She needs her own space, but doesn't want to break up

[REXXER21]

My girlfriend of 6+ years has been in Italy for the past three weeks. For the first couple of weeks everything was fine, but yesterday when I talked to her on the phone she told me that she wants to have her own time and space. She didn't just come out and say this. I had a feeling something was wrong and coaxed her into telling me. I asked her if this meant she wanted to break up or date other people and she said that she didn't. She told me that she wants to still be in a relationship with me, but she wants her own space. We have been living together for the past 2 years and she seems to be thinking about moving out and getting her own place. She told me that she has been realizing that a lot of her friends are engaged and getting ready to get married and she, for some reason, doesn't know if she wants to get married and she doesn't know why that is. She said that she loves me, but is unsure about marriage. Because of that, she feels that she needs her own time to live on her own so she can experience living without me. I asked her multiple times if this meant that she wanted to break up, see other people, or just date a little bit and she said no to all. She kept saying that she doesn't want to break up, she just wants her own time and space. Obviously I'm going to give her space and hope she gets a grip on whatever it is she needs to figure out, but I am hurting really bad. Any thoughts, suggestions, or personal experiences? I really appreciate everyone's help.

[Returning]

Hey REXXER21,

 

I wouldn't worry at all. You only get one life and you can't knock your GF for wanting to experience the things she wants too, you're a long time dead. It's easy to get caught up in the 'norm' idea of how things used to be in relationships. Sounds as though she just wants to hang a contempory scene for awhile, it should be applauded. The revelation has triggered an obvious response in your emotions and you should be looking at this and dealing with it yourself, and eventually thanking her for the opportunity for you to grow emotionally as well. Having a house each is cool, you can hang out wherever suits, and express yourselfs in your own spaces, and have solo chill out times which are also beneficial in your own space. I can see why you are struck on this woman she is obviously very intelligent and aware, she sounds awesome. I would mask your perhaps 'needy looking' emotional response and daft questions about splitting up and dating others, these are your fears and could do damage if you listen too them or express them. She says everythings cool, so, everythings cool. She will pick her color schemes and layouts but will no doubt ask for your help applying the paint. Stick to the practicle/manual tasks, its her space so let her run with it, this experiance can only make you stronger as a couple if you handle it right. Your relationship should transcend gender whenever possible.

[RealBroken]

I disagree,..... are you hippies?........ if no.

Gve her space, no contact for a while. This is the only way she can realise what its like to miss you. Youve been together 6 years. What do you want, is she gonna stay with you for another two and then get up and leave?

If you're happy with her decisions then cool. Everything is ok.

 

If you're not and it sound like your not,..... YOU need to take CONTROL of the situation, at the moment she is controlling it. You are being the follower, you need to set what YOU want in the relationship, put the shoe on the other foot. See what happens.

 

U r chasing her round, let her miss and go after YOU.

[dgiirl]

It's hard to say right now which way things will turn out, but I agree with Returning, Dont freak out just yet. If you handle this situation without expressing your fears and jealousy right now, and dont become needy or controlling, and if all she really wants is space, then this can definitely bring the two of you together. Has she ever lived on her own before? Or did she go straight from her parents place to your place? This is the first time I've ever lived on my own before and it's definitely a wild experience I think every person should have. I feel a lot more empowered and appreciative of the time I DO spend with people, and at the same time, I'm able to have my own space for when I want to be alone and anti-social. I'm sure since I've experienced this, I WILL be better prepared for marriage/relationships in the future.

 

Play it by ear, and trust your gut instinct, not your fears!

[Guest]

Ha! I agree it give syou teh time to grow emotionally however, the cost could be high for her selfishness. The fact that there is a way to make good of a bad situation/decision doesn't make it right. If you make a promise to someone, you keep it, plain and simple. Pride and temptation is the devil's vices on your soul.

 

She's obviously found someone to talk to. Putting you second to anything is selfish, plain and simple. Fortunately, nature promotes balance; What goes around comes around.

 

NC. Being in the picture at this point will only hurt you and her. Ironincally, you will have to do this for BOTH of you. Funny how love works.

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

You're probably going to "freak out" anyway -it's going to be hard not to- but do it quietly, so that she doesn't see the picture of a total mess in front of her (more reason for her to want to make it a genuine 'split').

 

Doing this will also suddenly make you Mr. Cool & Collected.

 

Not saying to make it appear that her decision didn't cause a ripple, (that could cause her to think you really don't care) -just urging you not to become a blubbering, sobbing, begging, chasing fool.

 

There's a 'middle ground' you have to accomplish with this to save your self-respect with either outcome of her decision, and it's very difficult to acheive.

 

It'll be agonizing to go through those hours, days, weeks (and possibly months) she is likely to take with this while she goes through the motions of withdrawal from day-to-day contact with you.

 

She'll *say* the time she's asked for is *essential* to the outcome of her decision, -*but* she'll call you, text you, email you, visit you, agree to have lunch with you, maybe even sleep with you- despite what she *says*.

 

It's not part of a sinister plan she's concocted in her spare time to drive you mad (although, there will be moments it will probably *feel* like it), -it may be, actually, a sincere effort on her part to know what she truly wants in life, -and find out if that includes you, in a 'forever' sense, once and for all.

 

Let her do this.

 

Think about how much more painful the situation could be, if you began a family and she suddenly piped up with this in the middle of a new house-buying scenario.

 

Her stability in the relationship is *needed*.

 

She *must* want it, in order for it to survive longterm.

 

Most likely, there are underlying reasons for the decision to 'think about things' that have been crossing her mind, over time, with you totally unaware of it. (Sorry, women seem to be highly skilled in -and *notorious* for this, moreso than men).

 

It's also probably not something you *did* that sparked it, -instead, it was probably, more likely initiated by her own perception of where the relationship currently stood, and where it was going, in comparison to her perhaps, not-yet-fully-formed ideas of what she thinks she *wants* or *needs* from a relationship at this time in her life.

 

Let her do her private assessment of her needs and desires, -you *both* need the truth, and the *real* answer.

 

There is a 'good' side and a 'bad' side to all of this and that's what you are so acutely aware of, -and worried about. It's understandable.

 

You're worried that there may be someone else, or that she's not satisfied with *you* in some significant way that could cause a negative answer in the outcome of her decision concerning you.

 

You're dying to know what the problem is that she's keeping locked secret in her head.

 

You want the truth, the stuff she's not telling you, but you're afraid to hear it.

 

Don't be.

 

*Whatever the answer turns out to be, it could either save you alot of future heartache, or bring you alot of future happiness.*

 

And that's the primary perspective you should be allowing (with effort) to override all other thoughts with this.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Stay -well- "cool", or as cool as you can manage.

 

(Smile)

 

And stay in the boards for support till the storm has passed.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Pantero]

Totally agree with Rio.

 

The exact same thing happened to my old college roommate. He was a wreck behind closed doors, but he kept it together when his S.O. wanted to "have her space". They were together for 6 years before this and were through the thickest and thinnest of Life.

 

Now, they are engaged to be married next May. Give her time and keep yourself together, trooper.

[Returning]

From what the OP states there is no mention of the relationship/contact/making out/dinning out being impacted at all. She just wants to live in a different place. And maybe evaluate the relevance of marriage. It's no biggie, he still has all of his woman to himself. Work will dictate when they are able to stay over at each others, usually weekends. I agree with dgiirl, everyone should experience having their own place at least once in their life, there is nothing quite like it. Hang tuff feller and dont be small minded.