need on cheating incident and on bruised relationship

[lmb344]

I'm sorry for the length, but this has a very complicated background!...

 

This guy has had a crush on me since my freshman year of college (about three years) and I wasn't attracted to him at all for the longest time. This semester we started hanging out more. I could tell he still liked me so I came out and told him that I wasn't attracted to him. He started pursuing this other girl and they hung out a couple times but didn't do anything beyond one kiss.

 

Towards the end of the semester, I found myself becoming attracted to him and becoming jealous of this other girl so one night I came on to him and we slept together. There was some attraction there but I was kind of taking him for granted because I knew he still liked me and I had been wanting a guy for a while. After this happened I told him that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship and we agreed on a friends with benefits sort of deal. Now I realize that it was probably more than 'friends' with benefits for him because of his long term crush on me.

 

Lucky for me, it wasn't going anywhere for him with this other girl; he said she didn't want a relationship at the time, especially with the summer coming up and her leaving town. However, I knew he still liked her and I think she still liked him. We set the terms down that he wouldn't start anything with her until the fall when I leave for Rome for the semester.

 

Our friends were unhappy with us sleeping together saying we were going to get hurt if it wasn't exclusive. I had never had a boyfriend or intimate relationship and was latching onto their advice in my confusion. So thinking that I liked him enough (my attraction was growing), I told him that we should be exclusive.

 

Two days later, him, me and a few of our friends went to a party. My friend started flirting with this guy and then I started to flirt with him. I suddenly did not feel enough attraction to be loyal to my new boyfriend and kissed this guy. I was drunk enough to initiate this (I'm rather passive) but I was still aware of what I was doing. My boyfriend saw this and was upset and mad of course. He told me the next day that he would have to talk to the other girl he had a lead with and then he would let me know his decision. I feel like he said this intentionally to get right back at me; he knew I was a little jealous of her after seeing her screenname on my buddy list (I was secretly spying on them).

 

He decided to give me a second chance because he said I was inexperienced and didn't really know what I was doing. So we continued our relationship for about a month and a half and I grew fonder and fonder of him. I didn't find other guys as attractive as my boyfriend and I couldn't even fathom hurting him like that again.

 

A few weeks after the party incident, I felt like he was losing interest in me. I thought maybe I was around too much and he was taking me for granted. I let him know this but he insisted he still liked me. This went on for a few more weeks until I got frustrated again. He said he was doubting our relationship anyway because he felt that we were always competing and that we didn't have enough in common. He also said that he just didn't feel the same since the party incident. I was feeling the competition and the lack of interest in getting to know me always coming from his side. I was very supportive of him and enjoyed learning about things that he was interested in like hockey. I now know that he was probably afraid of getting close to me again and was using the competitiveness as a wall.

 

So ultimately, a few days ago, he said we shouldn't keep going for the best of both of our interests but that we will definitely still be friends and hang out.

 

However, I still feel like this is very unresolved. He has not contacted me at all in about three days (except for a missed phone call at 4 in the morning yesterday when he was drunk and he claims he does not remember). To go from intimately hanging out everyday to not talking to me in days tells me that something is still wrong. Of course it is hard for me too because I felt like I could love him if he could have loved me. But I would still like to talk to him.

 

And I can't get a straight answer out of him as to what he means by 'not feeling the same since the party incident'. Loss of attraction?

 

I am thoroughly frustrated, hurt and feeling very guilty. We have been to one party since the initial incident and I did not even have any unfaithful thoughts let alone do anything. I know he could not completely forget about the party incident but I thought he would be able to not let it interfere with our relationship. Especially considering the rocky beginning of our relationship that it happened during.

 

I've been advised to give him space for a few days or a week because his ego has been bruised (he also doesn't have very high self-esteem). I hate feeling that I may have ruined something that could have been great. Will he ever come around or is it doomed? I want to just talk to him and tell him that I care about him so much and that the way I felt about him in the beginning was far from what I feel now but he doesn't seem to want to take into consideration anything I say.

 

Please help

 

p.s Thank you so much for taking the time to read this

[Kengne]

You cheated on him, it hurt him and consequently his feelings for you have faded/wilted away.

 

It seems pretty clear cut to me: karma came back for you strong.

 

Next time don't get in an exclusive rel'ship until you are TRULY ready. It doesn't matter what you friends say or feel - it's what YOU feel.

 

Personally, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to come back. And yes it's hard that he's gone from hanging out with you everyday, to NC for several days but this is HIS way of dealing with it. Many people go into NC after a breakup, to give themselves time to heal and get their mind right. Yes it sucks, but please don't become crazy & needy by trying to contact him. Let him contact you when he's ready.

 

In the meantime, now would be a good time to reflect on what it is you want in the future eg a rel'ship of just FWB to keep your options open.

 

Good luck!

 

K.

[Javelin]

You went to a party with your boyfriend then proceeded to flirt & kiss another guy infront of him? Wow, selfish much?

 

Honestly,

I'm glad he's putting you through this, perhaps you'll learn from your initial mistake! You need to realize that people never forget and rarely forgive when it comes cheating significant others!

 

Now for my suggestions to you,

I suggest that you take the time to put yourself in your partner's shoes before you do something extreme. Think of their feelings, instead of what feels right at the time.

 

Also, grow up and don't use the, "this is my first relationship" excuse as your way out. It's BS, simply because of all the magazines, movies, TV shows that deal with this type of drama. You've been exposed to what's right & wrong, so like I said, there's no excuse!

[Spectre]

This is to all cheaters:

 

Leave whoever you cheated on the f*ck alone. Nobody in their right mind would want to get back with someone who has cheated on them, IF they do, it only means a couple of things:

 

1-The person isn't that into you, and thus doesn't care and just wants you for sex

2- the person loves you so much they will still stay with you, but a new found resentment will form. Arguments will become more frequent, trust will never be the same, their mind will always be "wondering" if you're cheating again. Basically it will send them into a state of depression, but since they love you so much they won't leave you. So while the person who cheated is jumping around all happy they got forgiven, the person who got cheated on has a broken heart, and has to think about their s/o cheating everytime they kiss,etc. Eventually this resentment will lead the cheatee to become the cheater, or just get fed up and evetually leave

3- The person wants to have sex with you then dump you for revenge.

 

 

Now, neither of these are appealing to the cheater, especially number 2: cheaters are so quick to get back with someone who's forgiven them they don't think of the long term consequences their actions had on their state of mind. If you cheat on someone, take that as a sign that you don't belong in their life

 

as for this chick: you cheated on the dude in FRONT of him and probably his friends too. if he gets back for you, its only for one thing, and it isn't love, I guarantee that.