He called again, left a message (follow up for Midori &CO)

[Tina]

Okay, last night I went out for dinner with some friends and came home late. (Remember that we are not in the same city right now)

 

I checked my messages and got one from him that went like this:

 

Hello Tinechka (his pet name for me) how are you? I haven't heard from you, I hope you're okay. I'm calling to say goodnight, okay if you feel like it call me back...okay bye

 

His tone was very warm and concerned. I didn't call him back because I am afraid to get into any type of discussion that might make me feel hurt or upset. At least now I feel I am on neutral grounds. What should I talk about if he calls again? I don't even want to GO to personal territory any more over the telephone because I would rather see him in person and go from there. On the other hand I'm worried that if I don't call him he might think I'm angry with him.

 

What would you advise that I do next?

[midori]

It seems to me like you're determined to play games, ultimately letting him decide how this is going to (or not going to) progress.

 

This is just as much your dynamic as it is his. Why are you relinquishing your agency in all of this? You say you need to talk to him face to face -- if that's the case, then get to where he is ASAP and have that conversation. Or is that just an excuse to cover up the fact that what you're REALLY waiting for is for him to come to his senses and realize what a gigantic mistake he has made and then beg you to forgive him and accept his wholehearted love and commitment? Or something along those lines?

 

10 to 1 that isn't going to happen. Wishy-washy men do not usually have miraculous moments of clarity, nor do they suddenly find previously untapped wells of courage and determination.

 

I have played these games. I have second guessed, wondered, hoped, rationalized and conjectured myself to death trying to figure out what my bloody ex wanted -- and how to get him aligned with what I wanted. All that effort on my part (and it was so draining) got me virtually nowhere with him in the end. Whatever I did accomplish was achieved during the few times that I pulled my head out of his fog and insisted on clarity.

 

If you want to end this cycle I think you've got to be the one to stop beating around the bush and get to the point: what do you want? What does he want? If what you want is contingent on what he wants then I'd say you haven't really figured out what you want.

 

Look at it this way: if this was a friend of yours and the two of you had been planning a vacation together for a while when suddenly she started acting flakey and talking like she might not be able to go -- but she wasn't giving you a final answer and she wasn't even telling you what was going on -- you would surely not hesitate to ask her what's up. You'd have a right to know, after all, because what she does would directly affect you and your plans. This is no different. It really isn't.

 

It's hard when you're hurt, when you feel betrayed by his thoughtlessness and how easily he seems to dismiss what is between you. I know how that feels. If you play his game of hide-and-seek you'll be stepping into his world of confusion. Or you can be strong, and together, and confident, and tell him he needs to get his act together if he wants any hope of maintaining a relationship with you. You're not on probation with him -- he's on probation with you!!! Don't allow yourself to be wounded by the hurtful, thoughtless things he has said -- get mad! How dare this idiot say such things to you and then call you up full of tenderness and affection! Make him explain, make him account for himself. In so doing not only will you get the answers you need, you'll force him to pull his head out of the sand (or wherever he has inserted it ...).

 

If you're hoping to salvage this, if you're hoping to draw him out of his self-induced confusion and indecision you're going to have to be the one who takes charge. He's dropping the ball right now, it happens to the best of us but you can't let him stand around trying to decide whether or not he should pick it back up again. If he needs help, he needs to tell you. He needs to communicate what is going on so that you can decide whether or not you're willing to go along with it.

 

Don't wait for him to tell you what you're wanting to hear. He's not going to.

[midori]

Out of curiosity, how old is this guy? How old are you?

[Tina]

Out of curiosity, how old is this guy? How old are you?

 

I'm 28 and he's 51.

[midori]

Hm, and he's this wishy-washy? Hm. I wonder if this is an ingrained pattern for him, one that he's unlikely to break. It would be one thing if he were in his twenties or even his thirties, still trying to figure out what he wants in life -- but his fifties? Hm. I suppose that some people take longer than others and of course one's goals change throughout life. But usually as people mature they are at least clearer about what they want at any given point and less likely to engage in the silly kind of "guess-what-I'm-thinking" stuff. I suppose the key word is "mature" -- maybe this guy isn't in some crucial ways.

 

Good luck Tina.

I'm 28 and he's 51.

[LaRue]

Hi. I've been reading some of your situation. The age difference aside, a 51 year old should know more of what they want, but I too am with a 51 year old male who travels alot and has also been burnt very badly in a 20 year marriage. Aren't we all burnt somehow by that age. But my point is, he is also wishy washy about committment and future. What is is with these guys? I have been too leniant with my boyfriend regarding committment. I know how you feel, it's hard to let go, and not want to call and chase, but sometimes you just miss them. Just remember, if you choose to stay in this relationship, long distance relationships are hard enough but are even harder when you don't really know ever where they stand with you, and you have no promises. It hurts, belive me, I've been doing it four three years and it never gets better. Good Luck. I hope you make the right decision and just get on with your life.

Okay, last night I went out for dinner with some friends and came home late. (Remember that we are not in the same city right now) I checked my messages and got one from him that went like this: Hello Tinechka (his pet name for me) how are you? I haven't heard from you, I hope you're okay. I'm calling to say goodnight, okay if you feel like it call me back...okay bye His tone was very warm and concerned. I didn't call him back because I am afraid to get into any type of discussion that might make me feel hurt or upset. At least now I feel I am on neutral grounds. What should I talk about if he calls again? I don't even want to GO to personal territory any more over the telephone because I would rather see him in person and go from there. On the other hand I'm worried that if I don't call him he might think I'm angry with him. What would you advise that I do next?