Yea, but

[Gunny376]

I'm interested in hearing about what you've learned ~ how you've grown from the experience of having gone through it all ~ having gone through a separation ~ divorce? How has it made you a better person, man, woman, husband, wife?

[amaysngrace]

I'm interested in hearing about what you've learned ~ how you've grown from the experience of having gone through it all ~ having gone through a separation ~ divorce? How has it made you a better person, man, woman, husband, wife?

 

I think I am pretty much the same person as before, just a whole lot more content.

 

In the beginning I would miss him, mostly as the one I talked to every day, but it never made me question my decision to leave.

 

I know in my heart our lives were suppose to come together when they did, and also drift apart.

[Gunny376]

I know in my heart our lives were suppose to come together when they did, and also drift apart.

 

There is "wisdom" in that statement.

[uksurfer]

How has it made you a better person, man, woman, husband, wife?

 

As you know, I'm just going through it now.

 

Right now, I'm not so sure that it will make me a better person at all. I can't help thinking that from now on, I'm going to be less trusting, less committed, less loyal, and a lot less of a whole bunch of other important relationship stuff - simply because I'm going to be extremely wary of getting into this kind of position again. And I'm damn well going to be doing my best to protect myself from this kind crap, too.

 

'Holding back', is what's it's called. And it's something I never thought I'd find myself doing.

 

Is that a common thing?

[Outcast]

You can punish all men for the sins of one man if you want. Yes, it's common but it's not fair. So you need to decide if you want to make yourself behave fairly or if you'd prefer to live the rest of your life scared.

 

Just be sure you know someone well before you hand over your heart. And pay attention to any red flags. I'll bet this guy who dumped you gave you signs that he wasn't a good deal.

[CryingCanuck]

Ditto to me on what UK said.

 

Yes I can be a grouch, and yes I can be a Pr**k but I deeply cared for and would never have left my W I thought of it but never would have, because I made the commitment, now? I doubt I'll ever make that kind of commitment ot anyone else nor trust the same way.

But it's still pretty fresh and I really haven't let go nearly as much as I thought I had.

Her moving to another city is breaking my heart but I have to let it go once and for all.

[uksurfer]

I'll bet this guy who dumped you gave you signs that he wasn't a good deal.

 

She was a guy??? Arrrgh. Damn, maybe that's why it didn't work out for me?

 

And what CC said about "I deeply cared for and would never have left my W I thought of it but never would have, because I made the commitment, now? I doubt I'll ever make that kind of commitment ot anyone else nor trust the same way."

 

Exactly how I feel, man.

[Tim'sAngel]

I have never gone through a separation or divorce, but I watched my mother go through both with my father. She was so heartbroken. They were married for 20 years. Before, she was very codependant, had lots of anxiety, couldn't hardly do anything for herself without the support of others, could never make decisions on her own, suffered from mood swings, rage and bitterness. When my father left her, she had to learn how to overcome all the things I mentioned above and she had to work again after not working for their entire marriage. In my opinion, she learned how to be a whole person, an individual, she has never been one before. At first I was bitter too towards my dad leaving her knowing how she was, but now I think, wow, if he hadn't she would have been that way her entire life!!! What a terrible waste of a beautiful women!!

 

Now she is remarried and very happy and indipendant. As hard as it may be, I don't think it is always a bad thing, just one more step in becoming who we are.

[iron_m]

hope more people can participate.

 

I am going through it right now. So where will I end? only God knows.

 

But one thing I have clear in mi mind: I want to get out of this wiser.

I have to learn something: something about my marriage, something about the divorce and something about myself. Otherwise, these 8 years have been a real waste of time (and I don't think they have).

 

thanks gunny for this thread!

[Gunny376]

hope more people can participate.

 

I am going through it right now. So where will I end? only God knows.

 

But one thing I have clear in mi mind: I want to get out of this wiser.

I have to learn something: something about my marriage, something about the divorce and something about myself. Otherwise, these 8 years have been a real waste of time (and I don't think they have).

 

thanks gunny for this thread!

 

There's going to be a lot of people that don't agree with what I'm about to wirte ~ so be it.

 

I've been where you've been, where UK, Canuk, and DD's been ~ and others! It wasn't pretty~ and it sure as Hell wasn't fun. The lying, the cheating, the "ghost~talk", the OM, the bills, the job~stress, the bosses from hell, problems with the IRS (because of the ex) bankruptcy, ...................................on and on and on!

