bad drunk behaviour - AGAIN

[sunnie23]

When my boyfriend gets drunk lately, he acts like a complete @sshole. Its happened the past two weekends in row where we've gone out and ended up fighting afterword.

 

The first week was just a minor thing that I am already over, but this weekend is still really bothering me. We went to a jack and jill and started out having a great time. I went outside to have a smoke with some friends, and when I returned, he was sitting on a friend of ours lap. She is not a close friend but someone we hang out with on occasion. I've never seen them flirt or anything before so this really caught me by surprise.

 

I went up to him and asked him to get up. I pulled him aside and asked what he was doing. He said I was overreacting, that there was no way he wanted her and i needed to stop being so absurd. For the rest of the night, as he drank more and more, he was more and more rude to me. He barely talked to me or came around, but every time she passed by him he'd do something to get her attention.

 

In the meantime, he approached me and apologized. He said I was making a big deal of nothing and he was too drunk to talk about it at that time. We ended up going home (I have to admit, I only brought him home with me to make sure he didn't leave with anyone else). In the morning I brought what happened up. He said he wasn't coming on to her, that he would never do that to me, that he didn't realize how bad it looked and that he still thought i had overreacted. That he could see my point if it were a stranger but it was someone we both know so i shouldn't be bothered. We pretty well made up and had a nice morning, but I have to admit the situation was still bothering me.

 

So I spent the day sad, confused, and worried about what this all meant. after talking about it with my mother I called him, and told him how up until now he has made me happier than anyone else ever has, that he's alwasy there for me and how much i love being with him. I even said that sometimes I really feel like i love him and i would hate for anything to ever come between us. I told him that for the first time ever i never thought I'd have to worry about him, and that i have had nothing but security and comfort since we met. But then I saw him sitting on her lap and it all came crashing down. I told him that it made me second guess everything, and that it made me feel like maybe i've been wrong to think everything is so great with this relationship.

 

He apologized again. He said he wished he could say more but that he was so hungover the words weren't coming to him. He said he wants nothing more than to be with me and that, yes, when he gets stupid drunk he does stupid things like flirt with girls, but that i should never worry because he would never cheat on me. He said he was sorry he made me feel as badly as he did but that he was so drunk he didn't realize what was going on.

 

I'm not sure this is good enough for me. I love him and I want to be with him but I feel humiliated by his behaviour. Everyone keeps telling me I need to chill, relax and get over it. What do you all think?

[Tony T]

Your feelings are justified.

 

His behavior while intoxicated notwithstanding, my personal feeling is that any person who gets drunk more than once a year and displays inappropriate behavior is someone you don't want in your life. Being drunk does not excuse behavior, either legally or socially.

 

Getting drunk and not knowing what you're saying or doing is a DANGEROUS THING. Many people just accept it but thousands of people are killed each year and even more relationships are damaged or terminated because of drunkenness. It's just not a good thing.

 

Give a lot of thought to staying with a man who needs to drink in excess at anytime. It doesn't matter how often he does it. A human being who does anything to take his level of consciousness out of the realm of responsible behavior is a taco short of a combination platter. It only takes ONE TIME of being intoxicated to destroy lives and hearts. There are many on death row who did it. Talk to them.

[Art_Critic]

Your feelings are justified.

Give a lot of thought to staying with a man who needs to drink in excess at anytime. It doesn't matter how often he does it. A human being who does anything to take his level of consciousness out of the realm of responsible behavior is a taco short of a combination platter. It only takes ONE TIME of being intoxicated to destroy lives and hearts. There are many on death row who did it. Talk to them.

 

Great post Tony.. I agree with you..

[ashnicole]

I know your pain. I used to have an alcoholic father, and an ex boyfriend that were both COMPLETELY different people when they'd been drinking. I let them go, quickly.

 

I, personally, wouldn't look at what he was doing as something COMPLETELY horrible. He was sitting on her lap, big deal... it's not like he was trying to hide it from you, obviously. He knew you were there. A little flirting, when you're drinking, around friends, is a given. I think EVERYONE does that. But it's up to you to decide what you think is "crossing the line." Then, it's your place to tell him that it was unnacceptable.

[AbitLost]

Tony has it right. RUN THE OTHER WAY--FAST!!!

[2020vision]

I know exactly how you feel. My ex was the same way when he was drunk, and he loved to drink in excess. I agree that it does not matter how often, people who feel the need to drink that much, have issues.

