the 2 seemed to share that I know I can't get back with my current H. Every anniversary, holiday, birthday is different now because I don't know if they mean as much to him as they do me and they are all tainted now with thoughts of his betrayal. I'm envious of every woman I see my H looking at and I make comments because I feel so insecure that "maybe" she's one he will cheat with next. Any woman that calls him on his phone for work related reasons, I am suspicious of. I have bitten my 3 kids' heads off so many times for minor things I can't even count the number. I tended to pull away from my family because I was so depressed that I didn't want them to know what was going on in my life. I sleep so much of the time, it's ridiculous. I don't feel like doing anything in life that is fun - I just go to work, go home and sleep. I can't make myself go out. So in other words, let him find someone else and you find someone else to start over with because the immense pain of betrayal is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. As I've said, I've tried for 3 yrs to "get over it" and the loss of trust is so great that I have finally come to the conclusion I must get out. Every time I look at him, it's a reminder of what he did. Maybe your bf is different, I'm just giving you my situation and how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 You probably could go on, but why? Sometimes things are just ruined and you have to take responsibility for your part in them, end it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Nice_puter Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Hi, there. I'm young but i just found out that my girlfriend of 5 years, had sex with another guy, it's been a week now, and everyday we are at each others throats, but it's getting easier. I know from personal expereince that it makes it easier, it may be painful for you to step back through everything with him, but if he's willing, i can guarantee you it makes the process so much easier, to deal with and to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectLee Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 I agree with all of the above. If your ex has a spine, all this will do is make you appear needy. If your ex has no spine, then he needs you to do him a favor -- and make a decision for him on this to stay away. Just learn the lesson that comes with this, heal yourself and move on. I completely agree! I must add though, and I know I don't know you, but it would be very hard for him to believe that you two didn't sleep together and why would he want to risk being with you again knowing that this other guy possibly had sex with you? Guys don't like sloppy seconds. (no disrespect, it's just the truth) Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectLee Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 You don't realize how "everything" in your life is affected by someone cheating. I do mean everything. Sad songs make me cry. I went to a wedding and cried because of the love the 2 seemed to share that I know I can't get back with my current H. Every anniversary, holiday, birthday is different now because I don't know if they mean as much to him as they do me and they are all tainted now with thoughts of his betrayal. I'm envious of every woman I see my H looking at and I make comments because I feel so insecure that "maybe" she's one he will cheat with next. Any woman that calls him on his phone for work related reasons, I am suspicious of. I have bitten my 3 kids' heads off so many times for minor things I can't even count the number. I tended to pull away from my family because I was so depressed that I didn't want them to know what was going on in my life. I sleep so much of the time, it's ridiculous. I don't feel like doing anything in life that is fun - I just go to work, go home and sleep. I can't make myself go out. SueBee-this post of yours hit home for me, all my feelings and perceptions from the past were put in writing by you, thank you. I actually teared up a little reading this (how lame) but really....I think a lot of people can relate to this. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this day-in and day-out! Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Perfect, I never knew how much a betrayal of this sort could affect your whole life. Before it happened to me, I was just like everyone else when I read about someone cheating on someone else. I would probably say "oh that's awful" but not really know the depth of the pain associated with it. I used to joke with my H about everything from how stupid people are that cheat on each other, etc. - never knowing he's playing along as to how "bad" these people are when, in fact, he is one of them! I have never been so hurt in my life. Even when my 1st marriage ended (and we had 3 kids together!), I wasn't as torn up as I am over this betrayal. My ex and I basically split up because of financial reasons. Now maybe the guest who started this thread can make her relationship work with her bf, if he is willing to work too. I just don't know if cheating once with someone is easier to get over than a gf/bf who cheats repeatedly. In my case, he cheated over and over so I can't get past it. Or maybe he is like me, in that the betrayal was just too much for him to handle and it is better to move on because they are just dating at this point. Don't make the mistake of marrying, only to discover that he can't get past it and you will have the expense of a divorce. How I wish I had known about his cheating before marrying - I wouldn't be in the mess I am in now. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 I'm an advocate of not going backawards in ones' life. I find that old habits and patterns arise and, after you forget why you broke up in the first place, you'll remember really quick. WHy no goet on a dating site like webdate or flinga and find someone new to cheat on. J/K. Don't cheat on your new man. It's not cool. Unless he's ok with that, of course. -R- Link to post Share on other sites
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