 

Me? I'm an "Alpha Male" ~ I just am ~always have been ~ always will be, but somewhere between here and there ~ I lost that. I tired being sensitive, caring, giving, all of that ~ and it doesn't work. It was in trying to be a "Beta~male" that really screwed me up. Because I was going against my nature ~ my ture being ~ my ture nature. Trying to incorporate "feminine aspects" into my being~ my true nature is contradictory to my true being and nature.

 

Me? I'm a "take charge" kind of guy! I'm the kind of guy that keeps his head about when others are running around screaming, and shouting and running in circles! No bragg ~ just fact!

 

Me? I'm not "down" with this therapist crap! That just paying someone to listen to your problems! Your troubles! Its BS!

[DesperateDad]

I've always been a little conflicted with that, to tell the truth. I waiver betweeen wanting to be the sensitive artist type and the hard-nosed alpha male. I'm sure a big part of it stems from always trying to meet everyone else's expectations. Chasing the buck, the big house in the suburbs, the careers everybody thinks are so prestigious. I'm f***ing tired. Maybe I just need to "man up!"

[amaysngrace]

Trying to be something other than you're not isn't healthy. It's okay to feel bummed out and it's okay to be angry at the way things are. But the truth is, denying these feelings is like denying a part of who you truly are.

 

I agree with Gunny about therapists. I think it's far better to figure out who you are and what you want than to have somebody tell you. It's enlightenment to know your self. And these current circumstances we find ourselves in provides us with the perfect opportunity to do just that!

 

It isn't wrong for women to have a tough side or for men to have a soft one. I think these sides appear through learning how to be complete people w/o the need for a significant other. I bet if you think back on when you hooked-up with your ex, you will find you were broken in some way, which is why you chose them in the first place. I know I was. If you can go back and do a little self-discovery and figure out in which way you were broken, you can address it and work through it. Not by denying your feelings, but in loving yourself enough to be who you truly are.

 

You are you, and that should be good enough for anyone.

[dgiirl]

Oh boy. As you guys know, it's been about 16 months now and I will say I've definitely grown from the experience. I've grown up. I take care of the bills, I cook, I'm handling my finances. All scary thigns I never knew how to do. On a more personal level, I realized that I was depressed for years, that I suffer from anxiety, and it was getting worse and worse over the years. If he had not left when he did, I fear what would have happened. I dont think I would be here today because I was starting to have some major depression thoughts. So when he left, it was a huge wake up call for me to get my life back into order. I'm also more confident and aware of who i am, and realize that during my marriage I lost focus of who I was, was a bit ashamed of where I came from, and allowed him to define who i was. He didnt see me in a very good light, so I didnt either, thus the depressive thoughts. I'm more aware of what's my baggage, and what's other people's baggage who are just trying to dump it onto me. I'm a lot more compassionate and understanding, and I'm trying to be a lot more communicative. I'm a lot less angry and am learning to be more assertive than aggressive.

 

I also know now that if i can go through this and survive, i can pretty much go through anything. This is probably the hardest and most painful thing I've EVER gone through, and one of the scariest thing's i've ever gone through, but I'm impressed by the way I can handle things and am a lot more confident in myself. I dont fear the unknown as much because I know there is always someone out there that can help me, whether it's a family member, friend or a stranger.

 

I've changed in SO many ways, but at the same time, my core hasnt changed. I'm still me, just more aware calm me. I know the things I need to work on and i'm working on them.

[DesperateDad]

I bet if you think back on when you hooked-up with your ex, you will find you were broken in some way, which is why you chose them in the first place. I know I was. If you can go back and do a little self-discovery and figure out in which way you were broken, you can address it and work through it. Not by denying your feelings, but in loving yourself enough to be who you truly are.

 

You are you, and that should be good enough for anyone.

 

This is a very interesting point. I know very well that I was a complete mess when I met my wife. She knew it, too, but thought that I would change for the better. I actually HAVE changed a lot and yes, for the better, but it ultimately hasn't been enough for her. Or maybe I stopped needing her as much as I did when we first met (she's always getting involved in other people's problems, the more needy, the better --the OM and his family are a perfect example).

 

If you follow that line of reasoning, though, maybe we DID get married for the wrong reasons. I wasn't secure in myself and that caused me to try very hard to do things that I didn't want to do and to be something I didn't want to be.

 

In keeping with the theme of this thread, what I'm currently learning as I go through this experience is that I HAVE compromised myself. I HAVE settled in a lot of ways. I don't know how to deal with that, given that I have responsibilities to six children now, too.

[Due South]

What I am learning through our drawn-out divorce is that I am learning how to reconciling my brain and my heart again - as we all know, they really can operate independently!

 

It's great to find the courage to do what you KNOW is right...

 

What was that line in "The Power of One"? ... First with the head..then with the heart