 

I don't think its a matter of right and wrong if you are feeling uncomfortable. Trust your instincts, if you are feeling uncomfortable its for a reason. For example, I felt uncomfortable about one of my ex's friends, and now he is with her! And, even if he is not cheating on you, He is disregarding your feelings. You told him you do not like his behavior, and he persisted.

 

This is in fact, not good enough for you. Treat this as a major red flag.

 

Best of luck,

 

2020

[Touche]

Everyone has given you really good advice about the driking issue so I have nothing to add on that subject.

 

I just thought I'd throw in my two cents though...Doesn't anyone think it's weird that a MAN is sitting in a WOMAN'S lap? I can't get that weird picture out of my mind. How does that work?

 

That right THERE would make me head for the hills!

[2020vision]

Doesn't anyone think it's weird that a MAN is sitting in a WOMAN'S lap? I can't get that weird picture out of my mind. How does that work?

 

Thank you for pointing that out! I forgot to mention that when I posted. I second that thought. That is weird behavior.

[ronnieromance]

Your feelings are justified.

 

His behavior while intoxicated notwithstanding, my personal feeling is that any person who gets drunk more than once a year and displays inappropriate behavior is someone you don't want in your life. Being drunk does not excuse behavior, either legally or socially.

 

Getting drunk and not knowing what you're saying or doing is a DANGEROUS THING. Many people just accept it but thousands of people are killed each year and even more relationships are damaged or terminated because of drunkenness. It's just not a good thing.

 

Give a lot of thought to staying with a man who needs to drink in excess at anytime. It doesn't matter how often he does it. A human being who does anything to take his level of consciousness out of the realm of responsible behavior is a taco short of a combination platter. It only takes ONE TIME of being intoxicated to destroy lives and hearts. There are many on death row who did it. Talk to them.

 

 

 

WTF? Alright, mello drama aside, I had an alcoholic grandfather. I know how it works. I like the sauce, but I almost never drink to excess. I hate the feeling of a hangover the next day. I dislike people who use their drunkeness as an excuse to do the immature s*** they want to do when sober, but don't have the balls to.

 

There's a girl I'm friends with from the webdate site, She's great, and it's pretty much platonic, but I'm starting to dislike hanging out with her because she doesn't know when to call it quits. Actually, this is a large part of why there is no romance between us. I won't deal with that s***. You shouldn't either.

 

-R-

[PerfectLee]

A great solution that has worked for me and my girlfriend before we go out with friends and we know there's going to be drinking, is we have a conversation about the time and amount of alcohol we're going to consume. Along with talking about who is going to drive, if one of us thinks the other is drinking too much, to pull the other to the side and say "Do you think you're drinking to fast? too much? Are you ok?" It's to be taken in a sense that we're trying to take care of each other, and not to get defensive by saying "Are you trying to tell me what to do? Don't tell me how much to drink!" The point of this conversation prior to going out is to set boundaries, that we're both going to be drinking, we both WANT to be around each other and our friends and we want to go home on good terms. Another great thing that works for us to, is if by chance things are starting to get out of control, or one person has drank too much, we save the dialouge for the next day when we're both sober. Arguing while under the influence is the worst thing you could do. I've had a few nights where I've taken care of her, made sure she got into bed ok, made sure she drank enough water prior to falling asleep etc...

 

{to explain the past of this in a few sentences: people drink in excess for different reasons, people drink because it makes them feel good & uninhibited. My girlfriend used to drink a lot more before she met me, she was unfulfilled in life, unhappy, bitter etc.. We drink together for fun, to be slightly uninhibited, to have fun, but I've made very clear to her that drinking in excess and taking care of her and dealing with any emotional outbursts is something I will not tolerate or get used to!}

 

One of my points is that her and I go out together, we love hanging out with each other sober or not. In many relationships, when one person goes out drinking with their friends they leave the other at home. Appreciate that he wants you around, be supportive, tell him you won't tolerate crazy behavior, and tell him if the tables were turned he wouldn't want you sitting on someone's lap-regardless of who they are! The point of going out and having fun...is just that! Having fun! The night MUST end on good terms, and he needs to think hard about the why's in his excessive drinking.

[j.carsey]

We went to a jack and jill and started out having a great time. I went outside to have a smoke with some friends, and when I returned, he was sitting on a friend of ours lap. She is not a close friend but someone we hang out with on occasion. I've never seen them flirt or anything before so this really caught me by surprise.

