cheating incident and bruised relationship

[lmb344]

I'm sorry for the length, but this has a very complicated background!...

 

This guy has had a crush on me since my freshman year of college (about three years) and I wasn't attracted to him at all for the longest time. This semester we started hanging out more. I could tell he still liked me so I came out and told him that I wasn't attracted to him. He started pursuing this other girl and they hung out a couple times but didn't do anything beyond one kiss.

 

Towards the end of the semester, I found myself becoming attracted to him and becoming jealous of this other girl so one night I came on to him and we slept together. There was some attraction there but I was kind of taking him for granted because I knew he still liked me and I had been wanting a guy for a while. After this happened I told him that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship and we agreed on a friends with benefits sort of deal. Now I realize that it was probably more than 'friends' with benefits for him because of his long term crush on me.

 

Lucky for me, it wasn't going anywhere for him with this other girl; he said she didn't want a relationship at the time, especially with the summer coming up and her leaving town. However, I knew he still liked her and I think she still liked him. We set the terms down that he wouldn't start anything with her until the fall when I leave for Rome for the semester.

 

Our friends were unhappy with us sleeping together saying we were going to get hurt if it wasn't exclusive. I had never had a boyfriend or intimate relationship and was latching onto their advice in my confusion. So thinking that I liked him enough (my attraction was growing), I told him that we should be exclusive.

 

Two days later, him, me and a few of our friends went to a party. My friend started flirting with this guy and then I started to flirt with him. I suddenly did not feel enough attraction to be loyal to my new boyfriend and kissed this guy. I was drunk enough to initiate this (I'm rather passive) but I was still aware of what I was doing. My boyfriend saw this and was upset and mad of course. He told me the next day that he would have to talk to the other girl he had a lead with and then he would let me know his decision. I feel like he said this intentionally to get right back at me; he knew I was a little jealous of her after seeing her screenname on my buddy list (I was secretly spying on them).

 

He decided to give me a second chance because he said I was inexperienced and didn't really know what I was doing. So we continued our relationship for about a month and a half and I grew fonder and fonder of him. I didn't find other guys as attractive as my boyfriend and I couldn't even fathom hurting him like that again.

 

A few weeks after the party incident, I felt like he was losing interest in me. I thought maybe I was around too much and he was taking me for granted. I let him know this but he insisted he still liked me. This went on for a few more weeks until I got frustrated again. He said he was doubting our relationship anyway because he felt that we were always competing and that we didn't have enough in common. He also said that he just didn't feel the same since the party incident. I was feeling the competition and the lack of interest in getting to know me always coming from his side. I was very supportive of him and enjoyed learning about things that he was interested in like hockey. I now know that he was probably afraid of getting close to me again and was using the competitiveness as a wall.

 

So ultimately, a few days ago, he said we shouldn't keep going for the best of both of our interests but that we will definitely still be friends and hang out.

 

However, I still feel like this is very unresolved. He has not contacted me at all in about three days (except for a missed phone call at 4 in the morning yesterday when he was drunk and he claims he does not remember). To go from intimately hanging out everyday to not talking to me in days tells me that something is still wrong. Of course it is hard for me too because I felt like I could love him if he could have loved me. But I would still like to talk to him.

 

And I can't get a straight answer out of him as to what he means by 'not feeling the same since the party incident'. Loss of attraction?

 

I am thoroughly frustrated, hurt and feeling very guilty. We have been to one party since the initial incident and I did not even have any unfaithful thoughts let alone do anything. I know he could not completely forget about the party incident but I thought he would be able to not let it interfere with our relationship. Especially considering the rocky beginning of our relationship that it happened during.

 

I've been advised to give him space for a few days or a week because his ego has been bruised (he also doesn't have very high self-esteem). I hate feeling that I may have ruined something that could have been great. Will he ever come around or is it doomed? I want to just talk to him and tell him that I care about him so much and that the way I felt about him in the beginning was far from what I feel now but he doesn't seem to want to take into consideration anything I say.

 

Please help

 

p.s Thank you so much for taking the time to read this

[Guest]

JUst tell him straight up, you were a little drunk, and made a stupid decision. You were scared to commit to one person, becuase you've never really been a relationship before. If he gives a s*** about you, then he'll come around. If all else fails, tell him it was only a kiss, you weren't riding the other guy!

[Guest]

Are you sure the attraction to him isn't a direct result of his interests being in someone else? I only ask becuase if that is the case then maybe your attraction isn't as real as you may have thought. Otherwise I dont know what to tell you. He is well within his rights to be upset about that intial incident.

[ashnicole]

I'd say things are pretty messed up at the moment. I'm sure he cares for you, but maybe you're not who he really thought you were. Maybe the way that he looked at you before he was WITH you, made him have such a big crush on you. Liking someone, and being in a relationship with someone, are two different levels, and maybe it's just not what he thought it was - and maybe the kissing incident helped him to confirm that in his head. I'd let it go... it sounds like there may be someone else in the picture anyway.