 

just a question, for the hell of it... do you at all find this woman attractive or intriguing? if you're going to break up anyway I strongly suggest you try a threesome

[PerfectLee]

A great solution that has worked for me and my girlfriend before we go out with friends and we know there's going to be drinking, is we have a conversation about the time and amount of alcohol we're going to consume. Along with talking about who is going to drive, if one of us thinks the other is drinking too much, to pull the other to the side and say "Do you think you're drinking to fast? too much? Are you ok?" It's to be taken in a sense that we're trying to take care of each other, and not to get defensive by saying "Are you trying to tell me what to do? Don't tell me how much to drink!" The point of this conversation prior to going out is to set boundaries, that we're both going to be drinking, we both WANT to be around each other and our friends and we want to go home on good terms. Another great thing that works for us to, is if by chance things are starting to get out of control, or one person has drank too much, we save the dialouge for the next day when we're both sober. Arguing while under the influence is the worst thing you could do. I've had a few nights where I've taken care of her, made sure she got into bed ok, made sure she drank enough water prior to falling asleep etc...

 

{to explain the past of this in a few sentences: people drink in excess for different reasons, people drink because it makes them feel good & uninhibited. My girlfriend used to drink a lot more before she met me, she was unfulfilled in life, unhappy, bitter etc.. We drink together for fun, to be slightly uninhibited, to have fun, but I've made very clear to her that drinking in excess and taking care of her and dealing with any emotional outbursts is something I will not tolerate or get used to!}

 

One of my points is that her and I go out together, we love hanging out with each other sober or not. In many relationships, when one person goes out drinking with their friends they leave the other at home. Appreciate that he wants you around, be supportive, tell him you won't tolerate crazy behavior, and tell him if the tables were turned he wouldn't want you sitting on someone's lap-regardless of who they are! The point of going out and having fun...is just that! Having fun! The night MUST end on good terms, and he needs to think hard about the why's in his excessive drinking.

[PerfectLee]

A great solution that has worked for me and my girlfriend before we go out with friends and we know there's going to be drinking, is we have a conversation about the time and amount of alcohol we're going to consume. Along with talking about who is going to drive, if one of us thinks the other is drinking too much, to pull the other to the side and say "Do you think you're drinking to fast? too much? Are you ok?" It's to be taken in a sense that we're trying to take care of each other, and not to get defensive by saying "Are you trying to tell me what to do? Don't tell me how much to drink!" The point of this conversation prior to going out is to set boundaries, that we're both going to be drinking, we both WANT to be around each other and our friends and we want to go home on good terms. Another great thing that works for us to, is if by chance things are starting to get out of control, or one person has drank too much, we save the dialouge for the next day when we're both sober. Arguing while under the influence is the worst thing you could do. I've had a few nights where I've taken care of her, made sure she got into bed ok, made sure she drank enough water prior to falling asleep etc...

 

{to explain the past of this in a few sentences: people drink in excess for different reasons, people drink because it makes them feel good & uninhibited. My girlfriend used to drink a lot more before she met me, she was unfulfilled in life, unhappy, bitter etc.. We drink together for fun, to be slightly uninhibited, to have fun, but I've made very clear to her that drinking in excess and taking care of her and dealing with any emotional outbursts is something I will not tolerate or get used to!}

 

One of my points is that her and I go out together, we love hanging out with each other sober or not. In many relationships, when one person goes out drinking with their friends they leave the other at home. Appreciate that he wants you around, be supportive, tell him you won't tolerate crazy behavior, and tell him if the tables were turned he wouldn't want you sitting on someone's lap-regardless of who they are! The point of going out and having fun...is just that! Having fun! The night MUST end on good terms, and he needs to think hard about the why's in his excessive drinking.

[sunnie23]

thanks for the advice. it's all good. except the threesome one, i'm not really into that.

 

i have to admit i'm still stuck in the grey. thing is, i like to drink as much as he does. and while i've never done anything to make him wonder, i have acted like an idiot on more than one occasion when drunk. one thing we both had in common when we met was that saturday nights were standard "go out and get wasted with your friends" nights.

 

for a long time we did our own thing on these nights so i never noticed how he was. now he has a new job and works 25 more hours a week, so we spend weekends together now to make up for the missed time during the week.

 

i explained to him how he made me feel. i suppose now all i can do is wait and see if it had any effect on him.

[sunnie23]

so he called me last night totally sucking up - "will you come to my mom's birthday with me? I really want you to meet my family" then it was "lets do something tomorrow" (we rarely spend time during the week together - the fault of two very busy schedules). this morning i com into work to find an email from him asking me to dinner.

 

i'm ready to cry. how could he act the way he did on saturday, without a care in the world of how it affected me, and now he's kissing my ass, making sure that i'm not going to leave him?????

 

can anyone explain this????